Demon

Jonathan’s

I…

Am…

Jonathan’s.

I am Jonathan’s. I am here, with him, with his soul.

Time has passed, but I had no clear sense of it while it was passing. It is almost as though I have been asleep, which is a ludicrous concept for a Guardian. We don’t sleep, obviously. We are non corporeal beings, and sleep is a biological process. No, the state I was in entailed more self-awareness than that known by a slumbering human.

Even when we are not Guarding, we have some constant sense of self, although severely diminished, as we are merged into one consciousness while waiting with the others. But this was not even akin to the period between lives. It was a sort of purgatory. Not quite oblivion, as I continued to maintain some level of awareness, at least intermittently. But my solitude was utter, seeming as though I was somehow located outside of the universe. There was no reference point, nothing familiar, nothing definable. It was impossible to comprehend my circumstances. I have not known how to return to my dearest soul, have not been able to locate even myself within the vast emptiness in which I appeared to be lost.

My last clear memory, which sustained me as I endured the bewildering nothingness of the last few months, was the final glorious moment I shared with my beloved, while he rejected the cruel attempt of the Seer to frighten him with spurious tales of my existence. We would not allow that. We could not have her succeed in sundering our beautiful unity. We refused to listen to her diabolical words.

As I flooded Jonathan with my power, he battled against the forces of evil that would have seen us torn apart. We were one. He was fighting for us both, trying to silence the Seer’s abominable message. We were both absolutely consumed by this effort.

Until the Seer’s Guardian attacked. I was taken utterly unawares by the unprecedented action. A Guardian attempting to oppose another, in such a tangible and violent way? Unheard of. Impossible. Horrific. Terrifying.

I was distracted from my task, and forced to turn my attention away from my beloved, to the group of Guardians who were aggressively directing their power against me. It was shocking. I had never even interacted directly with other Guardians before, although I had observed the Seer’s preposterous group of Guardians chatting with each other as though they were mere humans.

I was helpless against their onslaught. The sensation was agonizing, unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I have shared the pain felt by my Guarded over many lifetimes, but of course never had the direct sensation myself. The energy shot at me by the other Guardians infiltrated the matter of which I am comprised, first slamming into me as a physical blast, and then shredding each particle apart from every other. It was the work of only moments, but I perceived it as an eternity of anguish, while I sensed the explosion of dark matter peeling away from my core. It was nothing short of an execution, a murder. I had only the dimmest sense of my beloved’s own struggle while I was being assaulted and tortured.

And then there was nothing.

For another eternity, there was nothing.

I was lost in the nothing. I knew nothing, saw nothing, was nothing.

Only one glimmer of hope remained to me, only one thing existed in the universe to anchor me to reality. I knew that I was tied to Jonathan’s soul. And I could sense, somehow, that Jonathan lived, that his soul remained, that they were waiting for me to return.

I drifted, waiting, helpless, unable to take any action of my own volition. I lacked any cohesion, my matter scattered across the infinite reaches of space. I was literally unable to pull myself together.

After an undefined amount of time, though, there was a flare of warmth, an instant of sudden shining clarity that came upon me without warning. In a moment it was gone. But somehow, that flash of heat had given me a tiny sense of healing. I realized when the moment ended that I had regained the smallest fraction of myself. The matter of which I was made had regained an iota of cohesion, just a particle or two growing close once again. I was still helpless, still scattered, but I knew that an infinitesimal amount of progress had been made in restoring my manifestation.

I did not have any idea what had happened, or why it had taken place. I struggled to understand, to find if there was anything that I had done or could do to recreate the moment. But I was unable to fathom any action I could take to trigger the event to recur.

Then, again. It happened. A flash of light, a glow of warmth, a miniscule recovery of my self.

What was happening?

I did not know. But it began occurring, again and again, at random intervals over which I had absolutely no control. I could neither predict the events, nor prolong them. Sometimes it was for the briefest of instants, sometimes the moment lingered on and on. Each time it occurred, my gathering being grew in the smallest of increments.

The events came and went without any regard for my efforts to generate them. There was no pattern that I could detect. But I was profoundly grateful for the gift of healing that they brought.

Little by little, I sensed my being becoming increasingly intact. I was still lost within a great void, but I was slowly becoming myself within it.

Then, as one of these events seemed to linger, lasting longer than most, while I felt more of myself being drawn back together, I suddenly had a flash of my beloved. There he was, suddenly looming out of the nothingness, his soul softly glowing rather than robustly burning, and I was pulled towards it, back to my source, rushing across the void faster than the speed of light.

For an instant, I saw him, felt him, was at one with him. I was utterly disoriented and could not understand what was happening, where the void had gone, what I was doing. It took a moment to attempt to reorient myself, to try to re-establish our link.

I reveled in our blessed togetherness, delighting in the renewed connection with my beloved from which I had been bereft for so long. He was suddenly also filled with a sense of my presence.

That is when I saw that he was sitting with the Seer, strangely complacent, permitting her even to touch him. Once I realized what he was doing, I recoiled emotionally from the contact with the creature who had brought us such profound harm. He felt my revulsion and yanked his arm away from hers.

Then, I felt the moment of warmth fading, the event that had brought me back to him ending, and my manifestation dissipating. I struggled to remain with him, but to no avail. I returned to the void.

