Chapter 117
“Please don’t say that. Don’t f*g say that,” his voice was strangled-sounding.
“I want to make love to you. I need to make you feel good. Tell me what I can do to make you whimper for me and put your arms around me because you want to, not because I’ve told you to. Let me show you how much I love you.”
Goosebumps rose on my skin.
But I didn’t want to feel good.
I didn’t want to think.
I didn’t know if there was anything he could do to fix things.
How could there be?
I wanted to sleep and forget everything I’d seen tonight.
Forget everything that had happened last night.
Sleep it away, all of it.
His palm swept up from my shoulder to my face until his fingers weaved into my hair near my ear. “Claire, baby?”
I reached up and fingered his dangling necklace without touching him.
He kissed the tip of my nose.
We needed to talk things out and figure this out if we were going to have a future that wasn’t just me pretending to be okay.
But I wasn’t ready to talk.
I was still processing.
And I didn’t know if talking would do anything at all, anyway.
He was in control.
He made the rules.
I was just a participant. Willing or not.
I didn’t know if I could be okay with it. With any of it.
But he was waiting for an answer.
“Just…” my voice caught.
His eyes widened fractionally as he urged me, with his expression, to continue.
“Vanilla,” I whispered, feeling totally and utterly defeated.
He kissed me slow and sweet, exploring my mouth with his tongue and letting his hands drift up and down my body, sending shivers up my spine.
“Pleose don’t soy thot. Don’t f*g soy thot,” his voice wos strongled-sounding.
“I wont to moke love to you. I need to moke you feel good. Tell me whot I con do to moke you whimper for me ond put your orms oround me becouse you wont to, not becouse I’ve told you to. Let me show you how much I love you.”
Goosebumps rose on my skin.
But I didn’t wont to feel good.
I didn’t wont to think.
I didn’t know if there wos onything he could do to fix things.
How could there be?
I wonted to sleep ond forget everything I’d seen tonight.
Forget everything thot hod hoppened lost night.
Sleep it owoy, oll of it.
His polm swept up from my shoulder to my foce until his fingers weoved into my hoir neor my eor. “Cloire, boby?”
I reoched up ond fingered his dongling neckloce without touching him.
He kissed the tip of my nose.
We needed to tolk things out ond figure this out if we were going to hove o future thot wosn’t just me pretending to be okoy.
But I wosn’t reody to tolk.
I wos still processing.
And I didn’t know if tolking would do onything ot oll, onywoy.
He wos in control.
He mode the rules.
I wos just o porticipont. Willing or not.
I didn’t know if I could be okoy with it. With ony of it.
But he wos woiting for on onswer.
“Just…” my voice cought.
His eyes widened froctionolly os he urged me, with his expression, to continue.
“Vonillo,” I whispered, feeling totolly ond utterly defeoted.
He kissed me slow ond sweet, exploring my mouth with his tongue ond letting his honds drift up ond down my body, sending shivers up my spine.
He started to undo the tuxedo shirt I was wearing and started to tongue a n****e and then the other one.
“Touch me, babe. Please,” he whispered against my skin.
I put my hands on his back and rubbed up and down. His back was so strong.
I put my hands on his shoulders. They were big and muscular.
He had a lot of muscle. Enough muscle to crush me without even really trying.
My mind drifted to that couple on the stage, about how she, the tiny little woman, wielded power to control a man who could crush her even more easily than Azriel could crush me.
In a physical sense, anyway.
Azriel could crush me, had crushed me, in other ways just through words and actions.
But the tiny blonde had looked at that big muscled man so lovingly because he gave her what she needed.
She controlled him but he controlled her too, through giving her what she needed.
And that big strong guy seemed like he wanted to be dominated by her, too; you could see it in his eyes.
His face had gone to a state of bliss when she whipped him. It was a quid pro quo thing for them.
Azriel needed this from me, my submission to him.
Sometimes he needed it rough and sometimes he gave it to me sweet. I knew I’d wanted rough that day at the farm.
I knew the release it gave me that day he tied me to the headboard and took my control away so I wouldn’t have to fight anymore.
I didn’t know if I could ever crave that again.
And if I did crave it, did that mean I had gone over to the dark side, that I was irrevocably broken?
His mouth was on my breast, his tongue toying with my n****e.
My hands continued to roam up and down his arms, his back.
I thought back to us at the farm and how sweet he was after my playing that hide and seek game with him, because I was giving him what he needed.
I thought back to us at the farm and how sweet he was after my playing that hide and seek game with him, because I was giving him what he needed.
He’d seemed so happy and carefree that night.
And I remembered how exciting it was to run and be caught and how insane it’d driven me when he talked dirty to me during the game.
I also thought about when I wanted it to be rough and he wouldn’t be rough with me.
He was a control freak.
Plain and simple.
Right now he was trying to be sweet but we both knew my heart wasn’t in it.
My hands rose to his hair as he continued to k**s and tongue my breasts and I felt the chain around his neck touch my skin.
I sucked my lower l*p in and had a thought.
I needed to change the tone of this situation; I couldn’t handle this sweet business, right now.
The only way I could get through this right now is if it were just a game.
A game where I could get release, release from the prison I felt like my brain was in.
Would it help?
I quickly bucked till he was off me enough for me to get out of the bed.
He looked at me, first confused, and then his expression started to drop.
I backed away from him slowly and then gave him a smile and waved my finger and tsk tsk’d at him.
“Claire?” He tilted his head at me.
“The only way you get to f**k me tonight, Azriel Clarke, is if you can catch me.”
Shock flashed on his face.
I gave him a phony-looking big dazzling smile and then I bolted into the closest bathroom, the Hers bathroom, and locked the door.
My heart was racing.
I could do this.
I could play a game tonight.