Envious Desire

Chloe

Ugh, the pounding in my head is horrendous. I despise mornings like this. The incessant throbbing behind my eyes provokes near blindness. Twisting under the sheets, peering towards the other bed, sheets disheveled and empty, I ponder if Eli made his way to the kitchen.

Meandering towards the bathroom, I brush my teeth, run a comb through my unruly hair, ultimately padding my way to the kitchen. Cassandra is placed at the table, coffee in one hand, a book in the other.

“What has you so focused this early in the daylight?”

Her eyes peer above the pages, “This enthralling book by Alexandra Robinson. It’s called ‘Lust and Deceit.’ A mafia romance, quite intriguing. You should give it a read,” she shoves the book in my direction.

Moving my head up and down, “Is it on Amazon Kindle?”

“Yes, it’s available there too. I just love the feel of the pages. I’m old school. You young kids can do the Kindle stuff.” She waves a hand in the air.

Moving my head up and down, “Okay, maybe I’ll give it a go later.”

“You won’t regret it,” shutting the book, she places it on the table, rising to her feet. “Now, what would you like to eat?”

Huffing my hair from eyes, “I’ll just make myself some tea,” shuffling towards the cabinets her voice interrupts my actions.

“Don’t you dare! You are my guest. Take a seat and allow me to make your tea,” swatting my hand, she glares at me with wide eyes, daring me to defy her. Taking her cue, the edges of my lips pull as I perch at the table.

Swaying a box in front of me, “Cranberry apple, just like when you were younger,” her smile is expansive, tugging the edges of my lips even harder.

Her demeanor has always been a beacon of exuberance, even as children she had an eternal gracious smile that would trigger happiness to burst within.

Placing a steaming cup of tea before me, she plops across the table, laser focused and determined. “So my lovely Sapphire, not that I’m complaining in any way, shape or form. What brings you here?”

Without a doubt, her curiosity would pique. It’s not as if I was cognizant she would inquire about my unannounced presence, I just need to prepare to express my reasoning.

Taking a sip of the boiling tea, I contemplate where to commence. I spew the first thing that comes to mind.

“I wish my mother were here,” my eyes mist at the memory of her. “Not that I’m not happy you’re here,” I ensure to reassure her, “but I just– I just miss her immensely.”

Canopying my hand, “I completely understand. No worries.” She wrinkles her nose exuding her comprehension.

“Chloe honey, you know you are the other daughter I wish I had,” huffing out a breath. “I was pregnant once, after Shelly.”

Shock captured my face, enlarging my eyes, eyebrows rising to the high heavens.

“Shelly is unaware of the miscarriage. She was just 10 years old when it happened. I was dating a man I had not introduced to Shelly as of yet.” Her eyes shift in contemplation, “There was something about him that told me, it wasn’t right, I couldn’t introduce them. We had been dating for 6 months before I got pregnant. Something amended when I told him I was pregnant, he became angry at the slightest notion.” Her head moves back and forth at the memory.

After an exhausted breath, she proceeds, “When I was just about three months pregnant, we got into a heated argument about the pregnancy. I told him I didn’t need him and I could raise the child by myself. His eyes made a quick switch from upset to a dark, evil black– things went flying in the air, as he approached me, he shoved me in my stomach stating I would never have his child without him.”

Tears sting my eyes, pooling at the seams, poor Cassie, she had to endure that all on her own.

“A few moments later I felt a swoosh of moisture between my legs. I knew my pregnancy was threatened. I went to the hospital and they confirmed my suspicion.” She placed a hand over her mouth, with reddened green orbs, her Adam’s apple bobbed as she continued.

“At the hospital, I agreed to press charges and placed a restraining order against him. He’s actually the reason why Ruby and I moved here. I’m so glad we did because we met you and your mother a year and a half later,” her smile warmed up the room.

“See, you were always meant to be my child,” she canopies my hand giving it a light squeeze.

My heart aches for her, her explanation triggered recent events. We’ve both experienced the loss of a child.

Her sniffles elicit my word vomit, “I recently lost my baby.” A hushed voice flowed between us.

“Oh Honey,” rising to her feet, she ushers to my side, embracing me, love flowing through our connection. For the first time in a long while, in the familiarity of her arms, a comfort waved over me.

Receding to peer into my eyes, “What happened? That is, if you’re okay to speak about it. If not, it’s perfectly fine. I completely understand.” Her eyes filled with concern as her eyebrows met in the middle.

