Embers of the Lost

‘Fine’ was a word that often didn’t mean what it was supposed to. As the days went by, Lily insisted she was ‘fine’; when she woke up from nightmares, when she flinched from someone reaching out to her when she wasn’t expecting it, when she scratched at the scars the handcuffs had left on her wrists, when her throat closed up at the memory of shackles there, when she cried herself to sleep at night over the fact she had ended lives.

She was fine.

She had to be fine.

If she wasn’t, what other option did she have? Give up? Hand herself over? Die?

Lily didn’t care for the jests and the banter that occurred whenever the little group stopped for rest or food.

She was quiet. No. She was borderline silent. And once again, any time she was asked if she was ok she said that word: ‘fine’.

It was a lie, of course. Lily was anything but fine. She was scared of the world and herself. She was upset and shamed and angry. She felt like she was numb while her nerves were on fire at the same time. She was alert and conscious of everything around her and yet on the same hand she spaced out and was lost in her own mind.

If it wasn’t for Misha sitting next to her and placing the food in her hands with a little bit of force, Lily may not have eaten either. Hunger was vanishing from her body as quickly as humour was.

And that was the scariest of all the things.

Lily only had the motivation to keep physically moving, but if she got taken out in the process she didn’t think she would mind. She could keep going knowing she was doing it for others, but she was tired, so very exhausted both mentally and emotionally.

“Whoa! This place is gorgeous!” Quinn breathed as they passed the threshold between the Archaic Densewood and the Fae Greenwood. It instantly went from dark and ominous to well-lit wood floors and colours of all kinds blooming in the forms of flowers and fruits. The trees were deep greens that would indicate the height of spring.

How long had Lily been away? She had left in the fall to go to the witches’ world… but so much had happened. It couldn’t have been only a year and a half. Had it been more than two? Was she seventeen now? Nearly eighteen?

Glancing around, the white-haired girl felt a lack of warmth compared to what she knew from her home. Even if it hadn’t been friendly, the sun always warmed her skin. Right now, it wasn’t doing anything. Was that her being numb or was something going on in the woods?

Lily felt even more like a stranger than she ever had done before.

“It’s always gorgeous to look at,” Kiki sighed. Her mood had been simultaneously dropping along with Lily’s. “It’s not full of the best people though.”

“The whole world seems to be like that.” Misha shrugged. “So, the plan is Lily sneaks in to see her parents with me disguised as a little song bird so I can identify any Byrnes if I see them?”

“And we patrol the ground just to make sure you guys get away fine.” Axel agreed.

“If we make it back here. I can’t blend in here.” Lily warned them. “Nothing can create the wings I don’t have.”

If anyone knew that it was her, she had tried everything she could think of.

Axel reached out to ruffle her hair, approaching from the front so she had time to do something other than glare if she wanted to. Lily didn’t. And this time, because she had seen the movement, she didn’t flinch either.

“You got this.” Axel grinned at her like a mischievous older brother.

“Thanks. Look after these.” Handing over the satchel and her scythe, Lily both felt uneasy leaving them, but if anyone was going to keep them away from the wrong hands, it was someone who didn’t have a loyalty to either side.

Heh, even Lily disliked how she had to back up any small amount of trust with logical arguments for it. Blind trust just seemed like too much of a risk these days.

Turning back to Misha, Lily raised her hand and incited “nilamjai svica” to transform her into a beautiful blue jay who would fit in with the many blue jays that became companions in the fairy world. No one would bat an eye. Nodding her beaked-head, Misha tested out the wings by fluttering up to a few branches and then back down onto Lily’s satchel where she peaked tauntingly at the cage inside, causing Lucretia to squeal in annoyance.

“Misha…” Quinn chortled. The blue jay gave him a look that screamed false innocence before flying to perch herself on Lily’s shoulder. Quinn’s ice blue eyes met Lily’s. “Be careful. We’ll protect the documents.”

“Thanks.” Lily whispered to both the men. They were under one of the trees in the outskirts of the kingdom, she had to make it a long way into the centre to be able to find her parents’ house.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t wait until dark?” Kiki asked.

“No,” Lily shook her head. “That’ll be the most obvious time to be defensive when a war is coming up. In the daylight, people will be doing their usual daily routines and working on automatic. Much less likely to notice something.”

“Besides,” she continued. “We spent every exploration of the woods trying to do it with as few people seeing us as possible, so we know the best routes for the day.”

“Good point.”

Lily smiled softly, scratching the cat behind her left ear. “Let’s go.”

Infiltrating the fairy kingdom was the easiest thing she had done so far. Lily knew where the works occurred and she knew where the home districts were. She knew the trees with more foliage that she could use to hide her from sight and she knew which trees were built inside so she could use those to her advantage.

