Breakaway: An Accidental Marriage Hockey Romance (Sinners on the Ice)

I wonder how one would feel if they were given what they wanted, and then it was taken away a moment later. Disappointed? Angry? Or just sad? All three emotions are raging inside me, and I’m teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

The desire to do something with this energy is destructive. I barely slept, and I left the apartment first thing in the morning. Seeing Roman might trigger something I’m trying to suppress with all my willpower. We’re stuck with each other for almost a year, and if things go to shit…I have no idea how we’re going to make it through.

Angie’s words surge inside my head, and I purse my lips tighter. Of course I can divorce him. It’s the easiest and most obvious decision ever. But something in me resists the very idea of it. I’ve never ignored my best friend’s advice before…until yesterday. As soon as she started telling me that I don’t owe Roman anything, that I can leave him whenever I want, I zoned out. And, oddly, I didn’t feel bad about it.

Probably because I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. It feels all kinds of right…especially when he kissed me.

What happened between us last night didn’t surprise me. I saw him watching me at Ava’s party. The longing in his eyes was evident, coating my skin like the warmest blanket on the coldest day. All his little smiles, his arm casually draped over my chair, his fingers drawing circles on my skin. His hand on the small of my back as we walked to his car. The flirting, him serving me wine and making me a plate. Something changed, and I was loving every second of it.

I was absolutely obsessed by the time he asked me what I wanted and I told him to kiss me. Indulging my fantasies turned out to be a million times better than I’d imagined. What I thought it would be paled in comparison to what it actually was. Being kissed by Roman was mind-blowing. It knocked me off my feet and pushed me to beg for more. So much more.

The hard outline of his cock rubbing against my pussy turned my panties into a fucking waterfall. I’ve never been more turned on than I was last night. Not only because of how he kissed me, but because he finally gave in.

Everything was ruined within one stupid minute. It’s like a cruel joke. The man I’ve been crushing on likes me, but he’s not going to touch me ever again…because Travis chose the worst time ever to call me. I could’ve had a chance to make things right if Roman hadn’t read the text. But he did. His jealousy sent a thrill down my spine, exciting me for a second. Until I realized it had transformed into resentment. Toward me.

It’s the worst outcome possible.

Sitting in my car, I press my forehead to the steering wheel and close my eyes. Feeling this fucking doomed makes me ill. I’m used to always finding solutions to my problems. Sometimes it takes a long time, and sometimes it’s not easy. But eventually I always know what to do…unlike now.

There is a puzzle piece I’m missing. Something that makes him feel so strongly about me still talking to my ex. He’s so deep in his own head, he’s not even listening to me. He doesn’t want to know my side of the story…and it sucks.

The sound of Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be” rattles the quiet, and I snatch my phone from the passenger seat. As I answer, I open the car door and climb outside.

“Hey, Nev. Sorry I didn’t hear your call earlier. My phone was on silent,” Angie explains softly. “How are you?”

“Roman kissed me last night.” I pause, leaning against my car.

“And how do you feel? How was it?”

“Everything I wanted and more.” Intoxicating but soothing. It’s like he took all my worries away and filled me with happiness and calm instead. Men and women I’ve kissed before…all those memories are a blur. But the memory of his is still there. Vivid and intense. I shut my eyes, chewing on my bottom lip. No longer swollen from his kisses, my lips feel so ordinary.

“What happened after?” Angie asks, gently nudging me to continue.

“Travis called me and then sent me a text, and Roman saw it because I asked him to give me my phone. He said kissing me was a mistake.”

“But why was Travis calling you? I thought you were trying to keep your distance from him.”

“I am, but he’s not making it easy,” I snort bitterly. I explain everything about Discovery Park and what happened after Roman read Travis’s text. “I don’t know what to do, Angie.”

“You like Roman,” she states matter-of-factly. “I knew that long before you broke up with Travis. Just seeing how defensive you would get when I asked about him, I decided to leave it alone, even if I saw how you looked at him. That attraction was always there. I’m not surprised it’s only grown stronger.”

“I want this man to be mine,” I confess, my eyes watering. “Not temporarily. Not because of our stupid Vegas wedding. I just want him.”

“I know, Nev.”

“I tried telling him that Travis is my past, and⁠—”

“Roman thinks you’re still not over your ex. Drake told me that last night.”

A harsh laugh bolts out of my mouth, and I shake my head. “Of course he does. And that text only proved his theory.”

“You need to say no to Travis. Make sure he understands that this wasn’t a break, but an actual breakup.”

“I know. I just feel so bad. Leaving him after I found out he was going to propose was cruel. And I can’t even imagine how hurt he’ll be if he finds out about me and Roman. About our marriage.”

“So you’re ready to deprive yourself of a chance at a real relationship with the guy you like so you don’t hurt the guy you feel nothing for?” Angie exclaims. “Sorry, Nev, but it’s not right. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, remember? And you don’t need to tell Travis about Vegas. Just set boundaries.”

“I will. Today.”

“Good, it’s for the best,” Angie says softly. The sound of a dog’s paws slapping the tile reaches my ears. “When are you meeting him?”

I take my phone away from my ear and check the time. “In twenty minutes.”

“Good luck, Nev. Call me later.”

“Sure. Bye, Angie. Love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”

Pocketing my phone, I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and lift my face to the sun. The air is humid, and the wind is nonexistent. It feels heavy, just like my mood. Succumbing to my negative thoughts won’t bring me anything good. It will only make things worse. No matter what, I don’t want to hurt Travis more than I already have.

