Broken (Surrender Book 1)

I STOOD IN FRONT of the floor-to-ceiling wall of windows that overlooked the wooded terrain. The heavy rains beat mercilessly against the windowpane, creating a bleak atmosphere, adding to my somber mood. Today had been emotionally draining. New revelations from Amy had forced me to reflect on old memories, which made me face some startling truths that left me totally vexed. The sun had set about an hour ago, and Conner still hadn’t arrived home. I’d changed into my silk nightgown and robe, already resigning to spend the night at his place. I was exhausted, and all I wanted to do was snuggle under the covers and fall asleep. But I knew that Conner would have questions for me, as I had for him. I’d already gotten calls from Helena and Fatima, who first alerted me to the photo circulating online.

After viewing the image, I immediately called Conner. His EA, Stephanie, informed me he’d left the office early. That was at 3:30. It was now 10 o’clock. All my calls went unanswered and sent straight to voicemail.

I heard the garage door opening and closing. A few minutes later, I heard Conner’s footsteps echoing toward the kitchen. I heard the faint sound of his cell phone and cuff links clattering against the quartz countertops. I remained rooted in place, listening to the sounds coming from Conner’s sideboard liquor cabinet.

I felt his presence near me before his image reflected in the window. He stood beside me, his eyes focused on the rainfall and the sprawling forest. He’d discarded his jacket. His tie was loosened, and his sleeves were unbuttoned and casually folded back. He held a crystal tumbler in his hand filled with bourbon. Last week, I’d gotten rid of all the alcohol from the house. It was stashed in multiple areas throughout the house. Not only in the obvious places like the kitchen or his office, but in some unexpected places, as well – in wardrobe closets, under bathroom sinks, under beds, laundry quarters, and the pool house. Conner came home from work one day and discovered it all gone. He didn’t address it with me, but by the next day, he’d replaced all the expensive alcohol that was missing from the liquor cabinet.

The evidence of Conner’s foul mood was glaringly obvious. I could only assume that it was because of the photograph. The photo that captured me in a very compromising position.

‘Rough day?’ I asked, still focused on the view before me.

Conner stood in a casual stance. One hand was in the side pocket of his slacks, and the other hand cradled the crystal tumbler close to his chest. ‘A trying day, yes,’ he confirmed, his voice flat.

I watched out of the corner of my eye as the tumbler touched his lips. ‘And what about you, Novalee? How was your day?’ he asked with a hint of an accusatory tone. It wasn’t lost on me that I wasn’t his angel today. He eyes were iridescent, as the glow from the moon reflected off his face. Watching me, he took a swallow of his drink.

‘Shitty, actually,’ I deadpanned. He let out a dry chuckle. ‘Conner, I’ve been calling all day. Where were you?’

‘I had a meeting today…with a therapist.’

My head snapped to his, my eyebrows raised. ‘Really?’ I asked, grasping on to hope.

‘I won’t be going back,’ he said, matter of factly. He brought the tumbler back up to his lips and downed its contents in two large gulps. Without even sparing me another glance, Conner turned and walked away, retreating up the staircase.

My eyes were still puffy from all the crying I’d already done today. And more tears threatened to spill, but I was tired of crying. It seemed to be all I did lately.

I met Amy at the Ivy. The Ivy was an upscale restaurant with a quiet atmosphere and sophisticated décor. It wasn’t exactly the most discreet place where one could cause a scene. So, in hushed tones, Amy and I came face to face, opening wounds and secrets that would forever change us.

‘Conner and I were not having an affair behind your back. Absolutely nothing happened between us while you two were together. He didn’t even know that I lo—’ she abruptly paused before continuing, ‘that I had feelings for him.’ She tucked her hair behind both ears with trembling hands.

‘This happened back in high school?’ She gave an imperceptible nod. ‘And you’ve had these feelings for him the entire time? I never heard you once mention Conner back in high school. Please explain all of this to me.’

‘Conner is Wesley, Novalee. As in Conner Wesley Brathwaite. He went by Wesley back then.’ Conner W. Brathwaite. Was I the densest girlfriend on the planet? How did I not know my boyfriend’s middle name? Was it something that I overlooked, or was it something he had intentionally kept from me, fearing that I would connect the dots?  I mentioned ‘Wesley’ to Conner on our second date. 

