Chain Gang All Stars

A-Hamm looked at Thurwar, waiting for her to tell them what to do. Thurwar looked at Staxxx, the truth of Sunset Harkless’s murder in the air between them.

“Well, Miss Peace-and-Reconciliation didn’t have that in her heart last week it seems,” Gunny said, laughing. “But listen, I ain’t mad at ya. Like I said, he was a son of a bitch. Just like most here talking about it.”

Thurwar thought of Sunset. She’d seen him cry over the life he’d lost, over his daughter, whom he’d held in his arms and was sure no longer remembered anything about him. She’d seen him become beloved by the country, clearing a path in blood with a sword. The night Sunset Harkless was murdered, Staxxx had told her that she’d spent the evening with Randy Mac.

Thurwar stood, her face revealing nothing. “Why?” she asked.

Staxxx’s eyes found Thurwar, though it seemed they struggled to do so.

“I’m not proud.” Staxxx dropped LoveGuile to the ground and stepped closer to the Links. “I loved Sun too. I was out chatting with him about High Freedom.” Thurwar moved closer to the fire. She wanted to see Staxxx’s face as she told the story of killing Thurwar’s closest friend. The air was dry and warm. The fire danced shadows around Staxxx’s jawline. Thurwar held Hass Omaha in her grip; it helped her move through her feelings. On some level, this wasn’t a surprise. She hadn’t wanted to think about it directly, but she hadn’t been sure who besides Staxxx could have taken advantage of Sunset.

“Y’all know that was my guy. So yeah, I went out to him and was talking to him about the end of all this and the next world. And…” Staxxx looked around the group. Her eyes were brilliant with tears. “I’m so sorry. But I had to do what I did. I hope you all can understand that.”

Thurwar knew it was her place to speak first, and she knew that what she said would carry them through this night.

“Un-fucking-believable,” Gunny Puddles said. “The love lady kills a pal and surprise surprise, she can’t even—”

“You feel…you had to?” Thurwar asked.

“You know I loved him, Lo,” Staxxx said.

“And now what?” Puddles asked. “What happens now that we’re all a big happy family with a daughter who killed Daddy?”

Staxxx looked at Gunny. She picked LoveGuile up off the ground and in the same motion wiped her eyes with her bolt-leathered forearm.

“There it is. The truth will set us free,” Gunny said. He pulled three throwing knives from his jacket. He put one in his mouth, held the blade with his teeth, the other two ready to throw, one in each hand. “Do what you do. And I’ll do what I do,” he said through clenched teeth.

“You throw a knife at her, you die today,” Thurwar said. She looked at Ice Ice the Elephant and Randy Mac, and they were up. Randy held his trident at Gunny, and Ice let his fingers graze the chain around his waist; both of their bodies were angled toward the other man.

Staxxx shook her head. “We just agreed. If he throws a knife into my eye right now what you’re going to do is not kill him. That’s not what we do anymore. Starting now. I’m sorry for Sunset. I swear it.” And then Staxxx turned away from them and walked into the Queen’s Tent, dragging her scythe behind her.

Sai had stood up, positioning themselves between Gunny and Thurwar, and now they looked at Thurwar as if to say, Give us the signal and we’ll disappear Gunny Puddles from this earth. Thurwar looked at all the eyes on her, tried not to imagine the eyes looking at her all over the world.

“Don’t touch him,” she said. Her Links did not move. They stood at the ready, waiting for Gunny to do something they could respond to.

“I said do not,” Thurwar repeated, and her Links remained watching Gunny, but they eased their bodies to show they had heard her and would only move if Gunny did.

“Fucking sheep,” Gunny Puddles said. He dropped a knife from his mouth and caught it before tucking all three into his long coat and turning for his own tent.

Everyone but Thurwar sat down.

“Damn,” Rico said, trying to laugh away his panic.

“Shut up,” Randy Mac said.

“Okay. But don’t talk to me like that,” Rico said, puffing out his chest.

“Shut up, Rico,” Thurwar said.

“Okay,” Rico said, deflating as he bit into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

What did she do now? Now that they were all looking to her?

“Well,” Sai said after a while. “Good work to you both in the arena today.”

“He was a child,” Thurwar said.

