Daydreamer

Lucy

“Don’t you have to be in London?” I asked for what felt like the hundredth time. Felix had let himself into my shed again, armed with a caramel latte, which he knew I couldn’t resist (how he managed to get hold of one in Little Buckingham, I had no idea). I was now sitting cross-legged on my new ergonomic office chair which had arrived three days ago. My old chair had been removed and replaced within a ten-minute period – I’d actually been sitting on it at the time, but Mikey and Felix had simply lifted me off the chair and onto the new one, totally ignoring my surprised protests. I was still pretending to be disgruntled – there was no way I was admitting that the new chair was actually super comfortable and way better for my back. It was also the exact colour and make I wanted – as was the wallpaper, newly installed, and the small sofa and throw cushions and the rug on the floor. Someone had clearly been snooping on my Pinterest account.

Felix smiled. “I told you – I’m working remotely. Vicky is more than capable of running the show for the moment, especially with Lottie helping her.”

“Have you seen your mum?” I said softly, and his smile dropped. I knew Felix was staying at the pub, and I also knew that would not have gone down well with Bianca Moretti.

“Yeah, a couple of times, when he’s been in London.”

Felix’s dad was a real piece of work. I rarely saw him around the village and had never had much contact with him as a child, apart from those few times I heard him shouting at Felix. Once it had been over the only B grade Felix got in his GCSEs. I mean, the boy achieved the highest possible marks in all the other nine subjects, but his arsehole dad stormed over to our little cottage and lost his shit at sixteen-year-old Felix for that one result. There was a moment when I thought Mr Moretti was actually going to hit Felix, but then Felix had puffed up his chest and stood to his full over six-foot height, muttering, “Try it, old man,” under his breath. My brother had also decided to stand next to Felix and cross his arms over his already substantial chest, and Mr Moretti backed off. It was the first time I’d ever heard my mum swear after she slammed the cottage door in his face. The level of vitriol coming off a father towards his son was so high it stuck with me. Mum absolutely hated the man.

“Is… she okay?” I asked Felix. Bianca Moretti had always seemed a little fragile to me. She was very glamorous but highly strung. She made a big show of how much she loved Felix, but in my opinion, if she really cared about her son, she would never have allowed him to be exposed to his father’s aggression.

He shrugged. “She’s fine. Upset that I won’t stay at the house, but she knows I’m not ever going to risk breathing the same air as that bastard again, so she’ll have to accept it.”

I sighed. “Felix, you should just go back to London. I know you hate it here.”

Felix frowned. “I hate my father, not Little Buckingham. There’s a difference. The office is fine with me working remotely for a bit. And anyway, Legolas would miss me.” Legolas was standing next to him with his head on his lap. He was allowed in the office when Felix was in residence – his love for Felix distracted him from eating my work.

Felix blew out a breath and then pulled off his jumper. My mouth went dry at the brief glimpse of his abs and then his glorious, muscled biceps straining his t-shirt. When I managed to drag my eyes back up to his face, he was smirking at me with one eyebrow raised. Even that was sexy. It was completely unfair how attractive the bastard was. His gorgeousness, combined with the steady and relentless campaign to cater to my every need, was slowly chipping away at my resolve.

I would have suspected that the arm and stomach porn he’d displayed was intentional to drive me to distraction, but to be fair to him it was at least twenty-five degrees in the shed. Felix had not only installed proper electricity and a heating system, but also had the shed clad from the outside to make it completely insulated and watertight. It was slightly ridiculous really. I was too stubborn to move out of the shed, so he’d just reworked everything around me. It would probably have been vastly easier for all involved if there wasn’t a small hermit refusing to leave in the mix as they renovated it, but somehow Felix made it work. And, if I was honest, I did feel better. I was eating now; my ribs weren’t protruding in that scary way. The frost nip had completely resolved. I didn’t have the back pain anymore. Mum had stopped looking so worried. Mike had stopped his relentless hovering.