Then it hit me. ‘Conner took your virginity.’ I remembered Amy being blabby about it, giving me all the salacious details. ‘Oh, my God,’ I said, my fingertips pressing into my temples. She winced at my reaction. All our conversations about Wesley came to mind. Every. Single. Detail. Wesley was the love of her life. The one that got away. They had sex all summer long, in multiple places around town. He was insatiable, she would often say. They couldn’t get enough of each other, she would brag. He dumped her as soon as the school year started. 

I stood in the great room, listening to the sounds of the rain. I thought back to the moment that I’d mentioned Wesley to Conner. That was his chance to say something. Anything. But he didn’t. Instead, on that very day, he told me that he wanted me to be his. I agreed to it, ignoring the little voice in my head that told me it was all happening too fast. From day one, I was utterly smitten. I sifted through all the details that I’d remembered about Wesley. I squeezed my eyes shut, disgusted by the sordid details of their brief summer fling.

‘The summer before our sophomore year, Conner returned from boarding school, for good this time. We were all hanging out by the lake. We were high on molly and drunk off our asses. One thing led to another, and Conner and I ended up leaving the group and having sex in the woods.’ She studied me for a moment before continuing. ‘Conner didn’t know that I was a virgin. I think he was too drunk and high to notice. He wasn’t very gentle.’ She cleared her throat, her eyes averting from me to off at a distance. ‘My first time was awful. It hurt like a son of a bitch. But after that night, I knew that I was head over heels in love him. So, I made myself available to him. All the time. The sex got better. Amazing actually,’ she said and had the audacity to blush.

If looks could kill. The one I gave Amy must have been murderous, as she quickly sobered her thoughts and proceeded. ‘I tried to be enough for him. But I never was.’

I folded my arms around myself and looked back toward the winding staircase. I imagined Conner in his office, helping himself to the new decanter of bourbon.

‘Before that summer, nothing had ever happened between us. He and Colton came home ever summer break. Conner would hang out with us at the lake, on occasion, but Colton never did. Colton was more of a loner, an introvert. He was a mama’s boy and the apple of his father’s eye. He liked to spend his days working at his dad’s office or escorting his mom to fancy dinner parties in the stead of his father.’

A classmate from high school, Zoie, came over to our table. She was more of a foe than a friend. Her reputation in high school as gossiper followed her through college and into her career. She was now a writer for a sleazy tabloid based out of L.A. She was currently in town, visiting her folks for their wedding anniversary.

After Amy and I exchanged polite greetings with Zoie, and she departed from our table, Amy continued. ‘I always had a crush on Conner. Everyone did. But he never even looked my way. He was a couple of years older, so we didn’t cross paths too often. But that summer, right after his brother died, Conner changed. He was a wreck. Always angry. Always drinking. Always with a different girl.’ I listened intently, hoping to get a glimpse into Conner’s past, the one he refused to share with me. 

With trembling hands, Amy brought the water glass up to her lips and took a sip. ‘Then one night at the lake, instead of choosing another girl to hook up with, he chose me.’ She smiled softly as if reminiscing about a fond memory. ‘When Conner came home that summer, without his brother, he came home a single man, and it was game on. All the girls wanted a piece of him. No one cared that he was broken. I think that made him even hotter. He was like a project that every girl wanted to fix.  We all knew that he was grieving. I knew that he wanted an escape, so I provided that for him. All the girls did. We all wanted to save him.’ She looked at me knowingly. ‘I’m sure you know a little bit about that.’

I rubbed my round belly and headed towards the staircase. I knew what I had to do. Conner and I needed to talk. We needed to talk before he got too drunk off his ass to have a productive conversation with me.

‘When Conner chose me that night, there was no way I was going to miss my chance to have sex with a Brathwaite twin.’

‘Twin?’

Amy furrowed her brows, seemingly surprised by my question. ‘Yeah. Conner and Colton were identical twins. You could barely tell them apart.’

Twins?  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and took a sip of water.

‘I agreed to marry Quentin, partly to please my dad, and partly to get a rise out of Conner.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘You see how that worked out. Quentin didn’t give a shit about me and could barely stand the sight of me. And Conner,’ she laughed bitterly, ‘he fucked his way through Manhattan before running through all the hot girls out here. Then he met you. Perfect and beautiful Novalee. He fell head over heels in love and stopped screwing around.’ Her smile was tight, and her eyes were sad.

‘I loved him madly,’ she said, as tears pooled in her cornflower blue eyes. ‘All I ever wanted was for him to love me back.’  Amy dabbed her eyes with the cloth napkin that rested on her lap. ‘Conner and I hooked up at a time in my life when I was very fragile. I’d already given up on my first love, and it was fucking brutal.’ She bit her quivering lip and exhaled deeply.

