Definitely, Maybe in Love

“Dart said Henry went back home,” Julia relayed. She had most of her color back. Two solid days spent reuniting with the man she loved could do that. We were in her bedroom, she was on the floor inside her closet, reorganizing shoes.

“Oakland?” I asked, lifting my head off her pillow.

“First there, I think, then Montana,” she answered.

Well, at least she hadn’t said Tahiti. But still, the fact that he could’ve been in Oakland, so close, and still no phone call, made my heart feel like it was being crushed like a Styrofoam cup.

“So…do you know if he’s coming back to school? Classes start in two months.”

“I don’t know,” Julia admitted. “Dart moved back into the house across the street this morning, but I don’t know about Henry. I’m not sure Dart does, either.”

I was well acquainted with Henry’s guarded form of communicating. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t told Julia his plans while they were driving back from Monterey. In all those hours he and I were together at the ranch, I hadn’t once asked him if he was returning to Stanford. I hadn’t broached the subject of where he’d disappeared to after that last night at the library. For whatever reason, those didn’t seem important at the time. They seemed very important now.

“Huh,” I replied breezily, trying to blow off this information. But Julia was watching me, and I was positive she could read my eyes. I laid back and covered my face with an arm.

I don’t know when I’ll see you again. His words rang in my ears.

“Have you called him?” she asked.

I nodded, my throat feeling tight. “I haven’t been able to get ahold of him since last spring. He was supposed to give me his new number, but I left the ranch in such a hurry…” I forced my shoulders up into a shrug then let them drop. “So whatever. If he calls, he calls.”

“Uh-huh.” Skepticism wrapped around Julia’s tone.

I sat up and pushed my hair back. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided the whole thing was too sappy. Love and boyfriends and everything. So not me, right?” I forced myself to laugh in the sarcastic manner that used to get me through uncomfortable moments. This time, though, it sounded unnatural, and felt even worse.

“I don’t care what you say, Spring. Every girl wants someone to be sweet to her.” She sat on the bed next to me. “Even cynics like you.”

I knew she was trying to help, but her comment made my chest feel hollow and achy. A short time ago, I didn’t know how to love, but now I didn’t know how to do without love.

“You’re fighting against your feelings, honey,” she added. “I know how exhausting that can be. So stop fighting and let it flow.”

“Flow?” I echoed, giving her my famous flat eyes.

She lifted a smile and walked toward the door. “Yes. Go with the flow.” Just as she was about to leave, she turned back. “Do you want to hang out with us tonight?”

“Thanks, but I don’t think so.” Honestly, the thought of being around a happy couple was enough to make me cry.

Julia nodded and opened the door.

“Bunny,” I called, stopping her. “If I haven’t told you, I’m really happy Dart’s back and that you’re, you know, okay.”

“Me too.” She folded her arms and leaned against the doorframe. “I made mistakes, but I understand everything that happened now.”

I swallowed. “You do?”

She nodded slowly.

“Jules, I didn’t know how to tell you what I knew. I’m so—”

“It wasn’t Henry’s fault,” she cut in. “Not really.” She looked to the side and exhaled. “Mistakes,” she murmured to herself. “I made some, so did Dart. We all do. But now, it’s almost like we’re better than before because of it.” She gazed off for a moment. “Every second we’re together, I appreciate him more and more. All that time apart, all that wasted time. I’ll never be shy about my feelings again. Life’s too short, too precious not to love whenever we can.” She bit her lip, blinking back tears. “I learned that the hard way.”

“Yeah,” I managed to choke out, and then watched her leave the room.

Later that evening, I sat alone on my bed. The sun had set hours ago, but I hadn’t moved from my room since Julia left. Downstairs, Anabel was hosting an intimate party for twenty. I bowed out with the excuse about needing to write my congressman.

My room was dim and cool, the only light coming from the streetlamp outside my open window as sounds from the sidewalks below drifted up. The moon was high and Stanford’s summer populace was alive and ripe.

My fingers clasped behind my head and I stared up at the ceiling. Thinking. Trying not to think. The night grew darker as evening progressed. When I rolled over, my gaze moved naturally to the open window. Just knowing his house, his empty bedroom, was across the street crushed my Styrofoam heart anew. I quadruple-checked the ringer on my phone. Never before had I experienced such a lack of control over my thoughts.

