Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)

“So, honey, what would you recommend me to try?” My uncle winked at me as he opened the menu and the voracious look on his face made me burst into guffaw.

He was hungry, I knew he was, I´d heard his complaints at least ten thousand times during the last hour. Most of the time, he stood behind the bathroom door, testing my patience. And I really had to try hard to stay calm and not to throw my comb at him.

Or the hairspray.

Maybe the hot hair straightener, too.

But whom I wanted to lie to. I was incredibly grateful to him for all that distraction. The first semester was over, I had an excellent school report and the invitation to dinner from Jim was my reward.

No.

No Porsche in the garage.

I was also grateful for this, of course. But if I knew how he would push me around to hurry up, he would only get spaghetti with ketchup instead. After all, I was not planning to go to a restaurant in pair of jeans and a sweatshirt when I could look much more magical, right?

I had nothing to do all week, I let Jessica talk me into shopping. And now, as I was looking at the black Japanese-style dress with the subtle color patterns I was wearing, I didn’t regret it at all.

No, I’m kidding.

I didn’t give a damn about the whole shopping thing, I just really needed to stop thinking about him being not around.

“Salmon, Jimmy,” I wiggled my eyebrows at him. “Ignoring salmon at this place would be literally a sin.”

We were sitting at Pierre’s, at the same restaurant where Eric had taken me to dinner less than two months ago. I quite enthusiastically agreed with Jim´s choice of a restaurant, just because I could reminiscence about that evening. At my request, we even sat at the same table, but it was completely different. My demon wasn’t with us.

I missed him.

I missed him damn much since the moment he left my lips and climbed out of my window on Saturday night. I missed him at school on Monday when he didn’t even show up, forcing me to realize that this was really important to him. That he didn’t want us to be in touch in any way.

It was torment, to survive those seconds, I really counted them in my head. Perhaps millions of them passed, yet it was only Monday night. I went to bed, I got up in the morning, I survived the day. I went to bed again, got up in the morning, was forced to survive another day. It was as if Eric Lestrad didn’t even exist.

But I was still happy.

Despite everything, I felt too excited.

Like I was thirteen again and fell in love for the first time. I saw rainbows, pink clouds and unicorns and the idiotic smile kept occupying my lips. Because I simply knew that he would come back to me.

I was hugging his teddy bear more often than necessary. Every night, I was falling asleep with the thought of him. And I spent the rest of the time wearing his hoodie. Damn, for the first time in my life, I acted like an infantile teenager. But yeah, I was in love, I was pretty screwed. And all I wanted was our separation to end as soon as possible.

There was a long weekend ahead of us, I thought of so many things we could do. There was only one problem left that kept me from singing with happiness.

François Leroy.

The more days passed, the more names I called him. I knew my demon still owed me a lot of answers. For example, why he kept staying in touch with someone like that vicious Frenchman. But this time, I was willing to handle it patiently. After he admitted what had really happened after the Christmas party, now that I knew what our friendship meant to him that he was actually protecting me despite those ugly words, I wanted to deal with his demonic side carefully and slowly. Now that I knew what I meant to him, I also wanted to show him what he meant to me.

For example, by not insisting so much.

I was looking forward to him, I was looking forward to the moment when he would come back to me. But the more time passed, the more I languished, lying in my bed at night alone. At least I longed to know whether he felt the same way. Whether he wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. Whether he missed me so desperately as I missed him. So desperately that even rising my chest in attempt to breathe simply hurt.

Inwardly, I thanked Jessica for the shopping-trip, Beckie for keeping my head constantly busy with the latest gossips. I was terribly grateful to Jim for this little distraction and the bottle of red wine he didn’t hesitate to order.

After Christmas, after a month full of crap, I somehow began to live again. And I felt the strong urge to enjoy this evening as well. Talking to Jim about those little details was always fun and the divine roasted calamari on a plate in front of me just added a specific flavor to our family dinner.

But I froze a little bit when it came to Veronica. My uncle fell silent as he reminisced her. I didn’t want to steal this moment from him. I just squeezed his hand gently and preferred to look away, giving him space and time to deal with his memories.

Nothing had changed here in two months.

I recalled those beautiful, dried flowers, adorning the walls.

I recalled the pictures of Paris, the ones that made me want to book a plane ticket immediately.

I also saw the same decorations, making this place look cozy.

And my demon was there too.

I blinked; I blinked few times as if it could help me to realize that I was just dreaming. But no, my madly pounding heart clearly told me that he was really there. That this wasn’t just a nightmare.

