SWNOVELS (Dis)content: Chapter 11
Most of the morning drive I spent lost in memory. It didn’t hurt to remember my life with Ethan. What ate at me was the realization we wouldn’t be creating new memories.
When the caravan stopped for lunch at a restaurant just outside of yet another town, I was ready for a break from my thoughts.
Inside the place, seeing the long table and watching everyone crowd around it, brought a pang. It didn’t last long. Jim sauntered over and gave me a grin. Sitting in Ethan’s spot, Jim picked up the menu and began making enthusiastic noises as he read. Then, he nudged me as if unaware he’d had my attention the whole time.
“They have a one pound burger.” He tilted his menu to point at the option, then started to read. “This one pound behemoth is grilled to your preference, topped with a slab of deep-fried cheddar, three jumbo onion rings, and enough bacon to grease your arteries.”
He closed the menu. “I’m getting two.”
“Jim,” Charlene said. “Just one.”
He nodded then leaned toward me. “Order the same. I’ll help you finish it.”
He looked at me so earnestly that I nodded.
“Want a beer, too?” he asked hopefully.
“I don’t drink.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” he said with a grin.
The waitress came around and started taking orders. All the men were asking for the Behemoths.
When she looked at Jim, he put his arm around my shoulders.
“We’ll have two of the Behemoths, medium, and two beers.”
The waitress made a note on her pad then looked at Carlos. He reached over and knocked Jim’s arm from me before ordering.
“A Behemoth. Medium, please,” he said as Jim laughed.
Amusement drifted from most of the group. But not from Grey, who sat across from us. A thread of worry tickled my awareness. I glanced at him and the thread disappeared, even though he wasn’t looking at me to notice my attention.
The rest of the group finished ordering. Within a few minutes, the waitress started to bring out the drinks. When she set mine in front of me, I asked if she could bring me water, too.
As soon as she left, I pushed the beer toward Jim.
“Can’t,” he said. “I’m driving.”
“I don’t drink,” I said again.
“Maybe you should.”
“You’re not a good influence.”
He winked and nudged the beer back my way. I shook my head.
“If I drink, my guard slips. People get hurt when my guard slips.”
Jim leaned back in his chair.
“You’ve never let loose?”
His aghast tone definitely felt staged.
“Once. I put the bar to sleep.”
“I’ll drink yours,” Bethi said, reaching across the table. She’d just sat down again with the drink in hand when Luke snagged the bottle and drained it.
“Not today,” he said, setting the empty bottle next to her plate.
“Killjoy.”
Jim sighed and absently scratched his chest.
“We should have ordered appetizers.”
At the far end of the table, Charlene and Winifred started discussing hotel options for the night. They pulled Gabby and Michelle into the conversation. Bethi and Luke were having a stare down. No doubt over the beer.
That left our end of the table pretty quiet.
“Have you ever been to New York?” Grey asked when I met his gaze.
“No. This is the furthest I’ve ever traveled from home.”
“Are there any sights you want to see?” Carlos asked.
“I doubt there will be time for that. Sounds like it will be a lot more hotel fun.”
My response seemed to kill the conversation attempt. It was fine with me. I stared at my placemat and remembered playing tic-tac-toe with Ethan. My chest started to hurt. I embraced it; I never wanted to forget.
By the time the burgers arrived twenty minutes later, I wasn’t very hungry. I nibbled on some fries and managed a few bites of my burger. Before Jim could snag the Behemoth from my plate, Carlos took it and set it on his. Jim grumbled, and took the remaining fries.
When the waitress came back around asking about refills, Carlos asked for a to-go box. I glanced at him.
“You’ll be hungry later,” he said.
We left the restaurant and only managed to drive a few miles when the vehicles ahead of us pulled into a tavern. We were the only cars in the gravel parking lot.
Carlos frowned but pulled in behind the rest.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Jim. He needs the bathroom.”
Sure enough, the driver’s side door opened, and Jim jogged toward the building. I watched him disappear inside, then turned to keep staring out the window.
After a few minutes, Carlos growled and turned off the car.
I glanced at him. He didn’t look at me. His tight hold on the steering wheel conveyed something. But what?
“Are you impatient, annoyed, angry?”
“All of the above.”
“Why?”
“Jim’s been in there for five minutes. Grey said he’s not answering the Elders.”
“So?”
“We don’t have time for his fooling around.”
“You sound like you know Jim.”
“I grew up with him.”
“Why doesn’t someone go in to check on him?”
“Because that’s most likely what he wants.”
I shook my head and opened the door.
“Isabelle, wait.”
