Envious Desire

Chloe

Rolling forward, I’m in utter shock when I feel a sudden emptiness in my core, slick with moisture between my thighs and a hefty hand on my waist.

Twisting at the waist, I peer behind me in a slow movement, viewing Elijah sound asleep– NAKED!

What the fuck? I– what– he was inside. I’m riddled with anxiety– what– OMG! Moving like molasses, I crawl out of bed, trying to make sense of what transpired last night.

“Chlo?”

Freezing in place, ” Eli, I– I need to use the bathroom. I’m sorry.”

Hurried and riddled with anxiety, I make my way to the bathroom. My mind filters through last night’s events triggering a memory of Axel. I was with Axle last night. What the hell? How can? What? Brain fog consumes my mind with pockets of scenes hazed with illuminating colored lights.

The club! Raising my hand to my forehead, I squeeze both my temples in a feeble attempt to jumpstart the accounts from last night. My eyes widen to the size of records; oh, fuck the LSD. I was hallucinating.

What the– DID I FUCK ELI? Mortification creeps up my spine; stepping in reverse, my back cools against the wall, sliding down; I rest my head on my knees.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, CHLOE? He’s gay! What the fuck did I do? While spiraling out of control, the sound of the door shutting prompted me to exit the bathroom to view an empty bedroom.

Fuck did I just ruin my relationship with him? Why would he have sex with me? Was he hallucinating too? Fuck I can’t believe this happened.

Throwing on a pair of stretchy pants and an oversized shirt, I exit the room, making my way to the kitchen, where Cassie is seated, book in hand, drinking her morning coffee. As I enter the room, her eyes find mine. “Are you okay, Chloe?

“Yes, I’m fine,” I hushed in her direction.

“Your friend left rather hastily, bags in hand.”

I take action before she can inquire as to why and offer up the first excuse that entered my mind. “Yeah, Eli had an emergency that required his attention.”

“Did it have to do with you two having sex last night?” She sips her coffee, eyes widening as the hot liquid enters her mouth.

My eyes widen like an owl’s; shame and defensiveness swoop in, “We didn’t.”

“There is one thing that hasn’t changed; these walls are thin.” Her eyes brows raised to her hairline.

“OMG, Cassie, we didn’t. I mean, I don’t think, we stopped, and he’s gay, so–”

“Oh, my dear Chloe, that man is not gay.” She waved her hand in the air in my direction. “I have seen how he looks at you, and the fact you two were able to begin to have sex tells me, at the very bare minimum, he’s bisexual. However, in my opinion, there is not a gay bone in that fine physique of his.”

“That’s impossible, Cassie. He just broke up with his boyfriend.” Am I crazy? Please tell me this didn’t happen.

“If you say so, but I stand my ground. That man is not gay! That man is obviously in love with you.”

Sipping on my tea, there’s no possibility she’s correct in her assumption. Eli is a homosexual, and last night was just a vast, horrific mistake. I was hallucinating, and so was he, for that matter. It can’t be; could he be? No– there’s no way.

“I highly doubt that, Cassie.” I dismiss our conversation with a wave of the hand. “I’m going to lie down; I need rest. This has all been overwhelmingly exhausting. It seems as if a truck literally rolled all 18 wheels over my entire body.”

Nodding her head, I pad my way back to the bedroom. Lying on the bed, remembering the feeling of emptiness as I moved, he was inside me all night. We slept connected.

How could I allow this to transpire? I huff out a loud breath before embracing a pillow in a bear hug while the image of last night’s text triggers that god-awful ache in my chest– again.

Overpowered by last night’s events with Eli, I crave a crucial distance from reality. Night after night, loneliness ensues, consuming my every breath. I ruined my friendship; he fled from here like a bat out of hell. I am to blame for all of this dumbfuckery. He’s avoided every call and text and most likely erased my thousands upon thousands of voicemails.

I’ve found refuge in illicit drugs, found in the confines of last night’s clothing and alcohol from Cassie’s liquor cabinet once again. I need to escape the depths of this fiery hell I currently reside in. Everything is falling apart, and I’m unaware of how to stop this downward spiral I’m headed towards.

A knock on the other side of the room ricochets in my head, “Ugh!”

“Chloe, honey, can I come in?” Cassandra’s voice flows through the door.

With all of my effort pulling forward, I grumble, “Come in.”

Cassie finds her way to my side, dipping the bed with the weight of her connection. Stroking my hair. “Sapphire, I’ve kept shut. However, I have witnessed your excursions to the liquor cabinet and the possibility of drug use.”

Turning away, “I’m painfully aware of my absence previously, although, given the circumstances, I refuse to just ideally stand by and observe your downfall.”

Her words strike a cord.

“You have been through a traumatic experience to then be assaulted with another blow to your newly rekindling relationship, making your reaction understandable.” She places her hand upon mine.

“There’s a saying, ‘It’s okay not to be okay,’ however, I feel that saying needs to be continued with, ‘It is not okay to stay there or make it worse.’”

I have made it worse. I’m ruining everything with my erratic displays of coping.

“Feel your feelings, Chloe. Allow yourself to wallow in it, express every sentiment felt. Anger, sadness, disappointment, whatever is deep seeded within you; nevertheless, once it’s out of your system, you need to clean yourself up and get back on track.” Her hand continues to stroke my head.

