Fenris Perrywinkle: The Great Galactic Duel

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Amanda shakes her head a little as we gently touch down at her father’s place. I take her hand in mine. She lets me, but turns her head away from me.

“It wasn’t a fair fight. You’re still new at this,” I whisper. She still doesn’t say anything.

My eyes drill holes in the back of her head. I have no idea what’s going on with her, but, I’ll wait.

Time passes. Good grief this woman is stubborn. I feel like I’ve been standing on this porch holding her hand and staring at the back of her head for days. Maybe it’s only been a few minutes, but that’s not what it feels like!

In desperation, I pump her hand a couple times. “You’ll get her next time!”

Her head finally turns toward me. It’s wearing a little scowl.

“Do you seriously think that’s what I’m thinking about right now?”

I suddenly feel uncomfortable. Apparently I stink at reading women. I have no idea what to do next.

She moves a little closer to me and studies my eyes. Goodness, I think she’s got that same ‘staring into my soul’ talent that Jenn has. Do all women have the ability to do this??

“You’re an idiot,” she whispers and turns her head away from me again.

My heart starts to pound a little. I take a deep breath and squeeze her iron hand as hard as I can. “I said you’ll get her next time!”

Amanda wrenches her hand out of mine and turns toward me again. Her eyes start to redden and shimmer in the afternoon light. I think she’s about to cry – which means I’ve done something stupid again.

“I don’t care about losing the fight!” she yells, her voice starting to crack a little with emotion.

Oh brother, here come the water-works. Am I seriously going to see both of the loves of my life cry in one day? How much can one man be made to bear? Women are so dang emotional! I mean, I got kind of choked up a little earlier too, but I choose to forget that little tidbit.

“You were up there! With her! In your arms! She was practically on top of you! Did you kiss her? Are you leaving me after everything we’ve been through together!?”

Maybe the alien bodysuits that both of them constantly wear now affect their emotions or something.

Amanda gives me a gentle tap on the chest that nearly breaks three of my ribs. “Are you even present right now? Focus, dammit! I’m trying to ascertain our relationship status!”

I struggle for breath and vigorously rub my bruised chest. Amanda isn’t breaking her death stare, she wants a reply. Maybe she’ll tap me again and accidentally knock me out so I won’t have to have this conversation.

Yeah, I’m an emotional coward. Sue me.

“Fenris…” she growls through gritted teeth.

“I love you and I love her.” The words just kind of tumble out of my mouth like verbal vomit. “I love you both, I think. Okay? You’re both super hot, you’ve both helped me out a ton, I care for both of you, I want the best for both of you, and… you’re both super hot.”

Strangely, that answer seems to upset my Amanda. She bursts into tears and covers her face. A moment later, she lifts into the air and streaks away into the clouds.

I stand watching where she disappeared. When exactly did my life become some lame soap opera?

“Boy, you are a special kind of stupid, ain’t ya?”

I turn to see Amanda’s father leaning against the side of his hovel. I think he’s chewing tobacco or something. He’s spitting brown goo all over the place.

“What do you mean?”

He looks me up and down a few times before answering. “You seem like an educated man, but you don’t know women. Uh-uh. No you don’t.”

I’m suddenly very bored with this conversation. “What’s your point?”

He spits a couple more times. “My Mandy is a princess, through and through. I raised her to expect a man to treat her a certain way. Told her to kick anyone that didn’t to the curb, yes sir.”

Maybe a large bird will swoop down from the sky and carry me away to my death.

Man, I’m sure wishing for death a lot these last couple of days. I should probably think about why that is at some point. Oh wait, the old man isn’t done wagging his jaw yet.

“A princess wants one thing. A proper prince. Now when I say that, I don’t mean no fancy-pants pansy-boy with a crown on his head; I mean a man that knows how to make a woman feel special. Like she’s the only woman he even sees in a crowded room.”

I shrug. “I make women feel special.”

The old man nearly chokes on his chew. “You call saying you love two women, to one of the women that loves you, makes her feel special!? Boy, I aught’a take a 2x4 and beat some sense into you!”

My heart starts to beat a little faster as I watch the old man’s face turn red. I think he might actually do it. I raise my hands in a show of submission and slowly start backing away.

“Hey, you win, okay? I clearly have no idea what I’m doing here.”

“Well I don’t know what you’re still doing here neither! You look well enough now, why don’t you get!? Go on, get the hell off of my property! Get!”

He picks up a dry stick and begins swinging it around in front of him. The high pitched whooshing sound it makes leads me to think that it will really sting if he manages to hit me with it.

“You’re crazy!” I shout as I turn and make a run for the outer gate. “Leave me alone, you crazy old coot!”

He tosses his dry wooden weapon at me as I close the metal gate behind me with a bang. “Don’t you come around here no more! And you stay away from my Mandy too! You’re not good enough for her!”