Amy belted out a humorless laugh as she said, ‘He never loved me. We agreed to a no strings attached fling. I lied and told him I could handle that.’ Her eyes were fixed on me as she said, ‘I wasn’t going to give up hope again. Not this time around.’ Amy looked sightlessly out of the window before continuing. ‘I never thought that I would fall in love again. So, when I did, all bets were off. Unfortunately, things ended abruptly. One day, he stopped calling. Stopped answering his phone. He just sort of…moved on.’ Amy shook her head as if trying to shake those memories away.

‘Jesus,’ I mumbled.

Amy’s emotions went from a 3 to a 10 within a few seconds. ‘I was waiting for him to come to his senses,’ she cried out, as tears dripped down her face.  ‘He was supposed to quit whoring around and finally settle down. But all he cared about was fucking every hot blond in a skirt.’ Amy wiped her face with her napkin before subconsciously looking around. A few eyes were on us.  ‘I loved him through it all,’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘Even from a distance.’

Amy was starting to cause a scene, her voice steadily increasing. ‘And then he met you.’  She frantically shook her head and pressed her fingertips to her eyelids. ‘People fall in love with you, Novalee. They always do.’

I headed for the master bath on the second floor. I examined my blotchy skin in the mirror. My nose and cheeks were reddened, and my eyes were bright. I secured my curls up on top of my head before heading down the long corridor towards Conner’s office. I wanted to forget that this day had ever happened. And something told me that sleep was a long way off.

‘Who was your first love? I thought it was Wes–Conner.’

She hesitated a moment and shook her head. ‘Are you really going to make me say it, Novalee?’

I looked into Amy’s eyes and saw all the things that I hadn’t wanted to see. The things that I’d purposefully ignored for years. It was a talent of mine. I excelled in only seeing what I wanted to see.

‘Who was your first love, Amy?’ I asked wearily.

She took a deep breath and straightened her back. Her tremble was gone, and her voice was steady. ‘I’ve been in love with you since the sixth grade. When I first met you at Manchester, I thought you were the most beautiful person I’d ever laid eyes on. You still are.’

I slowly shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. ‘Amy, don’t do this.’

‘It’s now or never. What have I got to lose?’ She gave a wan smile. ‘That’s why my mother never really approved of our friendship. She saw the way I looked at you. My mother wanted me to marry Quentin for entirely different reasons than my father. She told me that she knew about my unnatural feelings for you. She thought that marrying a man like Quentin would help me get over them.’

Amy had been possessive throughout our friendship. She was a territorial person in general, I’d always rationalized.  I never wanted to face the tight and pressing hugs, the handholding with soft caresses, or the lingering kisses to my cheeks. I didn’t want to overanalyze the frequent sleepovers where we shared a bed because she was afraid of the dark. Some people are more affectionate than others. That was Amy.

‘You’re in love with both of us?’ I shook my head in disbelief.

‘I know it sounds crazy,’ she said, on the verge of tears again.

‘I loved you…like a sister. I don’t feel the same way for you. I’m sorry,’ I said gently.

‘I know,’ Amy said, defeated.

Our waiter approached our table and took away our scarcely eaten salads.  Amy rested her elbows on the table and palmed her face. ‘I learned to accept the fact that we would never be more than just best friends. Then you and Conner met. It all happened so fast,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘I just couldn’t deal. I couldn’t accept it. It was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.’ She leaned back in her chair and shoved a hand through her hair. ‘The two people that I loved most of all found each other. Go figure, right? Fuck my life,’ she said with a humorless chuckle. ‘I kept you two away from each other, all those years ago, because deep down I knew. Knew that if you two found each other, you each would take the other one away from me.’

‘So, your idea was to go after my boyfriend? What the hell, Amy?’

‘I was tired of losing! I thought I had a better shot with Conner. I was hysterical. Downright furious that he got you pregnant. I needed to prove to myself that I was lovable.’

With this confession of betrayal, my anger escalated, and Amy’s cries increased. Nothing was resolved. I don’t know what I expected from meeting with Amy. Closure, I guess.

Amy and I talked until there were no more words. We both mourned the loss of our friendship.  I thought about our twelve years of friendship. We had laughed together and cried together. We planned our futures together.

‘You mind if I walk you to your car?’ She pleaded with her eyes. ‘I know that this is goodbye. I guess I’m just trying to bide my time. Please?’ she asked as her voice croaked. ‘We don’t even have to talk.’

