Dirty Letters

I was starting to think I could seriously live this recluse life forever.

First off, who else could say they got woken up in the morning being kissed by a pig? Not sure if that was what Hortencia was doing, but her snout was on my mouth, so I had to assume it was something along those lines.

Our first day together consisted of morning sex, followed by a walk with Hortencia, followed by more sex, then a two-hour lunch of tapas made from whatever the hell she had in the fridge. We topped off the afternoon with Luca reading me some of her latest book while I rubbed her feet and then talked her into more sex before a nap. Then we woke up, had dinner, and stayed up talking until it was time to go food shopping.

Ironically, heading to the supermarket in the middle of the night actually worked quite well for a celebrity trying to hide from prying eyes. It was as if some of Luca’s strange habits were made for me, really.

In Los Angeles, I had to wear a hat and sunglasses anywhere I went day or night if I didn’t want to be recognized. Here, I wore nothing, deciding to risk it as we ventured to the market during Luca’s usual time.

It was nearly empty. And it was bliss.

As Luca tapped with her index finger on a watermelon, I couldn’t help but notice how cute she was. She held it close to her ear. With her focused expression, you would have thought she was listening to the ocean inside. Her life may have been sheltered, but she certainly appreciated the little things. I was starting to see that the little things—these moments with her—were the big things. I wished I had more time here in Vermont to experience them.

“What are you doing?” I finally asked, referring to her examination of the fruit.

“I’m trying to see if it’s any good. There is a process with picking watermelons.”

“And here I was thinking I was the expert in fondling melons . . .”

“Oh, believe me. You definitely are.” She winked.

I laughed. “So what’s the trick to knowing whether it’s a winner?”

“Simple. If it’s hollow inside, it’s probably good.”

“Sort of the opposite of humans, eh? That’s how I felt before I found you. Hollow inside. Makes for a great melon but a rotten human.”

She put the watermelon down and placed her hand on my cheek. “That makes me sad.”

I grabbed on to both of her wrists. “I don’t feel that way anymore. Not here with you. I feel like a human for the first time in years. This—just being at the grocery store with you—it feels so freeing. You’d think that having all the money in the world gives someone freedom. But it’s different when you’re a celebrity. The real you is essentially imprisoned by your persona. You can’t ever really get the life you had before—the anonymity—back. So anytime you can feel halfway normal again, even if it’s fleeting, is like a gift.”

“Do you regret it at all?”

Pondering her question, I really had mixed feelings. “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished. Music has always been an important part of my life, and to be able to do this for a living shouldn’t be taken for granted. But there’s no doubt I didn’t quite know what I was getting myself into. Even if I regret it now, I can’t change anything. So I try to just look forward not back. What I need . . . is to figure out a way to have some kind of happy medium.” I looked around. “And this conversation is far too deep for the produce aisle.”

Luca pulled me into a hug. “Well, I’m really proud of you, of everything you’ve accomplished, if I haven’t already made that clear.”

“I’m proud of you, too. You’re successful in your own right. I create music and perform, but you create entire imaginary worlds. That’s no small feat, love.”

As we resumed wheeling the cart through the desolate aisles, I found myself grabbing everything I wanted on impulse, mostly packaged foods that I wouldn’t be caught dead eating back in LA.

“Are we having a Super Bowl party I don’t know about?” she joked.

“No. But I’m happy, so I feel like celebrating—being bad, eating things I can’t typically eat.”

Including you.

I hadn’t realized how much I was starving for normalcy until I finally got a taste of it during this trip. Granted, food shopping in the middle of the night wasn’t exactly “normal.” But I could really get used to this, hiding out with Luca, having sex all day, then venturing out only at night for sustenance.

As we approached the register, Luca said, “I’m just warning you that Doris is a fan, and she’ll probably recognize you. I haven’t mentioned anything, so I’m not sure how she’ll react. She might blow your cover.”

Luca had previously told me about this cashier, a warm and friendly face who always worked the graveyard shift.

“I think I’ll live if she outs me, given there are only two other people in this entire place besides us. Hardly a potential stampede.”

We approached the register with our cart.

“Hey, Doris.”

“Hey, Luca.”

Doris started to scan the items before she finally noticed me. Her eyes went wide as she mindlessly proceeded to scan the same item numerous times. She was in shock.

Luca cleared her throat. “Doris . . . this is—”

“You’re . . .” She pointed. “You’re . . . Cole Archer.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re . . . in my supermarket.”

Looking around, I nodded. “I seem to be, yes.”

She looked at Luca and then back to me. “You’re . . . here with Luca?”