That last sentence hangs in the air as I stomp away from his property. A dusty road stretches out as far as the eye can see to my left and to my right. I randomly choose a direction and start putting one foot in front of the other.

Is Amanda’s father right? Maybe I’m not good enough for her. No, that can’t be right. I was plenty good enough for my Jennifer, and she’s just as hot as my Amanda. I mean, so what if I’ve been working in a coffee shop the last couple of years. There’s no shame in that! I was providing a service that people needed! They would line up, just to get coffee from me. People don’t stand in lines for fun. Lines aren’t fun. They needed me. Just like my Jennifer needed… no, still needs me! Yeah, I’m needed. People need me. In fact, people love me! I’m basically a walking, talking love machine! Hey everyone, stop what you’re doing and gaze upon my greatness! No, no… flowers aren’t needed. Chocolate? Perhaps – you may put it on the pile with the rest. What’s this? A bevy of beautiful girls want me to give them children? Well, I can’t say I blame them. I guess a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Alright my prettys, form a line. Don’t fret. It won’t take long to get to all of you…

That old fool has no idea what he’s talking about.

Where the hell am I, anyway?

I suddenly come to the realization that I’m no longer on the road. In fact, I don’t see any recognizable landmarks around me at all. The desert is too rugged for me to follow my footprints and the sun is about to set. Wasn’t it just afternoon? Where did the whole day go?

A wolf howls off in the distance somewhere. Are there wolves in the desert? I didn’t think there were wolves in the desert! Whoever heard of a wolf in the desert!

A shiver runs up my spine. This is the second time that I’ve been cold now today. I hate being cold. Come to think of it, I’m kind of hungry too.

Mom always said my day dreaming would be the death of me one day. Well, at least I won’t have to hear her say ‘I told you so’. Guess I’ll just lie down here and die alone.

Again with the death thing? Seriously, I need to talk to someone about this. I wish I could talk to Amanda or Jennifer about it. Actually, I just wish one or both of them were here right now. Amanda could get me something to eat, Jennifer could warm me up. Then when Amanda got back, maybe they could warm each other up…

No! Not good! I go down that daydream rabbit hole and I’m a dead man for sure!

I shiver a little and glance around at the rocks and tiny shrubs. Maybe I could make a bed out of… spikey desert plants?

Okay, now I really miss Amanda. She made surviving in the desert look so easy. What would she do in a situation like this? Just stand around, look hot and generate her own heat, probably. Oh man, what I’d do to have her hot body here right now.

Still not helping! Think, brain! Stop wandering off on me! We’re in real trouble here!

I hunker down in a small depression in the ground, pull my arms out of my sleeves and into my shirt. I wrap my bare arms around myself and shiver some more.

I feel completely useless. What have I done in this life? Farted away in art school, served coffee to yuppie losers, dragged my feet with a gorgeous woman – that’s what I’ve done. That’s all I’ve done. And I didn’t deserve any of it, either. I don’t deserve my art ability – I’ve done nothing with it. I don’t create anything. I’m not bringing beauty into the world. I’ve squandered my talent. My one, lonely talent.

Serving coffee? Please. A monkey could do that stupid job – and probably do it better than I was doing it. I hate those stupid successful people that can afford their fancy $10 coffees. I hate how they wouldn’t even look at me. Never smiled. Never asked about my day. Just give me my golden brown cup of swill, coffee boy. And be quick about it. And try not to screw up my precious order. We actually do important things with our lives, not like you, you loser coffee serving artist wannabe.

Jennifer. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve Amanda either. I don’t deserve one stunning beauty that inexplicably finds me attractive, much less two! And they’re fighting over me!? I’m living in a comic book or something. This isn’t real life. There’s just no way. I need to put a stop to all of that. They saw how I screwed up my chance to be the champion of an entire race of people. Oh yes, threw that away right quick, didn’t I? And yet, they’re fighting over me. Can’t figure that one out. They’ve both gone crazy for sure. I’ve got to set them straight – show them what an absolute loser I am. I don’t deserve you, Amanda. I don’t deserve you, Jennifer. What a shame I’m realizing all this as I lie here and freeze / starve to death. Maybe I can scratch them a letter in the dirt or something? Nope… desert is hard as a rock. Just one more regret I guess. I’m sorry, everyone. I am the embodiment of sorry. I am sorrow itself.

With my thoughts finally finished, I lie silent and shiver. More time passes; I can’t feel my legs any longer. Wow it gets cold in the desert. I don’t think it will be long now.

My eyes start to close – probably for the last time. I just wish someone was here. I don’t even care who at this point, just a warm body to see to mine when it finally shuts down for good. I don’t want to die alone.

My eyes barely see the spotlight that engulfs my body. My ears barely register the hated, familiar voice as it blares out from the whirring drone in the sky above me.

“Prisoner 776! I have you now!”