Every Last Word

It’s pouring outside. AJ, Cameron, Chelsea, Jessica, Sydney, and I are gathered around a table in the cafeteria. Emily would be here, but her mom lost her long battle with cancer, and she hasn’t been at school since we returned from winter break. The funeral is tomorrow and Emily asked AJ to play one of her mom’s favorite songs. We’ll all be there, of course.

I glance over at the spot where I used to sit. Alexis, Kaitlyn, Olivia, and Hailey are all where they belong, eating and chatting as usual. We haven’t said much to each other in the last month, but they all look happy, even Hailey.

AJ rests his hand on my knee. “You all right?”

“Yeah.” I push my food around my plate. “I’m not very hungry today.” I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. We still have another thirty minutes before lunch is over. “I think I’ll go write for a bit.”

“Have fun,” he says, giving my leg a squeeze.

I stand up, grabbing my tray off the table and telling everyone I’ll see them later. Before I leave, I wrap my free arm around AJ’s neck from behind. “Love you,” I whisper in his ear.

The rain is coming down harder, which doesn’t matter that much until the covered walkway comes to an end and there’s no other way to get to the theater’s double doors than to cross the open grass. I throw my jacket over my head and make a run for it.

Once I’m inside, I toss my jacket over a chair in the back row and walk down the aisle to the front of the theater. I sit in the chair I always sit in, open my yellow notebook to an empty page, and fish around in the bottom of my backpack until I find a mechanical pencil. I click it once, twice, three times. And then I hear Shrink-Sue’s voice in my head, telling me to click it again, so I give it a fourth click. I stop, resisting the urge to click it two more times.

I scoot back into the chair and slide down low, kicking my legs out in front of me, crossing them at the ankles, staring up at the ceiling and trying to decide where to start. I tap the eraser against the paper. I’m at a loss. I close my eyes and sit like that for a few minutes, breathing in the musky smell of this room, running my fingernails back and forth across the upholstery. I never expected to feel a connection to this place, and now, sometimes it’s the only place I want to be.

It’s been a tough week. I can’t stop thinking about Emily. I want to write a poem for her, something that expresses how sorry I am and tells her how much her friendship means to me, but the words aren’t coming today. I let out a groan and look down at my feet.

I see a pair of boots, right next to my shoes. Then legs, crossed at the ankles, mirroring my posture exactly. My gaze travels up slowly, carefully, like I’m afraid any sudden movement will cause me to lose her.

When I reach her face, I suck in a breath. Then I give her the biggest smile.

“Hey. I’m glad you’re here,” I say, tapping the page with my pencil. “I could use your help with this.”

Her head falls to the side and she smiles back at me. “Anytime,” she says as she reaches over and takes my hand in hers.

I want to keep looking at her, but instead, I let my eyes fall shut.

“Actually,” I whisper, “I think I’ve got this one.”

When I open my eyes again, Caroline is gone.

And I start filling the page with words.