SWNOVELS Chapter 47
Mom leans back in the Adirondack chair and takes a long drink from her glass of wine.
She looks older than she did three weeks ago before Dad killed Santoro. Her hair’s whiter and the wrinkles around her mouth are more pronounced. She’s been hiding in the house with Dad, currently out on bail, the two of them refusing to come out and address the family, at least until now.
“How mad is Simon?” Mom asks. She sounds more tired than upset.
“Pretty mad,” I admit, which is an understatement. He’s fucking livid. I think he’d charge into their house and kill Dad himself if he could. It’s not even the whole gay relationship thing that bothers him—it’s more that Dad’s been lying and covering for his lover all this time and that he cheated on Mom and kept a flame going for Santoro despite everything.
“He’s the only one that hasn’t reached out.” She stares straight ahead. “Even Davide came over, but your father’s not up for talking right now. I think… I think he’s still mourning Luciano.”
I sit stiff and dig my nails into my thigh. “How’s that make you feel?”
“Sad. Exhausted. I’m happy he did it.” I’m surprised when she smiles at me. “Is that strange? It probably seems strange to you, but I’m glad he finally saw the real Luciano and pulled that trigger.”
I shiver and look down at my hands. I can’t begin to understand the complexities of their relationship. Back in the day, Luciano was like a member of our immediate family. He was basically my uncle throughout my early childhood.
“I think Davide just wants closure,” I admit. That’s the impression I’ve gotten from talking to him. “And Laura doesn’t seem to mind either way. I think she likes Dad a little bit more.” I smile to myself. “And Angelo, well, you know Angelo. When I told him, he was just like, ‘Guess that makes sense. Put more money in my commissary.’”
Mom curls up into herself. She looks like she’s holding her guts inside, and I think she’s crying, but when she turns back to me her face is completely dry, and she’s forcing herself to smile. “And how do you feel, hon? It can’t be easy. You were there.”
She’s right. It’s not easy. I keep replaying what happened in my head again and again even though Brody says it isn’t healthy and that there’s nothing I could’ve done. Nobody knew Dad had a gun. Nobody even remotely guessed that Dad would’ve killed Santoro like that. And yet here we are, dealing with the fallout.
“I’m just sorry for you,” I say finally and try not to cry. “What Dad did to you—”
“Your father loved me,” she says and that makes me flinch. “I knew, it’s hard for you to understand, but it’s possible to be in love with more than one person. And when it was time for him to choose between me and Luciano, he chose me, and he chose all of you. It was a long time ago, and I’m not mad at him anymore. He proved to me a thousand times over that he’s sorry.”
I rub my face and finish my wine. “Even though he clearly never let go of Santoro?”
“We can’t help how we feel,” she says, sounding small and distant.
I get up and hug her. She hesitates, but she hugs me back. I want to be mad at her, but none of this is her fault. Even if she did make Dad swear to keep his relationship with Santoro secret, I don’t blame her for that one bit. She probably hoped they could put what happened behind them, but Santoro never gave up and never stopped coming for our family.
“Tell Dad I want to talk when he’s ready.” I pull away from her and wipe my eyes. “I’m mad at him, but I want to understand.”
“Give him some time. I think we’re all still processing.”
“I love you, Mom, and I’m so sorry for everything.”
Her smile breaks my heart as she puts a hand on my arm. “I love you too, hon, and don’t be. I got so many good years with all of you, and in some ways I’m happy the truth is out. It’s one less burden to carry.”
I leave her a little while later and find Brody waiting for me on the sidewalk. His big, strong arms pull me into him for a long hug and he kisses me gently on the lips. That goes a long way to making me feel better.
“I talked with Captain Kennedy earlier,” he says as we walk back towards the house holding hands. “He’s amenable to the self-defense thing, but he’s not sure if he can convince the DA to drop the charges. I had to pull a lot of strings and call in a ton of favors, but it seems like our story’s going to hold up. Those weapons were Santoro’s, and Santoro’s the one who tried to brutally murder your father. Moretti’s on board too, thanks to your brother’s generosity.”
I smile to myself. “I guess a crooked cop is a simple cop, right? You know what they want.”
He squeezes my hand and we pause on the porch. “How’d your mom seem?”
“Holding in there. She says it’s almost a relief that everyone knows.” I glance down the street toward Simon’s house. “But I’m worried the family won’t ever be the same.”
“We’ll work through it. Whether your father goes to prison or not, your family’s strong. You love each other. It’ll be okay.”
I’m not sure I believe him, but I love him for saying that anyway. I kiss him and let him gather me into his arms again.
“I’ll work on Simon. He’ll come around.”
Brody laughs gently, a low chuckle. “I’d tell you that’s not your place, but we both know you can’t help yourself.”
I grin at him. “If I can help, even a little bit, I have to try.”
“I know, baby, and it’s part of what I love about you.”
We kiss on the porch before heading inside. Laura comes over that night for dinner. Davide and Stefania show up. Emily and Simon make an appearance. The house is full, and I can tell it makes Davide uncomfortable, and Laura would probably rather be back at home, but everyone stays late. Ever since the truth about Dad came out, it’s like we’ve been trying harder to get close to each other. If only Angelo were here too.
Stefania sits with me out back as sweet-smelling logs crackle in the fire pit. Laura’s discussing horror movies with Davide and they’re both smoking cigars. Simon took Emily back home—she’s practically an inch away from giving birth. Brody’s clearing up inside and pouring everyone more wine.
“I’m sorry about what happened,” Stefania says, keeping her voice low. “Davide told me about it and I’m still blown away.”
“None of us had any clue, but it makes sense, right? I mean, why else would Dad go out of his way to keep Santoro alive at every turn?” I shake my head and look up at the stars. “I just don’t understand why he pulled the trigger.”
Stefania’s quiet then moves her chair closer. “I think your dad finally understood. Sometimes you can love a person and you can hate them at the same time, but the person you loved is long gone, and the person you hate is still here. Does that make sense? And I think your dad finally realized that he was stuck in the past.”
“It was the attack. He said that’s what did it.” I pick up a stick and toss it into the fire. “I don’t think I’ll ever really totally understand.”
“That’s okay though, isn’t it?” Stefania smiles at me and puts a hand on my arm. “Look, you want to fix everything. It’s what you do. But you can’t fix what happened in the past, and you can’t fix this whole situation. Sometimes you just have to focus on what you can control.”
The sliding door opens and Brody steps out. He carries over wine for me and Stefania, and stoops down to kiss me.
And maybe she’s right. I can’t magically make everything with Dad okay. Simon’s going to be pissed for a long time, and I doubt any amount of talking and explaining will fix it. They have to come to their own conclusions and find a way to move on if they want to. I can be there to talk, to listen, maybe to nudge them a little in the right directions—but I can’t wave a magic wand and make everything okay.
Brody sits in the chair next to mine and I take his hand. It’s big and warm and I rub my thumb across a callus. He’s right there for me, always by my side, even though this whole situation’s completely fucked. That doesn’t seem to matter. For the first time in my life, I feel like someone else is taking care of me, instead of the other way around. He smiles and I smile back.