Huffing out a loud breath I began at the beginning, the phone call from the doctor’s office the day of Shelly’s engagement, the dreadful shooting, my disappearance. How that monster violated me day after day, unwanted connection, his putrid breath, his lies of Axles death, to the day he attacked me throwing me against the furniture causing my miscarriage. Tears threatened to waterfall but I refused to let them cascade down my cheeks.

I revealed how I had assumed Axle was a figment of my imagination, the horrid nightmares along with the constant fear and anxiety I felt in his proximity. Guilt filled my soul expelling the words. I had to pause to catch my breath, I hadn’t realized my breathing was raging.

“Oh Sapphire, I’m so sorry. Is that why you two broke up?”

Gazing into her curious orbs, I catch a sob before I respond, “No.” That aching stab returns to my chest just below my ribcage. After a few moments to gather my courage I commence.

“About three weeks ago, I finally entered Axle’s bedroom prepared to apologize for the loss of our baby. I allowed contact between us, I relished it even– it felt safe, I had the security I had been lacking. And then I had the asinine objective to meet him at his office. It had been hours since our connection and to be honest I longed for the connection again.” My eyes veered towards the floor admitting my vulnerability.

“He exclaimed he would return by the afternoon, however after hours, and unreturned phone calls and texts my mind began to wonder. I took the initiative, chose an outfit and began my journey to his establishment.

Upon arriving, Victoria attempted to divert my entrance which only piqued my interest. For lack of a better word, the bitch, Selena, was in his office.” Anger inflamed my blood.

“To make a long story short, apparently, he slept with her once before we ever met and she’s been psychotically obsessed with him ever since. So much so, about 8 months ago she drugged Axle, jumped on top of him while he was unconscious and she is now with child,” expelling the words triggers my head to beat along with the vein on the side of my head.

With Owl shaped eyes, “Did he get a DNA test to prove it was his child?”

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, “Yes, it’s his child.” The stinging behind my eyes intensified nevertheless, I decline to allow this predicament to capture my emotions. After another moment of silence, I commence, “She has been by his side, short of harassing him, nearly daily for things for the “baby,” the use of air quotes seemed accurate for the occasion given deep down, it was all to weasel her way into his life.

Cassie chimes in, “Not for nothing but she sounds like a gold digger.”

A short smile materializes at her words, “My thoughts exactly.”

I recall what broke our relationship, “Three days ago, I went to see Axle for an impromptu visit in the hopes Selena would be nowhere to be found given she is always parading around to every gathering Axle and I have attempted to reconnect. I realized I had to go.”

“Why?” Wrinkles form on her forehead.

Shutting my eyes the scene plays on a horrific loop before me– his smile. The happiness, the shock. A tear escapes as my lids separate, “He was exiting the coffee shop where we first met and of course Selena shadowed behind him. Halting their steps, she grasped his hand, placing it on her belly.” My voice lowered, “To allow Axle to feel the baby kick.”

A dead silence filled the room. She allowed me the space to express what I needed to expel the information on my own time, no pressure.

“His smile, the pure elation on his face broke my heart Cassie. That was supposed to be us. I was pregnant with his baby. We were supposed to share those moments. Me and him! It was ripped from us!” My hand slammed upon the table. “She leaped into arms and kissed him.”

My eyes sealed, “For the first time he didn’t recede at her touch.” Peeling my eyelids apart, I veered into her clear blue hues, “That’s when I knew I had to take my leave. I had to allow him the space to raise his child.”

I stuttered, “I– I couldn’t take seeing her and their interactions. The shopping, the appointments, it was just too much. She was everywhere.” I shake my head in a foolish attempt to rid my mind of the memories.

With a harsh rasp to my voice, “That was supposed to be us, we were supposed to share that experience.” My hand swipes away the tear streaming down my face.

Cassie takes from her chair to clasp me by both arms, lifting me from my seat to envelope me in a comforting mama bear hug. the love is palpable, I almost expelled all of my anguish when a sudden anger filled me.

“It’s okay baby, you take all the time you need. You can stay here as long as you want. This will always be your house Sapphire, always.”

Her embrace felt like the safest place on earth when she breaks the silence with something I never thought I would’ve heard.

“I’m unsure if your mother ever told you but she had a miscarriage too.”

Pulling away from her, my eyes widen to the size of plates, “What?”

“Oh, she hadn’t told you, maybe I shouldn’t. Let’s talk about you.”

Her meager attempt to convert the conversation was to no avail. “No Cassie, you can’t open that can of worms and expect me to walk away as if nothing was said. Tell me,” I implore for additional information.

Lips thinning, exhaling a deep breath she begins with hesitance, “When your mother first moved here our first meeting wasn’t exactly friendly.”

I recall the screaming and how it shifted.

