CHAOS (Beneath The Secrets Book 1)

Song- In The End, Linkin Park

This is the first time I’ve been out without Jax, and I’m nervous.

I know it’s just with the girls from work, but it feels like somehow it’s admitting that he isn’t a part of me anymore.

And, that hurts.

I don’t want it to be over. He seems genuinely upset about what happened.

Would there be a way for us to move on, together?

It would be hard to trust him. But, this ache, this pain that stabs me into my chest every single time I think about him, would it go away?

Maybe I’ll think about it another night. Trying to get him to talk might be my first step.

If he wants to. He’s so hard to read, I can’t tell if he wants to come back, or if he’s content to stay away.

I didn’t want to push my luck with him, since he’s been so erratic lately, so I asked Lara if she could watch Maeve tonight for me.

The fact that I’m used to taking care of my daughter alone frustrates me. She should have her dad.

I want him. It kills me every time I pass a motorcycle on the street and I get that flutter in my belly that it might be him.

Maeve tangles her fingers in my hair as I ring the bell at Lara’s.

She meets me with a big smile, flips her long blonde hair behind her shoulder and immediately reaches for Maeve. “Hi, curly q!”

Maeve giggles and flings herself into Lara’s arms.

“Thank you for doing this on short notice. I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to go or not.” I pass her the diaper bag and glimpse Alexei sitting on the couch behind her watching television.

“No problem! Where are you going? I’ll make sure Alexei and Niki go and keep an eye out.” Lara kicks his foot as she walks by with Maeve. “Aren’t you, Alexei?”

“Huh? Sure. Yes. What am I doing?” He blinks as he looks between me and Lara.

“You’re going to watch Sofia tonight,” she calls from the kitchen.

His brows furrow in confusion. “I can see her. She is right here.” He gestures at me still standing in the entry.

A roll of paper towels flies over the counter and bounces off of the side of his head. “When she goes to the club!” Lara yells.

Maeve giggles and screeches herself, clapping her hands.

Seeing her happy makes me smile.

“Oh, yea, sure. I’ll get Niki.” Alexei pulls out his phone and starts texting while rattling what sounds like a piece of hard candy around in his mouth.

“You really don’t have to, I’ll be fine. It’s just a drink with a bunch of girls from the office.”

“Don’t make me throw something at you, too.” Lara steps out and puts Maeve on the floor with a handful of plastic bowls. “You know that you’re on the radar for the Reapers. There’s no reason to be crazy.”

“Fine. We’re going to the Shamrock Pub. I have to get going. Thanks again.” If I hurry, I should get there in time.

“Say ‘bye Momma’.” Lara squats next to Maeve and waves her little arm at me.

I blow her a kiss. “Bye, baby girl.”

Just like what Jax calls her.

The whole way there I can’t stop thinking about him. How broken he is.

Why would he ruin everything if he loved me and Maeve so much?

It isn’t fair. He was talking about marrying me. Who cheats when they’re supposedly that much in love?

He makes me so mad that he just gave up on us. If only he tried a little harder. I thought he really wanted me, us.

Was everything he said a lie?

It didn’t seem to be. There wasn’t anyone forcing him to keep chasing me.

God, I loved it when he did.

My friends are already gathered in a booth and wave me over.

They’re filled with smiles and polite conversation, but it’s hard to stay focused.

I can’t stop thinking about just how broken Jax looked last night when he left.

“How about them, Sofia? Aren’t they just a hunk of meat that would be fun to bite into?” Lisa gestures past me, pointing to a table in the far corner.

It takes me a minute to adjust my eyes in the dim light, but familiar shapes form.

Nikolai. Alexei.

And, Jax.

He’s slumped on the edge of the seat.

“What about them?” I avert my gaze. I don’t want to draw attention to them, even if it’s impossible not to keep glancing back at Jax.

“Well, you said you are single after your boyfriend cheated on you. They look like an excellent opportunity for a rebound.” She giggles into her hand. “Should we buy them a drink?”

“Um. I don’t think tonight. Maybe some other time?” Turning back to my margarita, it seems much less tasty than it was a moment ago.

Everything feels sour.

I just want him to come over here, scoop me up, and run out the door with me cradled to his chest and tell me everything is going to be okay.

“Oops. Looks like we missed out.” Lisa sighs and turns back to another coworker.

Wait. What does she mean?

Twisting around, I catch a glimpse of the waitress laughing with her hand on Jax’s shoulder.

And, he’s smiling back at her.

His wicked, sexy, flirty grin.

That’s mine.

Not hers.

Was it all bullshit? The tears? The begging? He really is just a dog who chases any bone?

Anger brews in me like a raging storm.

Standing violently, my glass crashes to the floor.

A piece of me hears my friends gasp, but I don’t look.

All I can see is him with that woman’s hand on him.

I barely acknowledge pushing the waitress aside.

“How can you be so happy when I’m fucking breaking inside?” I scream into his face. My palm snaps against his cheek.

He looks up at me in shock, but I don’t give him a chance to answer.

To hide my pain and tears, I turn and run past the wide-eyed customers and out the door.