Broken (Surrender Book 1)

I STOOD INSIDE MY walk-in closet, scanning the various articles of clothing. I decided on tie-dye multi-colored maxi dress with spaghetti straps. My hair was pulled up in a messy bun which sat high on top of my head, in its natural curly state. After conditioning my skin with shea butter, I applied mascara, eyeliner, and clear lip gloss to complete my look.

The streets were tranquil. Mainly dog walkers, joggers, cyclists, and early riser shoppers were out enjoying the morning spring air. As I crossed the road toward the cafe, I spotted Conner with his back to me and phone to his ear.  I slowed my steps, enjoying the view of him from behind, as he faced the windows of the cafe.  His short-sleeve white henley comfortably stretched across his muscular back. His tailored, faded denim jeans fit his tall, lean frame perfectly. Everything he wore, down to his low-top white Burberry leather sneakers and up to his Patek Philippe wristwatch, screamed understated wealth. I smoothed my hands down the rayon fabric of my dress that clung to my hips and tucked a few stray curly tendrils back up into my bun. Putting a little pep in my step, I headed over to him.

Conner turned to me. I blushed as his piercing gaze drank me in from head to toe. His eyes reflected unfiltered carnality, and his typical hardened facial expression remained intact.  ‘Just do your fucking job,’ his snapped at the unfortunate person on the call, his voice impatient and cross. I attempted to take a few steps back, to give him some privacy, only to have my hand clasped and pulled closer to him.

I now stood a few mere inches from him, and he snaked his arm around my waist. I tipped my head back to look up at him. ‘I don’t give a shit,’ he said. ‘Tell Stephanie…’ More background chatter from his phone. ‘Jesus Christ, when does she get back?’ More background chatter. ‘Well, tell Receptionist…’ More background chatter. ‘I don’t give a fuck what her name is. Tell her to overnight the files to the LA. branch.’ His hand lightly stroked my back as he barked commands into the phone. ‘Schedule the meeting,’ he commanded, before disconnecting the call and pocketing his phone.  His hardened mask immediately softened as he looked down at me. ‘Hey, angel. You look amazing.’

He had an uncanny ability to switch between total douche bag to attentive gentleman, within the blink of an eye.  ‘Hey, yourself,’ I said, fully aware that I hadn’t stepped back from his embrace, further blurring the friendship lines. ‘You really call your receptionist Receptionist, and not by her name?’

He shrugged while massaging the nape of my neck. His vivid green eyes were freakishly bright today in the sunlight. ‘I have no fucking idea what her name is.’

‘That is outrageous,’ I lightly admonished. Conner’s hard body felt heavenly up against me. Instead of removing myself from his touch, I rested my hands on his bulging biceps. ‘You, umm, wanna go in?’

A smile twitched his lips, completely aware of his effect on me. ‘Let’s go in.’ After holding the door open for me to enter, he laced our fingers together. A sea of women drank him in, instead of their beverages, with every step we took towards the counter. Conner seemed unfazed as lustful eyes followed his every move. Miriam, our Barista’s name tag read, didn’t even glance my way or acknowledge my presence, too busy eye-boning Conner.  We ordered our coffees, and I retrieved my wallet from my bag. Conner looked down at me like I was an adorable little kitten and snorted a chuckle before handing Miriam his money.

We decided on a small outdoor table shaded by mature trees, which shielded us from the sun. ‘Always the perfect gentleman,’ I complimented, as he pulled my chair out for me.

‘Not always,’ he smirked, as he took his seat across from me.

Oh, mind of mine, get out of the gutter. ‘I forgot to ask you the other night. Do you know Fatima McKay? She went to high school with you and Quentin.’

He took a sip of his coffee, and I couldn’t help but notice his tan forearms. Veins were roped around hard muscle like he spent hours pumping iron. ‘Yeah, I remember her. Tall black chick, right? Dreads?’

‘Yep. She’s my cousin.’

