Celeste

Celeste didn’t leave her apartment. She didn’t go anywhere, including work. She didn’t want to talk to anyone.

There was this pain she had that made it hard for her to breathe, she it was easier for her to stay in bed for a few days. It was kind of hard not to panic when she doesn’t know what just happened. Her anxiety crept up on her, it kept her in bed, it made it hard to want to take care of herself.

She hasn’t felt like that in years.

Zinnia was gone.

There was no word from her.

Celeste couldn’t get a hold of her. The only thing she had was the information on her tablet. Celeste could monitor through the device, but that was it. She noticed the numbers were higher.

But that was it.

She had nothing else.

Zinnia had disappeared for the most part. Celeste didn’t know where or why?

Celeste had hoped that maybe something happened. At least then, she could help. But deep in her heart, she knew that’s not what was going on?

Maybe she rushed things. Maybe Zinnia really wasn’t ready.

But to leave without an explanation was a bit much, so Celeste thought.

It was a few days of Celeste feeling miserable. She hadn’t eaten or tried to clean herself up. When she had her panic attack at two in the morning, she only had one person to call for help. It was this pain that made it seem like her heart was trying to eat itself. That made everything worse.

She had to drag herself out of bed to get the door, and even then she didn’t think it was a good idea. Maybe she should be alone.

But she frightened her father when she called at two in the morning.

He was scared for her. He hadn’t heard her cry like that in years. He had to know what happened because she was just a blubbering mess a while ago.

Celeste’s face was puffy and red from crying, she had just stopped. Her silver hair was frizzy and unkept, her clothes a mess, her apartment just like that. She couldn’t look Aurora in the eyes. When she tried, she felt the tears weld in hers.

Her heart was racing again.

She didn’t know what to do.

She was heart broken.

He came inside and hugged her. His heart ached for her. He didn’t want to see her cry, especially like this, like something terrible happened to her. She hadn’t said much, and if she did, he didn’t understand any of it because she was crying so hard when she called earlier.

“Celeste, what’s wrong?” he asked her.

“She left.” She cried. “Zinnia left, and I don’t know what I did wrong.” she just about wailed when she tried to explain herself.

She hasn’t said anything to anyone about it yet.

It’s been a week and Celeste was miserable.

She was crying from a broken heart and Aurora couldn’t stand to see her like that.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Aurora was sure that none of this was Celeste’s fault.

Apparently him telling her that wasn’t enough for her to understand. She was stuck believing that maybe if she wasn’t so overbearing, Zinnia might be here, maybe things would be different.

It was her fault, that’s what she said to herself.

It took Celeste a long time to stop crying. She wouldn’t eat anything, she didn’t want to talk about anything. She was okay with not being alone, but that was it. She couldn’t distract herself because her mind would go right back to the fact that Zinnia was gone, and she was gone for good. Celeste was in denial.

She had a hard time accepting that.

She was curled up on her couch, clutching one of the pillows tightly in her fingers. She had wiped her face seconds ago and was trying hard to not let another tear drop but it was hard. Her chest still hurt, her heart was beating fast, but she had finally stopped crying enough to talk. Aurora was sitting next to her, patiently waiting for her to get herself together enough to explain what happened.

But there wasn’t much to explain.

“She just left.” she said quietly. “No goodbye, no reason, nothing.”

“That’s not your fault.” Aurora said to her.

“Maybe I smothered her.” Celeste wasn’t listening. “People tell me that I put all of myself into everything.”

“That was never a bad thing.” Aurora said. He hoped she wouldn’t go dull just because of this one incident. “Who would you be if you didn’t give your all into everything?”

“She might still be here.”

Zinnia meant that much to her. Even after this past week, Aurora couldn’t see why Celeste would still feel that way.

Then again, he hasn’t experienced this kind of pain before.

He took a breath and looked away for a second. Should he tell Celeste the truth? That not all relationships work out, and the first try isn’t always right? He himself didn’t have that kind of evidence, but he’s not like everyone else. Celeste isn’t like everyone else either.