Luca seemed to struggle to find the words. “Doris . . . Cole is my . . .” She hesitated.

I realized at that moment that Luca didn’t know how to categorize me. Understandably so, because we’d never discussed a formal title. I’d referred to her as my woman but never referred to myself as her man.

I finished Luca’s sentence. “Boyfriend.”

Luca turned to me. “Boyfriend?” I couldn’t tell if she was taken aback.

My heart sank, wondering if I’d fucked up in being presumptuous. “Is that not okay?”

When her mouth curved into a smile, my pulse slowed down a bit.

“It’s perfect,” she said.

“Good,” I whispered. “Very good.”

Our eyes locked until Doris’s voice interrupted.

“How did this happen?”

“How much time do you have, Doris?” I asked.

With stars in her eyes, she sighed. “All night . . . all night for you.”

“Alright, then.”

She gazed at me, eager for my explanation.

“Well, first off, my real name is Griffin. And our story started long before I ever became famous. When we were kids, Luca was my pen pal. We wrote letters to one another, didn’t even know what the other looked like. I fell in love with her through her words, but I never told her that. Due to a terrible misunderstanding, we were estranged for a long time. I was heartbroken. Then one night this past year, I got drunk and wrote to her again, never thinking she’d write back.” I looked over at Luca and kept my eyes on her. “We realized our mistake and picked up right where we left off. Except this time, we took some big chances. We found each other for the first time, and I realized that I’m even more in love with her than I thought.” I studied Luca’s shocked expression for a moment, then turned to the cashier. “I’m in trouble, Doris. I’m worried, because everywhere I go, people know who I am—or they think they do. It’s not a normal way to live. And my girl . . . she gets scared around crowds. It’s the worst possible combination of factors. It feels like everything is against us sometimes. But my greatest hope is that she’ll continue to believe in me, to believe that what we have is stronger than anything else working against us. I’m just so happy to be here, Doris—with her and with you.”

A carton of eggs that Doris had been holding slipped out of her hands and smashed onto the ground.

She seemed unfazed by the broken eggs as she fixated on us. “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I’ll . . . I’ll get you a new carton of eggs. I’m sorry.”

She ran away before I could say anything else.

I took the opportunity to turn to Luca and say, “I hope that was okay to admit, that I’ve . . . fallen in love with you, Luca. I love you. I’m crazy about you.”

Luca was in tears. “I love you, too, Griffin. I really do. I always have.”

We embraced, and I whispered in her ear, “I wasn’t exactly expecting that to come out the way it did, but now that it has . . . I want you to know that I mean every word.”

Doris returned, panting. “New carton of eggs for ya.”

She busily returned to scanning the rest of the items, seeming to rush nervously to make up for the previous delay.

After paying for everything, I wanted to give her a little something extra. I handed her a hundred-dollar bill. “Thank you for looking after my Luca when I can’t.”

“My pleasure.” She grinned. “Thank you so much, Mr. Archer.”

“I’ll see you soon, Doris,” Luca said.

“You’d better,” she said as we walked away.

Luca and I took the groceries to her car. After packing the trunk, I stopped to look at the sky. It was a beautiful starry night and, even more beautiful, there was absolutely no one in sight.

Freedom.

I grabbed Luca impulsively and started to slow dance with her in the middle of the parking lot. With her hand in mine, we rocked back and forth in silence. When else in my life could I do this without someone snapping my photo? I wanted to dance with my girl under the stars with no one watching but us.

I didn’t know why, but the first song that came to mind was “Maybe I’m Amazed” by Paul McCartney. It just seemed fitting. Luca continued to rest her head on my shoulder as I started singing the song softly.

It was a beautiful few minutes of peaceful rocking with the lady I adored. It felt like a dream indeed. If only my real life wouldn’t be coming to wake me up in a couple of days.

As our dance came to an end and we entered the car, I asked, “Would you ever consider a threesome?”

She was adorable as shock overtook her face.

“No. Never.”

“I wasn’t referring to that kind of threesome. But I was thinking . . . maybe you’d let me interfere in your Furby action tonight?”

I didn’t want to leave. And I didn’t mean the day after tomorrow—I meant ever. Luca’s head rested on my chest, and a cute little snore made her lips vibrate with each exhale she let out. Jesus, I even loved her snore.

I was screwed.

Totally screwed.

How the hell was I going to go on the road for weeks, sometimes months at a time, without seeing her? I didn’t want to go one single day. Plus, I really loved her lifestyle. Even the two-in-the-morning supermarket run felt more normal to me than anything had felt in years. I could see myself raking the leaves out front in the fall, shoveling the snow in the winter, and taking long walks in the spring with Luca by my side. Even though I had all the money I’d ever dreamed of, it always felt like something was missing. I just didn’t know what it was. Until now.