‘Small world. We didn’t really hang out, but we had a few classes together. I don’t think she liked me very much,’ he said on a chuckle. ‘She called me an asshole on more than one occasion.’

Laughing, I said, ‘That sounds like Fatima, alright. Were you acting like an asshole?’

‘Probably,’ he drawled.

I realized that I was staring at his forearms, and then his long fingers as they held on to the coffee cup, for a few seconds too long. I quickly averted my eyes to his face, only to see a slight smile curving his lips. Busted. 

I chewed on my bottom lip, a nervous habit that I had. After clearing my throat and taking a sip of my coffee, I asked, ‘How well do you know Amy?’

He paused for a beat, his eyes on my lips, before looking into my eyes again. ‘Well enough, I guess.’ He scrubbed the palm of his hand along the side of his jaw. ‘You two close?’

‘We’re besties. I’ve known her half of my life.’

He nodded wordlessly.

‘I met Amy at a time in my life when things were pretty screwed up. She helped me get through a lot of stuff. She’s like a sister to me.’

‘I didn’t know you two were so close. That’s…that’s great.’

Something shifted between us, and an awkward silence filled the air around us. ‘Were you as surprised as I was when Amy and Quentin became a couple?’

‘In a way, yes.’ He didn’t elaborate. Just coolly observed our surroundings.

I chuckled lightly before continuing.  ‘I guess one never truly knows how life will turn out and who you’ll end up with.’

He grunted his agreement as he took another swallow of his coffee.  He now looked at me, but his eyes were a bit distant…void. I swear he could turn those things off by command. It was fascinating and eerie at the same time.

‘Did you hang out at the lake back in high school? I never did. Maybe that’s why you and I never met. My dad was super strict and kept a pretty tight leash on me. I used to be so jealous when Amy would go to the lake. She used to say everyone who was anyone hung out there. Quentin, Maggie, Wesley, and a bunch of other popular kids from Covington and Manchester Prep.’

‘Wesley?’ His eyebrows drew together.

‘Yeah, do you know him? I’ve never met him, but I’ve heard a lot about him.’

‘Oh, yeah?’ Curiosity and something else filled his eyes.

‘Yeah.  Between you and me, I always thought Quentin and Maggie would have ended up together, and Amy with Wesley.’ As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I realized that I had divulged way too much information. Seeing that he was Quentin’s BFF, I needed to tread lightly.

‘Maggie’s not Quentin’s type,’ he commented as he shook his head.

I tilted my head. ‘Really?’  Maggie and Amy look exactly alike.

Conner only shrugged. ‘Some crazy shit used to go down at the lake. Your father was a smart man, not letting you go. That was no place for a good girl like you. I would have corrupted you.’ With a faint smirk and the seriousness in his eyes, I believed him.

‘Yeah, okay. Whatever.’ I rolled my eyes, a bit flustered. I’d heard plenty of rumors about those infamous hangouts at the lake.  Fatima told me all about it. Amid seclusion, bored rich kids who were looking for a thrill partook in booze, drugs, and sex. The fact that Conner participated in those outings made me wicked with jealousy, and I did not want to know the details.

‘Conner! I thought that was you.’ A pretty platinum blond of the Playboy Playmate variety was now standing at our table. Though her fake double D boobs screamed bimbo, her Chanel summer dress and Hermes Birkin bag screamed wealthy socialite. ‘You haven’t called me, mister.’ She pouted her lips and ran her french manicured fingers through her layered locks. ‘You look great, as always.’ She licked her pink painted lips as she smiled flirtatiously at him.

Conner gave a curt nod. ‘How are you…’ He hesitated for a few awkward seconds before continuing. ‘…Sasha?’ I think he honest-to-goodness forgot her name.  I was pleased with this but had a sinking feeling that they had slept together. She looked at him as if she had x-ray vision through his clothing. His body slightly tensed. How could you forget someone’s name that you had sex with?

