Envious Desire

Thoughts of this afternoon rampage through every crevice of my turbulent mind. Why the fuck did I allow myself to wander towards her? To permit our fucking lips to connect? Her scent… she was a replication of Chloe. It triggered every disoriented emotion hidden in the depths of my soul. How could I have been so astray to sanction such stupidity to transpire? What the fuck is fucking wrong with me?

Ugh, my mind is a cesspool, a plethora of chaotic conceptualizations. There’s not a logical fucking thought floating in this head of mine. A diversion is necessary from the fuckery that is my hellish existence. Extracting the phone from my pocket, I dial Eric.

Eric: Axe, what's up.

Axle: I need to get the fuck outta here. It's…

Eric: I know... Shelly told me. Come on over, we'll have some drinks.

Axle: I'll be there in 30.

Eric: Aight cool.

Hanging up the phone, sliding it back into my pocket, I peer around the gloomy, desolate kitchen. Nothing but efervescent images of Chloe flicker before my eyes, tearing at my chest. There's not a place in this fucking empty structure that she hasn't left untouched by her alluring presence. It's driving me to the brink of fucking insanity. Storming out the house, the door shuts with a loud bang, vibrating at my force, releasing my pent up frustration.



Arriving at Inferno, the music is blasting, melodic... entrancing even. There’s more bodies than I would have ever expected for a Tuesday evening. Eric appears from the throes of the crowd embracing me,“Come on, we’ll sit in the booth and drink our worries away.”

Unwilling to contest, we stroll, entering the secluded corner booth, hidden enough to remain isolated from the crowd but within view of the entirety of the floor.

Planting on the plush black sofa, Eric pats my back, “Cheer up man, she’ll be home soon enough." His lips curl exposing his toothy grin as if his utterances offer any inclination of comfort.

Soon! Soon isn’t fucking soon enough! It's imperative for her to be beside me… here… now… forever. My life appears meaningless without her companionship. Vexation rises, boiling my blood, slicing my eyes, my nose flares, the pulsating vein in my neck thumps at my accelerated heart rate.

"I'm thoroughly aware she's the first woman you have ever loved but bro... you can’t fall apart," Eric offers more unsolicited ignorant advice.

Irritated with his inability for empathy, "How the fuck would you know? How would you handle it if Shelly disappeared without a fucking trace? Doing everything humanly possible to locate her but nothing delivers your desired results.”

Eric’s face assumes the look of a man pondering his life without the one he loves, his once toothy grin slopes into a thin line acknowledging my anguish. Disturbing my rant, the waitress arrives with a bucket of ice and an unopened bottle of Dalmore 25 YR. It's smooth, it’s pleasant as it flows down your throat, never causing you to wince. The flavors burst in your mouth and the after flavor is savory.

Removing the bottle from the bucket she pours a chilled glass for each of us. Placing the cup in my hand, she winks in a poor attempt to engage in conversation which I am clearly uninterested in.

Veering my eyes towards Eric, he's engaged with his phone, checking for a message of sorts. Exasperated with his ineffectiveness of assisting in shutting out the fuckery of my life, “What's going on bro?” Irritation laces my voice.

"Nothing. Shelly just texted me, I told her I'm here with you. She’s elated we’re here and that you’re not alone."

Acknowledging his response, I throw back the first glass, refilling it immediately. Eric and I finally engage in conversation about everything but her, kicking back one drink after another. I can feel the weight on my chest ease as the alcohol does its intended job.

Feeling a tad liberated, word vomit escapes, "Eric, I did something I shouldn’t have done today."

"Wrong?"

"Yeah."

"What are you talking about bro?"

"I went to Chloe's apartment today."

"Nah, bro... we're not speaking about that right now. We're trying to free your mind of your worry."

"No, listen. I went there, I needed to be near her somehow, in any way possible.” I chug the delicious amber liquid, refilling it at the same pace. “Amanda was there."

"Amanda? She was? What was she doing there?"

"Apparently, the same as me. It's her birthday too. Birthday buddies if I remember Chloe’s words verbatim.” I choked a bit at the sound of her name. “They were supposed to celebrate it together. She was missing her just as I was."

Chugging another glass of alcohol I commence, "We got to talking about her. I was so consumed in my emotions, we hugged. Pulling back from the hug, I nestled in her neck and it triggered my emotions for Chloe. She smelled just like her, I looked into her eyes and the shade of brown reminded me of Chloe and I... kissed her."

His eyebrows reached the high heavens.

"I escaped as quickly as possible when I realized what I had done, leaving her on the sofa." Resting my back on the couch, "I didn't know what to do, so I fled."

"Bro, you're fine."

Rage emanates from my body, "No! I'm not! I kissed her fucking friend on her sofa while she's fucking missing! What type of man does that to the woman he claims to love!" Shaking my head, Eric hands me another drink.

"Axe. You were both hurting. I'm sure she knows it meant nothing. Besides, there are so many worse things that could have happened."

"This feeling of guilt is bad enough.” Throwing back the chilled brown liquid I pour one after another craving to numb the mayhem of my life.

Another bottle arrives, unaware we emptied the previous one. Eric raises a glass, "To the return of Chloe."

I raise my glass in a hazy fog, in desperate desire his words ring true when a woman catches my eye. Her shape… her hair… the glow of her skin in the light. It's Chloe!

Stumbling as I rise, glass in hand, making my way towards her, pushing through the crowd. Losing my way, starbursts fill my eyes while I orient myself to the filled environment. Twisting around she comes into view. As if in slow motion, I stroll, blundering through the sea of people finally reaching her.

Pressing my chest to her back, her head rests on my chest. My eyes scramble to focus, nuzzling my face in her neck, placing both hands on the side of her arms, she backs up. Ugh, "I've missed you."

Attempting to speak, I'm incognizant of her words. Disinterested in conversation, my only concern is filling this massive black hole in my chest. The speaker blares in our ears right beside us as she continues to spew inaudible utterances. Allowing the music to flow through us, I enjoy the feel of her on my skin relishing the recent change in emotion.

Our bodies move in unison, her hands flow up and down my thighs triggering my eyes to shut in the comfort of her touch. Part of me believes this is Chloe, I crave to postulate it’s her… I need it to be her. I’m desperate to have her near me, to feel her, to hug her, to kiss her supple lips.

That little voice in my head screams it's not her, she's not the one I yearn for. I guzzle the remainder of my drink in hopes to dull the noise in my head. I’m aware she will never be the one I love but just for this moment I crave bliss over depression, exuberance over sorrow, optimism over heartbreak… even if only for just a moment. Our bodies sway to the euphonious sounds emanating from the speakers. The abundant amounts of alcohol take its effect as the lights blur, walls weave and my balance is called into question.

Searching for Eric, I take hazy note he's involved in his phone, abruptly rising, disappearing from my sight.

Focusing on the goddess in my arms, I relish the silkiness of her skin. I'm inclined to beieve she was produced to extinguish my pain. Just for tonight's festivities, her sole mission is to assist me in feeling a smidge of normalcy… an intense emotion of... home.

~~~

Axle getting advice from Eric.

Axles need for normalcy.

Eric disappearing.

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