He entered the next room and headed for one of the larger tables accompanied with his insane friend. It was Leroy, I couldn’t be more sure that he came with Leroy too, though I lost view of him as he sat around the corner.

But I didn’t care.

Even if he sat right in front of me, I wouldn’t care.

Because my heart kept pounding.

Like by running. It was as if, after running a few tens of feet, you find out that it’s not a short, but a long-distance running, and you’ve run out of your energy already. And all of a sudden you can’t keep standing on your feet.

My heart felt exactly the same when I saw her. A beautiful long-legged blonde in an extra short dress who was walking beside the boy to whom all my thoughts belonged. I recognized her right away. It was the girl who flirted with him at a Christmas party. Exactly the one he left behind to dance tango with me. And now she was smiling at him.

My chest tightened; I couldn’t breathe in enough air. I just wished desperately to be able to close my eyelids, to be unable to see. The way he put his hand on her back, as he pulled out a chair for her. The way he sat down too close to her.

And then, my heart stopped trying. At that second, exactly at the second my demon bent down to kiss her. At that one second, my heart stopped running.

Because he kissed her.

He kissed her.

Every single drop of blood in my blood vessels, I could feel them, they all turned to boiling water. My lungs burned; I couldn’t force myself to take my eyes off them.

Fuck! There was nothing innocent about the way he was kissing her.

“Sweetheart,” Jim pulled me out of my agony, “what are you looking at so intently?”

Yes, he literally pulled me out, and I jerked. As if it was a reality that just gave me a painful slap.

Eric’s back tensed in an instant. I could recognize it practically across the room as he stiffened. I understood that he must have heard Jim´s voice. That he realized who my uncle addressed. He broke away from her lips, he broke away from her. But I didn’t wait. I didn’t want to wait until he looks at me. There was nothing in the world that could force me to meet his eyes.

“Nothing, Jim.”

I was sure, damn sure, that no one had ever deserved an Oscar for acting as much as I did right now. Because I managed to fake a big smile. A wide smile in huge contrast to how I actually felt. It was as if someone was kicking me with chained shoes.

No.

I felt worse.

You need to hold on, Lara.

“There are beautiful paintings of Paris, hanging on the walls, you know,” I made up a lie. “So beautiful that you feel the urge to visit the city.”

You have to endure it Lara, you have to keep smiling!

He believed me. My uncle probably didn’t register the battle I was waging inside me now. He didn’t notice how horribly it hurt me to rise my damn chest and inhale.

You have to pretend that everything´s okey. For Jim. At least do it for Jim.

Come on! Please!

Please, Lara!

“Then let´s go!” He winked at me. “During the summer holidays. What do you say?”

He kissed her.

My eyes blurred; I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t control those burning tears that filled my eyes. They told me I´d lost the battle.

“Will you excuse me?” I had to get out. I had to get out before he would notice something. “I need to use the ladies room.”

He smiled at me; my uncle returned my fake smile in an honest form. And then he said something, but I had no idea what. Because I ran away.

What from?

A million-dollar question.

From the boy who completely destroyed me.

Or from my own stupidity.

Because it was me who gave him another chance.

And this was my answer.

I didn’t understand how Jim could believe my lies as I saw my reflection in the mirror. The girl there, in front of me, looked completely broken. I was staring at her, I was searching, I was trying so hard to find the reasons why she´d gotten out of bed this morning happy.

No, I couldn’t remember.

A dead pale color dominated her face. There wasn’t even a trace of the sparks that glowed merrily in her irises two hours ago. There was just a stream of tears that suddenly couldn’t be stopped.

Because of him.

Because of the boy who told me less than a week ago that he would never hurt me. That I was his world, his soulmate. That he wanted all of me. That he wanted me.

He. My demon. The one who kissed another girl.

It wasn’t true. Nothing he´d said was true.

My gosh, Lara! How stupid you can be?

Those damn wet things were trickling down my face as I watched my reflection. I desperately wished it weren’t me. I wished so much that it was a dream. But no.

He didn’t lie to Leroy.

He lied to me.

I was really just the trophy he wanted to win.

I clenched my fists hard, the ruined girl in the mirror did the same thing. I owed her, I had to collect myself. I suppressed more tears filling my eyes, I wiped them from my face. I took few deep breaths, hoping it might help to hide, to cover the evidence of my pain. I was hoping it might help me return to Jim and survive at least this dinner.

Reaching for the doorknob, I opened the door and slammed into a firm chest.

