Collided (Dirty Air Series Book 2)

TWO YEARS AND FIVE MONTHS AGO

My ringing phone pulls me out of my sleep. Sheets rustle as my hand fumbles for my phone in the dark. I press the green button without checking because few people would call me at this hour without an important reason.

“You need to get your ass over here now. Johanna woke up from a contraction, but we aren’t sure if it’s the real deal, gas, or a Braxton Hicks one. She’s too far along so I don’t want to risk it.” My brother’s statement wipes the grogginess from my eyes.

“You went to med school. How can you not tell the difference?”

“Asshole, I’m into neuro, not OB-GYN stuff. Just in case, I need you to grab Elyse and take her to Ma and Pa’s.”

I hop out of bed, nearly dropping my phone. “See you in ten.”

Lukas ends our call without a goodbye.

Thankfully, I decided to stay in Germany for the holiday season since Johanna’s about to give birth. I ignore the way my balls ache at the thought of labor.

I make quick time of getting ready, adrenaline coursing through my body. Within a few minutes, I hop into my SUV and make my way toward my brother’s neighborhood. He had this all planned out months ago to make sure I was in town for the delivery. With Johanna being due any day now, Lukas is on high alert. Really. He’s almost convinced Jo to go to the hospital once already for these “false alarms.”

I pull into their driveway, park my car, and get out. Lights shine from every window of their two-story house. My brother opens the front door as I walk toward the covered entryway, the chandelier casting Lukas in a golden glow. He runs an agitated hand through his blonde hair, wrinkles etching the skin near his baby blue eyes as he shoots me a nervous smile.

I pull him in for a hug, standing head-to-head with him. “If it isn’t the man of the hour. Tell me, how does it feel to see your handiwork coming to full fruition?”

“About as good as Johanna yelling at me to grab everything we need as a precaution. She’s worried this is it.”

“Her water hasn’t broken yet?”

“No, but it’s better safe than sorry.”

Johanna, all beautiful with brown hair and doe eyes, pushes past my brother. Her flushed cheeks expand as she deeply breathes in and out, her lips pursing at me. “Men should be like seahorses. They can get pregnant and give birth. I read they’re amazing fathers while the moms are dead-beat sea animals.”

I shake my head at her. “You need to relax. You’re getting all red and shit.”

Johanna hasn’t changed in the ten years I’ve known her, always one to get flustered during tense situations. She was the type who ripped me a new asshole for turning in our lab report at the end of class rather than at the beginning. While other high-school girls chased my dick for an all-access pass, Johanna ran after me to complete my homework and study for tests. Unlike others, she didn’t let me slide by because of my Formula driving. I have her to thank for graduating from school in the first place.

She shakes a finger at me, her brown eyes shining. “You can tell me to relax when you have to shove a baby the size of a watermelon out of your body.”

My brother looks at me with a face of horror. I could live a happy life without that visual ever again because I happen to like watermelon.

“Don’t give me that face. This is all your fault.” She stares at Lukas while pointing at her belly with two index fingers.

“I didn’t hear you complaining during the act.” He smiles at her.

She waves him off. “I forgot the repercussions of our actions.”

I offer Lukas a telling grin. “You are the one who got her pregnant three months after having your first kid. Territorial much?”

“I love how she glows from pregnancy.” Lukas tugs Johanna into him before planting a kiss on her head. He inherited his preference for gross displays of affection from our parents, the king and queen of too much groping.

“I hope you like the post-pregnancy paleness because the only glow you’ll get is from the fridge at 2 a.m. when you feed Kaia,” Johanna mumbles into his chest.

I, for one, can’t wait to meet Kaia, Johanna’s watermelon and the future addition to our crazy family.

“Doesn’t she have a way with words?” Lukas’s arms tighten around Johanna before letting her go.

I fake-gag. “You both make me nauseous.”

