Death's Saviour

Author's Song of the Chapter: Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne

Sally and Chris drive me to school in the morning, the car ride is sad and sombering. I can’t help but feel a little bit guilty that I don’t want to be sad anymore, I feel guilty that instead of having my usual nightmares about Hannah I dreamt of Dusk. Dusk has helped me forget I am supposed to be sad, Dusk who makes me smile and laugh. When Sally and Chris pull up to the drop off zone I see Carl and Perry huddled together as they wait for me, Carl has been my best friend for as long as I can remember, Perry, on the other hand, I have only known for a few years since he moved here and even then I really don’t know much about his past. Perry wouldn’t tell us why he moved here, only that it was to get a new start after something horrible. I’ll be honest, I didn’t like Perry much at first but he grew on me the more time we spent together and now we are the three amigos as Hannah used to call us. I wonder what she would think of us, Dusk, my thoughts swim back to her words about her brother and how he goes to this school. Her brother is the reason she couldn’t be here with me today, but, I know where to go if I need to find her, I even packed an extra pair of jeans and that sweater for her if need be.

“Are you going to be okay Noah? You know if you don’t want to go today you don’t have to, we could arrange something for you.” Sally’s voice reaches into my mind from the front seat as she looks from the school to me in the mirror and I realize I’ve been silently starting at the school.

“It’s been long enough, I need to do this, Hannah would want me to!” I explain as I give them a small smile before climbing from the car as I can see Chris giving me those we need to talk eyes.

I escape from them and they drive away leaving me standing in the windy day. Today there is no summer weather that we had been feeling lately if anything it is cold weather that carries the threat of rain or snow. Carl and Perry stand and wait for me as I climb up the stairs towards them, Carl is my age but Perry is a year younger than us, though they are both probably smarter and wiser than me.

“Hey man, how are you doing?” Carl questions me as I join them where they stand, I suppress a groan.

I don’t need sad from them too, but this has been our routine since Hannah disappeared so I can’t blame him.

“I’m good. I have a lot to fill you in on at lunch, do we have the same lunch periods?” I ask in a small excited voice, Carl and Perry share a look that annoys me as they pull out their schedules.

“Third?” Carl asks causing both Perry and I to nod, the excitement in me rises, I can’t wait to tell them about Dusk.

“Hannah’s locker is right through the front doors, lots of students have put things all around it. Are you ready for that?” Perry questions me in an unusually overly kind tone.

A small pinch in my heart tells me no, I may not want to be sad anymore, but I still haven’t had any closer over Hannah. After meeting Dusk, I know I am ready to finally admit that Hannah isn’t going to come back. Yet, it still hurts that I may never know what happened to her if she is alive or dead.

“That girl Fiona’s locker has probably got memorial in front of it too, at least Hannah’s isn’t the only one.” I try to say in a light tone, but sadness weighs me down that I am going to be reminded of Hannah constanlty, every corner will hold her and her memory.

Carl and Perry give a small nod as the first bell rings and we move into the school. Instantly I know which locker Hannah’s is, the memorial spills into the hallway and onto the lockers around it. This school was Hannah’s place, she ruled it, it was her kingdom. I reach into my pocket and look for my locker number to distract myself from the sadness that is flooding the hallway. My gaze darts up to the locker next to Hannah’s and my heart sinks. I know I must have paled because Carl snatches the paper from my hands shaking his head as he reads it.

“You can have my locker man, it’s on the second floor at the very end of the hall,” Carl tells me as he takes my locker number and combo from me to switch it out for his.

I nod but I can’t swallow, this place is drowning me as there is pressure against my chest. I’m not going to lie I miss Hannah. I’ve been trying to start to accept that she is gone and gone for good, it only hurts me more to see this. It hurts me to know that other people hold onto her tighter than I do, I was the one who was the closest to her. These people would call me horrible if they knew what I felt and how I wished they would stop mourning her, she is gone, that is a fact. Even if Hannah is alive she has moved on and so should we. The urge to run and not look back digs into my stomach causing me to feel like throwing up. I try to catch my breath as suddenly my heart races, but I can’t and my eyes flicker around the hallway. Weirdly enough I meet Crane’s eyes, he stares at me from the corner of the hallway where he leans, his eyes are bloodshot as he looks at me and I look at him. I can’t take it anymore, I move away from Carl and Perry in slow motion. I know I’m running but it feels like I’m walking as my breath comes out in ragged gasps as I think I’m dying. I can’t breathe, I run by a teacher standing outside of his door and he calls my name. Carl who was following me stops at the teacher to explain as I throw open the back doors, Carl’s lips move but I don’t hear the words he says. I can’t be here, there is too much sadness, too much pain, everywhere I’m going to look I will see Hannah. I don’t look back once outside as I cross the soccer fields and enter the forest as I keep running. I shouldn’t be here it’s dangerous, but it feels right. I run until I come across a tree with a hollowed-out base, there I fall and hide crumpled into that hollow. I try to breathe and tears break free streaming down my face.