Before I even realized what was happening, I was pushed back inside. But it didn’t take me even a fraction of a second to understand who was now standing in this small space with me.

“What the fuck...?”

I didn’t have time to swear further as his palm covered my mouth and silenced me. I looked up surprised only to find despair in his eyes. But this time, I knew better. He pretended. The hopelessness in his face was fake, just like my demon himself.

Great performance, Eric, well done!

Yes, he did surprise me with this whole theater, I guess that was the only reason why I didn’t defend myself. He tapped his index finger on his ear, he pressed it against his lips right after. And then he slowly released me and opened the water tap fully.

I didn’t understand anything he was doing, but I didn’t care, nevertheless. Under no circumstances did I plan to stay in the same room with him.

“Dove,” he whispered.

Yes, Eric?

Did you come to see me?

Did you come to look at how I am crying because of you?

“It’s not what it looks like,” he shook his head.

I had a little trouble understanding him because of the flowing water. I wanted to shake my head as well, but then it dawned on me. I realized that the water was a soundscape. Only then did it occur to me that Leroy, like my demon, could probably hear so well.

“I’ll explain everything, I swear,” he whispered, letting the despair to overwhelm his voice too. “Just please, wait for Leroy to leave.”

I looked up, I didn’t stop myself from doing so, I looked at him again. So damn beautiful, he was standing in front of me in those elegant black pants and white shirt. The same deep brown eyes, I knew their nooks and crannies. The same mesmerizing gaze, so many times I got lost in it. The same lips I sold my soul for. And all of a sudden, he seemed so far away from me.

Come on, speak, lie to me, keep lying to me.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” I whispered, smiling widely. “Because I won’t believe a word that will come out of your mouth.”

Everything, I swear, I would tolerate everything. That he was different, that he had his secrets, that there was nothing ordinary about him. But not this. That he kissed me and then he kissed someone else.

“We´re done.”

I couldn’t stand it anymore. I wasn’t able to stay here, to look at him, to count how many pieces he crushed my heart into.

“Lara,” his voice broke. Damn, he decided to finish me off when he reached out to cup my face with his hand.

I pushed him away with all my strength and I ran out of that tiny room as if my life depended on it. I didn’t want to lose the last bit of self-esteem I had left.

I didn’t look back.

I needed to calm down so Jim wouldn’t find out what had happened. I needed to act as if everything was alright so he wouldn’t worry about me. I needed to find an excuse for why it took me so long. But the shards of some logic that I had managed to glue together hastily, shattered over and over again as soon as I turned around the corner. As soon as I slammed into her.

Into a gorgeous blonde with the face of a top model and a figure that I could only dream of.

She grabbed me, only thanks to her I didn’t fall straight on my butt. And I literally had to try hard to be able to suppress the urge to shiver I felt when our hands touched.

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”

It surprised me. She didn’t look mean or supercilious and suddenly, I just wished I had at least some damn reason to hate her. But she probably had no idea, she didn’t have the slightest clue of what she was doing to my heart a few minutes ago.

“Sure,” I tried to smile. “I’m sorry. It was me who slammed into you.”

She smiled at me too, something glowing in her irises as she scanned me. “You´re familiar to me. Haven’t we already met each other somewhere?”

Right! Of course, we have! At the Christmas party, do you remember?

I was the one who stole your boyfriend.

“To be honest, I don’t know,” I lied. This unexpected encounter made me pretty nervous. “I’m sorry, but the truth is, I have a hard time remembering faces.”

She laughed, as if amused by my sincerity, and reached out her hand to me. “I’m Sophie.”

Maybe a second passed, maybe ten seconds, maybe two hours. Maybe we were really standing in the narrow corridor of a French restaurant. And maybe I just had a really bad dream.

“Mmmm, Sophie,” I muttered. It must have been some supernatural power that made me rise my hand too to shake hers. “That’s a beautiful name.”

My gaze dropped to the floor; I couldn’t look at her anymore. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to keep looking at her stunning face. At the cheerfulness and friendliness that radiated from her. For nothing in the world, I didn’t want to recall the afternoon when I, hidden in the demonic embrace, heard this name for the first time.

“I’m very pleased to meet you, Sophie, but I´m sorry, I gotta go now. I kept my company waiting too long.”

I deliberately walked around her quickly, I deliberately ran away from her. I deliberately didn’t introduce myself as well.

Because if Eric was willing to go through all the - water and whispering - ceremonies, if there really was a chance Leroy could hear us too, it was the last thing I wanted tonight. To say my name aloud, to let him find out I was in the same restaurant. To meet him after seeing the boy I loved kissing… well, only God knows if it was truly just an ex-girlfriend. I didn’t have the energy to deal with some more drama.