Spring, I don’t know when I’ll see you again.

The intellectual part of me had no desire to keep mulling over the possible meaning of Henry’s last statement, so I forced it out. But with no other occupation, my thoughts did wander around the memory of the sound of his laugh…how we’d laughed together, how I admired his mind, loved his music, how he’d kissed my braid—one of the sweet ways he showed his acceptance and respect. The way he pushed my buttons just to make me laugh at my own reaction. How he dealt with me and handled me and let me go it alone, yet never took my crap.

The way he truly was so very good.

With my eyes closed, I imagined us in some future setting…whispering in the dark, sharing a pillow, asking how the other slept.

I drifted to the window and knelt down, resting my elbows and chin on the sill. The cool night air felt nice. “He’ll be back,” I whispered. “I know he’ll be back.” Just saying the words aloud made me feel slightly better, as if my faith in us was enough. He’d had faith in us for all those months, and now it was my turn.

I listened to the happy hums of the world below. As the breeze picked up and knocked the blinds against the side of the window, I opened my eyes, their gaze idly drifting across the street.

What they landed on made my blood stop cold. I blinked, sharpening my focus.

Parked crooked in his driveway was…

My Subaru.

I sprung out the third-story window, sliding down the ladder as fast as I could.

Twelve more steps, I counted, my fingers gripping around the rope handle. Eight more. My heart pounded behind my ears. In my haste, I did notice that no lights were on in his house, not even the bedroom on the second floor where he might be. I’ll be there three seconds sooner if I jump…

“Don’t!”

From directly below, I heard the warning shout, but it was abruptly cut short as I plummeted toward the ground. We collided mid-air, tumbling onto the lawn in a heap. Mine would’ve been a perfect ten-point landing had the intruder’s body not been blocking my way. Instead, I lay on my side, dazed and spitting out grass.

“Whoever you are,” I wheezed once my body regained its equilibrium, “I don’t have time to explain the theory of private property or breaking and entering.”

The prowler was behind me on hands and knees, quietly gasping in the shadows. I knew I’d probably knocked the wind out of him, and deservedly so! I didn’t have time to worry about him, my only thought was to make it through that door across the street and up those stairs.

“I won’t call the cops this time,” I added, rolling onto my knees. “But you should know I sleep with a wrench under my pillow.”

“Feels like you used it on me.”

I wheeled around to find Henry rubbing his forehead.

“Are your shoes made of cement, woman?”

“Knightly?” My eyes strained, pulling in every bit of light from the streetlamp.

“I saw you at the window.” He crawled over, a hand still at his forehead.

“Did I hurt you?” I asked, only half feeling the pain shooting from my own right shoulder.

“It’s nothing.” One side of his face was matted with grass and dirt. “Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“I saw my car and…”

He angled his chin to the light. To say the sight was soul-shaking might be a dramatic stretch, but that’s how I felt as our eyes met in the dark.

“How long have you been back?” I asked, silently praying he wouldn’t inform me that he’d been around for days and was just now finding the time to pop in and say hello.

“Exactly”—he squinted at his watch—“one minute and twenty seconds.” His face was tired and a little weathered, his clothes and hair uncharacteristically disheveled. He noticed my wondering stare. “I left home seventeen hours ago,” he explained, smoothing out his collar.

“Oakland?”

“No,” he replied, looking a little confused at my assumption. “The ranch. I flew back right after dropping off Julia and Dart, then drove back here in your car.” He was brushing grass from the knees of his pants. “You need to have your tires rotated. I would’ve done that along the way, but I know how you are about accepting unrequested favors.”

I think I was nodding, but only half listening to his small talk. There were a few things I needed to say, because, like my sweet roommate had said, life was too short to wait.

“Henry.” I jumped in before his voice had time to fade out. “Julia told me what you did for her.”

His brow furrowed, playing confused.

“Thank you. I know it must’ve been…unpleasant.” I exhaled a dark laugh. Obviously unpleasant was an understatement.

“You don’t have to—”

“Please. I need to say this.”

The lines in his forehead disappeared as he nodded and sat back.

“There’ve been mistakes…screw-ups, and I wish there was some kind of magical phrase I could turn to explain, to tell you…” I trailed off and groaned. “Yes?”