By sundown, she found herself outside of the window of her old bedroom. Placing her hand against the panes, she melted the ice-glass and slid inside before reforming it back into place.

The sound of her parents’ voices filtered through the house, her father making her mother laugh nearly bringing Lily to tears. How long had it been since she heard that?

Should she really be here? She was putting them at risk by coming back to see them. Kiki nudged the back of her leg gently, encouraging her to step out of the bedroom she had grown up with.

“Who’s there?!” the voice of her father’s companion called from the kitchen. The boots Lily wore weren’t as silent as her feet it would seem. “Show yourself!”

Why was Lily scared? Why was she hesitating? Her parents wouldn’t judge her for what she had been doing, would they? Lily let out a shuddering breath and stepped into the kitchen doorway and locked eyes on the sight of her parents more than ready for a fight.

Time stood still.

It was clear the last thing they had ever expected was for their daughter to be in their house.

“Lily?” Isa breathed.

“Hey.” Lily whispered back.

Her parents had never moved as fast as they did crossing the kitchen and throwing their arms around their daughter. They didn’t engulf her like they used to. Lily had grown in height and filled out in body since leaving. But that didn’t stop their arms feeling like the safest place, the only place she could burst into tears and cling to them as if her life depended on it.

Terra brushed Lily’s hair back, pausing as her hand ran over the burned side which was still refusing to grow any hair back.

“Oh sweetie, what’s happened?” She soothed, kissing Lily’s head as Isa took her weight. Lily felt completely weak, her legs didn’t want to hold her up and her breathing was ragged as the tears became more unhinged.

“It’s ok, darling.” Isa whispered to her. “You’re safe.”

Was she though? Her parents couldn’t keep her safe from herself any more than they had been able to protect her from banishment. They didn’t know anything; how could they promise her security?

Shaking her head, she pulled back from their hold and moved to sit herself at the breakfast bench.

“I’m not safe. I doubt I ever will be.” Lily stated, wiping her tears aside.

“Of course, you can be. You can settle down somewhere away from here.” Terra said.

“Mom, you have no idea how much is out there…”

“No, but that must mean there would be a safe place somewhere!” Lily thought of Kita-Utara. It was certainly possible to live under the radar. Or she could go and find out if the ‘mainland’ that Kipar had spoken of was real and find somewhere to call home.

“But this war has to be stopped.”

“What? Why?” Isa asked, reminding Lily that she had never had the chance to explain what she had discovered to them before she had been banished. As she began to explain, it became very obvious she would have been better off bringing her satchel of evidence with her.

The look of disbelief was unmissable from all faces aside from Kiki’s.

“That… sounds incredibly unlikely, Lil.” Isa began.

“It’s real!” She insisted.

Isa and Terra looked to one another before sighing softly. Terra pulled away and headed over to their food cupboard to fetch fresh fruit for Lily to eat.

“You need to get some rest, sweetie.” Isa half instructed as Lily took the fruit and bit into it with a sigh of relief. All the fruit and food she had been able to grow herself over the past moons had never been this sweet.

“Your father’s right.” Terra agreed. “We can talk about this more tomorrow.”

With both of their gentle faces and the safety of the walls she had grown up in, Lily felt the exhaustion of the last year or more crash against her like a tidal wave. Like an adrenaline crash on a colossal scale, she could almost feel her legs want to give out under her at the promise of a safe place to rest.

Just because she was home, didn’t mean she was going to be safe from the nightmares that plagued her. That thought was almost enough to make her refuse the arm that guided her to her old room.

It hadn’t changed in the slightest. Lily could have sworn she had seen Oscar curled at the side of her pillow the moment she opened the door, but a blink later confirmed she was imagining things.

“Lil?” Isa prompted as Lily hesitated in the doorway.

“Feels… wrong. Being here without Oscar.” She whispered. Feeling her father’s arms wrap around her, she leant into his strength and sighed shakily.

“Oscar’s still in your heart, he’s never going to be truly gone.”

Lily closed her eyes at the sentiment. Her parents didn’t know; they couldn’t even imagine how it felt to have a part of yourself die. They couldn’t know how it left a hollow part of you that could never be filled and would always ache like a phantom limb. The ever present feeling that something was wrong and something was missing would haunt her body and mind for the rest of her days. No amount of time or mission was helping it get any easier and she doubted it ever would.

Lily figured there was a lot her parents wouldn’t understand. And, right now, she was too tired to push it. So, she smiled sadly before pulling off her boots and climbing into the bed she had spent so many years using.

A duvet had never felt so cold.

Kiki crawled under the material and curled up against Lily’s stomach. “They’ll listen more in the morning.” She whispered, though her voice betrayed the level of doubt she had in her own words. She would never have believed it before being in the witches world for as long as she had been. Or, would she? If Lily had a child, she liked to think that she would believe them enough to look further into it as well.

