Dirty Letters

“I just don’t see how it could possibly work. A long-distance relationship is hard enough, but one that basically involves Griffin coming to visit me in my little sheltered bubble whenever he has time off from being a rock star isn’t realistic.”

“What does Griffin have to say about all of this?”

Doc and I had been walking for at least two hours. When he arrived this morning without binoculars, I knew today was going to be a long and hard session. We’d talked for more than an hour and a half about what had happened at the hotel and how I reacted and felt. That conversation led to what was going on with Griffin and me, and now we’d moved on to the subject that gave me physical chest pains. Saying goodbye to Griffin later.

“He doesn’t understand how being with someone like me will drag him down. He’s worked so hard to get where he is, and I can’t tie a noose around his neck. His heart is in the right place; he definitely means well, but he deserves so much more. He should have a woman who stands on the side of the stage while he plays to sold-out stadiums and goes to charity balls with him.”

“Griffin doesn’t seem like a charity-ball type of man. He seems more like he’d write a check and make an anonymous donation to something that’s important to him and then come home to chill.”

Doc’s use of the word chill made me smile. “You know what I mean. It’s not the event that’s important; it’s him being able to share all his successes with a real partner. What if he won a Grammy award? I would never be able to even go to an event like that.”

“And you believe the only way you can share that success is by standing next to him physically? Can’t a person stand by someone’s side in a figurative sense? What about a woman who chooses to stay home and raise the children while a man goes off to work every day? Isn’t she standing by her man’s side?”

“That’s not the same thing.”

Doc shook his head. “Explain to me how it’s different.”

“Well, those are choices that a couple makes together. They have one big pool of responsibilities, and they’re divvying them up—one person doing the job of child-rearing and the other of supporting the family financially. But in my case—no one gets to make a choice because I’m so screwed up.”

Doc stopped walking and waited until I turned back and gave him my full attention. “You’re wrong, Luca. Someone is making a choice about this relationship and how it will work—and that’s you. You’re not giving Griffin any choices at all.”

Doc had left me with a lot to think about. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand what he was trying to convey; I just wasn’t sure I believed it, that Griffin knew what was right for him, that he would be able to work around my issues forever. He might be willing to accommodate my limitations now, while things were still fresh and exciting with us, but being with someone who couldn’t truly have his back would get old real fast. I wanted things to work out with him more than I wanted to breathe. I just didn’t think the reality of our lives would allow it. Losing him later might be harder than letting him go now. But the thought of truly letting him go was painful. I was still so confused—that was all I was sure about.

Griffin was sitting at the foot of my bed with his hands on his temples when I returned home. His hair was a mess. It looked like he’d been raking his fingers through it in frustration. He didn’t see me at the doorway. Observing him like this, seeing how frustrated he looked, really brought home how serious this situation was—what I’d done to him. He was doing everything in his power to make things right for me. But it shouldn’t have to be this hard. It wasn’t fair for him to have to constantly walk on eggshells just to make me feel safe and happy. I cared about him so much, and I honestly wondered if that meant I needed to let him go.

The suitcase was upright. He was all packed. My needing to talk to Doc had cost me valuable hours with Griffin. Now it was nearly time for him to leave to catch his flight back to Chicago. While there, he would finish the video shoot he’d abruptly had to abandon because of me. Then he’d fly back to LA before leaving with his bandmates for the tour. It was going to be quite some time before I saw Griffin again—if ever. My stomach was in knots.

He’d ended up returning the rental car and had insisted on calling an Uber rather than have me drive him to the airport. I hated the fact that I was relieved about that, since navigating the airport always stressed me out. It was so congested. A “normal” person would have insisted on driving him.

When Griffin finally noticed me standing there, he remained silent. The look of melancholy on his face was evident. I just couldn’t be sure whether it was disappointment in the way our trip had turned out or the fact that he had to leave. As much as I’d ruined things, I just wanted him to stay—forever. I wanted to cuddle with him on the couch tonight, order a pineapple pizza, and fall asleep in his arms. I wasn’t ready to share him with the world again.

“I’m sorry that you have to go when things are so up in the air between us,” I finally said.

He stood from the bed and walked toward me.

His eyes looked tired when he said, “Nothing is up in the air from my point of view. I’ve got a lot of fight in me, Luca. I’m here for the long haul if you want me to be. But in the end, regardless of what I might have said about not letting you leave me, I can’t force you to do anything. That’s the one thing I can’t do.” He wiped a tear from my cheek. “It will never be perfect. It will never not be scary. So if you’re waiting for this to not feel terrifying, it never will. There will be hard times. But there will be amazing ones, too. You have to decide whether we’re worth the hardships. In the end, it’s going to come down to one thing: whether love is enough.”