‘I’m great! I’m a lawyer at daddy’s firm now.’ She rested her hand on his shoulder as she spoke.

Straight-faced, he stared at her hand on his shoulder until she got the hint and removed it. I sat back amused, both hands around my coffee cup. I stared blankly at their interaction. ‘Sasha, this is my friend Novalee. Novalee, Sasha.’ He glanced at me apologetically.

Sasha turned to me. ‘Oh, hello.’ And the academy award goes to… She appeared to be surprised, as if she hadn’t even known I was there. Her facial features were marred with surprise, then jealousy, then smugness, but she quickly recovered. Her painted lips stretched into a tight smile.

‘Nice to meet you…Sasha, is it?’ I learned how to be nice – nasty from the best…Helena. I smiled a natural smile, while my eyes said tread carefully, Sasha.

In three seconds flat, her gray eyes sized me up from head to toe, focusing on my dark hair with narrowed eyes, before averting her attention back to Conner. A very tense Conner. His face placid, but his body language, rigid. They absolutely had sex. And she was totally his type.

‘Take care, Sasha.’  Conner effectively dismissed her.

‘Maybe we can get together soon. To, you know, catch up. It’s been weeks. That’s far too long.’

Their hookup was recent? I arched an eyebrow. Conner slightly winced.

‘Yeah, that’s not going to happen,’ Conner said to an instantly crestfallen Sasha.

Sasha looked between the two of us, and then to Conner’s hand, as it found my hand across the table, and clasped it. My hand was limp in his. Sasha held her chin up high. ‘Nice to meet you, Novalyn.’

‘Likewise, Sidney.’ I innocently smiled.

‘Jesus fucking Christ. Just go,’ Conner’s authoritative voice bit out, exasperation oozing from him in waves.

Looking affronted, Sasha turned on her heels and sashayed away. I removed my hand from his immediately.

‘Sorry about that.’ He gazed for a reaction from me. I didn’t give him one. My face remained indifferent.

I casually sipped my coffee. ‘Female acquaintance?’

‘Yes, someone from my past.’

Recent past. What Conner did, and with who he did it with, didn’t concern me and shouldn’t have bothered me the way it did. The emotions brewing inside of me were unsettling. His eyes were still on me as I pulled out my phone and glanced at the time. ‘Today was fun, Conner. But I should get going. I have a ton of studying to do.’ 

‘Umm, sure. Yeah, okay.’ We discarded our cups in a nearby trash bin. ‘Did you walk here?’ He put his hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the street.

‘Yeah.’ I looked up at the bright, cloudless, blue sky, then at the pedestrians who passed us on the sidewalk. I looked any and everywhere but at him.

‘I’ll walk you.’

‘Okay, cool.’

We walked side by side, his hands in his pockets, mine holding on to my purse strap.

‘I have a past, Novalee. I’ve never been a saint. Never claimed to be.’

I slowed my steps to a halt, and we turned to face one another. I folded my arms across my chest. I looked up into his lucent green eyes. Really looked into them, which I’d tried not to do, afraid of what I might actually see there. To my dismay, I saw nothing. Emptiness stared back at me.

‘You don’t owe me an explanation, Conner. We’re just friends, remember. You can screw your way through the greater state of Texas for all I…’ I couldn’t even finish that sentence. I did care. A great deal. Too much so.

A group of people passed us wearing matching family reunion shirts. I stepped closer to Conner, to allow them to pass.

‘Excuse me. Would you mind taking a picture of us?’ The fanny-pack wearing woman asked, extending her disposable camera towards me.

I smiled as I reached for the camera.

‘We’re busy here,’ Conner gruffly said, not even sparing her a glance.

The woman’s smile faltered as she stepped back. ‘Of course, I will,’ I assured her, before looking back at a slow brooding Conner. He was simmering like he was about to erupt at any moment.