“When you get married, you’ll understand. Until then, I can shower you with appreciation for picking me as your lab partner. Turns out the hottest guy in bio had a brother to match.” Johanna winks at Lukas.

“Leave it to Lukas to stake a claim before I could try.”

“You never had a chance. One look at me and she was a goner. We only had to wait until she was no longer jailbait,” my brother says over his shoulder as he runs upstairs.

Johanna sends me a wobbly smile. “Sorry you got friend-zoned hard all those years ago. Who could resist the team captain of the hockey team?”

“I was hoping that you, the President of the United Nations Club, could, but now you’re pregnant with my brother’s spawn. I thought you’d want me for my wit rather than Lukas for his brawn.”

“Seeing as I’m a neurosurgeon resident…” Lukas cautiously comes down the stairs, a sleeping Elyse in one arm and a weekend bag in the other.

“I really dislike how you two gang up on me now. It used to be the other way around before Jo turned eighteen.” I cross my arms against my chest.

“Don’t be that way. Look at you, a big bad Formula 1 racer who recently won his first World Championship. You traded books for brawn after all.” Johanna pulls me in for a hug. Her bulging stomach makes it difficult, but she wraps herself around me, hitting me with her rose scent.

“I never traded the books,” I scoff. “The only thing that’s changed is how girls don’t meet me at the library anymore.”

“I really hope you settle down sometime soon. You don’t want those types of grid girls long-term because they prefer you for your name rather than your heart. Plus I can’t be your one friend of the female variety. You’re kind of needy.” She sticks her tongue out at me before she waddles toward the front door.

“What? Since when? This is the first time I’m hearing about this.”

“Since always, man. Just a few months ago, you drunkenly texted Johanna at 3 a.m. asking her to sing you a lullaby so you could fall asleep. Not that I’m complaining because your calls wake us both up.” He shoots her a smirk I can live without seeing ever again.

“Okay, gross. Save your bedroom eyes for the next time you want to get her pregnant. I hope you’re both aware of how those lullabies are the best thing I hear on the road. Even better than the pit lane on a race day.”

Johanna has the voice of an angel and the singing to match. I can’t help how lonely my drunk ass gets at night while spending most of my year on the road with my F1 team.

“You really need a girlfriend. I can’t be your only best friend forever.” Johanna laughs before she winces, rubbing her stomach.

“All right. You two need to go.” I grab Elyse from Lukas’s arms.

“Did you buy the car seat I told you about?” My brother eyes Elyse as I rock her body gently.

“Yes, Mother. I even made sure to drive my SUV because you hate my convertible.”

Johanna smiles at my brother. “I wish you had a convertible sometimes.”

“They’re not safe,” Lukas grumbles as he helps Johanna into his Land Rover. Somehow, in a few years, he went from a carefree guy to a new member of the safety patrol. It all began after he married Johanna, bought a house, and got her pregnant. Who knew picking the hot, quiet girl for a lab partner would lead to this? Lukas should thank me for thinking with my hormones and my need to pass biology.

I walk to my SUV, opening the door with one arm before placing Elyse in her car seat. The pink contraption looks out of place against the black leather interior. I fumble with the straps before getting her settled in, her pudgy face and blonde hair looking fucking adorable.

I place a soft kiss on Elyse’s forehead before closing the door.

I turn toward the two beaming parents. “I’ll meet you at the hospital once the sitter gets set up at Mama and Papa’s.”

“You fucking better. See ya.” Lukas waves before pulling out of his driveway. Johanna smiles at me from the passenger seat, a vision of calm despite the potential hours of pain she will go through.

I drop Elyse off with the sitter before rushing to the hospital with my parents. My dad relaxes in a waiting room chair while my mom paces the ten-by-eight space. Her boots click against the floor as she alternates between staring at the clock and grimacing at the door.

My parents look like a Barbie and Ken duo set, all blonde hair and light tan skin. My mother gazes at me with stormy gray eyes, panic evident in her rigid posture. Her blonde hair bobs as she walks back and forth in a motion that does nothing to calm her while my dad does the exact opposite, leaning his head against the wall.

