Elegi Of Rose

Ayu lay on her bed wide awake and thoughtful. She tried to think about everything that happened that day and she already felt tired. Everything took place so fast. Except the usual gloomy morning and the occasional drinking, everything else was crazy: the sudden appearance of Roy Punda, the shock of her unknown marriage, the talk with her father, the dinner, Yeyena's unbelievable behavior, the ring, and that phone call from Herland.

Thinking about her friend brought back so many memories. Most of them were happy ones, but thinking of those happy moments spent with Herland also meant remembering Roni. And remembering Roni was just like opening Pandora's Box- everything bad rushed out and swirled around her and all that was left was that little tinge of hope that barely kept her in place.

She played with the ring around her finger and thought of Roy Punda. In her twenty-three years of existence, she had never met someone with so much arrogance and temper as her future husband. He was very different from Roni, thank God for that. She couldn't imagine marrying someone that would remind her so much of the man who still haunted her dreams-awake or not. Yes, the years have healed most of the pain, but not the scars. They would always be there to remind her of the possible anguish she would feel if she ever gave her whole heart to someone else again.

And meeting Roy Punda assured her she wouldn't be as careless like before. She couldn't possibly give him anything since the man already had everything. And why would I? This was just a marriage for his convenience and paying my father's debt on my part. No need to give anything else-especially my heart, she thought.

But he's gorgeous and hot... yes, of course he was and she was not denying that at all. She was not naà ̄ve not to detect the physical attraction they felt towards one another. She restlessly turned to one side and closed her eyes to let sleep come slowly. I just hope we won't act on this so-called attraction, she prayed before finally putting her mind to rest.

*****

She woke up by the sound of angry knocking on her front door and the impatient buzzing of her doorbell. Groaning, she looked at her clock: 10:30 am. The time was slow to register through her sleepy head and when they finally did, she shot out of bed and stumbled through the floor.

"Shit!" she ran down the corridor and to the door. She didn't have to check who was outside because she almost felt the strong angry presence behind the door before she swung it open.

"Don't tell me you're going out dressed like that," Roy's livid eyes looked down at her.

Following his gaze, she stared down at her super thin night gown and gasped. She crossed her arms over her chest, cowering a little. "I'm sorry, I think I've overslept."

He arched one eyebrow at her, "And what were you doing last night? I dropped you off early, didn't I?"

She breathed deeply and almost regretted it because his manly scent suddenly overwhelmed her senses. To stop herself from closing her eyes and revel at the scent of his aftershave, she stepped back and said, "Come inside. I'll just go get ready."

"Make it fast," he ordered as he stepped into the doorway, his full height looming over her. Today, he was dressed casually in a simple white shirt and dark pants.

"Yes, yes, I will. Sit over there," she pointed at the only chair available. Everything else was occupied by canvases and some other things.

"Good thing you still keep something available for sitting," he said sarcastically.

"I don't care what you think," she started to walk back to her room, "and don't touch anything!" she shouted before running down the corridor and to her closet. She grabbed the first shirt her hand touched and dressed. She wore the shorts she used the other day and took the pair brown ankle boots lying at the foot of her bed. The big brown bag at the back of her door was the only thing she could think of to match her bizarre outfit so she took it, threw the clutch bag she used last night inside, and grabbed her phone and keys. Taking one last look in the mirror, she decided to hold her blond hair up in a messy bun. She didn't really wear make-up so she was all good.

"Let's go," she uttered, walking back into the living room. Roy chose not to sit on the chair after all. He was looking around at her works of art with admiration-well, that was before he looked at her. "Where do you think you're going dressed like that?" he demanded, his brows furrowed with disapproval.

"What's wrong with it?" she asked defensively.

She saw his teeth clench for a second before he said, "Don't bother, let's go." He walked to the door and opened it.

She shrugged and followed him out and locked her door, pretending she was twisting his neck as she turned her key.

This time, he did not bother to open any door for her when they reached his car. He went straight to the driver's side and got in.

"You're such a gentleman, sweetheart," she cried out at him, opening the backseat. Bending down to climb in, her mouth dropped. "What's this?" she demanded, looking at the boxes. "It's the boxes full of crap, and they are staying there," he said behind the wheel.

"And?"

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"And they're there to keep you from sitting back there. Get here," he patted the passenger seat with his right hand.

"No," she shook her head vigorously. "Not gonna happen."

"You better get rid of that phobia once and for all," he said seriously.

"Please... I can't..." Ayu's throat tightened. She hated begging, but she really wanted the backseat badly.

"No," he uttered the word like it was the final thing she'd ever get.

"I hate you already," she slammed the backseat door and with shaky feet walked to open the passenger side. Climbing in, she felt a sudden tightening in her gut. Ayu took a deep breath, leaned against the leather seat and closed the door, too weak to slam it anymore. Blindly, she reached for the seatbelt and tried her might to fasten it. Roy's warm hands held hers and helped her with the task. She did not dare look at him because she was afraid she might attack him-she was not strong at the moment for that.

"Holy shit, you're not really joking about it?" he asked as he looked at her closely.

"Just drive," she said breathlessly. She would have succeeded if she begged him one more time about sitting at the back, but she was too stubborn to do that.

He did as she told and started the engine. The moment the wheels rolled down the road, her heart hammered ten times as fast and she gripped at her bag, her knuckles turning white.

"Are you okay?" she saw him look at her with concern.

"Shut up," she snapped, too afraid to speak. She closed her eyes and imagined herself sitting at the back instead and the panic rising inside her ebbed a little. "I really hate you for this," she said again, her voice regaining a little bit of strength. "You need to get over your fears, Ayu," he said almost gently.

She snapped her eyes open. Who was he to tell her what she should do with her fears? He did not know anything about her fears. He had no idea that it was not the fear... it was the memories...

She mentally shook her head and snapped at him, "I didn't ask to be your wife. And I sure as hell didn't ask you to be my shrink!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to help you here," he countered back defensively.

"No, you were just thinking what others might think if they see your Cantik climb out the backseat!"

He was silent for a long time. "Yes, you're right," he finally said with honesty. "I don't want you sitting back there for that very reason."

She closed her eyes again when the rising panic and images began to flash through her mind. The tears were threatening to escape now and she fought them hard.

You're at the park... she tried to imagine, not so difficult for her artistic mind. Flowers everywhere... you're alone... yes, there's a dog and you're strolling with it... more flowers...

The tightening in her gut began to subside a little.

"Just close your eyes..." Roy tried again.

"Shut up and drive. Don't pretend you actually care and my eyes are already closed!" she snapped.

They drove in silence once again.