Eclipse Child

it's a curse that we always feel broken

by the people that make us

feel whole.

a.j. lawless

The days don’t pass in a blur for me.

It’s clear. I see everything around me as if a certain fog has been lifted from my vision. Things that I once ignored could no longer be blocked from my mind.

The voices of the pack, those who doubted and whispered their mistrust, climbed into my hearing.

Everything was clear. Maybe for the first time.

For the first time, I stopped putting the visors upon my eyes- the objects that I thought would bring me down. Everything was clear.

“When will my mate be back from his assignment?”

The room was filled, various pack members cramming inside. Each week a report of the pack was given. Last week’s meeting was canceled due to my confinement to the clinic.

Despite Henry’s urges, I did not cancel the meeting for this week.

Looking at the anxious, angry and fearful faces- I wish I had.

The she-wolf who had spoken up gazes at me in worry, her question still lingering in the air.

“The duration is still yet undetermined.”

Angry growls can be heard around the room.

Henry shuffles nervously beside me, the only indicator of his unease.

Orion stands on my other side, completely still.

Throughout the whole meeting, he has not moved.

This was normal though. The pack was not used to hearing anything from him. I could not recall, in the few meetings Orion had attended, any time he had actually spoken.

“Are there any more concerns that need to be raised?”

I just want this to be over. I want this meeting to be over.

Another she-wolf stands.

I recognize who she is.

It’s Valery.

Shit.

“I have a concern.”

I feel Henry’s shoulders tense in response to mine. For the first time since the meeting started, Orion moves. His shoulders shift to position towards Valery. I fight the urge to look at him but give in. His grey eyes show a spark of something. Something I missed. That childish smile that had been hiding behind layers of sorrow was starting to surface.

“Why is our Alpha stopping our Luna from seeing the children at the nursery?”

The surface of the smile vanishes.

Orion’s gaze turns to me, and in it I see understanding.

Such heartbreaking understanding.

Henry turns to me. He doesn’t know what she is talking about, but her question raises another round of angry growls within the meeting. Wolfs who want the same answers.

I feel my mouth go dry.

All the eyes are staring at me.

My gaze falls to the front row.

Dad is leaned forward in his chair, his hands folded in front of him.

He nods.

And in the movement, I know what he is telling me.

“There are many duties that the Luna must complete. These duties do not allow for any extra time.”

“What duties!”

“I see him in the woods running- you’re lying!”

It hits me then.

Anger.

Red, hot, burning anger fills me.

Who were these people to sit here and accuse me?

Didn’t they understand who much I sacrificed for them?

How much I….

All noise ceases as I growl into the room, stopping any movement. It’s been a while since I’ve fought against my fur. Awhile since I had to fight to maintain my skin.

I feel pain in my mouth, pain in my hands- my skin morphing and shifting but fighting to stay the same.

“Silence.”

They do as told.

I stalk forward. Henry’s hand briefly touches my shoulder- but he doesn’t stop me.

My steps take me closer to the group.

Some are cowering. Some are trembling.

Why? Why are they scared? I’m doing so much for them. I’m sacrificing so much for them.

I stared at their photos for years. Each of them I knew by name. Each of them, I knew their story. Each of them I took the time to learn of. To watch over.

But they never gave me the same time.

They never took the same time to learn my own story.

I turn to look at Orion.

He shakes his head.

I knew what he was telling me.

Please no.

Valery is sitting. Her legs have given out, unable to stand against the power of my words.

“Are there any more concerns that need to be raised?”

No one answers.

“The meetings over.”

Slowly they shuffle out, whispers still being heard.

Everything is clear.

I can see their faces.

They always had feared me.

A person who would do anything to secure power.

I can’t breathe. The red is slowly going away from my vision.

But it was clear. It had been clear since-

I hear Orion’s footsteps behind me as I make my way to the office.

We don’t say a word as together we enter. Orion closes the door behind me as I sit down. My hands go up, folding to carry my head. It’s the same position dad was in just a few minutes ago.

“Was that what you wanted?”

Orion stares out the window.

I anxiously search his face, but there’s nothing there.

“Orion?”

“No.”

My breath hitches.

He slowly turns to me. He’s burning.

I want to look away but can’t.

He’s burning.

