SWNOVELS Collided: Chapter 32
I stroll into the Bandini pit garage, finding Maya and Noah making out while Sophie has her back turned.
“I hope you realize I have better things to do than wait around while Noah shoves his tongue down your throat.” Sophie’s voice carries over the loud activity of the pit garage.
Maya groans before pushing Noah off her. She heads toward Sophie, who has yet to notice me.
“Hey, man. What’s up?” Noah’s voice prompts Sophie to turn around.
My chest tightens at the sight of her scowl before she turns back toward Maya.
“I want to steal Sophie away for a moment.” I brush off the way Maya looks at me with shocked eyes.
Sophie turns on her heel and exits the garage. I follow as she leads the way, her blonde space buns shining under the sun as she takes up a spot next to the pit wall.
She looks at me with a bored expression. “You needed something?”
“Don’t be that way. Please.”
“Like what? An ex-lover? Why not, when I fit the role so well, filling Claudia’s shoes and then some.”
It takes everything in me not to growl. “Do not compare yourself to her. Ever. You know it’s not like that between us.”
“Last time I checked, it looks very much like that, except I didn’t throw a shoe at you because I’m not batshit crazy.”
“No, you’re not. Like I said, I really like you and I care a lot about you. If you don’t want to have sex, fine. But don’t pull the plug on our friendship because you’re afraid of me.”
Her eyes glisten, her only tell of distress. “I’m not afraid of you. I pity you. You’ll have to live with regret when I move on. And I will, eventually. But love takes time, a concept you don’t understand, let alone empathize.”
I ignore the burning sensation in my chest at the thought of her with someone else. “Then why are you ignoring my calls and texts? If you’re not afraid?”
“Because thinking about you makes my heart ache in ways I didn’t think possible. Because I’m weak around you and I’d give in to one last time between us. But most importantly, because I love you and you stomped all over my dream of ever feeling that back from you.” Sophie whispers the last sentence, nearly gutting me.
Silence greets us like an unwelcome third party. I don’t know what to say, let alone how to express myself. Fear eats away at my strength, aware that I want to be everything for Sophie but knowing I can’t.
Sophie scoffs, not giving me a chance to say anything. “You know what? Fuck this. Screw love, screw people controlling me, and screw me for being so fucking gullible.”
She storms off toward the Bandini offices, a flustered Maya following behind her.
Noah strolls up to my side. “Maya and I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she wanted to check on her friend.”
I roll my eyes. “Of course, you both did. Did you come here to offer some wise advice now that you’re in a happy relationship?”
“Cut your shit, Liam. Don’t be a dick to me when I’m offering to help you. I never loved my best friend, and I never thought of having a girl version in the first place. The closest person to a friend is Maya, and we know how that ended up.” He fights his smile.
It’s an unfamiliar sight on him, his broodiness replaced with a lightness I didn’t think he had in him. I despise it because I want that for myself, but I can’t because I’m a selfish shit. Losing Sophie while securing a McCoy contract doesn’t feel as good as I would’ve hoped.
Noah ignores my stewing emotions. “Anyway, you went about things differently, like usual. But honestly, man, you’re fucking up by not trying out a real relationship. If I could, I’d kick myself in the balls months ago for not giving my relationship with Maya a chance sooner. For not confronting my fears and moving past my self-centered ways. Instead, I caused her pain. All I’m saying is I’m lucky she gave me a fucking chance because now I can’t picture ever going back to our old lifestyle.”
“Well, if Sophie keeps avoiding me, I guess I’ll be ruling next season with Jax by my side.”
Noah shakes his head. “Don’t be an idiot. What’s holding you back? For fucking real this time?”
“To start, she’s moving back to Milan once the season ends, and I’m going to commit to a team.”
“I’ll let you in on a secret Maya told me today about your girl.” Noah scans our surroundings before leaning in closer.
“What’s that?”
“Sophie dropped out of her program. After Germany, she withdrew from her classes but didn’t tell anyone. She and Maya had a sleepover last night, wine included, which made Sophie a chatty one.”
“What? Why would she do that? And why didn’t she tell me anything about it?” I wheeze.
“That’s not for me to answer. But no one knows, so don’t say anything. I’m telling you to prove a point and show you how you’re making decisions based on old news.”
“And my contract deal?”
Noah’s brow lifts. “That shit again? Don’t you get bored of the drama with your team? I personally wouldn’t want to hang around the squad of my ex-fling, but maybe that’s me and my prideful self. If a team told me I had to choose between Maya and them, I don’t know if I’d be too willing to hang around. And not only because of her. Manipulative fuckers don’t do it for me, no matter how shiny their cars are or how enticing the deals look. Maybe you need to reassess your worth.”
