Celestials

May 11th, 1993

My tummy felt better and I wanted to play.

I stayed home from school today because my tummy felt yucky. Mommy made me ginger ale and let me watch cartoons all morning. Then I fell asleep. Now that I was awake I wanted Mommy to play with me before Boreas got home from school.

I never got to play with Mommy by myself. Boreas was always home or Da wanted to see Mommy or sometimes Mommy was just sad and tired. She never used to be like that, but since spring she was.

Today Mommy was happy and smiling. She dressed pretty and brushed her hair and smiled a lot.

I snuck out of my room and went to the living room but she wasn’t there. Closing my eyes, I listened with all of my ears to hear where she was. I smiled. Noises were coming from outside in Mommy’s flower garden.

When I got outside, Mommy was sitting there with a letter next to her. I hoped the mailman brought me something!

“Mommy!” I yelled , running toward her and throwing myself around her waist. She always smelled like flowers and baby powder.

She hugged me gently back. “Hi, baby. I thought you were still sleeping.”

I smiled at her pretty green eyes. “I’m awake. Will you play with me?”

She smiled at me and kissed my head like she always used to do. “Sure, baby, for a little while.”

Mommy and I had a tea party in the garden. She even let me eat real cakes and cookies. When we were done she looked sad and I told her we could play more.

“No, baby. I have something I need to do before Da and Boreas get home. Listen carefully, can you do that?” she asked.

I nodded. It sounded like a big job. I could listen.

“I want you to go to your room and stay there until Da gets home. It’s important that you stay there, okay?”

I nodded again. “Yes, Mommy. Stay in my room. But why?”

She smiled sadly. “Because I need to do something important and you need stay in your room.”

“Is it a surprise?” I smiled. I loved surprises!

“Kind of.”

“Okay!” Surprises were always good – like cake or presents. I couldn’t wait until Da got home and we got our surprise. I hoped it was a tree house. Jenny from school had a tree house and it was really cool. Boreas and I really wanted one. He was two years older though and would probably kick me out. He was always doing that.

I stayed in my room for what felt like forever. I was so excited and kept peeking out front to see if Da came home yet. My room faced the street and I didn’t see Mommy or Da or anyone. Then I fell asleep again.

When I woke up Mr. Bear and I were in the garden sleeping. I laughed. Why did we sleep in the garden? Maybe this was the surprise.

Then I saw Mommy laid in her flowers too, like a princess. The chair from our tea party was turned over on the patio. Maybe that was the surprise – we were going to play princesses!

I moved closer to her, but Mommy didn’t move. She just stared at the sky and her face was frozen.

“Mommy?” I called. She didn’t move. My stomach felt funny again. “Mommy?”

I moved closer and saw that she was covered in blood, like in the movies. There were cuts on her throat and near her heart. A knife from the kitchen was laying the dirt and there were bugs crawling on it. Mommy said you should never play with knives because you might get hurt.

I got up on my knees and moved closer to her.

“Mommy!” I yelled but she didn’t wake up. Why didn’t she hear me?

I started shaking her and saw my hands were all red and so was my dress. I was covered in blood too! Ew. What happened? Was I bleeding?

I checked, but I didn’t see any cuts. It must be from Mommy. She was still sleeping. Why?

“Mommy! Mommy wake up!” Why didn’t she listen to me? I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be brave, but I was too scared.

I tried to shake her and I tried yelling at her but she wouldn’t talk to me. Finally, I put my head on her stomach like I did sometimes when we laid on the couch. I wanted to sing the songs she sang me when I was sick or hurt, but I couldn’t remember them. That made me cry harder but still Mommy didn’t wake up.

I just laid there as Mommy got colder. I wrapped my arms around her and tried my hardest to keep her warm, but it didn’t work.

A man walked by our gate. He was tall and bald and wore an orange shirt. I yelled for him to help me, but he just watched me with sad eyes. I screamed and cried for him to wake up my Mommy. His sad eyes just watched me and then he looked like he might come over.

Then Da came home and he cried. I told him to wake Mommy up but he just cried harder. Then a whole lot of people came over.

The police and the neighbors looked at me funny and the policeman asked me lots of questions. They kept telling me to make sure I told the truth. But I was telling the truth. Mommy and Da told me to never lie. I went to sleep in my bed and then I woke up in the garden. They kept asking what happened when I was asleep, but I was asleep and didn’t know.

Later we put Mommy in the ground and Da said she was in heaven with the angels. But I didn’t understand why she wanted to play with angels more than she wanted to play with me and Boreas. Didn’t we love her right?

Kids at school stopped talking to me. They gave me funny looks and didn’t want to be my friend. Sometimes when I thought about Mommy I would cry and they would laugh at me. Boreas and Margot were the only people who would talk to me. He said to ignore the other kids because they were stupid. Margot said real friends knew when you told the truth. But everyone was mean to me and Jenny didn’t even invite me to her birthday party. Katie Murray said that I killed my mom and that’s why she went to heaven. She said no one wanted to play with me because I was a murderer. But I wasn’t!

I didn’t understand. Why would I hurt Mommy? I loved her.

No one would talk to me. I wanted to move to a new school, but Mrs. Johnson, the lady who cooked for us and babysat me, said I couldn’t because then Da would have to sell his boat and couldn’t be a fisherman. I didn’t know why he couldn’t be a fisherman somewhere else. Somewhere that had kids who wanted to be my friends.