I ignored Carlos and started toward the building. When I was almost to the entrance, I heard Carlos open his door to follow. I pushed my way into the tavern and spotted Jim at the bar. He had a row of shots lined up. When he saw me, he spread his arms wide.
“Time to let loose. There’s no one in here.”
Except the bartender, but I didn’t point that out. I reached Jim and glanced at the shots.
“Carlos is annoyed with you.” No doubt, Luke would be too. There were twenty little cups waiting. I doubted Luke would keep Bethi from them all.
“Really? That’s new.”
I couldn’t tell if Jim was being sarcastic or not.
“The rest are going to be annoyed with you, too.”
“Not if you stick up for me.”
“And why would I do that?” I asked, looking up at him.
“Because deep down, you want to let go for a little while.” He grabbed a shot and held it out to me.
His sudden seriousness brought back the ache in my chest. He was right. I desperately wanted to let go of the pain and loneliness. I took the shot and tossed it back just as the door opened.
“Jim,” Winifred said. “Outside, now.”
The liquid burned a pleasant path to my stomach. I set the glass aside, arched a brow at Jim, and turned around.
“Before you take him outside and beat him like he probably deserves—”
“Not helping,” he mumbled.
“I was wondering if we could take a break. From our lives. Just for an hour. Before it all gets crazy again.”
Winifred’s gaze had shifted from Jim to me as I spoke. Her expression softened, and a wisp of pity drifted to me. She was still plenty angry, though.
I shrugged and gave my best innocent face.
“Nothing will be the same once…well, things will change even more than they already have.”
More of her anger faded. She sighed and eyed Jim.
“You are not always right.”
“I understand,” he said, sounding contrite.
“I’ll tell everyone we’re staying.” She walked back out.
“Quick. Drink two before Carlos gets in here and rains on the festivities.”
Accepting the two shots, I lifted one to my mouth as the door opened again.
“We don’t have time for this,” Bethi said, stomping in. I turned without drinking and held the extra shot up to her.
“Can you beat Luke this time?”
Gabby and Clay were just coming through the door. I couldn’t see anyone behind them.
Bethi squealed and raced forward. She snatched the shot from my hand and slammed it back.
“Like drinking much?” I said.
“Nah, I like annoying Luke.” She grinned at me and stole the other shot from my hand.
“Bethi.”
Luke’s word of warning made her eyes pop. She quickly tried to drink, but his hand closed over her mouth. The shot spilled all over. Luke shook his hand and gave me a dirty look.
“She’s seventeen.”
I glanced at Bethi.
“Wow, your dad looks really young.”
She snorted behind his hand then bit him. I knew it was a bite because of his grunt and the immediate removal of his hand.
“We need music,” she said. She took my hand, and we went over to the digital jukebox on the wall. “Gabby! Michelle! Come help,” she called.
Our tastes in music led to an eclectic selection of pop, rock, and ballad. When I wandered to the bar, Carlos stood near the shots. Jim was talking to Thomas and Emmitt. Charlene and Winifred were sipping glasses of wine. The quiet conversation and relaxed atmosphere felt nice. It wasn’t the usual bar vibe of lust, mistrust, and disgust.
I reached around Carlos, grabbed a shot, and held it out to him.
“Want one?”
“No. If I drink, my guard slips. People get hurt when my guard slips.”
I eyed him. Was he mocking me? Scolding me? He met my gaze steadily, giving no hint why he’d just thrown my words back at me. It annoyed me.
“Fine.” I tossed another shot back and grimaced at the cloying sweetness.
“Ew. What was that?”
Carlos took the shot from my hand, sniffed it, and shook his head.
“Jim said they’re all different.”
“Really?” I eyed the shots again. “That makes this kind of fun.”
I picked up another shot. Before I could get it to my mouth, Bethi ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and poured the liquid into her mouth.
“Daddy’s going to put you in a time out,” I said, looking back at Luke.
“Just remember your promise,” Luke said. “She’s sleeping with you tonight.”
Crap. He was right. But the sun was still up, and we had plenty of time before we needed to worry about that.
“No puking,” I said.
She laughed. “Come dance.”
The shot I’d managed to drink had warmed me enough that I nodded.
I loved music. I loved moving to music. Granted, usually my moves involved kicks or jabs, but I knew how to dance. What girl could work in Ethan’s bar and not pick up a move or two?
So for a while, I lost myself on the dance floor. There was no pain or sorrow, just the moves and the moment.