I’d stopped speaking when Henry’s mouth popped open, dying to butt in. He was holding up one finger now.

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

“Sorry,” he said. “But I have to interrupt here.” He scooted around so we were sitting across from each other on the cool grass. The light from the streetlamp was shining in my favor now, illuminating Henry’s face. I could see a little welt—approximately the size of my Doc Martin heel—swelling on his forehead. I could also see that he’d just lifted a tiny smile.

“I have no intention of turning this into one of those lectures you find so irritating, but I do want to let you in on a few things.”

“Okay?”

“Number one, I really blow at reading between the lines, so don’t bother trying to drum up some idiom that isn’t one hundred percent clear. Two, I’ve known you long enough to know there’s not a person on this earth who can argue you into something you don’t already believe.” He lifted another half smile. “A lawyer’s worse nightmare. Third and lastly…”

From his expression, I knew he was considering, formulating the sentences in his head before speaking. Some things never changed.

“Lastly, as much as I enjoyed being with you that night at the ranch, and when we were camping, and…in my kitchen.” He took a decisive pause, looking me in the eyes. I felt that pile of hot bricks on my chest from all those nights ago. “Well,” he continued, “that wasn’t exactly the way I wanted it then, and it’s definitely not the way I want it now.”

His last declaration threw me. Just like that, hot bricks dissolved into cold liquid.

“You don’t…” I could barely speak. “You don’t want me now.”

He stared at me for a long moment, his gaze unwavering. “Don’t want you?” he repeated slowly. “Springer.” He reached across the darkness and took my hand. “I have never wanted anything in my life more than you.”

I felt like the weight of the world had flown from my shoulders as I gazed at him, his lips pulling back into a smile. I reached out to touch his face, but he caught my wrist.

“This goes no further,” he said, lowering my extended arm down to my side, “until I hear it from you.” He removed his other hand from mine, sat back on his heels and folded his arms. “I need this, Spring. I need to hear it.”

A set of battling creatures descended upon my insides. One was attempting to calm me, while the other filled me with a totally different kind of nervousness. Because I knew what Henry was after.

Never in my life had I said those words. I’d tried to show him before, but that wasn’t enough. Henry was braver than me, he’d already said it months ago, fearlessly. I was not feeling as brave.

He sighed impatiently. “Are you going to say it?” he asked. “You know you want to.” There he was again, that confident, self-assured, sexy Greek hero who was completely certain of everything he did. His delicious lips pressed together, hiding a smile as he inched closer. “Because I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I traveled for three days straight. The last day was in your car, listening to the only CDs you had in there. Alanis Morissette on repeat. She’s stuck in my head.” His angel face twisted with exaggerated pain. “Any idea what that’s doing to me right now?”

“You listened to Alanis?”

“And Fiona.” He shrugged good-naturedly, charmingly. “Though I think I prefer—”

“Henry,” I cut him off, scooted forward on my grass-stained knees and took his hands. “Henry Edward Knightly…the third,” I added in a whisper, giving him a knowing grin. I ran my hands up his arms. “You drive me absolutely crazy.” He chuckled softly and looked down. “You amaze me.” I lifted his chin. “And I love you.”

Before my voice had faded out, Henry’s arms were around me. It must change something in your chemistry when you kiss someone for the first time after saying I love you. I would never mock Julia or her theories again. Never.

The next thing I knew, we were down on the ground, adding new patches of green to our previously grass-stained clothing. Henry was already a mess, and personally, the more tangled and twisted he became, the more insanely attractive he grew. I lovingly extracted blades of grass from his hair, while he wiped whatever foliage it was that was stuck to the side of my face.

“Won’t it be interesting,” he whispered, pressing my hand against his chest, “to actually be with each other in broad daylight without feeling the need to hide behind a gas station?”

“What a kissing tramp you turned me into on our campout.”

That spicy, virile, distinctive quality that exuded from his pores was now seeping into my bloodstream. I welcomed it in with every breath.

“Hardly,” he said with a laugh, tugging my arm. I obliged by wrapping my top leg around his to further intertwine us. “I don’t believe it’s considered trampy if you’re dating.”