I fucking love this girl.

And now that I knew what made me happy, there was no way I was letting it slip through my fingers. So I slunk out of bed, careful not to wake Luca, and went to her office. I remembered she had a big calendar in there, one of those old-school desk blotters, and I needed it to lay out my plan.

“What smells so good?” Luca came up behind me at the stove and wrapped her arms around my bare chest. I set down the spatula and turned to bury my face in her neck.

“You. You smell good. It’s about time your lazy butt got up. I’m starving.”

“You could have eaten breakfast without me.”

I slipped my hands beneath the hem of the T-shirt she wore, my T-shirt—which I loved her in—and grabbed a handful of ass. “I ate breakfast three hours ago. I was talking about lunch. I’m eating you, sweetheart.” I pointed my chin to the kitchen counter next to us. “Right up there. I’m going to spread your legs wide and lick you until you say yes.”

She pulled her head back. “What are you asking that you want me to say yes to?”

I shook my head. “In good time. In good time. We’ll get to that. But first, I made you all your favorites.” I lifted a paper towel. “Bacon—turkey bacon. So you can enjoy the taste and still look your little buddy in the eye afterward.” I took the top off a pot on the stovetop. “Mashed potatoes. The real kind, not the powder shit you said you buy when you’re cooking for one. I have four Band-Aids on my fingers to prove I peeled the spuds myself.” I opened the oven door, where I had the main course keeping warm. “And crispy fried chicken battered with cornflakes.”

Luca licked her lips. “Oh my God. I can’t believe you did all this. I didn’t even have most of the ingredients for any of that in the house. You must’ve gone to the stores, too.”

That reminded me. I’d also stopped at a bakery during my outing—no hat and no sunglasses all morning, and not one person tried to take my picture or seemed to recognize me. In fact, the old man at the bakery grumbled at me. God, I love Vermont. I walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, and took out the white cake box. “Cheesecake with strawberry preserves on top. Though I admit that one is more for me than you. I can’t wait to smear it all over your gorgeous tits and lick it off.”

Luca’s eyes went soft. “I can’t believe you remembered all my favorite foods and made them. No one has ever done something like this for me.”

I kissed her lips. “Sit. Let’s feed you. Because you’ll be much more content with a full belly. Then we can talk.”

Luca made little humming sounds when she ate something she really liked. I couldn’t help but wonder if I could get her to make those while she was on her knees.

“What?” She put down her chicken leg, wiped her mouth with a napkin, and squinted at me. “You look like you’re thinking something dirty.”

I smiled. “How could I not be? You’re sitting at the table with no knickers or bra on. And fuck, I’m getting a hard-on watching you sink your teeth into that chicken leg. Sitophilia—I looked it up while you were feasting on my potatoes. I never knew I had a food fetish.”

Luca bit her bottom lip. “Speaking of fetishes, I bet you must have . . . done a lot of things . . . you know, experimented with women. I’m sure there’s been lots of opportunity.”

This was most definitely a conversation that I shouldn’t have. So I redirected where it had been heading. “I want to do a lot of things with you.”

Luca tilted her head. “Like what?”

“Off the top of my head? Well, I’d like to take off your shirt and titty fuck you. Slip and slide my cock through those big, beautiful baps and come all over your delicate neck.”

Her cheeks pinked up and her hand rose to touch her neck. “What else?”

“Well, since you’re asking . . . I’d like to bend you over my knee and smack that sexy ass a few times—hard enough so you feel it, and I leave a handprint on your fair skin. Then I want to hold you down with your cheek pressed against your desk and take you from behind while looking at my handiwork.”

She swallowed. “Oh. Wow. Okay. What else?”

There were a million things I wanted to do to her. So many ways I wanted to have her—in every orifice, in every position. But there was one particular thing I’d wanted to do with her ever since I first set eyes on her outside of my house in California. It wasn’t erotic in the least, yet it was what I wanted. “You know what I’d really like to do? Maybe we can give it a go tonight?”

“What?”

“Drink a bottle of wine, fuck, then order pizza and eat it in bed naked.”

The two of us started to crack up. Luca stood and walked over to sit on my lap. “I honestly couldn’t ask for a better way to spend our last night together, Griff. That sounds perfect.”

She was right; it was perfect. Only I needed to correct one little detail. And she’d given me a seamless segue to have the conversation I’d been itching to have since before the sun rose today. I locked my hands around her. “It is a perfect way to spend tonight. There’s just one thing we need to fix about that plan.”

She smiled. “Okay. What’s that?”

