SWNOVELS Downpour: Chapter 28
My stomach felt like an anvil as I walked from Claire’s house back to Ray’s.
I couldn’t sleep after the break-in. I was scared and shaken. What if the person returned?
But Ray had banished me to his room.
When dawn broke, I slipped out and went up to his mom’s house. I clung to threads of hope that her open-ended invitation to bake together was genuine. I wanted to be anywhere but Ray’s house. And as much as I wanted to be near him, I needed space.
The anger that flashed in his eyes during the break-in haunted me. I understood being scared. I was scared. But he wasn’t angry at the burglar. He was furious with me.
Claire met me at the door, as if she was already expecting me. She didn’t pester or prod, just led me to the kitchen and handed me an apron.
When making a batch of banana bread didn’t fix anything, we moved on to cookies. Then brownies. And pie.
Claire swore up and down that baking that much was a regular occurrence for her, although I didn’t quite believe she had planned it for today. Still, we pulled out giant Tupperware containers from her cabinets, sliced and boxed assortments of desserts, and made front porch deliveries.
While Claire took a boatload to the ranch hands’ bunkhouse, I stopped at Becks and Nate’s and Christian and Cassandra’s houses. Surprisingly, no one was home.
The long walk back down the dirt path gave me time to clear my head and settle my nerves.
When I passed the ranch office, I froze.
Ray’s golf cart was parked outside, and I could hear a cluster of voices talking over one another.
I clutched the plastic container like a life preserver and peeked through the crack.
Laughter bubbled up at something someone had said, then Ray’s voice cut in. “I just have to find her a job, then find her so I can fire her.”
I went numb.
Just when I thought we were figuring things out… Just when I thought Ray was working on himself so we could be together…
I was so stupid.
Tears burned like acid rain as I turned and ran back to Ray’s house. I wanted to pack and be gone by the time he came back. But the moment I stepped inside, I couldn’t handle it.
Everything smelled like him. It looked like us. Our lives were blended so seamlessly within these four walls.
I dropped the container on the kitchen counter and ran out the sliding door to the backyard.
The grass was soft on my toes as I slid my feet out of my flip-flops and sank them into the neatly clipped blades. The distant din of ranch life carried on the breeze.
I would miss it here. It had been a long time since I felt something like home. Like belonging. Like safety.
Even in the terror of a burglary, I knew there would be people to keep me safe. To watch out for us. I loved Ray with my whole body—so much that it hurt. But it wasn’t just him. It was the whole Griffith family that I loved.
I wanted to be a part of it.
The rhythmic thumps of a wheelchair rolling down the ramp startled me, but I didn’t flinch. Why would the condemned jump at the sound of the executioner? They knew what was coming.
I stared at the glassy pond and refused to turn around to look at him.
The soft swish of his wheelchair rolling through the grass grew closer. “Hey.”
I found a pebble and pitched it at the surface, skipping it twice before it sank.
“Okay,” Ray said as he locked his chair and eased out to sit behind me. “I deserve the silent treatment.”
I flinched when he sat behind me because apparently, the damned do jump. Tears rolled down my face, and I didn’t care enough about my pride to wipe them away.
Ray sat me between his legs. I could feel the heat radiating from his chest. Usually, I would have immediately curled into him, but not this time.
I was tired of being played the fool.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he rested his chin on top of my head.
“Just get it over with already,” I rasped as I snapped a blade of grass out of the ground. “I’ll get my stuff and be gone by the end of the day.”
Ray stiffened. “What are you—” His arms tightened around me. “You heard me say I was going to fire you.”
The corner of my mouth trembled. “Just let me go,” I whispered.
Ray’s inhale was slow and steady. Why was he so calm while I was borderline hysterical? It was infuriating.
“I don’t need your help,” he said.
I let out a caustic laugh at the sky. “Yes. You’ve made that perfectly clear.”
“I need you.” Ray pressed his mouth to the back of my head. “I want you.”
“Then why do I have to go?” I choked out. “You know how much I need this job.”
It was only half true, though. I needed a job, but I could have found something. I just didn’t want to leave him.
“Baby, I don’t want you going anywhere. That’s why I don’t want you working for me. I want you to be here because you want to be. I don’t want to keep you trapped. Cass is going to help us find something for you that you love.” He gently cupped my cheek and forced me to look at him. “I’ll get to the rest of my apology in a minute. But you’re going stir-crazy. I want more for you than occasionally giving me a hand and getting my groceries.”
“I like helping you.”
“I know you do.” He pressed a kiss to my temple. “And I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be loved the way you love me.”
I hunched forward and hugged my knees. “What are we doing, Ray? This is… this is never going to work.”
“You’re right.”
Wait. He wasn’t supposed to agree with me.