I rolled closer so I could burrow into his neck. That smell. “We weren’t dating then.”

He swept the hair from the nape of my neck, his finger tracing a swirling pattern over my skin. “Details,” he said. “But I would like to do this right, just the same.”

“Do what?”

Henry lifted his head off the grass, propping it on an elbow. “May I take you out?” he asked. “A proper date. The first of millions.”

“Only if you tell me something,” I said, feeling a thrill in the security of a million dates to come with the man I did not plan on living without. “Three things, actually.”

He smiled inquisitively. “You have them numbered?”

“They’re important.”

He tucked some hair behind my ears. “Fire away.”

“First. Why didn’t you call me?”

“When?” he asked, running a hand up and down my arm.

“Well, ever, generally speaking, but yesterday or today to be specific.”

“I was driving. It’s dangerous to—”

“I didn’t know where you were,” I couldn’t help interrupting, squeezing his shoulder. “I didn’t know what was happening.”

He seemed puzzled by my statement. “Wait. Didn’t you know?”

“Apparently not.”

“Before you boarded the plane, I told you I would meet you back here.”

I peered at him. “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes.” He nodded. “I said—”

“Your exact words were: ‘I don’t know when I’ll see you again.’”

“Right. Well…and you didn’t understand what I meant?”

“You assumed with that sentence that I would know you were going to take off to Monterey, find Julia, bring her back to Palo Alto, leave again to Montana, drive back, and then come scaling up my wall like a knight in shining Armani?”

“Basically,” he said. “It was only three days.”

“Exactly.” I tapped his chest to add emphasis: “Three. Whole. Days.” I sighed at his baffled expression, but then pulled myself onto his chest and kissed him, because I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. “Henry, your communication leaves much to be desired.”

“I’ll work on it,” he promised. “And I’ll never make you wait three days again.”

I dipped my chin to kiss his neck, my hair spilling across his face. “Where did you go after that night you left the note?”

“I stayed with Dart in New York for a while,” he said, rolling us so we were on our sides, nose to nose. “He was completely pissed off at me when I told him I might have made a mistake about Julia.”

“You told him that?”

“Right after you and Mel left the ranch,” he said after a deep sigh. “Even before then…that last day in Washington, you made me think. I realized pretty soon afterward that I’d made a lot of mistakes. Moving to the house in Oakland was meant to be a distraction for Dart until the fall. I was an ass for not telling you we were moving. It was very wrong of me, but at that point, I was trying to convince myself that you were the last woman in the world I should be in love with.” He ran a finger from my forehead to the tip of my nose. “Even though I already was madly in love with the most incredible woman in the world.” His finger moved to my lips. “And she loves me back.” He blinked slowly. “Incredible.”

I never had daydreams about what a lover would say to me. But the words he spoke under the streetlights as we lazed on the grass were surpassing any fantasy I could have conjured.

“You said you had three questions for me,” Henry whispered, kissing around my chin. “Number two, please.”

“Did you beat up Alex?”

He stopped kissing and rolled onto his back. “I may have thrown a few punches, but nothing that will leave any permanent damage.”

“I’m sorry about…him.” I shuddered. “Back in the fall.”

“I know.” He was quiet for a moment before adding, “Do you forgive me for Lilah?”

“Of course.” I placed my hands on the ground on either side of his shoulders, balancing myself over him. “Especially since you were obviously suffering from the early onset of psychosis at the time.”

He laughed. “It truly was a nightmare with her. If she hadn’t been Dart’s sister, I would’ve told her off a lot sooner.”

“Mmm, I’d love to see that, tough guy.”

“In a way, I have her to thank.”

I cocked my head.

Henry smiled, fingering the ends of my hair. “If she hadn’t already talked you down so much with cautionary horror stories, I might not have paid much attention at first. But seeing you at the street party, I was instantly confused.” He grinned. “And simultaneously intrigued. I’m sure I seemed rude that night, staring at you like a creeper, but I was trying to work you out. After I discovered on my own that you’re this…this wonderful, brilliant life force, I devoted every spare moment of my time trying to make you forget about the ogre you met that night.”

“You have my official permission to cease atoning for the past,” I granted after a quick kiss. “Or we might be here all night.”