Choosing the right words is my specialty, and I can only hope it won’t fail me today.

“Hey, Nev.” Travis waves at me, coming closer and letting Happy off his leash. The dog rushes toward me, barking loudly in excitement. His tiny tail wags fast, and when he stops in front of me, he starts jumping around.

I smile, crouching down and letting Happy jump into my arms. Closing my eyes, I press the little dog to my chest and hide my nose in his sand-colored fur. The feeling of loneliness slams into me, spreading from my head to my toes. I miss Happy so much. I wish I could’ve taken him with me.

“Looks like I was right,” Travis says, and I look up, meeting his gaze. “You two miss each other.”

“Of course we do.” I give the dog another squeeze, then slowly set him down and stand up. Trav instantly steps closer and wraps me in an embrace, kissing my cheek. I don’t return the hug. My arms just dangle at my sides.

“I’m so happy to see you,” he whispers.

I untangle myself from Travis and back away. The smile on my face is a carefully curated mask. I have no right to be angry with him for how last night ended. If I hadn’t agreed to go to the park with him in the first place, that wouldn’t have happened. But I’m still a little pissed off that he hasn’t even tried to move on and forget about me. Or maybe a lot pissed off. Seeing Travis forces all the emotions I’ve been keeping at bay to the surface, and it’s just a matter of time before they spill out.

“How are you, Nev?” Travis asks, his eyes traveling around my face and down my body.

“I’m fine.” With a shrug, I wheel around and head further into the park. I’m acting like a bitch, but I don’t know how else to get my point across. We are done. The only reason I’m here is Happy.

“Nev, is everything alright?” Travis falls into step beside me, trying to meet my eyes.

“Let’s go to that bench over there.” I point to a bench on my right. “And we can talk while Happy plays.”

“Okay.”

“How was your week?” I ask, hoping to fill the silence.

Fortunately, Travis knows me well, and instead of telling me off, he starts talking about work, about some code he’s trying to fix and how it is affecting the planned release. Even once we’re on the bench, he goes on and on about the work he and his team have done to ensure the quality of the code and avoid bugs. I listen, not interrupting him, enjoying the little break his rambling provides.

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to go to that Chinese place—” I turn my head in Travis’s direction, my eyes narrowed to slits. He swallows hard and fakes a smile. “So I booked a table, just in case.”

“Wasn’t my text clear enough?” I scrutinize him, swinging my foot as I sit with my legs crossed. Sure, my vision was all blurry from my tears, but I remember saying no via text.

“Well, I know you said⁠—”

“Travis,” I say sternly, turning to face him. “I feel like no matter what I say, you’re not listening. We broke up. That’s it. I’m here as your friend, and I’m here for Happy. Us meeting at the park was so I could spend some time with the dog, because I miss him.”

Travis’s jaw ticks, his nostrils flaring. “Have you started therapy?”

“No.”

“Didn’t we break up so you could work on your issues?”

I lick my lips. My agitation rises; the beating of my heart becomes thunderous. He’s not making this easy at all.

“No.”

“What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“Yes, Trav, I need to work on my issues. But I didn’t need to break up with you for that. I left because I realized I’ve never been right for you. You deserve someone a thousand times better than me.”

“But I only want you!” he argues, grabbing my hand and holding it between his palms. “Nev, please, I’m losing my mind without you. I need you.” He sneaks a glance at Happy and then peers at me again. “We need you.”

Sighing deeply, I hang my head. “Travis, I’m really sorry. But friendship is the only thing I can offer you. We need to keep our distance. No more flowers, no more waiting for me in the parking garage or coming to my office. I want you to see how good you are without me, and that’s not possible if I’m always around.”

“So you want me to⁠—”

“Start seeing other people. Start going out. Having fun.” I meet his gaze, noticing the torment in his brown eyes. “You’re an amazing guy, but I’m not it for you. I’m not as flawless as you think.”

Travis sits with an absolutely miserable look on his face. He keeps locking and unlocking his fingers, chewing on his bottom lip, and avoiding looking at me. Rushing him won’t bring me any solace, so I wait patiently, watching him.

“Are you going to start seeing new people too?” he whispers hoarsely.

“Not now,” I lie. Or maybe it’s the truth, since I’m not interested in anyone except the guy I live with.

“Okay.” Travis gives me a tentative smile. “At least we can be friends.”

“We can,” I confirm.

Sighing, he leans back against the bench and looks up at the sky. “How are you, Nev?”

I mirror him, raising my face to the blazing sun and closing my eyes. After a short internal debate, I start talking. Travis was my friend before things between us changed and we became a couple. I would be happy to have him as a friend again.

I hope it can work.

When I walk into Roman’s apartment at six p.m., I notice how unusually quiet it is. When he’s home, he’s usually watching something or listening to music. This total silence sends shivers down my spine.

Tentatively, I move down the hallway and step into the living room. It’s dark and empty, and a weird feeling forms in the pit of my stomach. Where is he? Did he go for a ride again?

I pull my phone out of my pocket, and my heart sinks. Two texts Roman sent almost three hours ago catch my attention. Quickly unlocking my screen, I read his texts, and the only thing I want to do is to scream. This guy is infuriating.

Roman:

Hey, you left early so I didn’t have a chance to tell you. Crawford invited me to join him in Cancún. I’ll be back in two weeks. Right before training camp starts.

Roman:

I have nothing against you having people over. So if you want to, please do. Enjoy your time, Malyshka. The apartment is all yours.

Enjoy my time? Is he fucking kidding me?