The woman looked back and forth between the two of us. My smiling face and Conner’s scowling one. ‘Everyone stand closer together,’ I called out to the family. She smiled warmly at me before rolling her eyes at Conner.  I stifled a laugh.

Conner stood off to the side, and I felt his stare burning into my back. I took my time, snapping shots, having the family pose in different ways. Finally, I handed the woman back her camera.

‘Thank you, honey,’ she said before she and her group walked away.

I turned back to Conner. ‘Let’s get something straight. You don’t speak for me,’ I said, even-toned and calm. He arched an eyebrow and cocked his head to the side. ‘You’re an asshole. It seems to be embedded in you. And I get it. I figure you’re used to having people fawn all over you. You’re a shot caller. A boss. I accept that. But when you’re with me, you need to tone down your inner asshole. Capeesh?’

In a matter of seconds, a flurry of emotions etched across his face. First shock, then anger, and then…arousal? He snaked an arm around me, while his other arm caged me in, against the wall of a storefront.

‘What the hell?’ My words were cut off when he crashed his mouth into mine and forcefully parted my lips with his tongue. I submitted under his kiss. He tasted minty and like fresh coffee. His kiss was aggressive, and our tongues desperately wrestled with one another’s. As our kiss deepened, he fiercely gripped my hair. No doubt, my bun was now a lopsided mess. That pissed me off, provoking me to part my mouth from his, but not before sinking my teeth, hard, into his bottom lip.  His response? His throbbing erection grew even more firm, and he bit my lip harder, dragging his teeth across my bottom lip before releasing it.

Our breaths were haggard. His hand, still in my hair. His arm, still caging me in. His body pressed against mine. My arms, still by my sides.

‘I’m fucking crazy for you, Novalee,’ he said, his voice a low growl, as he pressed his forehead to mine. Someone in the distance called out, ‘Get a room. They’re families out here!’ Which led to Conner flip them his middle finger, without even sparing a glance.

‘This will never work. Let’s not kid ourselves,’ I said, our foreheads still touching.

‘Why not?’ Both his hands were now caressing my cheeks.

‘I’m not the girl you’re supposed to be with it, Conner. And you’re not the guy that I’m supposed to be with.’ I looked up at him, desperately trying to break the connection, the spell that he seemed to have over me. He stepped back, maybe an inch, and stood up straight to his full height. I had to get through to him. Show him that we were not a good fit. ‘When’s the last time you had sex?’ I boldly asked.

He didn’t skip a beat, didn’t falter at all, as he looked me in my eyes and responded. ‘Two weeks ago.’

Ouch. That wasn’t supposed to hurt. However, I remained stoic. ‘So, a week before you met me, you had sex with someone. Was it Sasha?’

‘Does it matter? I didn’t know you then.’

‘Wow.’ I deflated. Images that I didn’t want swam around in my head.

‘You have a very active sex life. And that’s okay. You’re an attractive young single man. But you also love variety. And that’s where we’d have a problem.’

He adamantly shook his head, looking down at his feet. ‘I don’t give a shit about those other women; they don’t give a shit about me.’

‘That’s not very comforting, Conner. You’ve known me for a week. You unapologetically told me all about the whole ‘no commitment, no expectations’ way you live your life. I can’t have any parts of that.’

‘I’m not a cheater, Novalee. I won’t fuck you over like he did,’ he said, defensively.

‘But you’re a womanizer. You change women faster than most people change their sheets.’

He winced, and his jaw ticked. ‘I’m not a liar. Yeah, I may have an …unwholesome past. I’m the type of guy that your father warned you about. I’m a selfish prick with entitlement issues. I’m fucking privileged and don’t apologize for it. And I’ve never given a shit about what anyone thinks of me. Until I met you. You’re fucking under my skin. I want to please you, and not just with my dick.’

With that less than stellar review of himself, I should have run for the hills. But instead, I let my heart and hormones do the talking. I felt my cheeks heat and knew my fair skin was reddening. I shook my head. ‘Conner, I…’ I trailed off.  ‘The breakup with Andre was worse than you think.’