Henry grinned wickedly, and suddenly, I felt myself being lifted and dragged forward, my entire body on top of him. His arms tightened around me, keeping me pinned to him. “Saturday night, then. It’s a date?”

I started to nod, but halted. “I can’t. There’s somewhere important I need to be this Saturday. My father’s wedding.”

“That’s…great?” he offered, clearly confused by my somber tone.

A tiny swarm of nerves fluttered in my stomach, but I welcomed these ones, too. “I haven’t seen him in ten years,” I explained. “I’m petrified about it, but it’s a first step. I know I need to be there. I want to be there.” I gazed at the good man wrapped around me, the man who I was convinced could help me with anything I needed, and even those things I didn’t realize I needed. “Will you come with me?”

Henry brushed the hair from my face with both hands. “Love to.”

Someone in my house opened a window, and music spilled out onto the street. Bruno Mars.

“I have a confession to make,” I whispered.

“Hmm?”

“That playlist you made for me, it wasn’t corrupted like I said. I deleted it on purpose.”

He frowned in confusion. “Were you mad at me for—”

“No.” I held his face between my hands. “Those songs. I don’t know if you meant to do it or not, but listening to them made me want to…” I ducked my chin, hiding my face in his chest, irrationally embarrassed.

His body shook under me with a quiet laugh. “Made you want to what?”

I waited a moment then lifted my chin. “Make out with you.”

“Really?” He cocked an eyebrow, gazing off to the side. “Huh.”

“It was kind of torture, because I couldn’t back then.”

“Ah, Spring. Yes, you could have.” He took my face and kissed me until my toes curled. “Any time you wanted.” He pulled back, cocking his eyebrow again. “You better believe I’m reloading those songs.”

“And ten more,” I requested, hovering over his mouth. “Bring it on.”

The lawn sprinklers were set to a one a.m. timer. When they came on, Henry grabbed my hand and together we hustled to the sidewalk. Henry with damp hair and his wet shirt unbuttoned halfway down was like staring at a dazzling sunset. I drank in the vista.

“My place or yours?” he asked, little droplets of water clinging to his lashes.

I glanced at my house, the windows glowing yellow, sounds of music and laughter and way too many people.

“Yours, please.”

He took me by the hand and we crossed the street.

When I stepped out of the second-floor bathroom, having changed into one of his dry shirts and a pair of drawstring shorts, Henry was just leaving his room, bare-chested, pulling on a dry shirt over his head. Another staring-at-a-perfect-sunset moment. After his head and arms made their way through their respective holes, he blinked at me, looking stunned.

“First those braids, then flour, and now…” He tugged at the shirt I was wearing, the too-big neck hole hanging off one shoulder. “Is there anything you can’t don like a goddess?”

“I thought you loved me for my brain.”

“I love you for a lot of reasons,” he said as he stepped toward me. “I guess you standing at my open bedroom door in the middle of the night looking like this is just my lucky bonus.”

Damn.

His arms slid around me, backing me against the wall. “If we stay up here much longer,” he whispered the next time his lips were free, “I might not let you leave.”

In reply, I slid my hands around his waist then inside the back of his shirt, like he’d done to me so many times.

“Spring…” he murmured a little raggedly as I ran my hands up the smooth, hard skin of his back, enjoying it as much as he was.

“I love you,” I whispered into his neck. “Never leaving.”

He leaned against me, pressing my back against the wall, our bodies a solid line.

“I believe you have one last question,” he said as he kissed a trail down my throat. When his last kiss touched my collar bone, he pulled away and looked me in the eyes. I stared back, breathing hard.

“Come, Honeycutt,” he said, taking my hand, intertwining our fingers. “You’ve parched me dry.” He led us downstairs and sat me on the couch. “Your last question,” he prompted, passing me a water bottle to share.

I scooched back and draped my legs across his lap. “There’s a preamble first,” I said.

“How unlike you.”

“Did you get my thesis in the mail?”

Henry smiled and ran a hand over my legs. “Yesterday. I would’ve arrived back here two hours sooner, but I couldn’t leave until I’d read it. Twice. I’ll admit, I was surprisingly impressed, though I shouldn’t have been.” He reached out and ran a finger along my hairline, stopping on the indent of my temple. “This beautiful brain,” he murmured reverently. “But you didn’t see my side of the issue in the end.” There was a twinkle in his eyes.

