Bubba And the Aliens

Lakanica

“Svarog is from Lakanica, like the Greek gods from Tzatziki. He was a criminal on his planet. He was banished to earth sometime around the third or fourth century B.C. in earth’s timeline as far as I could tell,” Arlo began to explain.

“Why do you know this?” Dingo asked and took his empty beer bottle to the kitchen.

“Because” Arlo answered as he swung his attention to Janet, “Bipodecus, told me about him when I asked if any of their people had been to earth. He was the guy who was contacted by the avatar Bubba acquired. He commanded the assault force who enabled our escape from the cargo ship to the surface of his planet.

“I tried to look up more about Svarog in the archives, but there was not much information. No one on Lakanica would talk to me about it, besides mentioning Svarog had been sent here. They wouldn’t even tell me why.”

“Why did this guy take you to his planet if you were supposed to be coming back to earth?” Janet queried.

“The avatars had been sent out a few months ago to a variety of planets when the Elvi kidnapped the Lakanican princess. They had a year to prepare her to be offered as a gift for the fifty-year celebration of Elvis’ return to the throne.”

“I thought he died on the throne,” Janet supplied, recalling her rock and roll history.

“That wasn’t the real Elvis,” I interrupted. “The true king left sometime in sixty-four and was replaced with a stunt double. The movies he made earlier in life were broadcast around the planet and into space. Someone passing by the planet noticed the family resemblance. If you look at the arc of his life and his music, it all began to go downhill by the late sixties. The drugs and alcohol affected him a bit differently than us because of his genetic makeup and the vast amounts he was consuming,” I supplied.

“Besides which, he was bored. He didn’t belong here. It must have haunted him,” Dingo stated.

“The King was kidnapped from his home planet as a baby and brought to earth through an ill-advised ransom scheme,” Dingo continued. “It is believed the criminals stashed him here and would reveal his location when they were paid off. It never happened because, in the attempt to capture them, their ship was blown up by an unlucky warning shot.

“They had an idea of which galaxy he was in, but not on which planet. Which made it kind of crazy they did the same thing to the princess, even though they weren’t looking for a ransom?” Dingo had stated this in a forlorn voice. He looked as if tears were about to roll down his face. “My momma loved Elvis,” he said. “She’s probably rolling over in her grave right now knowing we stole the princess bride.”

“We didn’t steal her!” Bubba exclaimed. “We rescued her! The Elvi stole her! Besides, I’m surprised you have any sympathy for them after the vacuums attacked Arlo, and what they did to us on Sesterisia.”

“Calm down Bubba, have another beer,” I said and handed him a fresh bottle. “Anyhow, we woke up in a field of purple wheat with Bipodecus waiting impatiently near us. We were not far from a village nestled in the forest. Bipodecus offered us a full explanation, along with food and drink in the village. We were all craving both after the meal bricks we were given on the cargo ship.”

“Reminded me of them old dehydrated MRE’s I had when I first joined the Army,” Bubba stated.

“I didn’t know you were in the Army,” Janet replied in surprise.

“Yeah, well the military training was imprinted somewhere in his brain, which is what triggered the avatar in the bazaar on Pilifin. It sent a signal to Bubba’s brain to make him think he needed to have it,” Dingo said with mild disgust. He went to get another beer.

“The Lakanica are not a military minded people,” I explained to Janet. “They are rather devious in their own ways though.”

“They’re a bunch of damn new age tree huggers is what they are,” Dingo stated as he returned.

“Be that as it may, they were very kind and welcoming to us in the village. Bipodecus explained they were looking for someone who could save the princess. He explained the avatars. He told us we had been rescued from a group being paid to sell us as slaves on a mining planet instead of bringing us back to earth.

“He rescued us, so we could rescue the princess. As violent and rabid lunatic earthlings, Bipodecus had been sent to make an initial observation of us.

“He told us the story of the princess’s kidnapping, showed us her picture, and took us to her father. You know Dingo and I were in the Navy together. Bubba was in the Army, so between us, we had some military experience, which did come in handy.”

“Why didn’t the avatar call out to you or Dingo?” Janet wondered.