“Honey, is everything okay?” I recognized worry in Jim’s eyes when I returned to him. Also, he had every right to be worried.

“I don’t know,” I decided to keep lying. “I feel kind of weird. I have an upset stomach.”

His concern only deepened, and so did my remorse. But I had no choice, something inside me, probably my lungs shouted at me that I had no choice. That they are about to collapse. I needed to get out of here, the need suddenly seemed unbearable. There was no way I could manage to stay sitting here. Not even for my uncle.

“I’m sorry,” he took me by my hand and smiled softly. “I’ve had enough. What if we went home and I made you some tea?”

I smiled too, I finally smiled honestly at him. Because he deserved it: “Thank you, Jimmy.”

Do you also have tea for a broken heart?

He kept his promise, at least someone kept his promise. The scent of jasmine tea filled my room as I laid the cup on the windowsill and threw myself heavily on my chair.

The crap in my head, I desperately wanted to get rid of it. I wanted so badly to forget. To let it all out, to cry. Now, I had no reason to suppress the tears that had accumulated inside me. To suppress the pain, I felt. Yet, I couldn’t, I wasn’t able to cry even a single drop.

My dear heart, why are you quiet?

Giving him a second chance was your idea, wasn’t it?

So why are you silent now?

Are you still beating?

Is there at least something you could still bleed?

C´mon, that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?

Now, dream on, try it, dream on, do it!

Let him deceive you further.

Let him lie to you.

Dream on!

Don’t hide, don’t just lie there in my chest, don’t die!

Keep dreaming on.

Can you still do it?

They say that if you´re wise, you´ll never enter the same river twice. But the truth is that if you really love someone, you’ll step in there so many times until you drown.

And I just stopped seeing the shore.

***

I didn’t miss a single gap. The whole house shone clean when my uncle came home from work at four. I did my laundry, and when there was none of my cloths left, I focused on Jim’s closet.

I cooked for him, playing with every detail. I was damn listening to Cradle of Filth, just to get the shit, that my brain had turned into, out of my head.

It hurt.

The fractures of my heart muscle and the image of him kissing another girl hurt. Exactly the one I was trying to bury somewhere inside me. So deep that it would never come to the surface again.

In vain.

I, a staunch supporter of laziness and couching, pulled out my sneakers and cap, and went running. I ran along a field path leading into the woods until I couldn’t breathe anymore. Until the muscle pain was what I felt the most.

It only helped for a while.

I felt like I was eighty, when I woke up on Saturday morning. I wasn’t even able to get out of my bed. I had nothing to do, there was nothing I wanted to do.

I reached for my cell phone as Joel was the only one, I wanted to hear. But I dialed Jessica instead.

“Shopping, baby?” She asked me immediately. “Just admit that you’re starting to like it.”

No, I wasn’t, I was far away from liking it. But her enthusiastic voice was all I needed. I understood that I wouldn’t get over it by myself. That I couldn’t stay alone.

“How about a slumber party? Me, you, Beckie and Mr. Jack Daniels. At my place. Jim´s working all night.”

I sighed with relief as she squeaked, excited. She gave me hope that I might survive today. And it wasn’t a bad idea at all.

They made me watch some series, they made me tell them embarrassing stories from my dating life back at home. They made me laugh, they made me forget. At least for a while.

They stayed sitting with me on the floor of my room when I couldn’t sleep. And while listening about all the cosmetic things I could possibly put on my face; I was so glad I knew them.

It started at eight in the morning.

The loud ringing of my phone that immediately woke me up. Or it could have also been Jessica’s hand which hit me in the arm a second later. I turned off the sound and then nothing. Then I simply stared at Eric’s name flashing on the screen.

He´s kidding me, isn’t he?

What the fuck does he want from me?

Maybe there was some intact part of my heart left that he could still destroy. To complete his work.

It pissed me off, his audacity to call me pretty much turned me on. And threw me off balance. I couldn’t believe it; I just couldn’t orient myself for a while. But the phone started ringing again, bringing me reliably back to reality.

Fuck!

“Damn, Lara,” Beckie muttered, and I declined the call without hesitation. Without the slightest hesitation, I turned off my phone completely. Whatever he wanted, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to hear him. In fact, I didn’t want to see him as well.

Never more.