“I’m not trying to stay without changing the deal.”
Noah runs a hand through his hair. “Have you tried talking to your agent?”
“Yes. Obviously. But he keeps telling me to hold on.” I let out a frustrated breath.
Noah’s eyes thin. “Listen, something doesn’t seem right here. I don’t know if it’s your bullshit about not loving Sophie or the fact that no other team expressed interest in you besides the bottom ones. I recommend figuring out what to do about your feelings and your future because—newsflash—that shit is intertwined whether you want to accept it or not. I suggest finding solutions rather than creating more problems because you might regret it when other people start making decisions for you.”
“Thanks for listening.” I pull him in for a hug and slap him on the back.
“Don’t thank me until you go and get Sophie back. Then I know I did my job right.”
Sophie loves me. She went against every goddamn rule and admitted she likes me as more than a friend. I broke us beyond repair, unable to face the emotions brewing inside of me.
My body sinks into the cushions of my hotel room’s couch as I call my dad, desperate for someone to talk to.
My dad answers on the third ring. He automatically clicks the FaceTime button, not leaving room for hiding. “Hey, how’s it going? We didn’t think you’d have time to call us with all that Abu Dhabi partying. What a treat.”
I don’t miss the us. Turns out, I get a two-for-one special of both parents listening to my struggles.
“I need advice.” I run a shaky hand through my hair.
“About?” My dad’s voice sounds through the speaker.
“I think I fucked up with Sophie.”
“Oh, no. Please tell me you didn’t,” my mom whines, appearing in the camera frame.
“What do you mean?” I choke on the words.
“You broke her heart, didn’t you?” my dad grumbles.
“Why don’t you assume she broke mine?” It annoys me how they paint me as the bad guy here when Sophie went against our agreement.
My dad gives a what the fuck look. “Because yours is surrounded by a block of ice while she displays hers like those graphic tees she loves.”
“What the fuck. I didn’t call to get my ass handed to me.”
“No. You called to have someone validate your decisions. Tell me, why do you think you messed up?” My mom takes up a spot next to my dad on their living room couch.
“To start, she admitted she loves me when I didn’t ask her to do that. Second, she canceled our friendship after I didn’t admit the same feelings. How the fuck is that okay?” I run an agitated hand down my face.
My dad lets out a low whistle. “How do you expect her to want to spend time with you after she was vulnerable like that?”
I all but growl as I tug on my hair.
“Liam, dear. We sheltered you and ignored your poor decisions. We didn’t help you as much as we should have when Johanna died, pretending you were better off than you were. You hide behind your race car and helmet and we let you because we don’t want to cause you more pain. There’s no point living in sadness anymore, acting like you shouldn’t pursue something with someone you care about because you’re afraid of losing it. Something’s gotta give. Either you give it up now and live with Sophie needing space, or you pull yourself together and show her how you’re worth her love.”
I dislike how much her words resonate with my fears.
My dad leaves little room for self-pity. “Tell me what you like about Sophie. Right now, don’t stop to think.”
“I like how easy everything feels with her. How we can do absolutely nothing together and it still feels fun. How she smiles at me differently than everyone else because I get to take her home at night. I especially like how she hides behind rules and restrictions when she really craves to be reckless and carefree. I like pulling that side out of her.”
“And what do you dislike about her?” My mom sighs.
“The way she plans every little thing in her life. How she won’t pursue her dreams because she shackled herself to an idea of making her dad happy at her sacrifice. At least she did.”
“You do realize that you’re about to do the same thing by signing your life to McCoy at the expense of losing your best friend?”
“I’ve been trying to work out a deal.” My hands painfully clench in front of me.
My dad shakes his head. “Then you don’t deserve her. Because if I had to choose between your mother and something I really fucking wanted, I would have chosen your mother, hands down.”
“Why the hell don’t I deserve her?”
My mom takes over. “Besides the fact that you can’t admit you love her even though you clearly do? Is there a bigger reason needed?”
Wait, what? “How do you know that’s what I feel? You’re not me.”
“Nope, but I gave birth to you, so I’d say it’s pretty close. Friends don’t notice those details. No friend wants to make love to his girl under a desert sky because he feels like it. You got pissed at her for falling in love with someone who loves her back. And, Liam, no friend can do fuck buddies without risking love. You both were screwed from the very beginning; she only realized it sooner than you.” My mom looks at me with sad eyes and a frown.
“Fuck me.”
If someone asked me a week ago if I like surprises, I would’ve said hell yes. But now, looking at my latest surprise across my hotel room, I could live without any more.
