SWNOVELS Chapter Facing Reality
Felix
Where tf did you go
Why’d you run away?
Please come back tomorrow night. We want you here.
Fee, please come see us. Nobody is mad at you.
They’re transferring Mew to Greenpoint up near us. He’ll be there tomorrow. No excuses, come visit
Mew got his breathing tube removed
We miss you, Fee <3
Are you okay? You shouldn’t be alone rn
Open your front door. I know you heard me knocking
You’re acting like a dick rn, seriously
Sorry, that was bitchy of me. Goldie and I miss you
Barty woke up some. Dr Aponte said he’s healing well.
Oh, that’s the dr Akiya sent from Mazerene. Which you’d know if you were here.
Detective Elliot, I’ve been asked by Cadence and Marigold to check on you. I assured them you’ve been responding to emails and are still alive; however, as your boss and an acquaintance who is also growing concerned: please respond to them. Isolating yourself and feeling as though you’re to blame for what happened to Detective Palmer is neither healthy nor productive. Please know you are not alone.
Felix, it’s been over a week now. Mew’s healing. You need to come by.
Bossman, I’m worried about you. Akiya said he texted you and you didn’t answer. Plz respond
We need you. Please talk to us. I don’t know what else to do. Barty would want you to talk to us, and you know he would. Love you.
It was Cadence at my front door. Third time that week. She was sniffling.
My forehead touched the front door, hand on the knob.
“I know you’re there. You’re not as sneaky as you think you are.” Was she crying? “Please, Fee. Goldie and I can’t get through this without you. We don’t blame you for what happened. You don’t need to see him, but at least see me.”
I swallowed. My eyes burnt, squeezed so tightly that I saw sunbursts.
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me. I have an overnight bag and snacks.” There was a thump, then a slide, her body moving down the door. “Usually, this time of year, Mew and I are prepping for our Friendsgiving. It’s in two days. My friends have been asking about it because we’ve done it every year for eight years. This year, though, I haven’t even thought about it. None of them know about Mew, and I don’t want to tell them.”
I was seated, back against the door.
“You and Goldie are my only friends who know. I can’t talk to anyone else. Goldie suggested therapy, but I don’t want to hear someone who doesn’t know me or my brother tell me shit about us. So I need you, Fee. Please.”
She fell into me when I opened the door. She scrambled so that she was on her knees, arms thrown around my neck, holding me to her like I was her lifeline.
“I’m sorry for not considering your feelings,” I said into her hair. “I was afraid.”
“You dummy, you’re my BFFL” she said, cupping my face in her hands. “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”
“He could have died because of me, Cadence. I didn’t understand that until I was there, feeling his blood on me.” My lip wobbled. “Your brother could have died, and it would have been my fault.”
She shook her head, streaks of tears down her face. “You and Goldie saved him. If you two hadn’t been there, he would have died. Goldie said you got there right in time to save him. All his doctors said the same thing. You can’t blame yourself for any of this, Fee.” Her hand swiped at the globs of tears coming from me. “Mew’s alive because of you and Goldie.”
“It doesn’t feel like a win, though.”
“It doesn’t have to right now. But it will when you see him. He’s improving better than we expected. He was able to drink some yesterday, and he’s able to whisper a little bit. Said everything hurts like a bitch.” She had that same fragile smile Mew wore when he was being coy. “Are you gonna invite me in, or are we gonna stay out in the cold all night?”
The guilt was still heavy over the following week. Marigold and Cadence being at my house most of the time helped disguise it. They had invited Akiya and Evander over for a small Thanksgiving dinner, and although Evander and I couldn’t eat anything, everything Cadence made smelled amazing. Even the vegan macaroni and cheese.
Cade spent her day at the hospital with Mew, doing her work on her laptop and taking advantage of the 24/7 visitor hours.
Goldie was up to completing small tasks, dealing with petty misdemeanors that only involved citations. She was relieved on the day I told her that Richard had been indicted of attempted murder, conspiracy, and aiding first-degree murder. It meant she could finally spend a few days reporting the news to the families of the victims, informing them that justice would be given on behalf of their loved ones.
Every evening that Goldie was done with her tasks, she’d come back to my house to do her paperwork on her laptop and keep me company while I debriefed over Skype with everyone else. Although she kept claiming it was an accident, she’d fall asleep on the couch next to me, and I’d carry her to the guestroom at about three in the morning once I finished my own duties.
The company was welcomed.
She never said I had to visit Mew. She didn’t press me on my feelings about it. I was sure she and Cadence had discussed it and decided it was better to leave me be for the time being.
That silence only lasted about four days.
“He’s asking about you now,” Cade said to me, thumb rapidly moving across her phone screen. “He’s hurt that you haven’t seen him yet.”
Goldie peeked over the top of her book, reading my expression. She brought the book further up to cover her face. “You should—”
“I know,” I mumbled. “I will when he’s out.”