“Every BG counts,” Sai said. It was a thing Thurwar had told Sai a long time ago after they had been forced to destroy someone who could barely walk, they were so afraid.

Thurwar nodded.

“Staxxx fucking killed it,” Rico said, brightening a little, his mouth sticky in chewing.

“Staxxx does what she does,” Randy Mac said.

“It comes from preparation,” Thurwar said. She could feel her Chain giving her and Staxxx an out. She could feel the pleasures of loyalty and power and how they were going to make it so she didn’t have to do anything at all.

Still, even the word “preparation” reminded her of Sunset, who had studied each and every one of his opponents so well before his matches that he called them his family. Thurwar helped him dissect the footage that he bought of their fighting with his Blood Points. And he did it for others too. She, Sunset, and Randy Mac had just watched tapes of Randy’s last opponent, Glacier Reme, and Sunset had told him to wait until Glacier tired himself out before going for the kill. And indeed, when Randy had stuck his trident through Glacier’s side, the man was panting from exhaustion after chasing him around with his scimitars for whole minutes.

And now there Randy was, acting as if he was going to let bygones be bygones. And maybe it was because he loved Staxxx, but so did she. And she felt none of the ease Randy seemed to present as he rested on his elbows near the fire.

She wanted to do something. But all the ways she knew to honor death, all the ways anyone knew to honor death, meant more death, and that wasn’t an option.

She turned to her tent.

—

Staxxx soaked in warm water and Epsom salt. She let her eyes fall closed. She could hear Thurwar stirring and smashing the air as she guided Hass through her drills, careful not to swipe the walls of the large tent, but deadly even in practice. Staxxx didn’t think it was the right time for strike drills.

“You’re upset,” Staxxx said, letting her body belong to the warm. She tried to breathe in the feeling of doing something good and right and difficult that no one could understand. She didn’t wonder if she was right; she wondered why it was her destiny to do so many good, hard things. The floating cameras watched her.

Thurwar turned into a backhand swipe and Staxxx felt the breeze she’d made graze the edges of her skin.

“I’m always worried,” Thurwar said. Her breath was constant, controlled, though she continued to crush the nothing around her.

Staxxx tried and failed to swallow a smatter of laughter.

“You are not always worried,” Staxxx said. “That’s just something we say to get you to relax more.” She watched Thurwar.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I did. Just now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me when it happened?”

“BlackOut had ended, so we couldn’t talk on our own. And I didn’t want to distract you before your Question Match,” Staxxx said, breathing in and out with her eyes closed. All of those things were true.

Thurwar stopped her drills and kneeled down slowly. Staxxx kept her eyes closed, though she could feel Thurwar’s face hovering over the basin’s edge. Thurwar exerted a kind of pressure just by being. Staxxx had grown to love the feeling, like a heavy coat, a thick gravity.

“You didn’t think finding my best friend dead would distract me? It doesn’t make sense. Why didn’t you come to me?”

“I thought I was your best friend,” Staxxx said.

“You should have told me.”

“I made a decision.”

Two HMCs floated above them. Their light shimmered in the water.

“It was not a good decision.”

Staxxx frowned. She understood Thurwar’s frustration and yet she hated having to explain her heart to the woman who knew her best.

“I know it seems like I’m being difficult.”

“Seems like?” Thurwar said. Then, “I’m sorry.”

Staxxx opened her eyes. Just as impressive as the pressure Thurwar typically exuded were the moments when she pulled it back. When she let herself be light for the people she loved.

“I’m asking you to trust me,” Staxxx said.

“I do. I want to. But don’t keep me out of something like this. I want to be on the inside,” Thurwar said.

Staxxx rose from the tub. The HMCs spiraled her naked body.

“You’re right. It’s me and you. I should have let you in sooner,” Staxxx said. She wrapped Thurwar into a hug. Thurwar protested briefly because of the wet, then began to unravel from her own clothes. “You do worry too much,” Staxxx said as she helped her undress. Light, unarmored, just her body.