“We were surrounded by guards at the bazaar. We suspect someone was hoping Bubba would get into more trouble there. They were trying to give him enough rope to hang himself. It did not seem he had quite as short a leash as the rest of us.”

“Why would you four idiots rescue a princess?” Janet wondered aloud.

“For the money,” Arlo answered directly. “For lots and lots of money as a matter of fact.”

“Which is something the Lakanica did have in abundance, sort of” I added. “Their planet has gold like we have oil. Most of their disposables are made out of it. Of course, they don’t have a lot of disposables. They think the planet is sacred. They live as close to nature as possible. Their plates, bowls, cups, utensils, window frames, and just about anything else you could think of was made of gold or gold alloy.”

“They said they would give us twenty thousand galactic units each,” Dingo stated with a faraway look in his eye.

“And chivalry,” Bubba said in defense of his own actions. “It was the right thing to do morally. She was absolutely beautiful. It was before what happened on Darfo. One of the prettiest women you can imagine. I would have probably done it for free if they asked. Of course, they didn’t tell us much about who kidnapped her right off. We didn’t know anything about the Elvi at that point.”

“Bipodecus explained to us, although earthlings are generally detested, we are one of the most violent races known. They said somewhere in the top five. They offered to get us back to earth as quickly as possible if we would help them rescue the princess,” I explained.

“But mostly for the money,” Arlo jumped in. “As I said, gold is like oil to them. Basically, it is cheap because it is everywhere. Dingo wanted to just take a ton of gold each. But, if you compare it to something like oil; oil is two bucks a gallon, and there are fifty-five gallons in a drum, so a hundred ten per drum at a weight of eight pounds per gallon, it is four-forty. Five drums would weigh one point one tons. The equivalent would be five hundred and fifty galactic units.”

“You lost me between oil and gold.” Janet observed.

“We could buy thirty or thirty-five tons of gold each with twenty thousand galactic units,” Arlo continued. “With what they were going to pay us, we just had to get it back to earth and wait until the gold market goes to say one hundred and twenty-five dollars an ounce. Each pound is worth two thousand dollars then. It’s four hundred thousand dollars a ton.”

“It was a get rich quick scheme,” Janet commented.

“Well, we did not have much to lose at that point,” I explained. “Also, we were kind of destitute and homeless, so we needed jobs. I’m the only one involved in any type of relationship. After being gone for almost two weeks, I figured it was probably over for us, or in serious jeopardy. I asked about just getting back home. They thought it would only take a week or two to rescue the princess. As Arlo pointed out, we would come back rich, which might take some of the sting out of our long absence. Bubba said you had to be missing for at least ninety days before you could be declared dead.”

“Happened to a cousin of mine,” Bubba stated and nodded his head.

“And I wouldn’t have to worry about them chinchillas,” Dingo said absently.

Janet nodded to herself. I had half expected some kind of outburst about commitment. We were both divorced. We had not decided where things were going with us yet. After a few moments, I realized she was not going to interrupt over this point.

“So, after listening to the tale they told, and realizing we had not been kidnapped, we agreed to try to help them. They claimed to have saved us from the mining colony and slavery. We figured we were going to need money.”

“What if you had told them no,” Janet asked. “Would they have sent you back here?”

“Well, they kind of hinted we would be free to do whatever we wanted on the planet. They would not pay to send us back to earth, even though they had altered our travel plans. And, although they wanted our help, they did not really want us on their planet.”

“So where is the gold?” Janet queried.

I looked around the room at the glum faces of my compatriots. “The money is in the bank,” I stated after a moment.

Janet noticed everyone’s attitudes about it and turned to me for answers.

“On Lakanica and some in Sesterisia” I added. “Well, most of it is on Sesterisia, or it will be in a couple of months. We were running from the Elvi when we jumped through time, so all the stuff we are telling you about hasn’t actually happened yet if I understand it correctly.”

“What do you mean?” She asked.

I turned to Arlo for a moment. We had talked about this on the drive back from the golf course. He was the science geek out of the squad. I read a lot of books and articles but had more of a rounded-out knowledge of things. He was the computer, time travel, conspiracy theory, and whatever else guy.

