Don't Tell Ellie

Growing up I was lucky enough to have a sister who was my best friend. We could and would do absolutely everything together. On weekends we’d build pillow forts in our shared bedroom and talk about what we were going to be when we grew up. For Marlow, it was always a famous artist. But, I wanted to follow in my father’s footsteps and become a doctor. I was a typical daddy’s girl, and I always knew if I had a son, I would name him, Michael.

“Ahem,” Benjamin is attempting to draw the attention to himself, but I can’t stop gawking at this tiny boy wrapped around me. “Michael, come here please,” Benjamin says sternly, but the boy doesn’t seem to notice that Benjamin has said a thing.

“I miss you.” Michael whispers and I notice he’s crying. “Daddy said I could come and see you this time but—”

“Michael!” Benjamin shouts and he’s marching toward us and then he’s prying Michael away from me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper defeatedly as Benjamin carries Michael back through the open doorway shrieking and thrashing.

My hands are shaking and I wrap my arms around myself to stop the buzzing feeling of electricity coursing through my body. The cries coming from that poor kid remind me of the pain I felt when I found out my family was gone. When you’re that small it’s not easy to wrap your head around the fact that you will never see someone again who you love more than you love yourself. But, Mommy? How could I have a child I’ve never met, never carried.

Benjamin returns to the hall and locks the doors forcefully before turning to me, his clothes askew and hair a mess. “This is precisely why you shouldn’t have stayed.”

“Who was that? Where did he go?”

“I thought that was quite obvious, Eleanore.” I can almost see the rage rippling off of him.

“Oh my god.” The hall is spinning and I think I’m going to be sick, but as I double over to vomit the ground comes up to meet me and then my world is black.

While I sink into a dreamless sleep somewhere inside of Benjamin’s house a quote I’d read long ago by Edgar Allan Poe dances in my head, twinkling and fading like a dying star.

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”

It’s horror that I feel. Horror at the reality of my twisted life.

I’m somewhere between wake and sleep, fighting to hold onto my unconsciousness so that I don’t have to face the world. But, I can feel my throat burn and my coughing brings me around.

Benjamin is hovering over me, the look of worry across his face brings me joy in some dysfunctional part of my brain.Good.I hope you feel like shit.

“That’s your second nightmare in two days,” he shakes his head displeased. “You should have gone home.”

I sit up from where I’m laying and pull my knees to my chest. I look up and see the flowery painted ceiling and wince. “There was a little boy, in your hallway.”

“Oh?” Benjamin says, mildly amused, “There’s no one here but you and I.”

My eyelids flutter and I just want to go back to sleep, I want to wake up on the morning of the Fourth of July to find that this has all been one more fucked up nightmare.

“Why did you save me?” My voice croaks through my dry mouth.

“It was the right thing to do,” Benjamin says, his hand gently touching my cheek.

“Then why do you want me to change my childhood?”

“I don’t.”

“What do you mean you don’t? You said I could see my family again and-”

“I’ve never said I wanted you to change your childhood. I said I wanted to help you change your past.”

“What part of it?” I eye him warily.

“This part.”

I jerk my head back away from his touch and narrow my eyes at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Benjamin lets his hand hover in the air between us for a moment before letting it fall. “When the Marston men are needed we become stuck. Essentially, we’re frozen. I stopped aging when my father retired. That was in 1995.”

“So what?”

“When your mother became pregnant with you, Vivienne sought me out. She showed me something I should have never seen.”

“Was it that you’re a manipulative asshole?”

“I really do love your spark, Eleanore.” He smiles. “But no. Vivienne showed me my future. She convinced me that I needed to protect you from Wes, because of how much I would love you.”

“Ha.” I mutter, “Is that a marriage proposal, Mr. Harbinger of Death?”

“Eventually.”

“What?” I ask, but then I think that marrying the most fucked up man I can find sounds like something I would do. “So you’re telling me that I’m supposed to fall in love with you?”

“Well, yes.” Benjamin stands and begins to pace around the bed, “I’m trying to make sure you survive that long.”

I lean back against the headboard watching him walking in dizzying circles. “So I’m going to die?”

“When I saved you, I was stripped of my most important power. My ability to see death. I no longer know when someone is going to meet their end, it’s why I couldn’t show the cab driver how he really dies. So, to answer your question, I’m not sure if you’re going to die. It’s always different.”

“What is always different?”

“This week,” Benjamin rushes the side of the bed and kneels, his hands gripping mine, “Don’t you get it, Eleanore? This is a time loop. This has all happened dozens of times, and no matter what I do you always vanish.”

Benjamin sticks a hand in his back pocket and produces a folded photograph, when he hands it to me I stare at it for a moment, not wanting to unfold it and find out what it shows. “What if I don’t want to see what this is? What if I don’t want to believe you?”

“I’m begging you, Eleanore, for the sake of your future, please believe me.”

“You said I vanish in a year, how do you know I’m dead?”

“Please just look.”

I look back at the blank side of the photograph and unfold it. My breath hitches and I know exactly why Benjamin thinks I’m dead.