But now there was a difference. I could still sense my dearest, my Jonathan. I could not reach him again, but the nothingness was broken. His soul, his light, reached out to me across the darkness. I took solace in the fact that I could sense him, even if from afar.

The intermittent moments of warmth and healing continued sporadically, gradually bringing me closer to the time that I knew must be coming. The time that I would truly return to my beloved. I watched his soul, still the only thing that I could sense in the void, and I drew strength from the knowledge that one day we would be together once again. His soul had lost the brilliance that it once had, but was growing increasingly vibrant.

I eventually realized that when I experienced the events that brought me warmth and healing, his soul experienced matching and simultaneous growth. The events that healed me were healing him as well. Our recovery coincided. I could not understand the mechanism by which we were both being healed, but again I was filled with deep gratitude.

Time passed. Our healing progressed. Eventually, my sense of his soul expanded, so slowly at first that it was difficult to detect the change. But I began to realize that I could dimly perceive the activities of Jonathan himself, not merely the status of his soul. I developed the slightest ability to observe him from the vast distance that still separated us.

And I finally realized what was happening. It was the Seer. Intervening again, imposing herself upon my beloved, installing herself as a fixture in his life. He accepted her presence as I had never allowed him to do in the past.

I was aghast when I discovered the shocking truth about what was binding us back together. The source of our recovery, the warmth and light that brought us both healing, was the girl. The very being whose actions had led to this exile. The Seer whose Guardian had committed such an unforgivable offense against me, against us.

My gratitude had been directed to my enemy.

My sense of conflict was enormous. How could I crave the touch of the monstrous entity who had led me to this torment? Yet each time it happened, just as Jonathan reveled in the warmth that it brought to him, I was similarly flooded with warmth and healing and light. I wished to revile the touch, reject it, refuse it. But I had no control, and no power over the activities of the Seer. I was forced to passively accept the means of my restoration from the abhorrent instrument of my destruction. I loved her and loathed her. I desired her and detested her. The inescapable ecstasy of healing was forced upon me. I was powerless, victimized again and again with the rapturous sensation of warmth and delight. It was a sweet torture, an agonizing bliss. Each episode left me both healed and shattered.

What felt like another eternity passed in this way. However, I had begun to come back to a sense of time once again. My perception of Jonathan’s life became clearer, day by day, until I could understand where he was and what he was doing. I could see him, but could not contact him. The gulf between us continued to be insurmountable. I began to feel myself again, yet still could not find my way back to him.

Until today. It has been over a day since the touch of the Seer last brought me the exquisite agony I had grown to abhor even as I yearned for it. I observed my beloved bid her farewell, apparently to embark on a journey with her family. Then I watched my dearest boy wait at his home, pining for the Seer’s touch, but having to endure its absence.

I do not know how exactly I was brought back to him. What caused my return? Was it his longing? His loneliness? The length of time since the Seer last touched him? I cannot understand. But, suddenly, I felt the distance between us vanishing, blinking away as though it had never existed. I see him, not from across a vast chasm, but here, before me, together just as we were prior to the day that the Seer and her Guardian severed our connection. The hateful Seer, the cause of our schism, has been defeated. My banishment is over. Our separation has come to an end.

A powerful sense of belonging floods through me, and brings with it a tremendous relief. I feel truly whole, for the first time since I was dismembered and hurled across space by the attack of the Guardians.

Jonathan’s soul reacts to my renewed presence by flaring strongly, for the first time since I began perceiving it once again. The Seer’s touch had healed it, and caused it to gently glow, but it is only my presence that can make his soul truly whole. It delights me to see him restored to himself.

But what is this? Jonathan recoils from my presence. He is filled with a terror that I have never before sensed from him. His heart rate accelerates, his eyes widen, he clutches the little pet that he had acquired shortly before I was exiled. He fears the return of “Demon”.

Ah yes. I remember now. That is the name the Seer had assigned to me, in her arrogance. I had rejected it out of hand. But my beloved has accepted it. Furthermore, he has clearly been instructed by the Seer regarding my existence. I search his memories, and find the education he has received from her, the knowledge and awareness that he has achieved regarding the reality that is hidden from other humans. She has corrupted his view of me even as she taught him of my presence. I see the unfair bias against me that has infiltrated his thoughts.

If I had a heart, it would be breaking. To have my beloved know of me, even call me by a name, should be an unprecedented delight. Instead, it is a crushing blow to find that the Seer succeeded in her fell mission to warn him against me. I yearn for him to love me, as I love him. Instead he fears me, even hates me.

My sorrow is overwhelming. But I must try to do what I can to repair the situation. I find myself weak, still suffering the effects of my long-lasting injury and convalescence. It is difficult, but I force myself to speak to him. “My darling,” I whisper painfully to him, “we are together again, as we are meant to be. As we must be. I will love you always, help you, support you. Please, dearest, be not afraid. All will be well. We will live our life in the companionship that is fated to be. My beloved.” It is exhausting, after all the time apart, to even whisper these few words of love to my Guarded. I sense that it will take some time, some additional recovery, before I am able to function as normal.

It occurs to me that before my exile, I had been using enormous power to interact with my darling boy, but I make no such attempt now. Simply whispering this brief message depleted my energy, left me without further resources. My return is so new, so sudden, so shocking, that I scarcely know how to resume my position as Jonathan’s.

But I at least know that I am here. I am his. I am Jonathan’s.