SWNOVELS Chapter CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
A DEAD BLACK BEAR was propped up against a fir tree, its lifeless eyes staring straight ahead. The eyes were small, round, and widely spaced. Just recently killed, it continued to look as good as a dead bear could look. Keith was happy to be in the company of the bear. He affectionately pinched the bear’s cheeks. The sick vampire brought it a large rainbow trout and put it in its mouth, then took the bear’s paw and scratched the back of his head where it was itchy. He got satisfaction from hugging the bear, but unfortunately, it didn’t reciprocate.
“Looks like it’s going to be another beautiful day,” he said to the bear.
“Looks like,” said the bear. “I’m craving dandelions right now.”
Keith blinked several times as he looked into the animal’s dark eyes. “Don’t think dandelions would taste exquisite.”
The vampire looked puzzled. The tree that was ten feet to his left winked at him. His mind attempted to make sense of his surroundings. “Maybe I’ll go hunting for some honey for you later. Would you like that? I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Honey makes me fart,” said the bear. “I’d rather have a bottle of whiskey.”
Keith stared at the bear. His mind went round and round. “Really? What kind would you like?”
The fish fell from the bear’s mouth onto the ground. “Canadian club would be okay. Say, Keith, does my ass look fat to you?”
“Looks hairy. It looks to be about the right size for a bear. Hey, no matter what, you always have a bear ass.”
The bear nodded and seemed happy enough with the conversation. “How many bears does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
“How many?”
“I don’t know. I was asking you.”
“Oh, I thought it was a joke.”
“Keith, bears, don’t joke. You should know that.”
Keith sat himself down like a kid in the forest. “You’re my friend? Right?”
“Actually, I’m not.”
“Why not?”
“Because you killed me, you jackass.”
Keith’s crazy brain was trying to communicate with him the best way it knew, but it was now quite aberrant. It may as well have been a squirrel on a wheel trying to power a car. When a vampire went insane, it wasn’t the same as when a human did. While incredibly complicated for most people, the brain was even more so for vampires. Bits of magic were colliding into one another in there. Hallucinations were just the beginning. Not much was known about insane vampires, and no one was interested in doing that study.
“Dead bears can’t talk.”
“Now, you just think about that statement,” said the Bear.
Keith’s thoughts danced around like live grasshoppers cooking in a frying pan. “You’re not my friend? Because you know I really need a friend. Everyone needs a friend. Even vampires need reliable friends. Some people pretend to be your friend but then stab you in the forehead.”
“Since I’m dead, I will stop talking now.”
Keith blinked several times. “Did you see the Yankees game yesterday?”
“I’d eat the Yankees if I could. I’m dead, so I’m going to stop talking now.”
“Don’t make me punch you in your head again.”
“I can’t hear you.” The bear made an unpleasant face and then started to sing. The song was country in style and rhythm. “The snakes crawl at night because they can’t walk when the sun goes down; it gets kinda dark!”
“If you’re not talking to me, I’m not talking to you. I’m going to take a nap. Stupid bear.” Keith curled up into a fetal position and went to sleep.