Bethi and I had moves. Gabby and Michelle…well, they tried. Eventually, Emmitt joined Michelle, and Thomas and Charlene gave the floor a try. It was fun. A lot of fun. Their laughter clogged the air as much as their happiness. I soaked it up without meaning too. They didn’t seem to notice. They kept being happy.
I slipped from the group and went to the bar. Carlos still guarded the shots. I took two and downed one after the other.
The last one made my nose burn.
“Ugh! Keep me away from exposed flames.”
He didn’t comment. I turned to face the room and stood beside Carlos. He had a view of everyone having fun. Even Grey was to the side, joking with Jim.
“Why aren’t you out there?”
He turned his head and met my gaze.
“Are you inviting me?”
“Is that what it takes? An invitation for you to have fun?”
He shrugged and went back to watching everyone. I shook my head at him, reached back, and picked up a couple more shots. I took a sip from each.
“These aren’t bad. This one’s minty. This one’s…” I took another sip. “I think my taste buds are checking out for the day because it doesn’t taste like anything.”
I held the two shots up. He glanced at them, looked up at me, then took both. After he swallowed, he set the glasses to the side.
“Second one was water.”
“Hope Jim didn’t pay for that.”
“Come on, Isabelle!” Bethi said. She was shaking it to some party rock. I went to join her.
I danced. I drank. I danced some more. Time slipped away as I let loose.
And I started to smile more than not. A warm glow filled my belly. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the emotions of those around me. All I knew was that I felt happy. There wasn’t a smidge of negativity around me, not even from Bethi.
I grinned and made my way toward Carlos and the drinks. Carlos studied my progress across the floor. He was probably trying to judge just how far gone I was. Not too far. I felt like I was still walking fine, until I almost tripped.
I leaned against the bar beside Carlos.
“Done drinking?” he asked, looking down at me.
“Nah. Just wanted to relax and check out the view.”
Charlene laughed and danced with Thomas and Jim. Jim kept the shots lined up on the bar and his mom’s wineglass full. None of the werewolves seemed even the least bit tipsy. Bethi definitely was. She was surprisingly good at tricking Luke. Michelle’s cheeks were rosy as she swayed in Emmitt’s arms. Gabby definitely wasn’t drunk. However, I did see her sip from Clay’s beer a few times.
So much joy. I felt bloated with it. And I didn’t want to stop to spar with Carlos. So I exhaled and tried to push some of it away from me.
Almost everyone staggered. The bartender bumped against the bottles behind the bar and laughed.
In fact, everyone seemed happier. A weird, crazy, might-need-to-be-locked-up kind of happy.
I started to worry when I saw Winifred laughing and leaning against Sam. He supported her and laughed just as hard.
“Carlos?” I said, tearing my gaze from the pair.
Carlos looked at everyone with a frown.
“Did you do something?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” If I had, it wasn’t something I’d ever done before.
“I’ll take Thomas, Charlene, and Grey outside and see if that helps clear their heads.”
I nodded and watched him as he moved across the room and convinced the three to leave with him. When he opened the door, I noticed how late it had gotten and turned to the bartender.
“We’re ready to close the tab,” I said.
“He’s been paying along the way. No tab to close,” the man said, his random amusement still clinging to him. I tried to ignore it.
“Good. Make sure no one else buys any. We need to get going soon.”
He nodded. I looked at the seven shots still waiting.
“Can I get a glass of water?” He moved to get me one, and I downed two more shots.
When he brought the glass, I filled the shots with water.
“Bethi, come help me,” I waved her over.
Luke didn’t scowl at me this time. I handed her the waters, and Luke got two of the real thing. I grabbed another shot to join them. Bethi kept giggling and spilling her water as she tried to drink it. Luke helped her aim for her mouth, chuckling the entire time.
I needed to get away from everyone. The mad laughter was starting to grate on my nerves. I went over to Jim.
“Can I have your wallet?” He reached into his back pocket and willingly handed it over. He still had sixty dollars left. I took it all, since he seemed to be the instigator, then walked out the front door. The cool air felt good.
Grey, Charlene, Thomas, and Carlos stood near the road. They spoke quietly and no one seemed to be laughing anymore. I did, however, feel their lingering amusement. Whatever it was seemed to have faded for them. It gave me hope for everyone inside.
I leaned against the building and waited for the discussion to finish. They couldn’t blame me for what happened. I mean, I’d warned Jim. And I didn’t think spreading some happiness was a bad thing. Not with this group. Besides, I’d really enjoyed myself for the first time in a very long time.
The tension I’d held slowly evaporated, and I sighed happily as the world seemed to turn soft and wavy. Drinking was a great idea. I owed Jim big time. And I needed to tell him that. I stood and reached for the door. It moved away from me, and I had to reach for it a second time.