Falling into a troubled sleep, Lily found that even the comfort of her childhood home couldn’t keep her from her nightmares. Binds. Chains. Green eyes. Laughter. Powerlessness.

By the time her parents emerged for breakfast, Lily had been sitting at the kitchen counter for hours with Kiki’s forehead resting against her own and her fingers fiddling with the ends of her hair.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Terra asked, softly pressing her lips to Lily’s temple.

“Sleep hasn’t been my friend since I left Mythanissiam.” Lily admitted.

“You need a break.”

“How am I supposed to take a break? I’m not welcome anywhere safe enough to rest.” Lily sighed and shook her head. “Besides, there’s a war that’s imminent that could be stopped if the Byrnes weren’t here fuelling the fires.”

“One family can’t be the cause for this much divide between races.” Isa countered.

“They started it, and they make sure it continues.” Lily grumbled. “They leave no room for anyone to think about a peace between everyone.”

“Witches have been killing us for our wings for centuries, Lily.” Terra said in exasperation. “No single family could convince a whole race they needed our wings.”

“They don’t use our wings!” Lily rolled her eyes. “‘Fae wings’ are wings from creatures called Karai.”

“Well of course they’d tell you that.”

“I saw them!” Lily raised her voice. “I was thought to be a witch and I saw the ingredients known as Fae Wings. They were not from a fairy!”

“Lily…”

“Why is it so hard to believe me?!” Lily felt annoyance, frustration and pain build up within her. “Why would I lie about anything?”

“Are you sure you aren’t just reading into it? Maybe being a little sensitive because of Finnigan?” Terra suggested gently.

Lily looked at her incredulously. “I’ve based most of this conclusion against many things other than Finnigan Byrne.” Lily said. “And if I’m sensitive about him it’s because not only did he lie to me for ages, but he tied me down, took my magic from me, left me to die, attempted to kill me twice and actually killed Oscar!”

Lily raised a hand to silence her parents before they could speak again, her frustration morphing into the hopeless anger she was beginning to know intimately. “This isn’t about him, anyway! This is about how many people die pointlessly.”

“Even if it’s true, this isn’t your fight.” Isa sighed.

“Then whose fight is it?” Lily demanded.

“Lil, you’re just a kid.” Terra attempted to reach out to her daughter, only to be shaken off.

“I’ve been through more than you could ever imagine.” Lily snarled.

“Don’t talk to your mother that way.” Isa snapped. “Our races have been at war since forever, there’s no chance of stopping something that big and you are being stupid if you think you could.”

What was going on? She’d come here for support and somehow, she was becoming the scolded child. Why were her own parents taking the same stance as the Dregana? How could they be so closed to the idea of change?

“Life is good here Lily. Why would you ever want to change it?” Terra interjected. “The witches are foul. How can you possibly be on their side after what they’ve done to you?”

“Because it wasn’t witches in general!”

“You said they were all on alert and hunting you.”

“Yes, because they think fairies are evil.”

“Of course, they would spin it like that!” Isa raised his voice for the first time that Lily could remember. “They are manipulating you.”

“We are all being manipulated!” Lily snapped.

“Enough!” Terra yelled. “Lily. You do not understand. I may not have lived through a war yet, but I heard all the stories from your grandparents. Witches are savages.”

“They are just like us!”

“Stop Lily! You have been deluded!” Terra snapped, silencing the teenager in surprise.

“No.” Lily spoke quietly but steadily. “I’m the only one seeing clearly.”

“Just because you are different, doesn’t mean the whole world is wrong!” Lily recoiled at the words from her mother. “I’m sorry you were born wrong, but you can’t just demand the world to change to suit you.”

“Born wrong?” Lily repeated with a broken heart. “Is that what you guys really think?”

“No, we love you.” Isa placed his hand on his wife’s shoulder to keep her calm. “We just wanted so much more for you.”

“I’ve done everything I can…”

“You should be happy, settling down and having a family. But without wings no one was going to have you as a wife in case their kids were wingless too.” Terra teared up as though this was something that hurt her more than the white-haired girl in front of her.

“I’ve never even thought about kids.”

“If we’d done better, or raised you differently, you might have done. And you wouldn’t have had to go through all this and suffer so badly.”

Lily scowled even with the tears in her eyes. “And I might have been completely miserable and died in a pointless war.”

She’d honestly heard enough. Coming here was a mistake. It was unearthing things even her mind hadn’t whispered to her. Even in the eyes of her parents, she wasn’t actually good enough. They didn’t believe in her words. No. They didn’t believe in her.

“Where are you going?” Isa grabbed her arm to stop her as Lily turned away.

Lily ripped her arm free and refused to look back at them.

“To prove you wrong.”

With that, she exited the front door and dropped down on a vine until she reached the woodland ground floor and threw up shadows to hide her from sight.

