Chain Gang All Stars

The men were dead on the floor. He’d been hoping it’d be the women dead on the floor because as much as he didn’t love Thurwar, the Blood Mother, the most famous woman in sports, he certainly didn’t want to be the guy who had to announce what he was about to announce.

“Great fight,” he said with the enthusiasm of a deflated soccer ball. The field workers bagged the men’s bodies.

“A shocking conclusion for the great Singer and Jungle Man, who was killable after all. Almost certainly some of the very best these games had to offer. They had a great run. Let’s clap it up for them.”

The thing he did not like was happening: He was seeing what he was. The bodies were not cold and he was about to announce an atrocity worse even than the one they had all just witnessed. This was who he was. He just didn’t know how he’d gotten there. He’d watched the news, seen the clips of Tracy Lasser quitting, and thought, Huh. Good for her. And it was not until days later that he woke up in the night terrified for himself, for what he had become, what he was. In the board meetings he had done all he could. That was what he told himself.

The people in the stands were clapping for the mangled dead. He chuckled, because what else was there to do. We all allowed it. We all voted for it. We all knew it was happening, so why suddenly be outraged? Why now did he feel that sinking? Something long growing. Something with jaws ready to eat inside him.

“And of course the most dynamic duo, the bloody lady love bunnies themselves, have conquered the mountains in front of them once again to close out season thirty-two of Chain-Gang All-Stars.

“What’s more, the Beautiful Bard, the Hurricane called Staxxx, has finally, finally reached Colossal. Making her and her love bunny the first-ever pair of women to achieve Colossal rank on the same Chain.” The last bit was unscripted. He wanted to paint the picture clearly so even the idiots in the stands, the people who loved him or hated him or watched him with greedy expectant eyes, would understand exactly what was happening next.

He was on top of his little stage and he saw the two of them, Staxxx and Thurwar, holding hands, turning their heads to look at him as soldier-police led them back into the tunnel. A season had ended, which meant a new season had begun. And because of what was being announced they would not offer any post-fight commentary.

He looked up at the Jumbotron, so he could see himself, but that made him feel a little sick, so he looked out at the crowds of people who had come to see something legendary, had been satisfied, but still wanted more.

“I’m getting word now of some stunning new rules from the GameMasters.” He said this and touched his ear, although there was no message being relayed. He had already been given the script, had rehearsed it in the week leading up. But he wanted to put some distance between himself and the invisible hand that controlled the Chain-Gang. He was on the board, but the big-money owners were the ones who controlled everything, really. This was what he told himself. He was a hire, not a legacy. He wanted Thurwar, that impossible bitch, and that lunatic Staxxx to know that, despite all their differences, he would not do this to them.

“Uh-huh. Oh my. What wild minds,” he said to no one, to himself and to the world. Then he took a breath. “I’ve just got word that we’ll finally have an answer to the question on all of your bloody beating hearts. Who is the strongest? Who is the baddest? Who is the greatest Link of all time?” He spoke, but his words held no light or flair. He spoke with a disinterest he knew would get him fired. He wondered if his agent knew Tracy Lasser’s people.

“The new rule, which I’ve been told will be effective immediately, as season thirty-three of Chain-Gang All-Stars has just begun, is that no single Chain may contain two Colossal-ranking Links. In the event that a Chain does have two Colossal-ranking Links, they will meet in the BattleGround. And so, in a week’s time, for the most coveted treasure of High Freed, Loretta Thurwar will battle Hamara ‘Hurricane Staxxx’ Stacker. Until then!” he said, leaving out the sponsors completely. He climbed down into the BattleBox and sank to the ground.

The people were shocked. They were quiet. And in silence, Micky Wright thought, Maybe there is hope yet.