‘What do you mean, worse than I think? Did he hurt you, physically?’ I could feel the lethal rage emanating off him, as his eyes bore into me.

I shook my head. He visibly relaxed.

‘Do you still love him?’

‘No,’ I answered without skipping a beat.

‘Good, but not that it mattered. I would have made you forget all about him.’ He grazed his knuckles along my jaw and rubbed the pad of his thumb along my bottom lip.

‘I walked in on him having sex with someone else. With my mother.’ I couldn’t look him in the eye. But it was time he knew the truth about me. That I was probably unlovable. My dad and stepmother loved me, sure. But the woman who gave birth to me? And the man who I’d planned to spend the rest of my life with?  I wasn’t worth it, to either one of them.

‘Fuck,’ he drawled. I wanted to disappear. ‘Hey,’ he said, tilting my chin up toward him. ‘You’re amazing, you know that? The fact that you went through that, and you still shine the way you do, lets me know that they didn’t break you.’

I didn’t see pity when I scanned his face. I saw admiration. I saw fascination. I saw passion. ‘Could you really let go of all the Sashas in your life?’

‘They were just casual fucks. Nothing more, nothing less. No dates. No meeting the parents. None of that bullshit.’ His honesty was brutal and disconcerting. ‘But I wouldn’t mind those things with you.’ He tugged on my hair tie, releasing my bun, causing my hair to spill out around my shoulders. He slowly and leisurely racked his fingers through my hair. ‘You make me want different things,’ he said, the words seemingly foreign to him.

This wasn’t the type of man that my parents had in mind for me. This wasn’t the type of man that I had in mind for myself. But obviously, I had a hard head because I didn’t want to play it safe. The truth of the matter was, he made me want different things too. My uncomplicated life now seemed achingly lackluster.

I was tired of fighting the connection that I had with this man. Consequences be damned. ‘What do you want from me?’ It was barely a whisper. My voice was thick with emotion, as I studied his gorgeous face.

A slow seductive smile curved on his lips. ‘I want you to be mine. Only mine. And I want to be yours. Only yours. And I want to consume you in every fucking way.’ Consume as in devour or as in devastate? 

‘I’m not ready to sleep with you. I need to make sure that what we have is not like what you had with the others. So, either you use your hand for the time being, or we’ll be done. I’ll leave you forever if you cheat on me.’ I meant every word and emphasized it slowly so that there was no confusion.

‘For the millionth fucking time, I would never cheat on you,’ he said with equal emphasis, and no heat in his voice.

My gut told me to believe him. That he was a lot of things, but a cheater was not one of them. ‘One week, Conner. We’ve only known each other for one week. This seems quite impulsive.’

‘You’re not ready.’ It wasn’t a question he asked, but rather a statement.

‘I don’t think you’re ready, Conner. And that’s okay. We can just be friends. No rush.’

‘I don’t want to be your friend. I’m not that guy. I want all of you.’ He wrapped a curly lock of my hair around his finger. My insides turned to mush.

‘When’s the last time you were even in a committed relationship?’ Surely, he’s had at least one serious relationship before.

‘Tenth grade. I was sixteen. There was a girl back in Pennsylvania. It wasn’t that deep. She’s a great girl, though. Married now with three kids,’ he said very matter of factly.

Goodness. It was worse than I thought. One high school relationship in all his twenty-seven years? ‘You really wanna do this, huh?’ I was about to go against all logic and jump in with both feet.  I chewed on my bottom lip, as thoughts of sweet surrender consumed me.

‘I really want to do this.’

‘Novalee!’ My next-door neighbor called out. Her Labrador Retriever pranced up to me and began sniffing around my ankles. Conner rolled his eyes but wisely remained silent. He stepped back and allowed me to bend down and scratch Tyson behind his ears.