“Technically, even though we are here, we are also on Pilifin, and it is,” he looked down at his watch and did some mental calculations, “Friday afternoon there. They have a nine-day week, and their days are around twenty-six hours long. Most of the humanoid races developed on worlds similar to earth in atmospheric conditions. It depends on the size of the sun, the distance from it, and how far out on the corners of the known universe you are.

“Anyway, if you accept the fluidity of time,” he said pointing at the living room floor, “we are here, but we are also there,” he pointed up towards the ceiling. “Bubba and Dingo will go on trial for the assault on Osned in a few days.”

“It doesn’t make any sense Arlo!” Janet exclaimed.

“No, but it’s the truth,” I stated. “We basically have two problems. One, we can’t go get the money out of the bank, because it won’t be in the bank until seven or eight weeks from now.”

“And two?” Janet prompted.

“We don’t have a spaceship to get it with. Osned promised to return and take us back to Sesterisia in a couple of months. However, the Elvi or the Ozkerians might be waiting there or on Lakanica for us to go to the bank. We had a few hundred galactic units between us. We left them on the ship with Osned because they are useless here except as souvenirs.”

“I’m getting a little lost in all of this,” Janet stated.

“Good,” Bubba replied. “I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

Janet looked towards him and met his gaze for a moment.

“Jack said we should come back to earth and go back to our old lives for a couple of months.” He explained. “He said we should set our affairs in order. He said to start planning for what we were going to do after we got the money. According to him,” Bubba pointed at me, “we can’t hang around the border of Kansas with millions of dollars in gold and no reasonable explanation of how we got it.”

“We thought about doing some wander out of the desert thing in Arizona with a tale of finding it somewhere we could never lead anyone back to. The government would take forty percent of it or more. We would have to make sure everyone’s stories matched up and stayed straight,” Dingo informed her.

“So, what is your plan for the next couple of months then,” Janet asked as she turned towards me.

“I’m not completely sure yet,” I offered. It was the truth.

“I’m going to sell them chinchillas,” Dingo offered.

“What is up with you and the chinchillas,” Janet demanded coldly.

I rolled my eyes up in the back of my head for a moment. I knew what was coming.

“Do you remember them Naugahyde couches and chairs back in the late seventies and early eighties,” Dingo asked.

Janet responded with a negative shake of her head.

Dingo was visibly stunned. “How could you not know about Naugahyde?” He asked disappointedly.

“Get on with it,” she prompted.

“Anyhow,” Dingo started again, “a friend of mine’s kid has this chinchilla. Their fur is one of the softest things around. I thought about getting some chinchillas and crossbreeding them with some Naugas. Once I do, I’m going to sell Nauga-chilling couches and chairs. I figured the texture of the Naugahyde, and the softness of the chinchilla fur will be an instant hit.”

Janet looked at me completely perplexed. “What is a Nauga,” she asked.

“Well, here’s the proverbial monkey wrench in his plan,” I explained, “there is no such thing as Naugas. Naugahyde is a fake leather product made from petroleum. It is textured vinyl.”

“Now I’ve got to figure out how to get rid of five hundred chinchillas,” Dingo commented.

We all sat in silence for a few moments as the utter, brilliant, stupidity of his plan and lack of research sank in. He had explained it to me when we were having dinner on the ship a few weeks back.

“So, when does Jack talk to the spider things?” Everyone turned to look at Bubba.

“Not for a while yet,” Arlo replied.

“What spider things?” We all turned to look at Janet again.

“Three of the four of us had military training, as I stated earlier.” Janet nodded and I continued. “The Lakanicans had the location of the princess down to the planet, city, and building she was being held in. They are not a warrior race. The Elvi are somewhat, but more along the lines of a rogue nation. They generally abide by the rules of the Galactic government but know where they can be stretched.

“An envoy had petitioned the government to have a case brought against the Elvi for the kidnapping of the princess. If you think our government is inept and full of red tape, imagine it expanded to a Galactic level with over fourteen thousand planets involved.”

“You said six thousand earlier,” Janet corrected.