If we’d still been together, Felix would have teased me and asked if I was “quite finished checking out the gun show?” But he was more careful around me now, more wary. So, he wiped the smirk off his face and let me blush without commenting.

“Luce,” he said gently, and my eyes went back to his, “have you thought anymore about the signing?” I looked away from him and down into my lap. Yes, I felt guilty, but I just couldn’t face all those people. Peopling was hard for me at the best of times but now I just didn’t feel safe anymore. After what happened with Will the anxiety had slowly built rather than improve. I mean, Emily had dragged me out to the pub last night, and even that had felt difficult at first. I wouldn’t have gone but she basically turned up at the house and kidnapped me.

“I’ve got a bloody babysitter and I need a pint with my best mate,” she’d snapped as she frog-marched me out of the house with Mum waving us off. “You can turtle away on your own time.”

Of course, when we got there, as well as Emily’s husband Pete, Mike and Felix had appeared. Emily had gradually softened to Felix over the last two weeks. I think she’d become so worried about me that any reinforcements to pull me out of my funk were welcomed. She still called him a “poncy city wanker”, but then again she might well have done that anyway, even without what he did to me.

Once we were sitting at one of the tables and I was flanked by Emily and three huge men, my heart rate settled, and I started to feel like I could cope. The Badger’s Sett isn’t exactly the most ram jam pub, but it was a Saturday and there were a fair few punters. I’d jumped at a glass falling on the floor and then, to my annoyance, my hand had shook as I picked up my glass, so much I had to put it down again. Felix was next to me, and when my hand went back to my lap, he reached subtly under the table and laid his over mine. This was a running theme with Felix. He seemed to know the exact moments when I needed contact like this. The feel of his large, warm hand on mine slowed my racing heart and stopped the shakes. It stayed there for the next hour. If the others noticed, they didn’t say anything. And at the end of the night, Felix walked me home, still holding my hand, but didn’t push it any further.

This new Felix, the one who looked at me like I was the most precious thing on earth, the one with endless patience, the one who just seemed to want to be with me in whatever way he could, support me however I would allow – this Felix was very gradually winning my trust, but something was still holding me back.

“I’m not doing the signing,” I said. “I’ve told Madeline, and I just can’t go through with it.”

“And the meeting for the Netflix deal?”

I swallowed and looked down at my lap where I was cradling my coffee. My voice was small when I spoke again. “I just don’t think I can…” I trailed off, searching for an explanation that Felix would understand, but that was a feat in itself. How could I explain that I just wanted to hide away from the world and that the potential exposure the Netflix deal presented terrified me? To Felix – the ultimate businessman, only concerned with the bottom line, fearless and alpha and commanding – I would seem pathetic. I was pathetic. “I’m not strong enough to cope with that much exposure,” I admitted. “I know it’s weak, but⁠—”

“That’s bullshit,” Felix snapped. “You’re one of the strongest people I know. It’s not weak to be naturally shy. It’s not weak to be wary after what happened and to want to hide.” He leaned forward then, sitting on the edge of the sofa so that he was only inches away from me in the chair, his beautiful dark eyes focused on me so intently it made me feel like the centre of his whole universe. Having Felix’s full, intense attention was a rush like no other. “But the time for hiding is over now, Luce. You’re not going to let this opportunity pass you by. It’s my fault you were hurt…” his voice broke over the last words and I felt my chest tighten.

“Felix, you’re not responsible for what Will did. That’s on him.”

“I am responsible for not listening to you before it happened and after. I should have seen him for what he was, but I was so wrapped up in my own narrative of how I could be humiliated again, just like I was with my ex.”

I sighed. “Felix, you won’t even tell me what happened with her. You don’t even trust me enough for that.”

Two flags of red appeared on his cheekbones and he swallowed, looking away from me for a moment. “Nobody knows what happened apart from your brother.”

“Mikey?”

Felix shook his head. “Look, I promise I will tell you. I want to tell you. But it’s so sordid. I can’t go down that road yet with you. But just know that it clouded my judgment. I let my pride blind me to everything else. And that’s not the only time I didn’t listen. I should have taken your advice about the office environment. I should have realised what an asset you actually were to the company.” I tilted my head to the side. What had happened to him? My heart clenched at the thought of someone hurting him but I could see he wasn’t ready to share anything more at the moment.