’Breath!’ - A voice whispers through my mind, I hold onto it.

…

I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here beneath this tree but my tears dried up not long ago and I can finally breathe. It feels so good to breathe because I know, I know that was the last time I would ever mourn Hannah in such manner. Hannah has left a space in my chest that I don’t think will ever be replaced but, it feels good to know I am done being sad. I am done mourning. Hannah is gone, and I am finally okay with that, I can live with it. I’m drawn out of my thoughts when something moves on the ridge above the hollow where I lay curled in a ball. I can hear movement and suddenly my heart thrums against my chest at a panicked rate. If I’ve been found by the white furs I could be in a lot of trouble. I squeeze my eyes shut while trying to calm my heartbeat because they will sense my fear. Suddenly the thing jumps down from the ridge and my eyes fly open as it lands in front of me, my fear remains for a few seconds as all I can see is a big black creature. The creature turns to me and I recognize it as a wolf, I look up as Dusk’s eyes meet mine, her nose moves over me as she sniffs me before falling into human form before me.

“Noah are you okay?” Dusk asks, her voice gravely fresh from shifting as her vocal cords work to make her herself again.

“Yeah, the school was too sad. I’m glad to see you, you worried me for a minute there.” I tell her in a light tone as she crouches in front of me while her eyes look me over for any sign of injuries.

Dusk doesn’t laugh or even smile at the small joke I’ve cracked, instead, she looks at me in that intense way that makes my body tingle. Suddenly her eyes fall and a deep sadness pools in them, I try not to groan because I can’t do any more sadness. I thought Dusk would be able to make me feel better, to make me feel like I’m not drowning in it all. I stand wiping my pants off as I turn away from her, well if she is only going to make me feel sadder then I might as well head back to school.

“Where are you going?” Dusk asks from behind me as she still crouches where moments ago I sat.

“Back to school, I’ve let her go Dusk. I’ve let Hannah go, and I thought you would be the only one who would see that and be able to smile with me. I’m so sick of being sad, I’m so sick of always being in mourning Dusk!” I call over my shoulder as I continue forwards trying to determine which way I came from.

“Noah!” Dusk calls out and there is something about her voice that makes me stop dead in my tracks, I turn around to look at her.

I swallow when Dusk says nothing after that, a deep feeling of dread settles into my heart as she looks at me with such sad green eyes.

“I wasn’t going to show you until after you were done school but, if you have let her go then there is something I have to show you,” Dusk tells me her voice barely above a whisper when it reaches my ears.

Dusk shifts, I automatically move back to her. I know this is urgent and it needs to be dealt with, Dusk wouldn’t be this off if it wasn’t something important. This is obviously something that has both of us full of dread and unwanted emotions. When I reach her, I understand Dusk is no normal sized wolf, her head comes up to mine so her eyes meet mine directly as her shoulders stand a little above mine. Dusk leans one shoulder down while crouching so I can lift my leg up and swing myself onto her spine, so her shoulder blades are not digging into my legs. I bury my hands into her furs as she stands. This should be a happy moment for me, a moment I can hold onto forever, when she takes off running I am able to let go of that sadness and dread that was weighing me down. When Dusk runs I am flying, or floating, over the world. Everything is a colourful blur of motion around me, everything is so wonderful from this point of view. My hands ache for my paintbrushes that I have moved up into that room at Sally and Chris’s. I realize I need to make it back to school for my last period, it is art and I am insanely inspired by what I am seeing and feeling at this moment. Dusk runs for a while; the forest grows darker and thicker the farther we go. This part of the forest would be best explained as the untouched depths by humans, this part of the forest that was made for those like me and Dusk who were lost. We have forgotten ourselves but now we are finding each other. Eventually Dusk slows down to a trot as she takes m into a clearing that has beautiful rose bushes surrounding it. I dodge the rose bushes as we move through them until my heart completely stalls out in my chest. Dusk stops here and I’m not ready, I thought I was, but I could never truly be ready for this. Three rocks line the clearing and each represents a grave, three graves. Two of the stones are rather old and overgrown with wild grass and vines, the third is newer. It is only a year old as the grass is shorter and the rock in better condition. My heart clenches as I read the name carved into it.