“Six thousand known races,” I corrected, “but many of them are like the earth and have not developed space travel sufficient to encounter another form of life yet. Some species have several planets. Anyway, it would take years for it to get sorted out in the court system. They only had three months until the celebration on Elva.”

“Which is where we came in,” Dingo offered.

“However, with them being a peaceful planet, they did not have weapons we thought would be sufficient for what we hoped would be a snatch and grab similar to what the Elvi had done.”

“This,” Arlo reminded us, “is why the universe is a funny place. The Elvi could have come and taken just about any girl on the planet. No one but the family, or the village elders would have cared. It would have worked its way through the local government before getting to the Galactic one and it all would have been moot. However, they happened to take the king’s daughter, Mikimo. She was out riding a bit away from her protective contingent. There was a battle to capture her. There were survivors to tell the king. There were a couple of dead Elvi, shot in the back, as proof of who had taken her.”

“If the Lakanicans are peaceful people, why was there a battle?”

“Well,” Dingo commented, “Even a peaceful people know they may have enemies due to greed or just general aggression. A royal house is always full of intrigue. A select few Lakanicans are trained as guards for the royal family. They were wusses in our estimation. There were twenty of them with the princess. One of the survivors did so only because he ran and hid during the fight. There were only five Elvi. At four to one odds, they killed all but two of the Lakanicans and took the princess.

“And the Elvi would not have been killed, except the guy that ran away came and shot them in the back as they were boarding the ship,” Bubba reminded us.

“Why didn’t they just pull her off the surface as they did with you guys on the golf course?”

“An excellent question Janet,” Arlo observed. “She has had some really good questions Jack, smart girl you’ve got there.”

“Thanks,” we both said at the same time.

“Do you have an answer,” she asked me.

I pointed to Arlo.

“They were in a small ship, not much bigger than a couple of minivans parked side by side. She was riding an animal about the size of a hippo. They did not want the animal on the ship. It was just a shuttle from the big ship in orbit, like you see on so many television shows and movies.”

“That have been written so we don’t freak out when we actually see one,” Janet stated.

I nodded. “Or, if you do, you will think someone must be making a movie and you just caught a glimpse of some film prop or special effects piece.”

“Interesting,” Janet murmured.

“It’s damn scary if you want my opinion,” Bubba declared. “Now I don’t trust nothing I see. We have seen some freaky stuff in the last few weeks!” He shuddered and took a drink of beer.

I began to wonder about Bubba’ mental state. He seemed pretty solid for the last couple of months. He took the planet hopping, the aliens, and the daily grind of our adventure in stride. Or so it had seemed. Now, sitting on the couch in my living room back on earth, I was afraid it was all catching up to him. Maybe he told himself this was all a dream and now reality was hitting him. Of course, he was only missing about ten hours of earth time. We might be able to get him drunk enough to pass out and conspire to never speak of it again in his presence. It would work for a little while. Eventually, we would all get together, Arlo would start laughing about octopussies, and it would be over. Bubba would be mad at all of us. Still, it might be worth it. I had an idea to put into place later.

I started speaking again while I let the thought ruminate. “We had to find a race of creatures with some knowledge of weapons. We did not need anything too heavy or sinister. We needed to train with those weapons and get a few more guys to help. We also wanted to spend a few days on Elva to get the lay of the land and see how to blend in. Although we were willing to do it for the gold, the other people were going to want to be paid with galactic currency.”

“Boy did we find them!” Dingo said with a bit too much enthusiasm. “Elsa was a freak!”

“Who is Elsa?” Janet inquired.

“Not yet,” I interjected, “Before we did any of that, we went to Elva with Bipodecus and an envoy from the King of Lakanica, where the envoy delivered a formal complaint demanding the return of the princess. The witnesses from the battle were given an opportunity to speak at an unofficial hearing. No one but the envoy and the witnesses spoke. We were instructed to observe in silence. It didn’t really matter anyway. It was all a dog and pony show.”

“What do you mean?” Janet asked.

“There’s no way to prove it,” Arlo jumped in, “but we are fairly sure someone at the hearing was in league with Carmenelli. He was the guy who led the kidnapping. Of course, we did not know it at the time. When presented with the location of the princess as observed from space, we were allowed to go and search the home.”