Inside, Jim was laughing at something Emmitt had said. He had a nice laugh. It made me smile.
Forgetting why I’d come back in, I let the song on the jukebox draw me to Bethi’s side where I started dancing again. I closed my eyes and just moved. Not too much though. I didn’t want Luke and his wild dance moves to take me out.
It took two fast beat songs for me to notice the laughing had stopped. And it took a slow song for me to open my eyes. The bar was empty. Except for Carlos. He leaned against the wall near the jukebox, and he watched me.
My pulse leapt and my belly warmed. He straightened away from the wall and held out his hand.
I gave him a small smile and moved toward him. Once I slipped my hand in his, he closed his eyes for a moment.
“Home,” he whispered.
I didn’t understand what he meant.
When he opened his eyes again, he pulled me toward him. We moved together to the music, a gentle sway that beckoned me to lean in further. I rested my cheek against his chest and sighed, floating in peace.
The music ended too soon. I lifted my head, but he didn’t stop dancing with me. Our gazes locked. Something there made my pulse flutter. In excitement or in warning, I couldn’t tell. My head was too fuzzy to think straight.
“I need some air.”
I pulled away from him, but he kept hold of my hand and led me toward the smoker’s exit near the back. Trees surrounded the overgrown patio, and he tugged me toward them.
We walked a ways into the woods then he stopped and turned toward me, only inches separating us. The distance reminded me of the night in the bathroom, and I tilted my face up toward him, wondering if he’d try something like he had that night. Part of me hoped he would. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted him to hold me, but I didn’t want it to mean anything.
He turned away from me, confusing me. It took me a moment to notice that the hand holding mine shook.
“Carlos?”
“Will you do something for me, Isabelle?” he asked softly.
A shiver coursed through me at the rough edge in his voice. I tried to focus, to feel what he might be feeling, but my head was swimming too much.
“Do something?”
“Yes. For me.”
I hesitated. He wanted me to do something for him but wouldn’t turn around and look at me. Even with my head swimming, I knew that, along with the shaking, couldn’t be a good thing. Yet, he was still talking. Asking nicely. That couldn’t be too bad, could it?
“What do you want me to do?”
“Run,” he said.
I wasn’t expecting that.
“Why?”
He turned and using my hand, tugged me closer to him. My breath caught when his other hand rose to my face. His fingertips trembled against my skin as he touched me lightly along my jaw.
“Because I want to chase you.”
At first, I thought he was joking. But his serious expression told me otherwise.
“Just run?”
He nodded.
“Like tag?”
Slowly, he shook his head. I searched his face for a hint of what he might be thinking. The shaking got worse as I backed up a step, then another. He growled low, and like the insane person I’d always guessed I was, I tore free from his touch and ran.
A rumbling growl sounded behind me a moment before something came crashing through the trees after me. I let out a squeal and pushed myself to go faster. I dodged around trees and squeezed through bramble. A few times, I thought I might have gained some distance, but then I’d hear another splintering crash or growl.
Either the running or the adrenaline seemed to burn off enough of the alcohol that I realized what I was doing was crazy. I stopped suddenly and spun around to face Carlos. Only it wasn’t Carlos that burst through the trees.
A dark beast prowled closer on all fours. Its lips were pulled back in a snarl, and a spike of fear dissolved the rest of the alcohol’s effects. It looked just like the things that had attacked us.
“Carlos?” Fear pitched my voice higher than usual.
It jumped forward and knocked me down, not giving any indication that name meant anything. The beast stood over me and lowered its muzzle to my face. I could barely breathe past the terror filling me.
“If you’re Carlos, you better show me now, or I’ll make you bleed.”
The beast gave a shudder and fur started to disappear, exposing familiar tan skin. His ears receded and his teeth retracted. Within seconds, the beast leaning over me became Carlos.
His gaze locked with mine. There was no anger. Instead, everything in his expression hinted at the want he’d once let me feel, a desire so potent, a need so consuming, I’d let him hold me. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of it.
“Isabelle…” He slowly lowered his head, his breath fanning my face as he glanced at my lips.
Panic surged through my veins.
“I’m not ready,” I whispered.
He sighed, closed his eyes, and dropped his forehead to mine.
“I know.”
He didn’t move, and I became very aware of just how close we were. His inside thighs touched the outside of mine. The heat of his chest warmed me but didn’t press against me. His arms, braced on either side of me, prevented any further contact. But for how long?
“Can we get up?” I asked nervously.
He nodded, but didn’t move further.