‘Here lies Hannah Hill, the girl with the biggest heart, the widest smile, and the best of friend anyone could have asked for.’ I read her gravestone and as soon as the words are read I crumble to the ground for the second time today.

This is Hannah’s grave, Hannah is buried here, Hannah is dead. I cried out all my tears already so all I can do is place my hand on her tombstone and stare. I can feel Dusk moving behind me as she goes to the other two gravestones. I should look at them, but I can’t tear my gaze away from Hannah’s. I can’t believe she is gone, I mean I knew in my heart she was, but I still had some hope that maybe she was alive somewhere.

“I came to visit my parents this morning and I found that. I don’t remember how she died Noah but, I remember now I buried her here because she never told me where I could find you or her family. I buried her where I thought it would be safe and I thought she would be safe. I buried her with my parents and I prayed she would find them, that they could look out for her. My aunt found this, I think you should have it!” Dusk explains her voice breaking as she holds her hand out to me.

I stare at the locket Dusk holds, it’s one that I gave to Hannah for her sixteenth birthday. I take it from Dusk’s hand and hold it my own as Dusk shifts and goes to lay by the other two headstones. The locket is in good condition except for the chain is a little bent in a couple of places. I pop the locket open to find the photo I placed inside for Hannah still intact, it is a picture of her and me on our first date. I hold the locket close as a deep sense of weird relief goes through me, relief that Hannah isn’t out somewhere begging for help, a sense of relief that she isn’t just another body in the woods somewhere. No, Hannah found a good friend in Dusk, like a good friend Dusk, took Hannah and buried her somewhere that she would be remembered and safe. I notice a small little piece of something sticking out from behind the picture of Hannah’s locket. Carefully I slip the picture out and a second one comes with it. I pick this picture up and a small smile lights my lips. This is a picture of Dusk and Hannah sitting on some rocks with the sunset in the background, they are both smiling their true smiles and they both seem happy. I turn the picture over and find a small note in the tiniest of print.

‘If anything happens to me, this locket goes to Noah and I want you to give it to him. Noah is my everything and Dusk is my sister, so it only makes sense that it should go that way. I love you both, Hannah.’ The note reads and my heart swells.

I shift and move to Dusk where she lays. Not giving her a choice I pull her wolf form into a hug.

“Thank you, thank you for this, and for putting her someplace she would be safe and in good hands!” I whisper honestly meaning it.

Dusk’s head nods against my shoulder and I know she is grateful that I don’t hate her for not remembering what happened.

“Those other two stones, I’m so sorry,” I tell Dusk as I take a moment to finally read the other stones, I recognize they are versions of her parent’s graves.

Dusk leaves my arms and places her head against her mother’s grave before letting out a strangled howl. My ears ring but it is the most beautiful and devasting sound I have ever heard. When Dusk falls silent she slips back into human form.

“Should I get you back to school?” Dusk asks me in a kind voice, I know earlier that she wasn’t trying to make me sad, she was trying to give me that sense of peace and freedom that I wanted and didn’t find at school.

“Yeah, probably.” I sigh before we each stand.

I watch as Dusk plucks three roses, two for her parent’s graves and one for Hannah’s. I smile, Hannah loved roses, she would have been happy here and I know Hannah will understand now that I have peace I need to move forward and stop falling into the past. Dusk shifts allowing me to ride on her back again as the run to the school seems faster and I don’t like it. I can’t get over how amazing riding on Dusk’s back and being in the forest is. When I’m with Dusk in the forest it really feels like home. We stop a few meters from the school in the bushes and I slide down from Dusk’s shoulders, she moves away as I try to make my wind wild hair settle a little. I peer through the trees as I do and see that less time has passed then I thought as it seems only to be near the end of the second period. I should turn and just walk back towards the school yet, I can’t will my feet to do so. I know as soon as I step into that school I’m going to be expected to feel sad, I have finally found peace so there is no reason for me to be sad anymore, but they don’t know that. I’m thinking too much, and it shows when I feel Dusk’s fur against my back as she gives me a shove towards the edge of the forest. I turn and give her a smile, she gives me her best wolf smile. Again, my hand twitches with the need for my paintbrushes as she really is quite the sight in this form. Dusk gives me another shove towards the school and I let her do it.