Anger, sadness, regret, and confusion all crash down on me at once.

“I don’t know what to do, Cassie. I feel so– so broken.”

“Oh, Baby, you are not broken. You are hurt and have a multitude of emotions to deal with. But if there’s anything I know about you is that you are a SURVIVOR.” Bending at the waist, her arms coil around me.

“Come, let’s get you in the shower and wash away some of the pain.” She strokes my back in that warm, loving motherly caress.

Assisting me off the bed, she guides me towards the shower, twisting the nobs to start the water flow. “I’ll leave you to shower and put on the pot for your tea.”

Nodding, she disappears, leaving me to my own devices.

I perch under the waterfall; liquid seizes my anguish, allowing it to flow down the drain. As much as I crave to liberate my pain, it’s unable to uncage a flow freely.

Wrapping up my shower, I stroll to the bedroom, and dress, allowing my hair to air dry as I find my way to the kitchen.

Entering the kitchen, I stop mid-step when another body comes into view. Cassie’s head twists to greet me, “Chloe, this is my friend Yvette. She just stopped by to see how I was doing since I called out of work for the rest of the week.”

My Spidey senses tingle urging me to flee the area and retreat to the bedroom when Yvette approaches me, holding out her hand, greeting me, “It’s such a pleasure to meet you in person, Chloe. Cassandra has told me so much about you.”

My eye shoot towards Cassie, examining her reaction to Yvette’s words.

“The pictures in her office of you do not do you justice. You are beautiful. Please take a seat; join us in our morning gossip.”

“Gossip?” I question.

“Oh yes, we love to spill the tea.” She laughs at her own remark, strolling back towards the table, planting herself in the seat, staring at me, awaiting my next move.

Reluctant, I stroll to the table, perching in the seat across from her. Cassie rises to full height, “I’ll make your tea.”

Observing her movements, I suspect she craves an exchange of words. I obliged, “So, Yvette, what is your line of work?”

Yvette halts her coffee mid-way, “I’m a physiatrist just like Cassandra.” She continues to sip her coffee.

My blood began to boil, Cassie ambushed me. “Well, I’ll be heading back to my room now.” The chair creates a loud, ear-piercing sound as I push back, preparing to rise from my seat.

Cassie jumps in, “Oh, your tea is almost ready. Why don’t you wait?”

“Cassie, I know what this is, and I don’t want to partake in a kumbayah session with someone I just met– I don’t even know.” My skin begins to sear.

“Oh, Chloe, we just want to talk.” Yvette chimed in, triggering the rage boiling over inside me.

Springing to my feet, I face Cassie, “You should know this would have gone poorly. I don’t take well to others poking their nose in my business. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to open up to you? How much time and how much safety was required for such action! You just destroyed all that bonding, Cassie. How could you!”

Stomping off, I ignore their pleas for my return; slamming the door behind me, I leap onto my bed. Grasping my pillow, I release a belly-aching howl. What made her think I would be even remotely comfortable speaking to a stranger? A STRANGER of all people... about my life.

A light knock on the door requires my attention.

“Sapphire, baby. I’m so sorry. Can I come in, please?”

Refrain from responding; mutism is selected.

The screech of the nob twisting fills the room. The light steps edge closer as she reaches the bed. The shift in weight as the bed dips alters me to her presence in my proximity.

Placing a gentle hand on my back. “I’m so sorry, Baby. I was worried history would repeat itself and your ultimate abandonment was inevitable. Your return, bruised and battered, flashed before my eyes. In desperation, I opted for a solution.” She huffed out in her defense.

Huffing out a deep lung filled breath. “I should have known better than to have brought someone else in. I should have offered to help myself.”

As anger soared through my veins, a gentle caress on my back soothed my rage. “I just want what’s best for you, Chloe. Your happiness is paramount to me; I love you.”

Her words jerked at my heartstrings, causing a tear to release. Wiping the liquid from my cheek, I twist in the bed to face her.

“I get it, Cassie, I do. But I’m not that young teenager anymore. I know your intentions are good. But, you have to allow me the space to embrace this and conclude this chapter in my life in my own way at my own pace. If I require assistance, I will be sure to reach out to you. However– I’m not ready yet. It’s only been a month; please, give me time.”

“I know, I know,” Nodding her head. “I’m just terrified you might remain in this self-destructive state because of the pain, and my only desire is to view your smiling face again.”

In reassurance, I expel in a single breath, “I took heed of your words of wisdom, Cassie. It’s okay not to be okay, but it’s not okay to stay there. I get it, I do, but for now, I need time. Can you give me that?”

After a few moments of silence, she nods her head. “Can you forgive my foolish impulsive decision?”

“I can, only if you promise to give me time.”

“That I can do; I love you, Chloe. I always will.”

Our embrace solidifies our forgiveness. Cassie exits, allowing my space which only permits horrid thoughts to infiltrate my mind. I conclude sleep is my only salvation. I allow myself to drift off into the obsidian abyss to vanquish the horrendous images in my mind.

~~~

Chloe had sex with ELI? 👀

Cassie pushed too hard or did she?

What do you think Chloe will do to get past her trauma?

Thoughts? Theories?

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