They went to the cot, pretending they were alone. Though they never were. But even though HMCs floated inches off their skin, they moved with ease around each other, the humans and the cameras all used to one another. Thurwar moved her hands from Staxxx’s hip slowly up and down her thigh. Staxxx relaxed into the moment as they kissed. They were together outside of thought, feeling meeting feeling. Staxxx let her hands grace Thurwar’s curves, her muscles, her body forged for death but capable of such softness. Thurwar’s fingers moved between Staxxx’s legs and Staxxx hoped, before she fell completely into the moment, that Thurwar understood. That Thurwar trusted Staxxx the way Staxxx trusted her.

.    .    .

Thurwar looked into Staxxx’s brown eyes, kissed her mouth. And then shifted. She went from looking deep into Staxxx, searching her face, savoring the details, to somewhere far away, already thinking about what she had to do next, after not even thirty minutes of lying together. Staxxx wanted to say, “Wait,” call her back before Thurwar got up, but she knew that the other woman was already gone. Thurwar didn’t allow herself much joy. Staxxx took pleasure in being one of the great exceptions to this. She loved making people feel what they would otherwise not have access to. It was what she loved; she had no problem admitting it, as she did to the crowd before her matches. She knew she was changing the world there, even if it was in the worst possible context. Speaking to all those hurt people from the truest part of herself. It was all in service of her message. When she’d spun and won LoveGuile as her primary, when she’d eviscerated the first half-dozen of her opponents, she’d finally understood. Chain-Gang All-Stars was her purpose on earth. It was a place to remind the world of something it had forgotten. And to fulfill that purpose, she needed Thurwar. That had been obvious from the beginning.

But Staxxx, besides her purpose, was also a person. A person who needed to be poured into. A person who needed to be cared for, loved. And Thurwar did this, but only for as long as it took to make sure Staxxx was not empty; never long enough for her to be full.

Staxxx watched as Thurwar got up and picked up a roll of bolt leather. She slowly, lovingly wrapped her left forearm. Feeling the gray alloy-cloth pressed to your skin helped you focus. It was a reminder that you didn’t have the luxury of getting ready. “Ready” had to live inside you. The bolt leather was breathable, but not so breathable that it was especially comfortable. And still, the Links who could afford it wore it most of the time they were out on the Circuit. You could only have a few yards at once, so most wrapped just one arm, maybe both, turned their forearms into shields.

Staxxx caught herself. This was one of Thurwar’s powers. One moment you could be spiraling through the feeling of loving and being loved, and the next you’d be with her, thinking about the game. Thinking about how your body had to survive. Thurwar wore her bolt leather over one arm and one thigh, and at the waist. It was one of many things that she did that were widely copied by Links throughout the Chains.

Thurwar was obsessive about her training. Everyone knew that. It was why she’d become who she was. The Blood Mother. The Colossal. Staxxx understood that well. But to have her dressed, swinging her hammer around so soon—it hurt. The body was just a part of what had to survive the games.

Staxxx got up and found her way back into the tub. Her first soak had been cut short.

She turned a knob and water rushed into the basin from a tank a few yards away from the Camp. Its water flowed to three other basins outside and two communal hoses. The same hygiene stations existed at every Camp, as well as three or four sinks for drinking water.

Staxxx closed her eyes and let the heat take her body until she heard a rush of water spill to the ground. Wasteful, she thought. Then she opened her eyes to look at the glowing green on her wrists. A constant reminder that she owed them nothing. She laughed with her whole body, and more water bunched and spilled over the basin’s edge. She watched the HMC slowly orbiting her like a moon. A second one oscillated between her and Thurwar.

“I don’t owe you people anything,” Staxxx said. The HMC flew in closer. “Anything but love,” she finished. She closed her eyes again and let the fizzing water hold her. She heard Thurwar approach. The smooth steps on nylon.

“I worry because someone has to,” Thurwar said.

Staxxx felt Thurwar’s brown eyes on her before she opened her own. Thurwar stood above her, breathing deeply, sweat beading at her temple.

Staxxx felt a chill run through her, even in the warm water. She loved how Thurwar could make her feel something with just a look.

“We did the right thing. And we’ll see how it goes,” Staxxx said. She could feel herself grinning. “I don’t want to feel like this is…this isn’t some extra burden on your homestretch.”

Thurwar walked the two steps to the cot and put Hass Omaha down on the ground. They didn’t talk about the end. They were warriors on a ride that kept going until they were Freed. One way or the other. High or Low. But somehow here it was. Two weeks away.