People are different.

Relationships are different.

“I thought she wanted to be with me.” Celeste felt the ache in her heart again.

“Anyone that wants to be with you wouldn’t make you cry like that.” Aurora looked at her again, noticing the tears that welded in her eyes. He had hoped she wouldn’t go through this, but that would be expecting too much.

Heart breaks happen.

“I know she meant everything to you, Celeste, but...” Aurora wanted to be careful with his words, he didn’t want to make her more upset. That’s the last thing he wanted. “I’m not going to tell you to move on, but if she left without even saying goodbye, is it really worth the panic attacks?”

She wiped her face and mashed her lips together. Her skin was still hot and marked with her tears.

“Locking yourself up isn’t going to be good for you.” he added, since she really did try to dissociate from life for a few days. He was warning her.

He knew what it was like to want to be isolated.

He’s gone through that himself and it wasn’t any better for him.

“I don’t know what to do.” she admitted sadly. She felt lost.

“That’s okay.” Aurora said. “But you can’t stay inside. Life’s not going to stop because you’re having a hard time.”

Celeste wanted to stay inside. That was her broken heart telling her that. She knew better than to stay in her apartment, but it was easier to do that. It was quieter, it was low stress, and she could cry in peace. She felt like she would have a mental break down if she went outside.

“Do you want to come home?” Aurora asked. “I’d feel better if you weren’t alone.”

Celeste wiped her face again. There was a dull look in her eyes, and Aurora didn’t like seeing that. She’s always a happy person, and it wasn’t like her to be this upset. She didn’t have anymore tears to cry, though she felt that way, like if something goes wrong in the next ten seconds, she might actually start crying immediately.

“I’ll be okay.” she tugged on her pillow. “I have to go to work later or I’ll get in trouble.” she didn’t want to go, but she didn’t want to lose her job. If that happens, she’ll lose everything. “Thanks for coming to see me. I know you’re busy.” she rubbed her cheek, the soreness under her eyes coming back again.

“What would I be doing at three in the morning?” he laughed quietly. “I don’t do as much work as people think I do.” he teased her. “And I’m never too busy for you.”

She hugged him tightly.

She was lucky that he was more understanding of the situation. Though, she didn’t know that he had trouble thinking of things to say.

When she moved away, she was a little cautious, however. “Can we not tell...”

Sirus was a different story.

“I think he would track Zinnia down and that wouldn’t be good for anyone.” Aurora found the idea amusing. “I won’t say anything, but...he’s going to find out sooner or later.” he said. “As much as I’m good at keeping secrets, Sirus is rather good at reading people.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.” Celeste sometimes had a hard time lying. If she ever got away with it, she was lucky. “I’d rather everyone be in a safe environment when I say something to him.” she said.

It's for the best.

Celeste had enough emotions boiling inside her that she had to find a way to release all of it. It’s been a long while since she’s found herself toying with a fight simulation in the Capitol building. She’d spend hours working off the stress when there was nothing else for her to do.

This was where she came to release all that energy and frustration.

It was much better than being inside all on her own. At least she was doing something.

But she overworked herself.

With everything she was dealing with, it just made her more frustrated. She strained her body until she was numb. After that, she was just going through the motions.

Her heart still ached, her chest was tight.

Now she breathed harder, and sweat coated her skin. She was tired, but she kept herself going because eventually that pain in her heart had to go away. It can’t stay like that. She won’t stop until it’s gone.

Her black sports bra and athletic tights began to glow when the simulation was complete.

Her fingers were clenching hard, her knuckles pressing up again the black gloves she was wearing. She breathed hard, her lungs on fire, and her entire body hot from over working herself. She put the simulation on expert for a reason. She clenched her fists and the gloves glowed along with her clothes.

She started another trial.

Strands of her silver hair mashed to her skin. She wiped the sweat on her face as she kept her hands clenched. She was ready to go again, though her muscles throbbed and her chest ached. Her mind was elsewhere, focused on not getting herself hurt while going up against a program.