“I’m going, I was just thinking about painting you!” I huff out then I slap a hand over my mouth in embarrassment as I realize I just told her I want to paint her.

Dusk makes a sound like a chuffing and I laugh when I recognize it as laughter. I’m starting to worry about the white wolves spotting us when a voice reassures me in my mind.

’The forest is safe Noah, Dusk rules it so the pack won’t dare go anywhere near it or do anything about you going into it. The most they will do are make empty threats.’ - The voice tells me and I feel more than reassured.

That is I feel reassured until Carl comes stomping into me.

“Noah man I’ve been looking everywhere for you, holy shit!” Carl speaks calmly and then stops when he spots Dusk standing near me.

I’m about to speak when Carl moves to kick his foot out and it connects right with Dusk’s nose. Dusk flinches away snarling in pain as Carl grabs my arm hauling me out of the forest and into the yard. By the time I look back over my shoulder, I catch Dusk’s smouldering furious eyes as she raises her lips over her teeth but she walks away. Carl drags me all the way into the school. He stops only to catch his breath but he doesn’t get the chance to speak to me before we are suddenly not alone.

“Caroline tells me that you went into our forest earlier, why?” A voice asks in a menacing tone near my ear startling Carl as suddenly bodies move around us as my heart drops into my stomach.

I turn to meet my speaker, but I know it is Crane and his wolves. Crane is trying to intimidate me, it used to work on me easily and I would tremble like any human in their right mind. However, after meeting Dusk and getting to know the feel of her presence I know Crane has nothing on her when it comes to being dangerous. Crane’s eyes bore into mine and Caroline stands at his side as she owns him. The rest of the group include Tucker, Sunny, and of course the only decent seeming wolf out of them, Danny. I meet Crane’s eyes steadily and stand my ground.

“I came back to school this year for Hannah, she clearly isn’t here and her locker is like a dead zone full of mourning people who didn’t even know her as I did. Sorry if I couldn’t handle that and had to get away where I didn’t want anyone to see me!” I snap my voice cracking as I speak honestly.

Crane looks at me for a second surprised by my talking back but his eyes soften making me wonder for a moment if he is relating to me since Fiona was his girlfriend. I breathe as I look at the floor and then back up at him as I know he is, I can tell.

“I’m sorry about Fiona!” I whisper-quiet enough that I hope only he hears me, and his eyes shoot to mine as a pure look of sorrow flashes over them.

Crane may be a bit of a bully in this school but at least I know this one thing about him, he loved Fiona, maybe she was the only thing he ever held close. Maybe Fiona made Crane feel grounded, maybe Fiona would have saved him from himself.

“Sorry, about Hannah,” Crane whispers beneath his breath to me when his group is occupied before he stands upright letting the gentleness in him to vanish as his eyes return to being hard dark green orbs bred for killing and bullying.

“You are just going to let him talk to us like that?” Sunny growls at Crane as she gets into his face.

“He’s in mourning, cool it Sun!” Danny spits out before the guys turn and walk by her leaving her and Caroline with Carl and me.

“Stay out of the forest!” Caroline snaps pushing me hard into the lockers before hustling after Crane.

“Hey, you okay?” Carl asks me concerned as I close my eyes and breath my back aching a bit.

Perry approaches us but his eyes turn and are on the wolves causing me to groan, Perry has always admired the wolves. In fact, he’s a bit obsessed with them.

“Yeah.” I smile a shaky smile and Carl knows it.

“Did I miss something?” Perry calls out as he reaches us.

“Did the wolves threaten you?” Perry asks concerned causing me to shake my head as I move with them both close on my heels.

We walk the rest of the way in silence as I lead them to my locker to get lunch then back down the stairs and out the back door to the benches outside. Something about Crane’s eye colours pokes at the back of my mind. On nice days people tend to gather out here to eat at the benches but on such a chilly day no one will be around, which makes it the perfect place to tell Carl and Perry about Dusk, and Hannah. When we settle down on one of the benches I try to find my wording to explain it all to them.

“Spill, that was a damn big ass black wolf back there!” Carl exclaims still shocked and I don’t know where to truly start.