The fluttering of small wings indicated Kiki and Misha’s presence even before they located her in the dark Lily kept steady to prevent her parents following her or other fairies spotting her. Misha had been flitting around the neighbourhood checking in on windows in case she could spot a Byrne; she must have seen Lily burst out of the front door which certainly had not been the plan.

Changing her back to her human form, Lily spoke to Misha. “Did you find anyone?”

“Lily, we don’t…”

“Did you find anyone?” Lily spoke sternly over Kiki. She wasn’t doing this now. She wasn’t going to share her pain with Misha who could still possibly be here to trick and use her.

“Bianca and Silas.” Misha confirmed. “They live a few branches over from you apparently. I think Silas is Bianca’s father?”

“We’ll start there.”

“What are you going to do?” Misha asked, almost wary of the distant tone in Lily’s voice.

“Have them join Lucretia for now, you can fly them back to the guys and put them in the cage.”

“You know, I could help get rid of them?” Misha offered.

“No.” Lily snapped. “I don’t want anyone else to die.” She couldn’t… she wouldn’t let it happen. “I will work something out eventually.”

Misha gave her a look filled with scepticism but shrugged in submission. “Your choice. Am I being a blue jay? Or can I have my wand to back you up?”

Back-up sounded good. But… to be inside the walls of a Byrne home with three Byrnes seemed too big a risk, even if one of them wanted her to believe she was an ally. The smile of Finnigan flashed through her mind from all those times he had held his hand out to her in support. He had lied for so long. There was a good chance that Misha was cut from the same cloth.

“Sorry.” Lily whispered as she sent the transmutation spell at Misha once more. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let herself trust the woman. And Lily hated herself for it.

Waiting for nightfall, Lily decided to push forward. She made her way back up into the tree. Following Misha to the branch in question, Lily repeated her actions to get inside, removing the window but this time keeping the water floating around her wrists ready to freeze as shields if need be.

She motioned for Kiki to stay back, knowing she was more likely to get hurt than do damage. Plus, Lily would not survive if she lost the little feline as well.

“Bianca! Hurry up!” A male voice called through the house. “You know your grandad doesn’t like to be kept waiting!”

“Grandpa Cy needs to chill!” A younger female voice replied as footsteps approached the room.

“We’re supposed to be initiating Jared, we don’t have time for faffing about!”

Lily cast a look at Kiki. She’d been right… Jared was a Byrne. And if they followed these two, they would find Cyrus. Slipping back out of the window and replacing the ice panes before the door opened, Lily flattened her against the outside of the branch, her fingers digging into the bark so she didn’t lose grip.

“You can’t be serious!” Kiki hissed.

“How else are we going to find Cyrus?!” Lily demanded back in the quietest voice she could muster.

“But there will be too many Byrnes to deal with!”

“We don’t have a choice!” The fairy and feline stared each other down until Kiki clicked her tongue in annoyance and backed down.

“You’re being reckless.” Kiki hissed to deaf ears. Lily didn’t care. This was likely the only chance she had to have someone physically lead her to one of the origins of this huge lie. She glanced at Kiki before nodding her head towards the front of the house where the door was closed behind the exiting fairies.

Following people was considerably more difficult than just hiding from everyone. You had to keep the target in sight while staying out of their attention. When you couldn’t fly straight like them, it meant a lot of hopping from branch to branch with vines holding onto your wrists and ice forming in the air to be used as steps.

They clearly didn’t expect anyone to be onto them. Not once did either fairy look around to check if they were being followed. But then, who would follow them? They were a father and daughter out for a night time fly, it wasn’t strange. They flew lower than most fairies would go though, following the main trunk until they were almost at the magic barrier. Only then did they stop, Silas placing his hand against the bark and forcing an opening to grow.

Of course.

It seemed obvious that Cyrus would be hidden away right in the centre of the kingdom where it wouldn’t be odd for people to visit.

Landing in the opening behind the two, Lily raised her hands to grab one shoulder from each. “Tikusoma Svica”. They barely had time to turn around before both were on the ground squeaking in anger and confusion. “Take them back to Axel and Quinn.” Lily looked at Kiki, clearly giving this task to her.

“I’m not going to leave you.”

“Exactly. I can’t lose you.” Lily swallowed the stone growing in her throat at the thought. “I need to know you are ok, Ki. Please.”

Kiki clicked her tongue again but sighed and dove down to catch the two mice scrambling down the hallway. With one in her front paws and the other held in her mouth, Kiki left through the opening and disappeared into the twilight darkness.

Perhaps she should have sent Misha with the feline, but it seemed better to keep an eye on all Byrnes that weren’t caged as mice. Motioning for the blue jay to follow, Lily stepped cautiously through the hallway, no, it was more like a tunnel. There were no doorways or turnings, just one long tunnel on a slight upward slope to the other side of the tree.