“If anything”—Staxxx tried to keep her voice sleepy and relaxed—“this new way is a guarantee. There’s a standard now. And if we’re good here, we’re good everywhere.”

“I know,” Thurwar said. “There are only five of us left.”

“You giants.” And though it shouldn’t have bothered her, Staxxx felt a pebble of hurt in her chest at not being included in the group Thurwar was thinking of. Yet. On the active Chains currently on the Circuit there were only four Colossal-ranked Links besides Thurwar. After her next win, Staxxx would join that esteemed class.

“Us giants,” Thurwar said.

“It’s better for all of us,” Staxxx said, and closed her eyes.

Thurwar started to pull off her clothes again. Once she was naked she used the showerhead attached to the basin to wash herself. She dried off and moved toward the freshly washed clothes that had been left for her. Clothes bearing both the hammer and the bountiful basket. As a kindness, the producers left sets of clothes for Staxxx in both Thurwar’s and Randy Mac’s tents as well as her own so she would never be tempted to wear the branded paraphernalia of a company that had not yet sponsored her.

Staxxx kept her face the same. She looked at her arms and saw names. Kitty Ruthless was the X on her biceps; Higgs “Landslide” Letupe on her forearm; a thick black bar crossed against another in honor of the massive man the Bear was above her knee. They’d all done so much. This was her purpose, making something of these horrors. And was there a difference between the Bear she’d mauled that morning and Gunny Puddles, whom she’d come so close to splitting open just an hour earlier? Was she a killer or had the world made her one?

“Yes,” Staxxx muttered to herself.

“What?”

“Legit self-defense is a different thing,” Staxxx said loud and hard.

“That’s what I’m saying,” Thurwar said. “We’re already good.”

“Well, this will make what is and isn’t clearer. It shouldn’t be that hard.” Staxxx looked at Thurwar and then the HMC, which was Link code for Don’t let them see you like this—or, in this case, Don’t let them make you something you’re not.

“Don’t make it a huge deal. We’re just trying something. We’re reminding everyone they’re something important, diamonds, better than diamonds.”

Thurwar tried not to roll her eyes.

“I’m saying we can show that we’re all, I don’t know, pristine, deep down. We’re just covered in varying degrees of shit. At our core we’re gleaming. That’s what we can tell them. And they’ll listen ’cause it’s you. You’re the mom of this family. I’m just the crazy aunt–slash–mistress. You decide how we move.”

Thurwar thought, If everyone is so pristine, then where did all this horror come from? They were quiet and Staxxx saw Thurwar blink against what she’d said.

“And I’m sorry, by the way. Sorry for today, the kid,” Staxxx said. “How are you feeling?” They protected each other in a myriad of ways. This was one of them.

Thurwar slipped into a robe with the LifeDepot™ hammer insignia stitched into the chest. The HMC bouncing between them moved closer to her to get an optimal angle of the logo before easing back and bobbing between the two again.

“I felt good, physically. I was ready.”

“Uh-huh.” Staxxx sat up in the water. An HMC watched her drip.

“And that’s why—” Thurwar turned to the HMC, deciding. She took a breath, then spoke as if to say, This truth I’ll share. “I was angry. I felt cheated. I am—”

Staxxx got out of the tub, dried, and wrapped herself in a towel.

“I don’t need help.”

“That makes sense,” Staxxx said. “Nobody wants to hit a little kid over the head with a hammer.” She sat beside Thurwar on the cot.

“Yeah, and especially not me, because I don’t need that. But also—” Thurwar stopped short.

“But also, of course you were relieved and kind of happy not to have to worry about winning.”

“I didn’t even let him finish saying whatever he was gonna say,” Thurwar said. She leaned into Staxxx and laughed. Her dry and full laugh that Staxxx knew came out in the moments when other people would have cried. “Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I let him speak? Why did they give me some kid like that?”

“I guess they wanted to see if the kid could pull a Thurwar on Thurwar.”

“I guess,” Thurwar said. “It’s dumb.” And that was that. Staxxx wanted more; she knew what every BattleGround match was for Thurwar. She knew that every time, a part of Thurwar hoped to fail. And every failure to fail was a wound reopened.

“Okay,” Staxxx said. “Us,” she said, and closed her eyes again.