There is nothing readable in his face but those eyes- those grey eyes are burning. Like a man locked in a room that had been engulfed in flames.

“Did you…do you want to go back to the nursery…?”

“No.”

We continue to stare at each other.

“Orion…tell me what…”

“What.”

I jerk back at the hostility in the one word.

He doesn’t move away from the window. Instead, his body grows stiller, voice softer.

And that’s when I realize this is it.

This is the moment that Orion breaks.

“How do you do it?” His words are pleaded. Begged. He is asking me how. How.

But-, “do what?”

“Act like none of it matters.”

“Orion…”

“How are you able to be so…so…” He runs his hand through his hair but stops. It’s a tangled mess. He hasn’t brushed it. Judging by the look, he hasn’t brushed it in a while.

“Cold.”

“Cold…” I whisper the word back at him.

His whole body is shuddering. I know he is fighting back shifting. Fighting back his wolf. But to my surprise, he fights back his shift. For once he chooses skin over fur.

“Don’t you feel the…” his hand goes to his chest, curling there as if he could reach in and grab his own heart.

Pain. Loss. Suffering. Overwhelming sorrow.

Guilt.

“I do.”

He stops his next words, staring down at me.

“Show it.”

“I…”

Orion should know better. But in this moment, he doesn’t. He only wants confirmation for his feelings.

“I can’t. The pack-,”

His façade breaks. Angry steps advance on me as he comes closer. An old feeling comes over me as his hands lash out to either side of the chair, caging me in.

Dominance washes over him, the smell overpowering me.

His eyes flash gold- the color beautiful against grey. His nostrils flare, taking in the small scent of desire I had let escape.

Disgust washes over him as he pushes back.

“Damn it Soraya…How can you…”

“Tell me what to do Orion.”

He stops, staring down at me. His eyes search me. I shrink against his gaze, taking in the foreign hardness that has come over them.

“Truth for a lie.”

A sob threatens to leave me. I feel it racking my body as the sorrow collects in my chest. How much pain could a single person hold?

Truth for a lie.

“I had a choice. I could have given it up, but I…I chose…I chose the title.”

Orion nods. He can’t stop the single tear from leaving his face.

“I understand.”

I wait for his lie, but then it hits me that it’s already been told.

“Soraya.”

I look up. I don’t want to look up, but the way his voice breaks- it shatters my heart.

“Soraya, I love you so much that it hurts.”

My mind trips over those first few words. I feel my eyes widening. It was the first time we had ever said our feelings in such an open way.

“I lo-,”

“It hurts.”

My words stop at his own. He is back to clinging to his chest.

My mind shatters and tumbles with him as he falls to his knees.

I never wanted to get used to the sound of Orion’s sorrow. I never wanted my ears to know the sound. But they did.

“It hurts.”

Orion reminds me of a child in many ways. The way he laughed. The way he played and sometimes acted. How he slept, how he talked.

Orion reminds me of a child.

Especially now, as he looks up at me with wide grey eyes- eyes that are begging for me to make that pain go away.

Like a child.

A lost child who did not know what to do in the world. Whose innocent gaze had been exposed to the tortures of darkness. This was not how it was supposed to be. Such a burden should not rest on children’s shoulders.

Not them. Not his.

I hear dad’s words coming back to me.

You have to make a choice, Soraya.

A choice.

Ah.

I knew now what he was saying after all those years.

I knew now what he meant that day in the room, as fire licked my back and spread along my skin. As he whispered his own pain in saying, you fight, and you fight, but little do you know, the weight of the world only gets heavier.

“I know.”

Orion raises his head in hope.

I reach towards him, feeling the roughness of his beard. It needed a trim.

“Go.”

His eyes go blank as he processes my words.

“Go?”

“Leave.”

“Soraya.”

I fall to the floor with him, both of us on our knees now.

My arms wrap around him. He doesn’t hesitate. His arms wrap around me, a safety I didn’t know I needed. I inhale, burying myself in his scent of the woods- the wild.

I don’t know how long we stay like that. Hours. Minutes.

He pulls back, rough lips kissing my forehead.

And then he stands and walks out of the office.

Leaving me alone and empty.

Everything is clear.

Everything is clear to me.

But Goddess.

I wish I could go back to being blind.