“I guess I should begin where it really all started. About a week after Fiona’s funeral I was hanging out at the poetry place in the city that Hannah loved hoping to find her, I was outside in the alleyway when I saw that church blow. Something hit me and knocked me out, debris maybe, or a running dog, something. Anyways when I woke up I was laying in the alleyway and it was later as I looked around for whatever hit me and that’s when I found her. There was a girl laying in the alleyway with a huge gash mark on her forehead. This girl looked a lot like Hannah, other than she had night-black hair. Thinking it was Hannah I took her back to Sally and Chris’s house. There we waited for her to wake up, we knew she wasn’t Hannah because when she did wake up she had the brightest and deepest green eyes I’ve ever seen. This girl couldn’t remember anything except her name when she came to, Dusk. We took care of Dusk for about a week when on Friday we were outside painting in the yard when she told me some weird things. Of course, none of it made sense at first but then I put it all together when she shifted into a wolf, and not one of those white-furred wolves. Dusk is the only wolf left from the old pack we learn about in history. Sally scared her off the property with Chris’s shotgun and I thought she was gone forever. Last night I hit a low point and she reappeared, I learned some things about her and then I went to sleep and she left. When I ran from school earlier I went into the forest and I wasn’t alone, she found me. I learned that Hannah knew about Dusk since they were younger and never told me. Today Dusk found Hannah’s grave, she took me there helping me find the peace I needed over Hannah. Hannah is dead. Carl that wolf you kicked was Dusk, she had just brought me back here.” I explain right up until I have no breath left and I am gasping for air as Perry and Carl look at me with this weird expression on their faces, an expression that tells me they aren’t sure they believe.

“So, wait, this Dusk girl, she is a wolf-like the wolves here, but she isn’t. She knew about Hannah and she remembers burying her but not how she died, isn’t that a little fishy?” Perry asks me in a very serious but concerned tone and I hate him for planting that seed of doubt in my mind.

Carl pales right out and I know he fully believes me as he remembers booting Dusk.

“Dusk isn’t like the wolves here, she doesn’t share their believes. The wolves here all have white hair and fur, they all believe that the wolf is a sacred thing, so they only transform on the full moon. They let their wolves control them which is how people get killed. Dusk isn’t like that, she believes that the wolf is part of her, so she transforms whenever she feels the need to, in doing this it gives her more powers than those here.” I explain excitedly, Carl continues to frown but I know he doesn’t think I’m crazy.

“You sure you’re okay?” Perry asks me the disbelief in his tone stings like that knife did against my skin last night.

“You don’t believe m?” I question, my tone sharp and accusing because after everything I’ve been through, everything we have witnessed, I seriously thought both of my best friends would believe me.

“It’s not like we don’t believe you, Noah, it’s just this is a little far fetched even for you. Can’t you just accept that Hannah is gone instead of making up stories?” Perry speaks in a nonchalant tone as he munches on a carrot and I stiffen.

I close my eyes, when I open them again I can’t believe that one of my best friends just said that to me without batting an eye. Carl looks at Perry like he’s grown two heads and I push myself up from where I was sitting. I move out of the bench and turn to start walking to school.

“Noah, seriously man?” Perry calls after me, I whirl around on him.

“You ever say shit like that to me again and I’ll kick the shit out of you! You’re supposed to be one of my best friends and you say shit like that to me, go fuck yourself, Perry!” I snarl at him before walking away as a primal rage pumps through my veins.

I yearn just to go back into the forest where I felt so at home and Dusk made me happy. This, this school, this town, these so-called friends of mine are a walking nightmare.

‘ Paint those rose bushes, paint the graves, use that crazy inspiration you felt to create something beautiful out of this rage.’ - The voice comes into my mind and speaks strong as if it commands me to do so as I grab onto the idea.

I can’t go back into the forest, I must be strong and keep moving forward in my life. I move away leaving Carl and Perry behind as I go into the school walking with purpose-filled strides. I move quickly as I make my escape from reality. When I walk into the art room my favourite teacher looks up at me.

“Hello, Noah, how can I help you?” Mrs. Canning asks me, I feel a little bit more at ease just being around all the supplies I need.

“It’s been a rough day Mrs. Canning. I need a little bit of a stress reliever; would it be okay if I started a painting?” I ask her, and she gives me a tight little nod because I know her.

Mrs. Canning will let me have my own free rein of this class, I seriously need that right now.

I pull out my sketchbook from where I tucked it away last year and flip to a blank page. I’m in the zone and become fully lost in my own little world. I sketch away what I want to paint, I sketch the background repeatedly until finally, it starts to look and feel right. At this point, I’m so lost in my work that I don’t even notice the beginning of class.