Blinding Light (BLS Book 1)

Raven

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…

…

My head breaks the surface as I take the fresh gulps of air. The air filling my lungs was the most satisfying thing I’ve ever felt. I spit out the cold, nasty water then inhale deeply through my gaping mouth, the air warming my lungs.

Sighing, I look at Mila’s unconscious body in my arms. I brush away her wet hair from her face and kiss her forehead. I was relieved that my feet could touch the lakebed, the soft sand surrounded by deadly waters.

Any deeper, I would’ve drowned before I got to her. I slap her legs around my waist, keeping her on my back, and walk towards the shore. A couple of times she almost falls off my back, and I use every last bit of my strength to keep her afloat. My brain is foggy, and my vision blackens for just a second before I let out a trembling breath.

I did it. I saved her.

My legs give out just before I reach the shore. The water was just shallow enough for me to crawl. Her weight pushing my head underwater.

I turn around and carry her body bridal style, keeping an eye on the water—making sure it’s staying off her face. I push her unconscious body towards the shore. Her heavy body dragging on the sand as I try my best to keep her face above the water. When she’s out of danger, I let out a breath of relief before I haul myself out of the water using the tree roots. I crawl until I’m laying right next to her.

She’s safe…

I know she is. I grab her hand before exhaustion catches up with the adrenaline. Then everything fades as my eyes flutter close.

Mila

Am I dead?

…

Am I alive?

…

Am I a human being?

…

…

AM I A MONSTER?

…

My eyelids flutter open as I cough out water, spitting as I sit up. I gasp, taking in big gulps of air, taking in the oxygen that my body craves.

I’m lying next to a tree, next to a lake—next to Raven, who is soaked. Her hand clasped tightly around mine. My hands are so pale compared to her tanned skin. I unclasp her fingers around hers, and she doesn’t react. This scares me. I reach towards her, frightened of what I’ll find.

But then I remembered what happened. I broke her wrist in the middle of a hallucination. And how I tried to end everything forever.

I’m such a meater (coward). I don’t deserve someone like Raven in my life.

Did she chase after me? Did she bring me back to shore?

I know she’s always been afraid of the water ever since she was little because she almost drowned once. Calling her bricky and reckless would be putting it mildly.

I can’t believe she would do this—all for me.

I really am not worthy of her.

I edge closer to her soaked body.

I don’t want to approach her, but I have to, for my own selfish reasons. I keep a safe distance away from her to see that she’s still breathing—her chest rises and falls steadily. I sigh in relief, but I slide away, my body still burning with the lack of oxygen in such a long time. I sit with my arms wrapped tightly around my knees, from what seemed like an eternity, I catch Raven shift in the corner of my eye.

“Rave?” I ask in a small voice. Her eyes snap open and she bolts upright. When she sees me, she rushes to my side. I flinch but she wraps me in a tight hug, refusing to let go. I keep my arms and hands to my chest, away from her. When she lets go finally before a slap latches onto my face. I recoil and say nothing.

“What has gotten into you?!” She shouts.

I stay quiet. I deserve this way more than she thinks or knows. My left cheek burns from the slap as she screams at me, tears now falling down her face.

“Are you crazy, Mila?! You could’ve died!” She pauses, taking a deep breath.

Her hair is still dripping with water as her green eyes burn with anger. She suddenly hugs me tightly again. I’m surprised at the gesture, but I still don’t return it. Too afraid in case I hurt her again.

“You…” She grits her teeth and says into my hair. “First, you pass out on me, not breathing. Now you...What am I supposed to think?!”

She exhales, her body shaking from anger, disappointment…fear.

She pushes me away at arm’s length until her pale green eyes are staring right into mine. I feel as if they’re burning a giant hole through me, but her face contorts into a face full of worry. I gulp, and tears fill my eyes.

“I’m…sorry…” I whisper. “I-I thought…” I eye her wrist on my shoulder. It’s no longer bleeding nor broken. No longer bent at such an unnatural angle.

“Raven, I’m crazy,” I whisper the denied truth. “I’ve gone completely insane! I thought I broke things, I thought I-I’d hurt you. And I…”

“Come here,” she hugs me close.

The last bit of my self-control evaporates as I let myself loose. I fall into Raven’s arms and I cry. Tears fall like a storm. I’ve been broken into pieces. Pieces that cannot be repaired.

I try to be a good example, but I can’t. I try to achieve perfection of what’s asked of me. After pretending for two years that I’ve been fine, it’s been absolutely gruesome. The stress isn’t something to have been taken lightly. I’ve managed without Raven, managed to hold House Blagrove together by the thread. Two years of loneliness finally catches up to me. Every vision, every hallucination breaking me, terrifying me.

I tried to rid myself of the most important person in my life just for my own selfishness. I break down, even more, my whole body trembles, finally shattering into a million pieces.

***

Raven clasps my hand, holding me tightly. She’s the only light in my life I’ve got left. And I’m not about to lose her to anything.

“Talk to me, Mila. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

And I do. I tell her every detail that I can remember. That it all happened the day after I entered the Suitor’s Campaign.

Before that, I tell her that I’ve been trying my best to keep up with the work to keep house Blagrove alive. That Midnight has been visiting me from time to time. I tell her about the white rooms, the injections, the pain each time. I tell her about memories that were where shown to me but I can’t ever remember, just that I knew there were memories. I tell her about the voice in my head. The voice that screams at me, making me insane, driving me crazy. I tell her how I thought I hurt her. I tell her how I thought I broke her wrist without consciousness, without sanity—without humanity.

I let all the words bottled up inside me unravel. I tell her about the room full of spiderwebs, gigantic spiders, and the doors. Each time I open one, it’s a lost memory to me, and it reminds me of the pain and horror repeatedly. Then I forget, then I remember, then I forget again. I tell her that I’ve been losing memory, forgetting things. I forgot the important things. I tell her about all the stress and horror and pain that I’ve felt ever since she left for her engagement. I tell her how her coming back hasn’t made anything easier. I feel as if I’m losing my mind.

I’m shaking when I’ve finished.

She holds me tightly in her embrace—non-judgmental.

“I thought you were going to hate me, I thought I was crazy, a psychopath who’s been having dreams which I thought was reality. I don’t know what to do, Raven. My head can’t take it anymore, that’s why I thought it would be better if I end—”

She holds a finger to my lips.

“Don’t,” she whispers. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.”

Her hands are on my shoulders, and she shakes me, meeting my gaze.

“I know how hard life can be. I know that it will seem never-ending and suffocating at times. But it’s not the end. It will not be,” she sighs, brushing my cheek as tears fill my eyes again. I hug her close. My thoughts were drifting to the cold waters, I thought of how the coldness surrounded me and it was her bringing me back from the dark. She was my light.

“It’s not the end. You’ve been broken, you’ve been torn apart. But I know you can pair yourself back together. I know that you can get through whatever this is. You’re much stronger than you know, Mila. You’re the most special person to me in the whole world.”

“So special…”

“You want to know how I saved you?” She asks and I nod. “I saved you because you were the light of my life.”

“I am?”

“Oui. You very much are.”

And she was mine.

I held onto her, tighter than I’ve ever held onto anyone in my life.

“I couldn’t bear to lose you again,” she mutters into my hair. “I let go of my fears for you. You are the light of my life. Your smile brings happiness to my days. Your lively personality that I would kill to have. You are the light that guides me through every dark corner because you shine through yourself. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Never again.

“My blinding light.”

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Thanks, with lots of smiles

☆•Yiona•☆