SWNOVELS City of Boneheads: Chapter 5
Jace and Clary got off the subway and walked the three blocks to Clary’s apartment building, When they were in front of the building Jace stopped, and pulled out a device that looked just like the one the demon had eaten.
“I thought you weren’t gonna get a new phone,” said Clary.
“I didn’t,” said Jace. “Alec let me borrow his.” Jace pressed a button on the device and a bunch of colored lights started going on and off.
“What’s it doing?” said Clary.
“It’s searching for demon activity,” said Jace, pointing the device at the apartment building. “You know what else it can do? It can count your steps during the day!” He pressed another button and some data came up on the screen. “What, only 700? No friggin’ way. I must’ve input the stride length wrong.”
The colored lights on the device stopped flashing. “We’re cool,” said Jace, and they walked into the building and up to Clary’s apartment.
When they entered the apartment, Clary was stunned to see it was completely empty. Even the furniture was gone. There was no sign the demon had ever been there, or that Clary and her mom had ever been there, either. “This is why I told Mom not to do Airbnb,” said Clary. “One bad guest and poof! All your stuff vanishes.”
“Or it might’ve been the demons,” said Jace. “They like to hide their tracks.”
Suddenly the bathroom door burst off its hinges, and an enormous man came out holding a giant axe.
This is the guy mom was subletting to? thought Clary. I bet the neighbors are pissed.
The huge man stomped toward Clary, lifted his axe, and swung downwards. Clary was paralyzed with fear, but Jace moved like lightning and pushed Clary out of the way at the last second. The axe came down with a crunch next to Clary and Jace and stuck in the floor.
“Okay, this guy is not getting a good Airbnb review,” said Clary.
Jace quickly pulled out a glowing dagger and plunged it into the man’s side. The man roared in pain and dropped to his knees. Clary thought he might disappear like the demon had, but he just kept bleeding while he lay there, motionless.
Jace felt the man’s neck. “He’s dead,” he said.
“Sweet,” said Clary. “Now I don’t have to write a review for him.”
Clary noticed that Jace had a large cut on his arm. “You’re bleeding,” she said.
“Must’ve been from when we dove on the ground,” said Jace. “No biggie.”
Jace took out his stele and drew a cartoon band-aid on his arm.
“Is that the tramp stamp for healing?” said Clary.
Jace nodded. His cut glowed and faded away.
“Hey, you think I could borrow that stele for a sec?” said Clary. “I noticed a new zit this morning.”
“Sorry,” said Jace. “If you use too many tramp stamps on yourself you become a Forsaken, like this guy.” He pointed at the dead guy on the ground.
“You mean he used to be a normal Shadowhunter?” said Clary.
“Yep,” said Jace. “That’s why you only want to use tramp stamps for really important things. Man, am I hungry.” He drew a tortilla chip on his hand and a bag of Doritos appeared on it.
“I’m gonna search my room to see if the weed’s still there,” said Clary.
“Trust me, it’s not,” said a voice from the hall.
Clary looked out the door and saw Madame Dorothea, finishing up a spliff.
“I should’ve guessed,” said Clary.
“Oh hi Jace!” said Dorothea, waving at Jace. “So is the Clave gonna pay to clean up this mess?” She pointed at the trail of blood from the Forsaken guy which was running out the door and down the staircase.
“Wait, how does she know your name?” said Clary. “And how does she know about the Clave?”
Jace stared down at his shoes, sheepishly. “We dated for a bit,” he said.
“You dated her?”
“We met on CougarDen.com,” said Jace. “Sure, she’s a little older, but cougars give it up wayyy easier.”
Clary turned back to Dorothea. “So if you know about the Clave, do you know what happened to my mom?”
“I’ll tell you what I know…as long as Jace comes inside for tea.”
“Nope, sorry,” said Jace. “I told you a thousand times, we’re done.”
“Fine,” said Dorothea, “then I guess I’ll just have to have Clary over for tea and show her your sexts.”
Five minutes later they were all drinking tea in Dorothea’s apartment.
“How ’bout some sandwiches?” said Dorothea.
“Sounds great, I’m starved,” said Clary.
Dorothea got up and returned with a platter of cucumber sandwiches. You gotta be kidding me, thought Clary. Cucumber sandwiches? It was the worst meal she’d had since Simon took her to a kosher pizza place. Or any other kosher meal she’d had.
Clary looked around the room and noticed a crystal ball and a palm reading poster. “So can you really read the future?” said Clary.
“Sure, I’ll show you,” said Dorothea.” She took Jace’s cup and poured out the tea so only the leaves remained in the cup, and stared reading the leaves.
“You will reunite with an old flame…” said Dorothea. “The night will be filled with romance and passion…you will realize you were wrong to break up with her…and also wrong to call the police about her stalking you…”
Clary snickered. “What a load of crap. I can’t believe I thought you were a real psychic.”
“I am!” said Dorothea.
“Oh really? Then tell me something about me, something only I would know,” said Clary.
“Fine, I will!” said Dorothea. She took Clary’s hands and stared into her eyes. But after a few seconds she stopped.
“Sorry, can’t read you,” she said. “Someone must’ve put a block on your mind!”
“Uh huh,” said Clary. “Okay, I’ve heard enough. Come on, Jace, let’s bounce.”
Clary got up to leave, but as she started walking out she spotted a deck of tarot cards on a dresser.
“Hey!” said Clary. “That’s my mom’s deck of tarot cards that she painted! We’ve been looking for them for months!
Dorothea shook her head. “You must be confusing them with some other deck of tarot cards, each of which is a painting signed by Jocelyn Fray,” said Dorothea.
“I’ll be taking these back, thanks,” said Clary, picking up the deck. But Dorothea grabbed the deck out of her hands, leaving Clary holding a single card. The card was an Ace with a picture of a keg.
“The Ace of Kegs!” said Dorothea. “An extremely powerful card. I wonder what it means that you pulled it out?”
“It means that you still owe me 51 cards,” said Clary.
“Pardon me, ladies, but that tea went right through me,” said Jace. “Let’s see if I can remember where the bathroom is in this place.”
Jace walked to the end of the room and pushed aside a curtain, revealing a large round hole in the wall that emitted a glowing blue light.
“What the heck?” said Jace. “You have a portal?”
“What’s a portal?” said Clary.
“It’s a five-dimensional door,” said Dorothea.
“You mean one of those doors that sends you back in time so you can meet your parents when they were kids, or make tons of money betting on a Super Bowl that’s already happened?”
“Kind of, I guess, but not exactly…” said Dorothea.
But Clary wasn’t listening. She was thinking about the new iPhone she was going to buy with her Super Bowl winnings. And she’d finally be able to afford an unlimited data plan!
“You guys want me to place any bets for you?” said Clary, walking up to the portal.
“Clary, no!” said Jace.
She shrugged. “It’s your money,” she said, and jumped through.