“Well, it was as if we were sisters in the womb. We instantly felt a connection and about a week after we met she found out she was pregnant. She was so distraught.”

“Why would she have been distraught?” Confusion laced my voice.

“She was unsure how everything would work. She had just left your father because of the abuse and she was running from her lover as well.”

Eyes bulged, “Her what?” I questioned in pure confusion.

Cassie’s eyes widened, returning to normal size within seconds, “Oh! I thought,” her fingertips landed on her lips. “I’m so sorry Chloe. I thought you were aware. I don’t want to ruin your image of your mother.”

My heart thrashed in an erratic tempo causing my breathing to rise expeditiously. Why would she? No she... I’m at a loss for words. I cannot comprehend.

Questions ran rampant in my brain, a million miles an hour, “Wait! She cheated on my father? Did he know?”

“Chloe, I don’t feel comfortable. This is not my story to tell.”

“She can’t explain this to me, Cassie,” my heart experienced a stab from my words.

Her face fell, understanding the weight of my words. Nodding her head in the slightest movements, her eyes closed and opened before she expelled a breath.

“I don’t know much but I can tell you what she told me. There was someone who she loved from when she was a child. They were on again, off again. She said she realized what they had was wrong.”

“Wrong,” my eyes sliced.

“Your mother never explained in detail. She kept that relationship close to the heart. She said she met your father and was smitten. They fell in love in this whirlwind romance. He quite literally swept her off her feet. She only thought that type of love only happened in fairytales. They were so happy.”

“What happened then?”

“One day, she was shopping and her old flame was there. She said there was this undeniable attraction and they began an affair. Shortly after, she was pregnant with you. She wanted her family and broke it off but she said he wouldn’t give her up. It turned unhealthy, that was her word for it.” She tried to explain as best she could.

“Luckily your father had to move for work but not before he found this guy in your home screaming at your mother. She confessed everything and told him about the affair. It almost split your family apart but your father took her back and you were born.”

What the fuck?

“She said you were all happy, that was until he popped up again and started stalking your mother. She said she couldn’t resist him no matter how much she knew she shouldn’t. I remember her explaining it, she said he was an addiction that you couldn’t break. No amount of rehab could ever cure her of him. Like he had a hold on her and he knew it. No matter how many times she would say no or try to walk away, they always found their way back to each other.”

“Why didn’t she just stay with him then?”

“I don’t know. The only thing she ever told me was they couldn’t be together. She never went into detail.”

Confusion and questions rattle in my brain. I’m stunned in silence.

She continued, “She did however mention that he did get physical from time to time when she would try to break off their relationship.”

Fear crept up my spine.

“Then your father found out about the affair again. He went ballistic and hit your mother for cheating a second time even after they moved.”

Flashbacks of that day in the closet replay in my mind. I drift off recalling those horrid emotions of terror.

“Chloe, are you okay?”

Whipping my head to face her, I see the worry lines scattered across her forehead and for the first time I want to tell her what I experienced.

“I am, I’ve been better since I was able to speak about that day.”

Her head gave a slight twist.

I continued with the story, “The day the ambulance came to get her.” I took a moment to brace myself to repeat the day that altered the rest of my life. I went into explicit detail not leaving anything out, hoping she could understand my need to keep this close to the chest. Her face contorted as each detail was spilled into the atmosphere. Tears stream down her face, hand cups her mouth.

“Oh Chloe, no wonder you were so closed off. It makes perfect sense why you always accused your father for it. Oh Baby, I’m so sorry you had to witness that.”

Rising from her seat, she rushes to my side to embrace me. I rise to meet her halfway. We embrace in a love fused hug.

Guilt consumes me, “Cassie, I’m so sorry for being such a headache when I was younger.”

“Hush Sapphire, you don’t need to apologize, it’s water under the bridge. I love you, that’s all that matters.”

I embrace her tighter with teary eyes when we hear the doorbell go off. “I’ll go get that,” wiping under her eyes she disappears to the entrance.

I wipe the water from my eyes when Elijah saunters into the kitchen removing earbuds in a workout outfit coming back from a run.

“Chloe, are you okay?” He probes with a nod.

Peering at Cassie, “Yeah I’m good.”

“Okay, wanna go out and play some basketball,” she smirked with a playful glint.

Twisting my head just slightly, “Yeah, I won’t mind beating your ass.

Yeah, okay.

Laughter and giggles filled the air as I strolled to the bedroom to change for our tournament.

~~~~

Cassie had a miscarriage and so did Kayla (Chloe’s mother).

Kayla was cheating on her husband.

Chloe is in a place of total confusion.

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