“I do love you so much,” I blurted through my tears.

“I know you do.” Griffin kissed the top of my head and repeated, “I know you do.”

The sound of a car beeping resonated.

He closed his eyes. “Shit. That’s my ride.”

I gripped his shirt. “Damn it. Not yet.”

“Figures the bloody Uber would be right on time.”

Griffin brought me into him and squeezed me hard. I felt the weight of a thousand words in that hug.

“Please call me when you land,” I said.

“I will.”

He finally planted a long kiss on my lips before ripping himself away. “I can’t do long goodbyes. They suck. So I’m gonna slip out.”

“Me neither. I hate them.”

Rolling his suitcase, he started walking toward the door when he stopped and turned around to face me. “In case I wasn’t clear, love is enough for me, Luca. But you have to let me love you.”

The days after Griffin left felt strange to say the least. My life seemed emptier than it ever had. Having him with me for that extended period of time had made me realize how alone I’d really been for so long. It had felt so good to have him around, to feel so protected.

I’d finally made it to the grocery store for my first overnight shopping trip since the time Griffin had accompanied me. This place now reminded me of him. As I perused the aisles, I’d remember things we spoke about the one time we were here together or remember items he’d dumped into the cart as I spotted them on the shelves.

Melons: Griffin.

Fruity Pebbles: Griffin.

Doritos: Griffin.

Daydreaming, I leaned against the cart and pushed it slowly, nearly missing a broken jar of tomato sauce by my feet in aisle eleven.

It took longer than usual to make it around the entire market. I finally arrived at the register.

Doris beamed when she spotted me. “Well, well, well. I’ve been waiting to see you. Someone has a lot of explaining to do!”

I cringed, not wanting to get into Griffin right now.

“Hey, Doris,” I said, beginning to unload my cart.

“Long time no see.” She started to scan my items while shaking her head. “You and Cole Archer. I still can’t wrap my head around it.”

“Believe me, even I haven’t fully wrapped my head around it.”

“Is he still staying with you? Where is he?” she asked, eyes wide.

“He’s on tour, actually. A dozen cities around the United States.”

“When will you see him again?”

“I’m not sure,” I answered truthfully.

“I want you to know that I didn’t tell a soul he was in Vermont. I didn’t want to make trouble for you.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“My niece would have shit a brick if she knew. I didn’t risk it, because she has a big mouth. Someday I’ll tell her.” She snickered. “She’s gonna kill me.”

I nodded silently.

She picked up on my worried vibe. “Is everything okay with you two?”

Should I be honest with her? Heck, there were so few people I even talked to on a regular basis. Doc and Doris were pretty much it. I decided to open up a little.

“I’m not sure if it’s going to work out. You know about . . . my issues . . . Well, some things happened while I went away with him, and let’s just say . . . it really brought home how difficult it would be to make it work.”

She stopped scanning. “Wait a second . . . you’re not considering breaking up with him?” When I didn’t say anything, she drew her own conclusion. “Luca . . . that boy loves you. He loves you. You can’t do this to me.”

To her? Was I hearing her correctly?

“To you?”

“Yes. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that speech he gave the night he was here with you. It gave me hope that dreams really can come true, things beyond our wildest imagination. I mean, how does sheltered little Luca living in the boonies of Vermont end up with a superstar? And he turns out to be her childhood pen pal? That is the stuff fairy tales are made of, Luca. And it’s your life. Your freaking life! Please don’t throw this away because of fear. You’ll never get it back. And it’s . . . magic. Pure magic.”

Magic. That was exactly what I needed at this point. I wished I had a magic wand to erase all of my fears.

Doris had stars in her eyes. I didn’t want to burst her bubble any further. At the same time, I couldn’t take her advice seriously. She was too starstruck and blinded by her awe of the whole situation.

“I appreciate the advice, Doris. I promise to take it into consideration.”

“I’ll be pushing for ya. Don’t you let that boy go and make beautiful babies with someone else.”

That comment really hit me where it hurt. It upset me for multiple reasons. The thought of Griffin with anyone else, let alone “making babies” with that person, was a tough pill to swallow. But that would be the reality if I chose to let him go. I’d have to see it all play out in the media, and it would kill me. The other thing was . . . what kind of mother would I make if I couldn’t take my child all the places they wanted to go? What if my kid wanted to see Disney or attend some event held in an arena? I wouldn’t be able to take him. I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts.

As I helped Doris bag my groceries, my mood lightened, and I took a moment to reflect on Griffin’s declaration of love that had taken place right here at this very register. It had to easily be the most romantic thing ever to happen at a supermarket in the middle of the night.