Experimentation

“Iris, wake up. You’ve got to get up for school” A voice speaks softly into my ear, allowing me to partly wake up. “No,” I mumble in my sleepy state falling in and out of my peaceful bliss. As my body relaxes, close to falling asleep, an ice-cold liquid is dumped over my body causing me to shoot my eyes open and jump out of the lake that once was my bed.

“Good, you’re awake.” The wet sheet sticks to my thigh as I land on the floor, pulling it off the bed. I begin feeling the cold wooden floor underneath my toes forcing a shiver up my spine. I squint my eyes at the sudden change of light and try to block the water from getting in, I glance over to see my sister Sarah opening my curtains. “You don’t want to be late, it’s your first day back.” She straightens her back, aiming to leave the room. "Did you really have to do that?" Whispering under my breath as she is about to reach my door, her body freezes for a second. "Because I know you wouldn't have woken up any other way. Wherever you been this past week has thrown your sleep schedule off course, I understand you just got out but call me before doing that again." Sarah spits harshly towards me before slamming the door shut behind her, so much for being supportive of my return.

Shifting to the side, the edge of my foot bangs into my nightstand. A stinging ripples through my body as a piece of wood enters my heel. As I sit on the edge of the bed, water begins to soak through my pants. How much water did Sarah throw? "Seriously?" Yelling as I grip my hand on the plastic cup that sat on my dress and hurl it at the wall. The cup bounces off the wall and into my suitcase, blowing the dust off of my nearby dresser.

I haven't been in my room in a year, after my incident, I was forced away. The tall windows allow rays of light to flicker in, showing off the amount of dust. How did I manage to breathe in here? Shuffling my feet towards the balcony door, drops of water fall off of me onto the floor. I'm going to need a mop once I get home, god damn it. I really wish I was the oldest at this point, I could ground her fast then she could say I'm sorry. I push the sliding door aside while stepping outside, allowing the warm sun to hit my skin.

Resting my arms on the railing, I gaze into the patch of woods behind my house. The oak trees stand tall but flimsy when a wind storm hits, leaves falling on the ground gently. I've missed this, the view from my room. You never realize what you have until you almost lose it.

I make my way back to the room, waltzing around my suitcase on the floor heading towards my closet. Pulling the door open, I look at the clothes that lie inside. I haven't worn any of these in so long, I don't even know if they'll fit properly.

After a few minutes of contemplating, I grab a grey long sleeve shirt with a pair of yoga pants. They're the safest option in my entire closet, I hang my pants up on hangers besides my shirts making it easier to get dressed in the morning. I throw my wet clothes in the dirty hamper, ringing my hair out before placing the dry clothing on my body. I got this, I'm wearing comfortable clothes with my black leather boots that got me through everything. How hard can it be to go back to school be?

As I reach for my bag, my mind drifts off. What if they find out what happened over the last year? How could they? Was the footage not destroyed? The way my heart is pounding causes my head to be spinning, my breath becomes ragged. My panic attacks haven't be gone for long, I grab my knees and throw myself on the ground. Placing my head in between my knees, I have to count to ten.

1...

2...

3...

They can hurt me.

4...

5...

6...

Will they hurt me?

7...

8...

Will I hurt them?

9...

No.

10...

A gentle knock comes from my door, it slightly opens and in pops my little brother Anthony’s head. He was only 7 when I left, he has grown so much in the last year. His curly brown hair had flopped over his eyes accentuating his blue eyes, his two front teeth have finally grown in. “Sissy said you need to come downstairs for breakfast, what are you doing on the floor?” Anthony murmurs out of his mouth which is filled with what looked like to be eggs. Swiftly nodding my head and push my hands beside myself, returning to my stand position. "I dropped my bag and fell with it?" He's eight, he'll believe anything. Right? Anthony turns his head to the side confused but just nods his head before turning back and running towards the stairs. I've got to get going.

Walking down the stairs at a lento speed, trying to avoid my wrathful sister who had woken me up minutes before. I enter the kitchen silently to see Sarah at the stove with her phone on her shoulder and Anthony sitting on his chair dangling his legs back and forth off in his own innocent mind. “No Amanda, I understand she had been affected by Mom’s death but so was Anthony and I. Iris-” Sarah had whispered out loud enough for me to hear from right behind her, I reached around her and grabbed my plate. I put my lips near Sarah’s ear and whisper “Don’t talk about someone that’s in the same room as you.” I stroll to the chair next to Anthony and sit down, chewing gently to appreciate the flavor lacked where I was ‘hospitalized’. For the first time since I got out, I get to have eggs and bacon. The eggs have a spicy flavor that magnifies its appeal and the bacon soaked in maple syrup and crisped to perfection, my mouth watered at the aroma steaming off of the food that had laid before me. My sister and I may hate each other but I can’t be hateful towards her cooking. “It’s time for you to head for school Irisa.” My sister said not even looking me in the eye, I nod my head, grab my bag, and walk out the door.