I repeated those words to myself, this decision of mine, as I threw myself back into bed. I pretended everything was okay as I adjusted my pillow. I tried to let my logic win, I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t interested in his lies as I kicked the duvet off me because I felt too hot underneath it. I tried to pretend that he meant nothing to me as I turned over on to my belly.

In vain.

I wasn’t able to stop hypnotizing my phone. In less than ten minutes I caught myself in temptation to switch it on again. I rather got up, went downstairs, and made breakfast for the girls.

Suddenly, I was happy, like really happy when they both suggested going shopping. Damn, I was the first sitting in the car, as I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible.

It didn’t help either.

I was forced to admit that Eric Lestrad totally broke me. I could try to focus on all the dresses the girls were showing me. I could order the most glorious hot chocolate at the coffee shop. I could watch that huge screen in the cinema. Yet it was he, only he alone, who occupied my head, whom my thoughts kept returning to.

I came home at six in the evening just to learn two crucial things.

First, Jim ate the rest of the lasagna and cake, which meant I would have to cook again tomorrow.

Second, my demon was looking for me here.

My stomach tightened when my uncle announced me the news. My whole heart tightened at the thought of meeting him.

“You should have greeted him from me,” I shrugged and bit into the apple. It was sour, very sour. Exactly as sour as Jim’s expression.

“Are you two still fighting?”

I realized that Jim still didn’t know, I understood that I´d just gave myself away. A hint of disappointment grew in his eyes, making me feel sorry. Despite what my damn demon had done to me, he used to be a great support for my uncle, and I didn’t want to stand between them.

“Don’t worry, Jim,” I smiled, throwing the apple in the trash. “I swear to heavens that our fighting won’t affect your friendship with him in any way. You have my word.”

I turned to the stairs as I was overwhelmed by the need to dodge his searching gaze. I headed away from the kitchen, but after a few steps I stopped anyway. Because it occurred to me. That I could use their friendship to my advantage.

“Actually, could you do something for me? Would you return to him a few things he forgot here?”

My uncle exhaled heavily, but then he just nodded without saying a word.

I ran upstairs and trying to ignore my madly pounding heart, I reached for the door handle. But no. A huge load was taken off my mind when I found no demons in my room, waiting for me. There was only my bed, my duvets, my furniture, my chair and my books. And my phone, which I refused to take with me this morning.

I grabbed his hoodie. I searched all the drawers to find the diamond necklace. And finally, I picked up the black bow tie from the floor. But the phone was still lying there.

I put all those things into a bag, I got rid of anything that reminded me of him. But the damn phone still kept catching my attention.

I quickly put on leggings, jacket, cap and sneakers, and in an effort to get as far away from my cell phone as possible, I decided to go running again. Because no, I didn’t have the courage to switch it back on. I didn’t want to care. For the sake of my heart, I couldn’t care anymore.

I left the bag with Jim, I ran out of the house, and then I kept running until it was another pain, the more bearable one that overwhelmed me again. The freezing February air was ripping through my lungs, pinching my cheeks, I couldn’t feel my fingers. But my heart was forced to beat.

I felt pretty exhausted when I got home. The hot shower helped me relax and mentally prepare myself for having to turn on the phone now. The total balance was sixty missed calls and forty-eight messages.

Dove, it’s not what it looked like.

Leroy´s gone. Please give me a chance to explain myself.

Please, Dove, I’ve been dying to see you for a week.

Please, just let me explain myself.

Lara, I beg you.

Come on, please.

Princess don’t do this to me.

Please!

I made a mistake, I know, but please listen to me.

Lara, come on, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Please.

Twenty more times please.

Maybe thirty.

I don’t know.

Damn, did he really expect me to believe him? Again?

I could understand that there was nothing normal about him. I respected his request not to stay in touch. I didn’t mind him saying to Leroy that I was just a trophy that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. But the fact that he spent only God knows how many evenings kissing his ex-girlfriend… No! I couldn’t get over this.

What did he want to explain to me?

That he needed to protect me?

Fuck!

No one would persuade me that Leroy couldn’t be convinced without her. No! Dammit! I will never share my boyfriend!

Jace taught me all about it.

I grabbed his teddy bear to shove it into the deepest corner of my closet. It was the last thing I had to do to erase him completely at least from my room.

Well…, no. It wasn’t the last thing. But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how long I stared at my reflection in the mirror, I wasn’t able, I simply couldn’t take the dragon off my neck. At least not for now.

I set an alarm clock and switched the phone off again. And all that remained was to provide some kind of a spell that would make me invisible. So I could survive tomorrow when I would have to face him at school.

🙕

*