“Why don’t you have a seat?” I point at the empty chair next to me.

“I don’t want to. I hate this waiting part because I want to hold Kaia and breathe in that fresh baby smell already.” She closes her eyes and smiles.

“You sound like a serial killer.” My comment makes her eyes snap open. Pa laughs to the point of coughing.

My mom glares at my dad. “Don’t encourage his jokes. You’re the one to blame for how he talks to me.”

“Someone had to teach him how to have a sense of humor.” My dad grins at me, his blue eyes shining under the fluorescent lights.

My mom fights a smile. After a few more minutes of pacing, she sits by my side, pulling my hand onto her lap like I’m a toddler instead of a recently turned twenty-six-year-old. “Remember when we tried to set Johanna and you up for prom?”

“How can I forget. Lukas nearly kicked my ass into tomorrow.”

My parents’ front lawn has some fond memories, including Lukas proposing in the same spot where he decked me in the face years prior.

“That was the moment I knew they would fall in love. They were like a movie, with the smart jock and the shy girl. He was only biding his time.”

“You watch too many romance movies.” I shake my head.

My mom looks for fairy-tale endings in everything because she’s a hopeless romantic who found the love of her life at twenty-two. Lukas followed her love advice to the letter while I float around, not exactly pursuing anything more at the moment.

Johanna’s words from earlier hang around me. Am I clingy because I don’t have someone to share my moments with? I don’t want to be seen as a needy guy. What are a few drunk calls in the grand scheme of things? Some people text exes while I call my friends, which isn’t exactly a character flaw.

The skin around her gray eyes wrinkles as she smiles at me. “If it weren’t for those movies, I may have never given your dad a chance.”

This time I really do gag. “You guys should pay for my therapy because a psychologist would have a field day with this shit.”

We sit around for what feels like hours. Unlike Elyse’s debut, Lukas doesn’t have time to come out and give us updates. I fool around on my phone to pass the time. Minute by minute goes by with no nurse coming out, giving us absolutely nothing to go off of as we wait around. Curiosity makes us all edgy as we await our new family member.

A nurse rushes into the waiting room, confirming we’re the Zander family. “There’s been a change of plans. Johanna’s been rushed into the operating room due to some medical complications. We don’t have a lot of information to report, but someone will return as soon as we have more news.”

“Oh God. I hope it’s nothing serious.” My mom resumes her pacing, abandoning her book on the chair.

“I’m sure the doctors know what they’re doing.” My dad’s flitting eyes don’t match the calming tone of his voice.

“Elyse was a natural birth. Why a C-section for this one?” My mom stops, pressing a hand against her chest as if the motion can calm her racing heart.

I place my phone back in my pocket, no longer in the mood to play a stupid game. “The doctor will let us know.”

A few minutes later, the door creaks open, revealing a pale Lukas, his fists clenched in front of him. His eyes lack any sign of life. He appears devoid of emotion, like someone sucked his soul right out of him, leaving behind a husk of a man.

A cold feeling creeps up my spine as his eyes land on mine.

A tear escapes his eye. One single tear makes my chest tighten and my lungs burn. The room feels like someone closed off our air supply, the heaviness choking the four of us. We remain silent, watching Lukas as his chest heaves, his dark eyes landing on each of us.

I lift myself out of my chair, my legs wobbling as I attempt to regain my composure. “What happened?”

His empty, expressionless eyes find mine. “Johanna didn’t make it.”

Tears run down his face, my stomach dropping as his lip trembles. My mom chokes back a sob as she runs to my brother and pulls him in for a hug. My dad and I stare at each other, no words passing our lips, a lack of understanding among us both.

What the fuck is happening?

My brother shakes, his legs giving out as my mother kneels on the floor with him. My heart rapidly beats in my chest while my stomach threatens to dump its contents on the beige tile.

