Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I stare at the text Silas sent me in dismay. He’s working late again. Even though we live together, I rarely see him outside of the office. It’s only really our mornings that we spend together. We don’t even drive to work together anymore, because he doesn’t want me to be without a car after work. It’s strange, because I see him every day, but I miss him.

I miss the version of him that he only shows me. The intimate smiles, the flirting. He’s entirely different at work, and I find myself wanting to spend more alone-time with him. He’s turning me into a crazy, greedy person. I want his attention, and I want more of his kisses. I want him with a desperation that scares me, and it isn’t just physically.

I stare at the display in the elevator as it moves down to the parking lot, surprised by my own melancholy. I’ve always loved being alone, so when did I start feeling lonely without Silas?

The elevator stops on the 12^th floor, and Ryan walks in, his eyes widening when he sees me. Damn it. This is exactly why Silas told me to use the private elevator that’s reserved for our VIP clients, but I was just too worried it’d draw my colleagues’ attention.

“Alanna,” Ryan says, his tone carrying a hint of relief. “Just the person I was thinking of. Mitchel just called me asking if we’d be up for volunteering today. He said the recent rain pushed a lot of plastic to the shore, and he needs our help. I didn’t dare commit on your behalf, but are you free tonight?”

“Oh,” I murmur in surprise. That’s not exactly what I expected him to say. Ever since I ended things with Ryan, I stopped volunteering too. I didn’t want to do anything that reminded me of him, and since I’d been avoiding him, I didn’t want to go anywhere I’d run into him. I’ve really missed it. There’s nothing better for my soul than spending a few hours making an actual difference.

“He asked about you, actually. He was worried since he hasn’t seen you in a while. If you’re not busy, why don’t we go and help him out tonight? I was gonna go by myself, but since you’re off work now anyway… the more helping hands, the better.”

I study him for a moment, trying to assess if there’s more to his request, but he seems genuine. I have a hard time saying no to things in general, but saying no to charity work is near impossible. “Sure,” I end up saying. “I’m free tonight.”

He smiles at me and walks out of the elevator when we reach the garage. “I’ll see you there then. I just need to run home to get changed.”

I nod, and he rushes off, leaving me staring after him in confusion. He truly doesn’t seem to have any ulterior motives today. Have I been judging him too harshly?

I head straight to the beach, and just like Ryan said, it’s littered with plastics of all kind. Mitchel waves at me when he sees me.

“Alanna! It’s so good to see you, kid. I had to save a turtle from some plastic earlier today, and it’s got me even more eager to get this trash cleared out as soon as possible. How have you been? I was worried about you, but you seem good. You look healthy and happy.”

I smile at him as I take the tools he’s handing me. “I am. It’s good to see you too, Mitchel. I’m sorry I haven’t been in a while.”

He smiles at me and claps me on the back, but before he can say another word, someone shouts his name. “I hope that’s not another turtle,” he mutters. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”

I nod and wave him off, working in solitude for a while. I love volunteering at soup kitchens and doing charity walks, but there’s something about being on the beach, sand between my toes and a breeze dancing on my skin.

“You’ve got that same expression on your face,” Ryan says, and I look up to find him standing a few steps away. He walks toward me, his expression complicated. “You looked just like this when we first met. I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my mind.”

I grimace and look away, suddenly uncomfortable. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I don’t want to reminisce with him.

“How is it that we work in the same office and still don’t get to see each other?”

I purse my lips, unsure how to handle him. “It’s a big company,” I end up saying.

He nods and works quietly alongside me, the way we used to. Ryan and I were pretty good friends before we started dating, but I wonder if any of that was real. Would he truly have come here today if I hadn’t agreed to join?

“Are you okay, Alanna? You’re not usually this quiet. Is Silas overworking you?”

I look up, startled out of my thoughts. “No, not at all.”

Just hearing Silas’s name fills me with equal parts longing and guilt. What would happen to Ryan and Silas’s bond if he ever found out what I did? From what I understand, things are already strained between them, and this could be the final straw.

Ryan sighs and looks away. “Just tell me if he is. I know there’s nothing you can’t handle, but when it comes to my brother, I can definitely help. I’m worried he’s targeting you because of me.”

I instantly want to defend Silas, but I know no good will come of it. “He’s good to me, Ryan. He’s a fair boss, and he treats all of his employees well.”

Ryan stares at me, his expression pained. “Just be careful, okay? I know how charming my brother can be, and you’re spending so much time with him now. I saw a photo of you two in The Herald last week, and the way he looked at you didn’t sit well with me. I know employees of the ψ division often attend corporate events with him, but I don’t know… I don’t think you’d ever betray the love we shared in that way, but still. Silas can be hard to turn down. Just remember that he’s always got an ulterior motive, and there’s only one girl he’s ever truly loved. Ray.”

I look up in surprise, the name sounding oddly familiar. “Who is Ray?” I ask, my heart squeezing painfully.

Ryan hesitates. “She’s the one he calls for when he’s drunk, the one he can’t ever forget. He won’t tell me anything about her, but it’s her he calls for every single time he drinks too much. There are plenty of girls he has fun with, but she’s the only one he’ll ever love. Don’t be just another girl, okay? If you never trust me again and there’s no future for us, I’ll find a way to live with that, but please, please… please don’t ever get with Silas. If he goes after you it’s really only to hurt me. Please don’t let him use you like that. Don’t let him do to you what I did.”

I nod, my heart uneasy. The name Ray sounds familiar, and it’s almost like I can hear Silas whisper it in a memory I can’t quite grasp.

Realistically, there’s no future for Silas and me. If people were to find out about us, we’d be judged harshly, and I have no doubt it’d harm Silas’s reputation.

“You don’t need to worry about that. He’s just my boss.”

Ryan looks into my eyes and forces a smile onto his face. “I believe you, but the photos posted by The Herald definitely made it look like there was something going on between you. They were also left up for much longer than Sinclair Security usually allows, almost as if Silas wanted everyone to see those photos. The way you two danced together, and the way he looked at you… it made me feel sick, Alanna.”

I grimace and nod. That’s probably how most people would respond if they found out about us. They’d call Silas sick or cruel for going after his brother’s girl, and I don’t even want to imagine what they’d say about me.

“Like I said,” I murmur. “You don’t need to worry about it. Besides, you two seem to be doing okay now, aren’t you? You work for Sinclair Security and you guys have dinner together every once in a while. I’m not dismissing what you told me, but Silas seems like a good person. He works hard, and he clearly cares about you.”

Ryan looks away and sighs. “I think he just feels guilty for taking everything from me and leaving Mom and me penniless. There isn’t much left for him to take, so I guess he’s feeling charitable now.”

I shake my head. “Just talk to him. I don’t think he’s pitying you. To me, it looks like he cares about you and wants to salvage whatever relationship you can still have, but relationships are two-way streets, you know?”

Ryan nods and grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. “Yeah, I know.” He hesitates and looks away for a moment. “Alanna, you and I… we’re okay, right? We’re still friends, right? I thought we were okay, but it feels like I’m losing you, and I don’t know what to do.”

My thoughts turn to Silas, and how upset he was when I had lunch with Ryan. I don’t want to see him hurting like that again, but it’s near impossible to cut ties with Ryan completely. My thoughts turn to the future I can’t help but imagine, and for a moment, I wonder what it’d be like if I formally dated Silas. I wouldn’t be able to avoid Ryan, and each family dinner would turn into hell.

“Yeah,” I whisper. “We’re fine.”

We aren’t fine at all, but I’m not sure what else to say. It doesn’t matter what road I choose to walk — they’re all dead ends.