The wind begins gently blowing my hair in many directions causing a chilling breeze makes its course through my body, how does the weather change that fast? When you live in Illton, cold is not something common here. The sky gets brighter, the sun was rising and if you looked sharply enough, you could still see the moon. I trudge down my gravel path, lazily crunching the rocks under my feet, enjoying my time alone and free from the Asylum. My mind was free from the pain until my thoughts went to the night my hope lost where the darkness had pulled my mind into the abyss of pain.

The rain was pouring on the top of the car, pounding hard against the metal. The thunder had roared resonantly causing the whole car to rumble with the echo. Lights flashing across the sky, striking down along the road hitting the power lines. The heater blasting the tepid air, cycling the heat around the car letting my body heat and relaxing in my seat. Sarah was drumming against the steering wheel letting her mind wander into her music-loving side. Anthony was playing on his tablet enjoying his time on Minecraft, killing the zombies and building his beacon. And here I am, realizing their lives would be better off with me gone, they wouldn’t even miss me. Sarah wouldn’t need to be responsible for me and getting me up for my sophomore year, she can just focus on Anthony and his simple life. Anthony could survive without two older sisters to boss him around, at this age, he might not even remember me or our dad that past when he was in the army and our mom who had been in a car crash and…. Didn’t survive the impact… 6 months ago.

My mom was the light of my life, my best friend, my… mom. She was on her way home from her late-night shift at the hospital, her passion was to help others and try her hardest to make them have a future. After my dad had passed, she wanted us to have every opportunity available to us, which means taking double shifts at the hospital, having a part-time job to afford to send us to college. She was a true hero who had nothing but a heart for the world, then when the drunk driver had slammed his truck into her car, she just died, while he got to live. It had sunk my heart to hear the news, my sister had to step up to a new role she wasn’t ready to have, and we all know it. I just want to make it easier, make it better for them. I will finally reunite with mom.

We pulled up to the house as the rain had been at its heaviest, my sister quickly grabbed Anthony while we rushed inside. Sarah quickly drops Anthony on the ground throwing her coat off as she did. “I want both of you to change, you both have school in the morning and neither of you needs to get sick.” Sarah has hushed out due to lack of breath, her eyes shined with stress and fatigue. I’ll make it easy, I promise.

I put my coat neatly on the hook, in no rush to make Sarah more stressed, I had everything written down. She’ll understand this isn’t her fault, the darkness is too powerful from the light. It’s drowning me, the world has been dragging me through the most agonizing chapters of my life and it’s time for me to pass. I may not be old or physical sick but my mind has been showing me the truth, the dark truth.

I arrive at my room and looked around at the cleanliness, it's unusually clean but I heard it helps make the whole forgetting me process better for them all. My boxes were lined against the wall, all of my personal belongings packed neatly inside ready for its new home in the attic. I had lain my burial outfit on my bed and gently placed the note on top of the dress, choosing my fate. I walk to my bathroom and grab my favorite new toy, a diamond tip silver blade. Cuts sharp and fast since it’s so sharp it won’t scar unless I cut deep. I lay slowly on the bed and look at the blade and then my wrist.

Today it will be as deep as can be, letting the blood slowly start to flow out of my body. I can listen to my heart pound as my life slipping away, I will finally be at peace.

Then there was a sharp knock on the door, in walks my sister staring at the mail. She didn’t notice my transition from life to death, her eyes focused on the mail. “Hey Iris, did you subscribe to?” Sarah looked at me and saw my arms bleeding, trailing from my fingers to my chest. Her mind finally registered on what was happening as my mind started to sway. Sarah’s eyes lit in horror as the blood dripped down onto the blanket, she had her mouth slightly ajar and once she looked for a few seconds longer a heart-piercing scream comes roaring from her chest. The world starts to fade in and out of the peacefully nothing, I see her pull out her phone and is scream inaudible words into it. I closed my eyes wanting the pain to end faster, but I was unable to sleep. I opened them slightly again to see Sarah hiding Anthony behind her as two paramedics enter the room. No. They can’t save me, I don’t want them to, I want to sleep forever.

I shake my head gently getting the thought to go back into the cavern of my mind. At least my sister unpacked my boxes, but I don't know what happened to my dress. As I’m about to step off into the street, I couldn’t help but think of the Asylum, what they did to me, what I did to them. Would it be safe to leave my home and into the world where I can hurt so many? I used… what they forced upon me to escape, are those afflictions gone? I can’t live with myself if I were to hurt an innocent, one who doesn’t know the darkness which surrounds me. Before I am able to run back to the haven of my home, I hear wheels screech to a stop and a voice loudly spoken out of the buses intercom. It’s too late now, I just have to move on. I slowly dragged myself to the bus doors and climbed up the stairs to meet the gazes of people that heard of me and knew me. I placed myself in the only empty seat and endured the stares of the curiosity people, let them see the fake me. I don’t need to be myself to survive, that’s what I know.