“Let’s not make it our last night together. I need to spend more time with you, because soon enough I’ll be on tour again and life will be crazy. I want you to come away with me now while we have the chance, Luca.”

She was more freaked out than I thought she’d be.

I’d written my schedule for the next month on Luca’s calendar and laid it in front of her to explain what my plans were. I pointed to Friday.

“I have to be in New York the day after tomorrow for the taping of a late-night talk show. Saturday I head to Connecticut for an interview at some college radio station, then back to New York for three different morning radio station appearances on Monday. Tuesday is a down day, but I have to be in Detroit on Wednesday night for a private showcase my label put together with some industry people. We’re going to play a few songs from our upcoming album for magazine reviewers and the big music bloggers. Thursday we go on to Chicago for three days to shoot the video for the first single. Then I’m off for a week before the tour starts. This is what I was thinking.” I took one of her hands in mine and brought it to my lips for a kiss. “Hear me out. Keep an open mind.”

Luca closed her eyes for a minute in an attempt to keep calm. When she opened them, I smiled.

“That’s my girl. Okay . . . here we go. First, we drive to New York. We do that late tomorrow night so the roads are empty. I reserved an Airbnb on the Lower East Side—it’s a two-story brownstone, and I took both floors so there wouldn’t be anyone else in the building but us. The place has a nice big desk that looks out a window where you can work while we’re there. We’ll stay there Thursday through Tuesday. I’ll do a day trip to Connecticut on Saturday and come back at night. You can write while I’m gone. Sunday we can spend the day in bed, maybe trying out some of those things I can’t wait to do to you and watching old movies. Monday you’ll work while I go do the last of the radio shows, and then we’ll drive to Detroit at night before going on to Chicago. After that, we drive back to Vermont and stay here for a week. My assistant will pack up my guitars and send them here, and he found a studio that I can use to practice during the day so I’m not loud during your writing time. The tour comes after that, but we use the next two weeks to ease into things, and we won’t worry about that schedule for a while.”

Luca’s eyes started to well up. I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “Talk to me,” I said. “Tell me what you’re thinking?”

One big, fat tear rolled down her cheek. It caused an ache in my chest as I wiped it from her beautiful face.

“I want to. I really, really want to. But I’m afraid, Griff. What if I have a meltdown in the middle of the trip?”

“What if you don’t have a meltdown and you have a great time?”

She frowned and closed her eyes. “You’re the sweetest. But I’m serious. I don’t think you fully understand how debilitating a real panic attack can be. Simply making plans causes an irrational amount of stress for me. I don’t just have anxiety the minutes before walking into a building, Griffin. I obsess over the possibility of even having a panic attack. It’s all I can think about when I know I have to do things that I’m uncomfortable doing. Every day my fear builds and builds until I get to a place where I start to crack.”

“How about if we take it one day at a time, then? Just go with me for one night. Don’t plan to stay two. After day one is done, you can decide how you feel about the next day. I can drive you back at any point.”

“I don’t know, Griff. You have a schedule. You don’t have time to run your agoraphobic girlfriend home if she becomes a basket case.”

I felt like I was starting to lose the battle. “Don’t worry about my time. A relationship is about give and take. You’ll be going outside of your comfort zone for me because I want you with me, and if I need to take a day and run you home, then that’s what we’ll do. My mum used to have a saying about relationships. To be honest, I never quite understood it, but I think that it’s because I never had a real relationship before.”

“What was the saying?”

“She used to say, What comes easy won’t last long, and what lasts long won’t come easy.”

Luca smiled sadly. “Your mom was a smart woman.”

“She was.” I cupped my girl’s cheeks. “So what do you say? Will you give it a try? We’ll start with one day and see how we do.”

She looked back and forth between my eyes. I could see the sheer terror in her face. But I knew we could make it work together. She wrapped her hand around my wrist while I held her face. “Can I think about it?”

Just then the doorbell rang. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect.

“Oh God. I’m not dressed, and I wasn’t expecting any company.”

“I’m expecting company.” I cradled Luca in my arms and stood, taking her with me. “Go put some clothes on. I borrowed your phone to call Doc. I invited him over.”

Her brows furrowed. “Doc? Why?”

I kissed her nose before setting her down on the floor. “Because I knew you would need someone to talk to about what I just asked you.”

Luca graced me with a real smile this time. She pushed up on her toes. “I really do love you, Griffin.”

“I love you, too. Now go get dressed so you can talk through stuff with Birdman, and we can get back to our plans for tonight.”

“Plans?”

“You’ve forgotten so soon? Drinking, fucking, and naked pizza in bed.”