“She wasn’t there when we got there,” Bubba stated. “They had taken her somewhere else.”

“The envoy was told it was a false accusation. He had nothing but rumors and circumstantial evidence, therefore, get back on your ship, go back to Lakanica and take it up with the Galactic court,” I summarized.

“If they ever were found guilty, it would be way too late to do anything. They would pay some kind of fine and take their slap on the wrist.”

“Have you ever heard the phrase; not my monkeys, not my circus,” Janet inquired.

“Come on Janet,” Bubba began. “If some girl you knew got kidnapped and we could help get her back, you would want us to do it, even if we didn’t know her, right?”

Janet eyed Bubba for a moment She slowly nodded her head after meeting his eyes and seeing the intensity of his emotions. “So, what did you do?′

“We got back on the ship and headed back to Lakanica.”

“Wait a minute,” Janet interrupted. “How did you know they were Elvi?”

“Told you she was smart,” Arlo quipped. “Elvi have a secondary heart and a much smaller liver, unique to them as humanoids. We asked the same question because if you watch movies or old documentaries there is nothing to define Elvis as any different than any other human on our planet.”

“Are we called a humanoid race?”

“Well, we are part of the bipedal, warm-blooded, asymmetrical race classification.” I supplied. “I don’t know what everyone else in the universe calls us. Elvi would probably say we are part of the Elvoid race somewhere, and Lakanicans would say something similar.”

“What other kinds of races are there?” Janet wanted to know.

“If you can imagine it, it is probably out there,” Dingo contributed. “We saw a lot of crazy stuff in some of the spaceports. I can’t even begin to explain half of it. If you have seen it on television, there is probably some truth to it somewhere. I am beginning to wonder who is writing all those shows for the Syfy channel now.”

“A good question,” Arlo observed. “Of course, in a couple of months, it won’t matter.”

“Why not?” Janet asked, whipping her head around to look at him.

“Um, maybe you ought to let Jack keep telling you about what happened.”

“Is something going to happen to the earth?” She persisted.

“No, no,” I assured her as she turned back to me. “It’s just the Elvi know we are earthlings. Eventually they are going to start looking for us on our home planet. Because of the translator things we got injected with, we can be found on the planet easily. There are only a few thousand space travelers here at best. However, our unique planetary DNA, along with the translators, limits the search to less than a few hundred people.”

“You’re telling me there are other people on earth who have been to other worlds?” Janet exclaimed with a look of concern.

“Alien abductions,” Bubba said slowly. “Man, I used to think those people were crazy! I mean not everyone else was abducted. Some made friends with aliens and just left, but there is a high percentage of abductees in the group. Of course, most of the abductees are not given translator thingies.”

“You expect me to believe in alien abductions,” Janet said in disbelief.

“Well, if you think about it, all of us were abducted,” Dingo explained and took another drink.

Janet eyed all of us in turn. As she met each person’s eyes, they nodded their head slightly. Finally, she returned her gaze to me. “At least three times,” I said.

“What do you mean three times?”

“Well, from Earth, from the space cruiser supposed to bring us back, and then the Elvi grabbed Bubba, and Osned grabbed the rest of us on Sesterisia.”

“Wait, I thought Osned, was on Pilifin being some sort of celebrity,” Janet replied.

“Yeah, it’s what we thought too,” Dingo answered, but he did not expound. “Of course, he didn’t really abduct us from Sesterisia. He just picked us up.”

“So, he did not become a celebrity?”

“He was, and” I looked at my watch, the date was fifty-seven days ahead of when we had left Earth, “he will be in a couple of weeks. Forget about Osned for the moment. We will get to him again later.

“When we got back to Lakanica we consulted with their envoy and king. After deciding to commit to the task of rescuing the princess, we had to get them to point us in the right direction for weapons, training, and a few more men.”

“Now are you going to talk about the giant spider things,” Bubba queried.

I turned to him and nodded. “Yes Bubba, we are going to talk about the Araselanomonfilikhelids or Khelids for short,” I explained to Janet.