SWNOVELS Chapter Chapter Forty-Five
I woke with a start.
Panam was still sleeping in the chair.
Tucker was standing next to my bed.
I could sense his wife and son near him, but could not see them.
“I came to say goodbye. Be happy with me Han. I am back with my loved ones. My physical troubles are over.
You must move forward now. You must follow your destiny.
Tell Julie I love her and tell Panam he has my blessing to marry her.”
He smiled and faded away before I could respond.
I sat in silence, thinking about ways I could continue our relationship.
*I want to go to the Personal Recording Halls,* I told Sensaii.
*It is only a place of life-memories,* Sensaii replied. *You have those already. If Tucker wants any further association with you, he will present himself as he did.*
*But I really want to feel him, just one more time,* I pleaded.
*Even if you went to the Halls, which is only the place for the recordings, you would not be allowed to enter and activate the recently passed over’s life-memories. You know that.*
*Then what is the difference if I touch a recently passed-over person’s life essence? Is it not the same?*
*No. What you experience on this plane is mostly only the recording that is yet to be integrated into the life-memory of the person. The less time that passes from the time the person dies, the clearer the recording. The longer the person is dead, the more difficult for you to follow the recording, hence the eventual necessity to actually visit the Personal Recording Halls.*
*Then I will have to wait a while before I will go,* I insisted stubbornly.
*You will not be allowed,* Sensaii answered patiently.
*Why not?*
*It is not for the highest good of all. It will be for purely selfish reasons. You have to have pure intent when you enter the Recording Halls, or the doors will be locked to you.
Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. The quicker you get yourself organized, the easier it will be for Tucker to visit you from time to time.*
I was not content, and as a naughty child continued, *I did not see this coming. I had visions of pending danger, but I could not save Tucker.*
*It was his planned time to go home. He died as he chose to, in the arms of a beloved person.*
*It is not fair. This life is not fair. I do not want any of this anymore. I did not ask for this.* But even as I thought it, I realized that it was not the truth.
I did ask for this.
Somehow, I took this specific bodily form with these specific capabilities for some or other specific task.
What exactly did I know about myself?
Really, I asked myself.
Why did I come here to Creata?
Why did I choose to be the way I am?
Who am I really?
The eternal question.
I felt very sorry for myself and only wished to wallow in self-pity and depression.
Pulling the blanket over my head, I closed myself off to the world.