Susan was a forty-year-old real-life version of Ariel from The Little Mermaid, with long flowing auburn hair and a songbird voice to match. She tugged at Tyson’s collar. ‘I’m sorry y’all. Didn’t mean to interrupt.’

‘No worries!’ I gave Tyson a final ear scratch before standing. ‘Conner, this is Susan, my next-door neighbor. Susan, this is Conner, my boyfriend.’ Conner blinked, stunned, I think, before snaking his arm around me and kissing me full on my mouth, sans tongue. After giving me one of his panty-dropping smiles, he extended his hand to Susan. ‘Very nice to meet you, Susan.’ At the sound of his deep tenor voice, she damn near swooned, causing me to stifle a laugh.

Susan beamed, appreciation evident in her eyes, as she perused Conner. She then looked at me with glee in her eyes and winked. ‘Very nice to meet you too, Conner. But I know who you are. I always stay at your hotels whenever I travel. I hear you just moved back from New York?’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

‘Well, good for you. That city just seems so cold, and I don’t mean the weather. Oh, where are my manners? This is my baby, Tyson.’ Tyson’s tongue lolled, and Conner awkwardly patted his head.’ It was clear to Susan and me that Conner wasn’t a dog person. When Tyson began to sniff at Conner’s crotch, Susan pulled Tyson back by his collar. Conner brushed off his jeans with a disgusted look on his face.

‘I’m so sorry about that. Looks like Tyson likes you. He’s very observant.’ Susan winked at me again. ‘Novalee, we’ll have to do lunch this week,’ she said as Tyson pulled her away, growling at a passing man. ‘See,’ Susan whispered. ‘I bet that guy is a jack ass.’ She waved at us, as Tyson pulled her along.

‘She’s a little eccentric, but –’

Conner lifted me off my feet, our bodies pressed together, and he kissed me passionately. As our tongues stroked, my pulse quickened. He let out a carnal groan in my mouth, which made me cream in my panties. He slowly released his hold on me, and I slid down his long, lean body before my feet were planted on the ground.

‘Come to L.A. with me,’ he asked as we approached my building.

‘I can’t miss school. I have exams coming up before spring break.’ We strolled towards the elevator together, hand in hand.

‘Are you free next weekend?  I’ll send the jet back for you.’

It was so tempting, but I wasn’t going to just drop everything at the last minute. ‘I can’t. Next weekend is my dad’s birthday, and we’re going out to dinner. The weekend after that, Fatima and I are going to a concert. When will you be back?’

‘I’m not sure. Two to three weeks tops.’

I wrapped my arms around his waist as we stood and waited for the elevator. ‘If you’re still there for a third weekend, I’ll join you.’ That seemed to appease him a little.

We made out fervidly in the elevator, all the way up to the sixth floor. Our faces were flushed when we exited the elevator and his erection, massive. I was frazzled and completely turned on. I smoothed a hand down my curls, and he adjusted himself.  Upon approaching my door, we were frantically kissing again, him gripping my backside, and my hands threading through his silky strands of hair. ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come in,’ I said against his mouth.

He nodded, and his eyes closed briefly, as we steadied our breaths.  ‘Right. Okay.’ He pressed his lips to my forehead and gave me the gentlest of kisses.

‘I want you, Conner.’ I ran a hand down his shirt, feeling the hard ridges of his abdominal muscles. ‘But it’s too soon for me.’

‘It’s okay,’ he assured me as he smiled softly. ‘You’re worth the wait.’ We kissed some more but parted from each other before things got carried away.

I exhaled deeply and wrapped my arms around myself, as I watched him walk toward the elevator. ‘I’ll call you when I land.’  He stepped inside the opened elevator doors.

‘I look forward to it,’ I said, leaning against my doorframe.

Once inside my place, I rested my forehead against my door.  I needed some musical therapy, stat. Scrolling through my phone, I found just the song. Leela James’ soulful voice crooned Fall For You out of my surround sound, singing all the words that were bottled up in my heart.