My brother whispers his next words like saying his statement with strength makes it too real. “The baby was stuck.” Lukas’s voice cracks. “Jo’s blood pressure dropped during an emergency C-section, and she—” He sobs.

I don’t feel like someone ripped the rug out from under me. That would be too simple, too sweet to describe the nightmare occurring in front of me. It feels like someone ripped my goddamn legs from my body, leaving me in a bloody heap, so fucking helpless as my brother breaks down in some shitty hospital.

This can’t be happening.

Lukas’s body trembles as he curls into my mom’s, his soundless cries making my heart shrivel up. “She didn’t make it. She… She asked to see me hold our baby girl. That’s all she wanted. My fucking wife. Gone.” His heavy breathing becomes panicky and shallow.

Holy motherfucking shit.

My best friend is gone. The same woman who was smiling at me hours ago, calling me needy. Johanna, the best part of high school and one of my favorite people in the world. My friend who rolled her eyes at girls wanting me for my racing talents rather than for my hidden geekiness. The woman who stole my brother’s heart while making mine whole, branding herself onto each member of my family.

I don’t fight nausea as I run to the nearby trash can, my stomach revolting, acid coating my tongue while unfamiliar tears stream down my face. My pale fingers tremble as I clutch onto the plastic rim, using the trash can as a support for my shaking legs.

“And the baby?” My mom’s voice carries over the sound of my retching.

“Kaia’s okay.” My brother, the reserved one who taught me how to keep my cool, cries in her arms. Hoarse words pass his lips as he whispers to my mom. I can’t take seeing him broken, his outward appearance matching the way I feel inside.

I grip the trash can, afraid of letting go as my dad runs a shaky hand down my back.

I hate the sound of Lukas crying. I hate this whole fucking day, the thought of losing my best friend while gaining a niece too fucking much. Why the fuck would God play such a cruel joke, snuffing out one life while saving another?

I escape the room, leaving my family behind as I run toward the hospital’s entrance. Darkness greets me, matching the churning emotions inside of me, the bright moon mocking me as I lose my shit in the empty quad. My legs give out as I kneel onto the grass, the dewy blades hiding the tears escaping my eyes.

I throw my head back as I let out a hoarse cry, the pained sound drowned out by an approaching ambulance’s sirens. The chilly air burns my lungs as I take in a sharp breath.

My dad shows up out of nowhere and kneels next to me, tugging me into his side as he holds me.

I can’t hide the way my body trembles. “I don’t understand. How can something like this happen? It’s the twenty-first fucking century. People don’t just die in childbirth anymore.”

“I’m sorry, son. There’s nothing that could’ve been done.” My dad chokes.

“So what? How the fuck am I supposed to look at Kaia without thinking of her?” I hate how weak my voice sounds to my own ears.

“You can look at her and see the last beautiful thing her mother created. She needs an uncle now more than ever.”

I clench my fist around blades of grass, tugging on the pieces, ripping them out to ease the edginess. “I don’t want her. I want Johanna back.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Of course I fucking do. I want to turn back the clock and erase this shitty day from history.” I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about my confession. My tightening chest reminds me of the pain burrowing itself in my heart, testing my sanity.

“We can’t. But think of your brother and what he’s going through. Be strong for him.”

How can I be strong for him when my heart is going through a fucking paper shredder?

“I can’t.” I choke on the words, my voice a croaky whisper as my tears return, flooding my eyes as I think of Johanna. Of us getting in a paint fight while setting up Kaia’s nursery. The image fills me with dread and nausea all over again.

I don’t know how to cope with any of this shit. I’m unequipped to handle the brewing feelings, the painful memories, and the dull ache making itself at home inside of my chest.

My dad holds on to me, sitting in silence as pained breaths escape our mouths.

December 30th isn’t only the day of Johanna’s death. It’s the day I let go of myself, shoving my broken heart so deep inside of my body I wouldn’t be able to identify the tattered remains if I tried.