Chasing His Kickass Luna Back

Abby

Chloe and Leah stare at me incredulously after what I just told them. Their expressions are a blend of surprise and concern, and I can't blame them; I did, after all, just inform them that I plan on trying to have a baby.

“But Abby,” Chloe says, standing and pointing incredulously at Karl, “how the hell is he supposed to help you heal your infertility?”

I meet Karl's gaze once more, finding his shock mirroring my own. The truth has tumbled out, raw and unfiltered, and there's no retracting it now.

“Karl has been speaking to a doctor,” I say. “A doctor who might have some experimental treatments that could help me have a baby.”

But Chloe just shakes her head, her face a mask of frustration. She runs both of her hands over her hair; it's a gesture of hers that's a telltale sign of anger and confusion.

"Abby, you need to listen to what you're saying right now,” she says quietly. “Experimental treatments? A baby? Who would the father even be, hm? Would you be a single mom? Would Karl help you? What if the treatments don't work and your heart just gets broken all over again? What then, Abby?”

Chloe's barrage of questions hits home, but only because I've asked myself these questions relentlessly over the past few days. She's not wrong; this could end very badly. The possibilities are endless. But at the same time, it's something that I've decided to go through with on my own, without Karl's influence. The risks might be great, but so might be the rewards. I want to try to have a baby the natural way.

And if there are treatments for my body that could heal my infertility so I can achieve that, then I'm willing to try them.

“Look, I know it sounds utterly nuts,” I say softly, taking another step forward. “But again, Chloe, I'm an adult; and this is the decision I've made. I want to try to have a baby. I know the risks, and I'm willing to take them.”

As I speak, my gaze shifts over to Leah. Her eyes are lit up with what looks like hope, and there's a soft smile tugging at the corners of her lips. She's always understood the depth of my longing for a family, and has always stood by me through the highs and lows. Despite whatever reservations she may have, I know that she'll stand with me.

But Chloe is different.

She's never been quick to trust anyone, and she’s more emotional than Leah. She has never been the type to mince words, even when it makes other people uncomfortable or downright angry. I often admire that about her, but sometimes, it can be a bit much. Even now, her eyes drill into me, sharp and probing.

It's as if she's trying to dissect the layers of my revelation, to find what lies are hiding beneath the surface. I can tell that she doesn't believe the entire story; it's possible she can even tell that Karl and I are, indeed, sleeping together, and that he would even be the father of the baby if these experimental treatments wind up working.

But right now, I can't confirm nor deny that. I think I'm entitled to have a little privacy, too, aren't I? "Well I, for one, think that's amazing,” Leah breathes out, her voice tinged with genuine happiness. She steps closer, wrapping me in a hug that feels like a safe haven. “I know how badly you've always wanted to be a mom. If this is what you really want, then I'm here for you.”

Chloe, however, hesitates. Her steps are measured, her hug restrained, but it's a hug nonetheless. When she pulls away, her eyes are still narrowed.

“You know I'm here for you, too, right?” she says, a forced lightness in her voice. “Especially if you're braving the path of single motherhood.”

Her embrace is comforting, familiar. And yet the words she whispers next send a shiver down my spine. “Just be careful not to make a choice you'll regret. Okay?"

I pull back slightly, searching Chloe's face for a hint of her real thoughts. She's normally an open book to me, but right now, she’s closed off and reserved. I can tell that she’s trying to hide her worry, but it's not completely masked.

The room suddenly feels too small, the walls inching closer. Leah, the eternal optimist, tries to shift the mood. “How about we celebrate this news?” she suggests, her voice bright. “Dinner tonight, with the whole team?”

"Sounds perfect,” I reply, grateful for the change in topic. “There's a nice place in town we could all go to.”

After Leah and Chloe leave, I turn to Karl. He's standing now, as silent as ever. I can tell that my admission took him by surprise. “I didn't mean to tell them everything,” I admit, feeling an unexpected need to apologize. “It just sort of... tumbled out.”

Karl shakes his head, a gentle understanding in his eyes. “It's your right to share if that's what you want, Abby,” he says. “Just make sure you really are certain about all of this—about the treatment, our deal, all of it. I mean what I said earlier.”

A sigh escapes me. “The baby part, I'm sure of. The rest... it's complicated. But I'm not planning on pulling out now.”

He nods slowly. “Well, like I said, it's your choice,” he says.

His words are comforting, but they also remind me of the intricate web the two of us are currently weaving. Two lives, connected by a shared goal but tangled up in all of the drama we've been through in the past. I can tell he wants the baby, too, which only adds to the complexities. Thankfully, though, dinner that night feels like a reprieve, with the team laughing and chatting over drinks and delicious meals. It's a relief to be with them after what feels like an eternity, and since Karl and I announced a “relationship” at the masquerade, I feel like I can relax a bit in public. However, Chloe is as quiet as ever. She talks and laughs along with the group, but her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. It's clear that she’s thinking, analyzing, weighing the words I had shared earlier. Chloe's earlier whisper echoes in my mind, though, and I can't get it to stop whirling around in there. “Don't make a choice you'll regret.”

Despite my reservations, I know that Chloe is always right in some regard, and especially now. This could end in fire and flames. It could end in heartbreak, anger, frustration, and who knows what else.

But it could also end in happiness, in dreams being fulfilled, in successful careers.

And who knows? Maybe, just maybe, there will be another alternate ending. One that involves love and commitment, and new chances.

And as I look at Karl from across the candlelit table, his brown eyes meet mine. For that brief moment, I allow myself to indulge in the fantasy.

I allow myself to imagine what it could be like if I said “I love you’ first.