I gave a minute nod and slid my sunglasses back on. After settling the bill, we headed toward the parking garage. We walked in silence, each of us stewing in our own thoughts.

Amy stood in front of me once I stopped at my car. ‘Take care of yourself, Amy.’ I was fragile. On the verge of shattering. This was final. I just didn’t have it in me to try. The moment she tried to seduce Conner was it for me.

‘You too, Novalee.’ She reluctantly stepped forward and leaned towards me for a hug, which I consented to. I awkwardly wrapped my arms around her for one last hug, and then the unexpected happened. Amy boldly pressed her lips against mine and kissed me hard.

Stunned, I pulled back from her kiss and out of her embrace. ‘Amy, no,’ I stated firmly, as I wiped her lipstick from my mouth. 

‘I’m sorry,’ she confessed. ‘I’ve always wanted to do that.’

‘Goodbye, Amy,’ I said, on the verge of sobbing.

‘Goodbye, Novalee,’ she cried. She hurried away, and I got in my car and speed off.

∞∞∞

WEARY AND TIRED, I stood in front of Conner’s office door. The door was ajar, and the lights were low. I stepped into the room. Conner was seated at his desk. He looked up at me when I stepped in. In his hand was a dingy piece of notebook paper. Handwriting appeared to be scribbled on it. An opened bottle of bourbon sat in front of him. I stepped over his discarded dress shirt and rounded the desk to stand beside him. ‘You wanna talk about it, or are you going to stew in the dark and get drunk?’

Conner neatly folded the piece of paper four times over and put it in his desk drawer. He leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers together. Conner’s eyes looked haunted and bore into me, but he remained silent. He didn’t look angry. He looked… dispassionate.

My palms gripped the edge of the desk behind me. ‘Amy kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back.’

‘If I’d known it was like that, we could have all had some fun,’ he said, his tone dry and emotionless. ‘Amy always did like threesomes. Go figure.’ He took a swig of bourbon, straight from the bottle.

‘Fuck you, Conner.’ I raised my hand to slap him, which he caught in mid-air, his large hand clasping around my wrist.

He rose from his chair as he held my wrist firmly. ‘But you won’t even do that, will you,’ he taunted, his face mere inches from mine.

‘You’re the expert at fucking, so go fuck yourself, like you’re doing to this relationship.’ I snatched my hand out of his hold. I shoved him hard, but he didn’t move an inch. In an instant, his hands were around my waist, and I was suddenly lifted onto his desk.

Conner pushed my thighs apart with his hands before pulling my legs towards him, causing me to slide to the edge of the desk. His erection pressed against my center. ‘What the fuck do you want from me?’ he asked, his voice thick with frustration. ‘I give you my heart. All my love. I don’t cheat on you. I give you all the things money can buy. I fuck you and give you more pleasure than you’ve ever known.’ He roughly pulled the hem of my gown up around my waist. His long fingers teased my sex through my panties. ‘And yet, you still want more.’

My head involuntarily lolled back. The tank undershirt he wore stretched across his muscles, and I dug my nails into his shoulders. Desire pooled between my thighs as he massaged my clit through my panties. It was pure ecstasy and unrelenting torture. The heat from his tongue skimming up the column of my throat caused a moan to escape from my lips. Conner cradled my face firmly in his hands and ran his tongue along the seams of my lips before parting my mouth for a kiss. I kissed him fiercely, even as I silently cried, with tears running down my cheeks. He tasted of bourbon, his lips and tongue hot and erotic, his kiss desperate.

Conner broke our kiss when I should have been the one to. But he knew he was in control. He always had been, really. His fingers threaded through my hair and tugged my head back forcefully. I was shameless and dizzy with arousal as he grazed his lips against my ear. ‘I can’t give you any more of me.’ His voice vibrated against the shell of my ear. ‘Fucking take it or leave it. This is it,’ he said, causing my body to shutter and my heart to plummet.

Releasing my hair and removing his hand from my aching center, Conner reached around me and grabbed the bottle of bourbon. I watched him intently as he took a few hefty gulps. ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ I said, barely above a whisper. I pushed away from him and off the desk. His eyes pierced into me, and I thought I saw a slight shutter in them before it was gone.

I headed toward the door, my world cracking with every step I took and with every second that he didn’t respond.

‘Didn’t think you could,’ he finally said. ‘You’re too good for me anyway,’ was the last thing I heard him mutter as I hurried down the hall to gather my things.