I leaned over and kissed him. “Your side is wrong,” I whispered, lingering on the corner of his mouth.

“No, your side is wrong,” he countered, then gently bit my bottom lip. “Publication?”

I touched my forehead to his. “Oxford University Press.”

He grinned. “Shut up.”

“And a grant that paid for my summer research trip.” I twirled a finger around his curls then traced down to the tip of his nose. “Which brings me to my last question. What were you thinking when you first saw me at the ranch?”

Henry sat back and held a fist to his grinning mouth. “Several things,” he admitted. “You’d somehow found your way to my home. I knew that meant something. After that, I wasn’t too worried. Either you loved me or you didn’t. I felt you did, so I let the chips fall.”

I smiled, knowing I would never tire of his logic, ever awed by his faith in us. “You thought all of that when you first saw me?”

“Not right then. My very first thought was fear you would think I was stalking you.”

“You stalking me?” I laughed. “I was the one who showed up at your house out of the blue.”

His arms circled me, tightly, remembering this fact with approval.

“And I was the one who busted in on your family reunion with Tyler.”

“That’s right,” he said, narrowing his eyes. “What is the punishment for illegal pursuit in the state of California?” He touched his forehead to mind, his eyes gleaming. “I believe the penalty is harsh and extensive. Ready to pay up?”

“Neither incidence occurred in California,” I stated. “Ergo, the law clearly states—”

I didn’t see it coming, but suddenly he had me in a bear hug, whispering Latin jurisprudential terms into my ear as he rolled us off the couch.

“If this is your way of showing approval of my intelligence,” I said, pinning his shoulders to the floor, “then maybe I’ll demonstrate my knowledge of human anatomy later.”

“Now you’re really speaking my language.” He shifted his shoulders, but I held him in place.

“I have great hope for us,” I said, gazing down at him. “Despite our opposing views on—”

He covered my mouth with his and then slowly rolled us so he was on top. This took me by surprise, startled a bit by the feeling of the full weight of a man pinning me flat. Then Henry smiled above me, propped up by his elbows. I had an overwhelming desire to extend my neck and finish that kiss until we both exploded.

“Opposition makes for good debates, Spring,” he whispered, leaning down to nuzzle into the side of my neck. “And I plan on having very good debates with you for at least the next ten presidential elections.”

“Despite the rallies and protests”—I rubbed the back of his neck—“and lectures and fracking?”

He growled into my hair. “Especially the fracking.”

“In that case,” I said, breathing in the smell of his skin, “I am even more optimistic about our future compromises.”

When Henry kissed me, I was hyper aware of his body, the way it shifted and changed, and the way mine responded almost too naturally. Everything I felt with him was just plain natural, meant to be.

“There’s a 5K charity run benefitting clean-up of San Francisco Bay next month,” he said a moment later. “Why don’t I sign us up for that?”

“Only if we help clean up the beach afterwards. I’ll sign us up for that.”

Henry laughed into my hair. To sweeten the deal, I tugged up the back of his shirt so I could run my hands from the small of his back all the way up to his strong shoulders. I noticed the way it made him tremble against me, and wondered if my body had reacted the same way every time he touched me like that. “What do you think?” I whispered.

“I’ll do anything you say,” he replied, kissing the side of my neck. “By the way, there’s something I have to confess.”

“What’s that?” I asked, though I was barely able to hear anything besides blood whooshing behind my ears and his sweet breathing.

“I’ve been a vegetarian for three months.”

“Nooo!” I laughed, hugging him even tighter. “I have a confession for you, then.”

He pulled back, balancing on his elbows, gazing down in a way that made my body temperature shoot through the roof. “Yes?” he asked.

“I… Sorry, wow, this is hard to say.”

His expression turned somber. “Spring, baby, you can tell me anything. I promise.”

“Okay.” I took in a deep breath. “I ate a hamburger last month. Two, actually.”

Henry rolled off me and covered his eyes, crumpling in laughter.

I couldn’t help giggling as I watched his eyes water.

“See, Honeycutt,” he said at last, gathering me to him. “We’re more compatible than we thought.”

I kissed his cheek, his nose, his eyelids, his cranberry mouth. “And so it begins.”