Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

I lay under Killian’s arm, my head on his chest. His fingertips tracing shapes on my bare back. My hand splayed on his lower stomach, I felt comfort listening to his steady heartbeat.

“Can I tell you about my heart transplant?” his question shocked me but made me feel happy at the same time.

“Only if you want to tell me about it,” I smiled, my head still on his chest.

“I do,” he craned his neck down, placing a soft kiss on my temple.

“Then I am all ears.”

“So you know the issues I had with my heart. Well, I was over in London on business. I was trying to merge one of my businesses over there. I was on medication and was told to try not to elevate my stress levels but that’s easier said than done.” I heard the grunt that left him. “I was walking home, the air was crisp the night drawing in – winter was hiding just around the corner. Once I was in my hotel room, I was relaxing on the sofa flicking through the channels. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I sat up abruptly, trying to catch my breath. But the more I tried, the harder it seemed. That’s when the panic began to set in. I was all alone in a foreign country and I didn’t know what to do.” His fingers stopped their trail for the moment, “Come to think of it, I remember being exhausted but I put it down to jetlag.” I lifted my head up and looked at him. He was looking ahead as if he was remembering the events of that night.

“I called 999 and was blue lighted to the Royal London,” he stopped for a moment, I lay my head back on his chest and listened to his heart that thumped loudly. “As soon as I was in the hospital, I was rushed through and hooked up to all the machines…” his voice cracked, “Reese, I had never been so scared in all my life,” he whispered, as if it was too much for him to even speak about.

My heart hurt for him, the thought of him being that far from home.

“They spoke to my doctor about my condition, within a couple of hours I was on the transplant list. I never thought I would get lucky… I honestly thought I would have died in that hospital… all alone.”

My throat grew thick, the tears falling. I couldn’t wipe them away quick enough as they fell onto his scar. I pushed up, placing soft, butterfly kisses along his scar and my finger following my trail.

“But you didn’t… you’re here,” I beamed; my eyes still glassy as I sniffled.

“I was in that hospital for a month in total,” he stilled for a moment, his arm gripping me and holding me tight. “Then, one night my doctor came round to tell me that they had found a donor, a young man who had died that night.”

I felt myself stiffen, Killian’s grip tighter as he held me where I was.

“Once I received the transplant, I knew I had to thank his family… because if it wasn’t for the tragic loss of their son, I would have died.” His vice shook, his heat thrashed around in his chest as was mine. I couldn’t calm my breaths; they were fast and harsh as I continued listening to him.

“A month ago, after a lot of work I found his family. Donors stay anonymous, but I wanted to reach out and just say thank you.”

“What date did you receive your transplant?” I whispered, afraid to speak any louder. My eyes darted around the empty room as I waited for him to answer.

“The twentieth of October,” his voice was cool, his grip hadn’t loosened.

“The day after Elijah died,” I choked silent sobs, my tears drenching Killian’s skin.

I pushed up, turning to look at him waiting for confirmation of what I already knew.

He nodded slowly; his eyes pinned to mine before I broke out in an uncontrollable sob.

“Baby,” he soothed me, grabbing my face and kissed away my tears. “Listen to me.”

My heart felt so full and so broken at the same time. I felt constricted and confused with the emotions that were ripping through me.

“You lost a great love…”

I nodded, sniffling as the burn in my throat caused me to gasp.

“But you found a greater love in me. And I know I will never replace Elijah… I would never want to,” he held me, his lips pressing over each of my eyelids before he rested his forehead against mine.

“This heart, it still beats for you my love… it’s only ever beat for you,” he pulled back, tilting my head up to look at him, “it will always only beat for you.”

He covered his mouth with mine as the overwhelming love consumed me, making the hole that I had carried around since Elijah passed, whole again.

“I love you, Buttercup,”

I sniffed, my hands reaching up to touch his scar. My eyes lingered for a moment before my eyes found his. “But not as much as I love you, Killian.”