At least she was distracted. It took the whole day for her to get to this point. But at least she got there.

Just as the simulation was about to start again, it was put on pause, and she was sure that she didn’t pause it.

She stood up straight and breathed deeply. Her hands remained clenched, but she put her arms by her side as she tried to breathe. She was tired, anyone could see that.

She faced Sirus as he entered the room.

She knew the time was coming, but she didn’t want it to be now.

All of her emotions were still a mess, like one wrong statement and she could curl up and cry in seconds. She didn’t know what was about to happen, but she felt it all boiling inside her.

The heartache.

The resentment.

All of it was there.

Aurora kept his word, and didn’t mention Zinnia to him. But Sirus knows that Celeste has been locked up in her place for the week, and that she was completely miserable. She hasn’t been down here in years, and that was for a reason. She must be going through something terrible if he found her here. He didn’t have the whole story, though.

She has to tell him.

“She said she loved me, then she left.” Celeste said, her hands tightening again. She was definitely trying to hold back.

“Then she doesn’t love you.” Sirus thought it was simple.

He knew Celeste was blinded by her heart. She put all of her effort into everything and everyone. So Sirus wasn’t surprised to know that Celeste was having a hard time because she was in denial.

Celeste wanted to say there was more to it than what Sirus had said to her.

But she knew he was right.

So that just meant Zinnia lied to her.

And that was worse to deal with.

“I can’t...” Celeste couldn’t distract herself for long. She just felt so hurt.

She told herself she wouldn’t cry. She tried to hold it back, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t count the number of times she’s cried today, but she hoped that this would be the last time.

She brought her arm up over her face to wipe away the first few tears that spilled over. She wanted to be tough and hold it in, but she wasn’t very good at it, especially when she felt the pain in her heart. She kept her arm over her eyes when she began to cry again. She couldn’t stop.

Now she was feeling bad for herself.

She would tell herself to not be upset, but deep down, she couldn’t help it. It’s only been a few days, but she felt like it was just yesterday that she put it together.

She wanted to know why Zinnia would leave. Maybe that would make her feel better.

But for now, she cried in front of Sirus though she desperately tried to hold it in. She was trying hard.

When she felt Sirus’ hands on her shoulders, that’s when she knew it was okay. She hugged him tightly, more to hide her face on his shoulder while she cried. He didn’t think it was necessary for her to hide herself, but he also thought that she shouldn’t be crying over anyone.

“No one that loves you would make you cry this hard, Celeste.” he said.

It’s not going to change what happens. It’s not going to bring Zinnia back. It might make Celeste feel better for a minute, but crying over someone that left her was useless.

Sirus didn’t say all that to her.

She moved to wipe her face and collect herself again.

She wasn’t going to go on a rant about how much she loved Zinnia, how she thought they were going to be together for a while. She’d be delusional. Did she think this was going to happen? Not in the slightest, but pretending like it wouldn’t ever be a possibility was what was making her cry so hard.

Was she that in love?

It was enough to make her anxious. So she’d say she was.

At least she knows that if she continues to cry, it’s not from crippling anxiety. She was handling herself better than she was a few days ago, so that’s improvement.

“Gonna keep crying?” he asked her.

“No.” she answered through tight lips as she looked away.

“Great, cause your left side is a little weak and you need to work on that.” he hit her left shoulder. “I didn’t raise you like that.”

“That’s not my dominant side.”

“Clearly not.” Sirus said. “If you’re going to stay here all night, might as well work on that.” he said.

“Send one of your boys down here so I don’t have to use a computer.” She suggested.

Sirus scoffed. He’s had enough of watching soldiers in his sector get beat. It was crippling. None of them were as tough as his daughter, he had to admit that.

Celeste was feeling better.

Well, better enough that she didn’t feel the ache in her chest. To say that her sadness was gone would be a lie, but she released most of what was making her cry. At least now she could focus a little better.

Life wasn’t going to stop because she cried her heart out multiple times.

She knew how to pick herself up. That’s what she was good at.