“You’re going to stress him out more if you do that,” Cadence said. “He just texted me and said, ‘tell him to get here ASAP or I’m buying a supply of cheese and chocolate to eat in front of him’. I assume you know what that means.”
My lips twitched. “Yeah.”
“He also said you’ve been ignoring his texts, too. Not being a super boyfriend right now, you know.”
I grimaced. Cadence wasn’t wrong. A good partner would have been there as frequently as possible.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at his contact photo without feeling guilt.
“I can go with you if you—”
I shook my head. “It’s been three weeks. I need to go.”
The nurse at Greenpoint gave no problems, printing off a guest sticker for me and directing me towards Mew’s room. It was nine at night, and the hospital was quiet. Within patient rooms, there were TVs and people whispering to one another. A woman’s laugh sounded off down the hallway.
Bread and coffee hit my senses when I turned a corner.
My feet carried me faster.
Dryness threatened my throat.
Room 442.
The door was cracked.
I barely knocked before a raspy voice called, “get your ass in here”.
He was bundled in the thin hospital blankets, covered up to his morning sun eyes.
A real sunrise could never compete with the beauty of his eyes.
“Decided to grace me with your presence, I see.” The blanket muffled his voice. Without the blanket, though, his voice was still raw, a mild breathiness to it that wasn’t there before.
My chest tightened.
“I wish I could kick your ass. Lucky for you, they put me on my pain killers a few minutes ago.” He pulled his blanket down to his chin. His pallor wasn’t as bright as usual, the dim lighting of the hospital room impeding it more. A light layer of stubble spread across his jaw and chin. “What took you so long to come by?”
I stood there like an idiot, silence gripping me. It had been difficult expressing how I felt to Cadence and Goldie.
Telling Mew everything was going to be impossible.
“It wasn’t intentional.”
“What the fuck ever. You dodged my calls and texts. Cade said you barely talked to her until last week.” When he coughed, his face twisted in pain, and he burrowed his face back into the blankets. I took a step back from him.
He was quiet for a few moments, his breathing deep. I wanted to curl up into myself and hide from him.
“Come sit next to me before this shit puts me to sleep,” he whispered, pulling his legs closer to his torso. “You owe me, like, three weeks of being together.” His blinking was slower as he said it.
I sat in the chair beside his bed.
It wasn’t good enough. He slapped the bed languidly.
I obliged, sitting beside him. I was at home being so close to him.
“Did you stay awake for me?”
“Of course I did. Cade said you were coming. I didn’t wanna miss my boyfriend.” He looked at me pointedly. “If that’s what you are.”
I pursed my lips to stop the stupid grin and grabbed his hand over the covers. “Yeah. It’s what I am.”
He snickered. “Maybe we can spend more than a day or two together before I get snatched away by somethin’ stupid.”
“I’d like to take you on a real date for once, too.”
“I prefer dates at your place. You can be yourself there.”
“What if I wanted to show you off?”
“I literally haven’t brushed my hair since the day I got back from Hell, and there’s a cut the size of the Savannah River on my throat. I would be showing you off.” A hint of a smile. “I’d be the one showing you off, regardless.”
My hand squeezed his tighter. “How are you healing?”
I didn’t want to ask it, unwilling to face the damage I had caused. But I couldn’t avoid it forever, not if I wanted to be around him as much as one could possibly be around another being.
He licked his upper lip and revealed his throat.
It was still wrapped in gauze and bandages, hiding most of his long, slender neck. The image of drinking from him flashed so quickly in my mind that I barely registered it.
“The stitches come out in about a week. I can go home in a few days after they’re sure the skin is closing.” His fingers grazed the dressing. “Hopefully you didn’t like me yelling too much. That’s basically over.”
I reached out to his face, running my thumb along his cheek. His stubble tickled my finger. “I like it better when you talk to me in that low voice of yours. It’s warm.”
He smirked and closed his eyes, leaning into my hand. His body seemed to deflate. “You’re too good for me.”
I scoffed. “I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to beat yourself up while you’re in the hospital.”
“I’m not. I’m just saying, you’re. . .” He paused. “Too damn good, Felix Elliot.”
It was difficult to not stare at him. It was weird, I know. But he was alive. A little battered, but alive. His skin was still hot to the touch. I heard his heartbeat and the rush of blood within him. His eyelids fluttered, those long, dark eyelashes creating shadows in the permanent bags beneath his eyes.
Emotions bubbled up again.
He must have felt me trembling, blinking himself awake. “Hey, you okay?”
“You’re alive.”
“I’m alive.”
“And you don’t want to break up because of me not being able to—”
“Felix. No. You’re gonna be stuck with me for a while.” He scooted over some, making space, and held the blankets up as best as he could. “Lay down with me for a little bit. The nurses can’t say shit because Dr. Aponte said to leave me alone unless it was necessary.”
I did as requested, removing my shoes and curling up against him. His arm wrapped around my waist. He kissed the top of my head.
When our bodies were melded together like this, all I could think was, I love him, I love him, I love him.