See, after Sophie kicked my ass to the curb, I didn’t think things could get worse. With my brother showing up with a six-pack of beer and a carry-on suitcase, I’m not so sure.
Shocked is an understatement to describe how I feel. My brother stares at me, his blue eyes assessing me like those damn sudoku puzzles he loves so much. Leave it to my parents to call in reinforcements less than twenty-four hours after our call.
“So, as interesting as your visit is, I’m not sure why you’re here.” I break the awkward silence.
Lukas crosses his leg over his other knee. “You’re not? Come on, you’ve always been smart. No need to sell yourself short.”
“Well, I’m guessing your impromptu appearance has more to do with Sophie than scoring tickets to the final Prix.”
“Bingo. It’s time we let it all out. You and me, plus our old friends.” He plucks a beer from the cardboard box and passes it to me.
The iconic sound of bottle tops falling to the ground accompanies our silence. We stare at each other for a few minutes, with me draining half my beer in a few tugs.
Lukas taps his fingers against his thigh. “The first time I was intimate with someone else after Johanna’s death, I cried.”
Holy shit. This is how Lukas wants to start? I thought he would lead me in easy with useless chatter and reminiscing about the old days.
He doesn’t give me room to intervene, thank fuck, because I have no clue how to respond to his confession. “It was only a few months ago. I broke out in sobs in the middle of sex, and it was the most embarrassing thing. But it was also the most human I had felt after so damn long. It was like my heart was breaking while fusing together again, and I could do nothing to ease the ache. I spent years avoiding Johanna, only to have her for less than a decade. The pain her sudden death left behind was torture. But I put on my brave face and faced the world for my daughters because they deserve a father who would help fight their battles. Parenthood does that to you.”
“I’m so sorry.” I swallow back the lump in my throat, barely able to conjure up words.
“I’m not telling you this to feel guilty. I’m sharing my story because you need to understand. Even though I felt like shit for being with someone else, I needed to do it. I had been living for my daughters, thrusting myself into both parenting roles while ignoring my basic needs. I forgot to live for myself. Every day I woke up ready to make it the best day of my girls’ lives while denying myself any intimacy or closure. I had been so fucking lonely, and I hated myself for being angry at Johanna for leaving me.”
“Sometimes, I hate her. And then I hate that I feel that way, but I can’t help it.” The words pass my lips in a whisper.
Lukas shakes his head. “I think part of you hates her when you really want to hate yourself.”
How can one sentence feel like Lukas dragged an invisible knife down my chest, spilling my secrets?
“Why do you think that?” I let out a deep exhale.
“Because you live a lie while pushing others away. I sure as hell would hate to be you, pretending to be someone I’m not, hiding in plain sight while living an empty life. I embrace my pain while you stuff yours away. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength amongst those who are too scared to live. I’m done living in fear, and you should be too. It’s time to let go for your mental sanity and your future. Johanna’s not coming back, no matter how hard you try to hold on to her memory. She would punch you if she could, knowing you’re using her as some excuse to stop living your life to the fullest. She’d be pissed as fuck about you denying yourself love because of some messed-up fear you have of ending up like me. And most of all, she’d be mad at you for abandoning me when I could have used my brother and my best friend.”
My eyes dart to the side, focusing on the textured wall instead of my brother’s intense gaze. Wetness gathers in my eyes. “I let you down, and I’m sorry. I was a shit brother, disappearing because the pain was too much. I despised how much it hurt to look at Kaia and not think of Johanna. I hated the way it made me feel. Guilty, disgusted, hurt. And I can’t stand myself for doing that to you. I’m really fucking sorry.” My voice cracks.
“I forgive you. But the way you can help me forget is by not making some shitty mistake because you’re afraid. I’ll give you one last piece of my mind, for old time’s sake.” He shoots me a weak smile. “Don’t be an idiot. Get the girl because those who have an issue with it shouldn’t be the same ones you trust while driving a car at three hundred kilometers per hour. If I could have one last day with Johanna, I would in a heartbeat, despite knowing when she leaves, I would break again. If you don’t feel that way about Sophie, then let her go for good. But I have a feeling you’re coming to your own realizations about her. So, by all means, pick the contract or pick her. But when you do, please ask yourself: if you let her go, can you look yourself in the mirror in your McCoy race suit without flinching? If so, then you really never loved her to begin with.”
And with that, my brother shines a light on my darkest secrets, highlighting the lies I kept hidden from the world. But most importantly, while banishing the darkness, he sparks something inside of me I hadn’t realized I was missing.
Hope.