“Carlos. Are you all right?”
“Thank you, Isabelle.”
“For what?”
“For running.”
Then he got up and offered me his hand. My eyes bugged.
“Where are your clothes?”
He looked down at himself then at me.
“I’ll need to get some new ones from the car.”
As he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet, I forced my gaze to remain locked on his face.
“Do you think everyone is ready to leave?” I asked, pretending my face wasn’t fire engine red.
“Yes.”
He turned and started walking away. I had no choice but to follow the full moon out of the woods. It was a nice walk back.
When we reached the building, Carlos pointed at the back door as he veered left to walk around to the parking lot. I went inside and found everyone sipping water at the bar.
The seat next to Bethi was open, so I carefully made my way to it. It seemed the clarity from the run in the woods and those intense moments on the ground had started to fade, and my eyes refused to focus as they should. It made walking a little tricky. That my head felt light and fuzzy didn’t help either. No one else looked like they felt any better than I did. I couldn’t be sure if it was the alcohol or the mysterious and slightly creepy mood change they’d all gone through just before I’d left.
“Are you all right?” I asked Bethi as I sat next to her.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“What happened to all of you?”
“You did.”
“What do you mean?”
She glanced at the bartender. Winifred, at the far end of the bar, called the man over to her and started a conversation.
“You can take people’s emotions, pulling so many that people lose their will to live. Like those Urbat you…” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, when you’re full of emotion, you can also push it back out, forcing foreign emotions into the people around you. When there’s enough of it, the emotions seem to overload their brains and make for a very violent death.”
“How do you know this?”
“Been there, dreamed it.”
“Why didn’t you say something before now?” I asked, getting angry. I might have done something different the night that Ethan—
“You didn’t survive in the dream.”
That cut off my growing anger.
“Oh.”
So when I’d felt so full of happiness before, I hadn’t pushed it out into the air but into everyone around me. It hadn’t hurt me, and it hadn’t hurt them. But I hadn’t been that full of emotion, either. I realized what that meant for me. The next time I faced the Urbat, I could pull/push emotions like a pulse. They wouldn’t be able to get close to me. And, I bet the more I held in before pushing it out, the more it would affect the people around me.
Carlos came in just then, drawing my attention. Dressed once again in slacks and a polo, he looked just like his old self. However, the image of his naked backside was burned into my retinal memory.
“Are there any other hidden talents I should know about?” I asked Bethi, trying to distract myself.
“If there are, I haven’t dreamt them,” she said. “I really hope you’ll be able to fix the hangover I’m going to have tomorrow.”
“Sorry, babe. Hangovers aren’t emotions.”
Carlos strode across the room, his focus entirely too intense. I looked away and caught sight of my flushed face in the mirror behind the bar.
A second later, Carlos stood behind me. Our gazes met in the mirror. My chest felt tight, and my heart didn’t want to beat right. The dumb organ couldn’t make up its mind if it wanted to be fast, slow, or just stop.
“You should try to eat,” he said, placing the leftover container in front of me. “Please.”
I nodded, flustered by my reaction to him, and opened the box. The burger was cold from being in the car so long. I took a bite anyway. It was good and made my stomach feel better. Bethi stole a piece of my bacon.
By the time I managed half the burger, I felt normal. Still drunk but not flustered. I set the rest of the burger back into the container.
“Finished?” Carlos asked.
“All yours,” I said, nudging the container to the side. He reached around me, and his arm brushed mine. The skin under my sleeve tingled at the contact. So much for normal. I kept my gaze locked on my glass of water. Twice, I almost used the mirror behind the bar to see if he was looking at me.
A stool scraped along the hardwood floor.
“Looks like it’s time to go,” Bethi said.
I glanced up and saw the Elders standing. Winifred was handing the bartender a decent tip for a thankfully slow weekday afternoon.
Carlos set the empty container next to my elbow and offered me his hand. I knew he only meant to help me from the stool, but I couldn’t touch him.
“I’ve got it,” I said. My ungraceful slither from the stool didn’t support my words.
He followed closely as I moved toward the door.
When Jim passed Winifred, she held out her hand. He sighed and handed over the keys. I doubted it was due to his alcohol consumption. Rather, it was most likely due to our detour. Everyone piled into the same vehicles, leaving Carlos and me alone.
He didn’t comment when I hesitated before veering toward our car. He waited patiently for me to get in then closed the door for me. Once he was behind the wheel, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. The disorienting movement of the car as Carlos pulled out of the driveway had me opening my eyes again. I swallowed hard.
“You can lean on me again,” Carlos said.