“Felix,” I said through a small smile, “I was crap at my job.”

He huffed. “Listen, I know now that you were helping Vanessa. So, no you weren’t crap. Not at the creative side. Not at the advertising side. Yes, organisational skills and business bullshit aren’t your bag, but I was so focused on trying to make you into the perfect assistant that I lost sight of who you are. I forgot about all your strengths. And I believed that fucking prick over you.”

The absolute agony in Felix’s voice was almost painful to hear. I couldn’t bear it anymore. So, I put my mug on my desk and leaned forward to lay my hands over his.

“Okay yes, you could have listened. But I wasn’t honest with you. I was hurt that you didn’t obsess over me like I did over you, that you hadn’t asked Mikey anything about me, and so I didn’t tell you about the books. I didn’t tell you that I was helping the advertising team. You didn’t have all the information. That’s not your fault. Felix, even without everything that’s happened, I’m still a big wimp.”

“No, Lucy, that’s not⁠—”

“Felix,” I said firmly. “I would still be a big girl’s blouse about doing the signing and the Netflix deal. That’s just who I am.”

“You can’t say big girl’s blouse,” Felix said. “That’s sexist. I’m seriously into all the feminism stuff now – TBea’s sorted me out.” Crikey, things really had moved on at the office. “Listen, just try the signing first. Netflix can wait.” He turned my hands over in his and slid his fingers over my palm. I fought down a shiver at his touch.

“I don’t⁠—”

“Think of all those readers, love,” he said softly. It was a double-pronged attack – using an endearment and making me feel guilty about my loyal fanbase. “They’re dying to see you again.”

I looked away from his intense gaze for a moment and felt my cheeks heat again. “It won’t be like at Harry’s building. There’ll be so many of them at that large of an event,” I said in a near-whisper. “I just don’t think I can cope with those numbers.” Then my voice dropped even lower, and Felix had to lean forward to make out what I was saying. “I’m scared they’ll be disappointed. That’ll be the real let-down – meeting me.”

“You would not be a letdown,” Felix said, his voice all growly with anger. The growly quality of his voice combined with the arm porn was making me feel a little lightheaded. My gaze dropped to his mouth, and I leaned towards him just a little more. Only an inch or so separated us now. When I looked up into his eyes his pupils were so dilated that there was only a rim of dark brown left around the edges. One of his hands let go of mine and came up to my jaw, his fingers sliding up from my neck to behind my ear. As my lips parted and my eyes started to close, he pulled back abruptly. I swayed in my seat at the sudden loss of him. He stood from his chair and paced to the door and back again.

“Right,” he muttered. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean to—” He glanced at me. My cheeks felt like they were on fire now and I could feel a confused frown forming as I looked up at him. He pointed at me. “You need time,” he told me. “I promised that I—” He broke off to look out of the window, his jaw clenched so tight that a muscle started ticking there. “Listen, Luce. I’ll be your assistant at the signing, okay? I’ll make sure everything runs smoothly. That you’re not overwhelmed.”

My eyebrows went up. “You’re going to assist me?” The concept didn’t really compute in my brain. Felix as my assistant? Was that even possible? But thinking of the signing, of all those people, imagining myself there with Felix by my side didn’t evoke quite the level of panic it had before.

“Well, I mean, if you want me to, I will,” he said, then rushed on, “but Luce, it doesn’t have to be me. Anyone would come with you – Emily, Vicky, Lottie, Mike, even Bucks would do it. God knows your agent would – that woman scares the crap out of me. I doubt she’d put up with you being made to feel uncomfortable. I know you might not trust me yet. The point is that it’s not something you have to do on your own.”

I looked at Felix then, at his earnest expression, and something deep inside me that had become twisted, something I didn’t even realise had been causing me pain released.

“I want you there,” I said with quiet conviction. “Just you.”