He gently rubbed my back. “It’s not going to work if I don’t get my shit together. So, I’m working on it. Because I want this to work. It’s not going to work if you’re my employee. I want a partner. Someone who’s here willingly. So, I’m working on that too. And as you may have guessed, I just had my ass chewed out by my family because they like you better than me and want you to stick around.” His thumb grazed my cheek. “And, you know what? I like you better than me too.”
My eyes dropped to the ground. “You’ve made all of those promises before.”
“I know, baby. I know I let you down. I know I hurt you. I know I have to let go of what I thought my life was gonna look like whenever I got around to hanging up my chaps for good. I’ve got to work on that, and I think it’s going to be harder than physical therapy.”
He said everything I wanted, but did it make me a pushover if I accepted it? Could I believe him after he had said it all before? Was I just a naïve girl getting back in line to have her heart broken again?
“I want to believe you,” I said.
“That’s good enough for me. Because I want you. So, if that’s where you’re at, then I know where I stand with you and where I need to put in the work.” Ray cupped my cheeks, his eyes soft and kind. “I’m a proud man, Brooke. I don’t like asking for help, so I’m only going to ask for one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“One more chance to love you right.” He reached into the pocket of his gym shorts and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I, um… I went to therapy again this morning. Christian called in a favor after what happened last night and got me in before the office opened. When I got home, you were gone, so I sat and tried to figure out how to apologize while I waited for you to come back.”
“I went to your mom’s house,” I muttered.
He slid the paper into my hand. “I’ve given you too many empty words before. So, this time, I… I wrote them down. I know my handwriting sucks. It looks like a kindergartener wrote it out. But I’m trying, Brooke. I swear to you. I just…” His voice broke as he tightened his arms around me. “I just needed you to know that I’m gonna put in the work because I love you.”
Carefully, I unfolded the note. The letters were large and misshapen. Eraser marks were evident on the page where he had tried and tried again to get it right. Some words had been scratched out and changed. The effort and intention he had put into every word was overwhelming.
If I had to choose between you and the sun, it’s you.
In every lifetime, you are the most brilliant thing in existence.
Your love is blinding and sustaining. I crave your warmth.
The incandescence of you is what gives me light when my nature is to seek darkness.
In every form that you exist, you are my sun. And I’ll be your moon.
I’ll be the light that drives the nightmares away. The glow that soothes. And the calm you seek refuge in.
Because you can burn eternally without me.
But not me without you.
A tear splashed onto the page. I quickly folded it to keep his words from washing away. I turned in his arms. “Ray…”
He pulled me against his chest and cradled the back of my head. “I know it’s not much—”
“It’s everything,” I whispered into his neck. “Because it’s you.”
“You told me that good and bad exist in tandem. That sunshine and sorrow are two sides of the same coin. And I believe it. I don’t care if the clouds ever go away, because you’re the silver lining inside them.”
My lip quivered, and I bit down on it. But the trembling never stopped.
“I love you, Brooke,” he said as he cupped my jaw and guided me to his lips.
The kiss was warm and laced with the salt of tears. But so was life.
“I love you too.”
“You wanna know something?”
“Hm?”
“The day we met, I remember getting out of Christian’s truck and seeing you for the first time. It was the middle of the day, and the sun was high. It looked like you were glowing.” He dragged his thumb across my cheek to wipe the tears away. “And that was the first day I remember feeling how warm the sun was. How good it felt. You eclipsed my darkness that day. And you’ve done it every day since.”
I tucked into his chest as the exhaustion from the last twenty-four hours washed over me.
“One more thing,” he said.
I opened my eyes and watched as he reached into the cupholder on his chair and pulled out a plant with a small red bloom.
“What’s that?”
Ray chuckled and set the small pot in my lap. “Your plant. The one that only blooms when you meet the love of your life.”
I blinked. “But… I dropped it. And it was mostly dead anyway.”
“But it wasn’t all dead. I found a cutting on the pavement and—for some reason—took it inside and put it in a glass with some water in my room.” He skimmed his fingers up and down my arm. “And each day the roots got a little longer. I found a pot and put it in some dirt and kept watering it.”
I fingered the soft red petals.
Ray’s cheek pressed against my temple. “And the day we got back from our night away, it bloomed.” His lips found mine again. “I don’t believe plants lie. They just seek the sun and keep growing. And so will I.”
“I have to find another job,” I whispered against his lips.
Ray grinned. “So do I.”
That surprised me. I knew Ray was well-off, but he had always shrugged off any thoughts of what was next.
“What are you thinking?”
His nose bumped against mine. “Life’s a bull. Sometimes you can hang on. Sometimes it throws you off. Sometimes you get completely fucked. You gotta get up, dust yourself off, and keep riding.”