Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I’m nervous as I make my way to the shelter. I’ve been working there for a few weeks now, and usually Si just ignores me, clearly going out of his way to avoid me. I wonder if he’ll do the same today. I’m not sure why he purposely keeps me at a distance, but I love catching glimpses of the boy he used to be.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the way he helped me in the park last week, and the strength with which he held my body against his. I’m not blind. I’ve noticed his muscles and the few faint scars on his face that weren’t there before. I can’t help but wonder what his story is. How does a guy like him end up in a homeless shelter?

Each night, I wonder if I should text him, perhaps to thank him for his help. I find myself curious about him, and I won’t deny that I find him attractive. I suspect that he still sees me as the little girl from the cemetery, and I can’t help but want to change that.

Ricardo waves at me when I walk in, a warm smile on his face. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve come to understand why my father values him so much. I’ve never met a person as genuinely good and caring as Ricardo, and he makes me want to be a better person, too.

“Hi!” I tell him.

“I’ve got a boring job for you today.”

“What is it? Packaging food?”

Ricardo grins and nods. “How did you know?”

I shake my head. “I have been coming here for a while, you know? Usually when you tell me it’ll be a boring day, it means packaging food to distribute. Boring days are my favorite, because that’s when you tell me stories about my dad while we work.”

Ricardo looks down, his expression regretful. “Unfortunately, I can’t accompany you today. I’ve asked someone else to help you, and I trust him fully. He’ll keep you safe.”

I frown, and Ricardo tips his head toward the doorway behind me. “Si?”

“You’ve met Silas before?” Ricardo asks, his tone carrying a hint of curiosity.

Silas. His name is Silas, not Simon. “Yeah. We first met each other years ago.”

Ricardo looks between the two of us, an unreadable expression on his face. “I see,” he says, his voice soft. He turns to Silas and nods. “I’ll leave Alanna in your care for the rest of the day. Please walk her out once she’s done, will you?”

Silas nods, and Ricardo claps him on the back before walking away, leaving the two of us standing in front of his office.

“Silas,” I say.

He looks up sharply, his gaze dark. Something about his expression has my heart beating a little faster, and I can feel heat spread across my cheeks.

“Your name is Silas… not Simon.”

“I never said it was.”

“But you also didn’t tell me your full name, nor did you ever correct me.”

He looks away and leads the way to the storage room, where Ricardo and I usually prepare the food packages that we hand out outside of the facility. “There was no need for you to know my name.”

I bite down on my lip and push down the indignation I feel. “Surely we’re at least on a first name basis?”

“We shouldn’t be.”

He takes a key from his pocket and unlocks the storage room, holding it open for me before locking us inside the way Ricardo always used to. From what I understand, it’s to prevent anyone from coming in here to steal the food gathered here, but it feels different being in here with Silas.

“Does this count as putting myself in a dangerous situation?”

Silas leans back against the door, his gaze roaming over my body, before settling on my lips. Perhaps he no longer sees me as a little girl, after all. I did have my entire body pressed against his just a week ago.

“No,” he answers, his voice soft. “I will never knowingly harm you, Alanna. I do appreciate you being aware of the situation. If it had been anyone other than me, you should’ve declined to help out today. Who knows what could happen when you’re locked into a room with a man for hours?”

I smirk and cross my arms. “You’re hardly a man,” I say, repeating the words I said years ago.

Silas chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “Little girl,” he says. “If you weren’t so young, I’d feel inclined to defend my honor.”

He remembers. He remembers the words he said to me back then. I’m not sure why I care so much, but I do.

“I’m not so young anymore,” I murmur.

Silas’s smile melts off his face, and he looks away. “You are, Alanna. If I recall correctly, you’re about sixteen now. You’re still a baby, little girl.”

He should be twenty or twenty-one now, yet he acts like he’s thirty, just like he did back then. I’m about to argue with him, but he holds his hand up and shakes his head. “Let’s get to work, shall we? There’s a lot to do.”

I nod and join him at the table, the two of us working harmoniously for a little while. There’s something equal parts soothing and unsettling about his presence. I feel at peace, yet my heart won’t stop racing.

“That boy,” he says eventually, an edge to his tone. “Did he do or say anything to you?”

I hesitate, unsure of what to say. Ever since I boldly claimed that Silas is my boyfriend, Caleb has been spreading rumors about me, saying I’m a slut, and that I did things with him I’ve definitely never done before. No matter how much I dispute it, most people just believe him anyway.

“No,” I tell Silas, forcing a smile on my face. “He hasn’t said anything at all.”

I pick up another cardboard box to fill with food, my heart racing. I hate lying, I always have.

“Tell me the truth.”

I look up to find his gorgeous emerald eyes narrowed, a hint of annoyance in them. “I did.”

Silas takes the box from me and puts it down on the table before reaching for my hand. He holds my hand between both of his and shakes his head. “Tell me,” he repeats, his tone pleading, sweet even.

“I…” Silas tightens his grip, his thumb caressing the back of my hand. “He’s been spreading some lies about me, but it’s okay. I can handle it, Si.”

Silas looks into my eyes, as though he’s assessing my words, and then he sighs. “What has he been saying?”

I bite down on my lip nervously and look away. “Silas,” I whisper. “It’s nothing.”

“If that’s the case, then you’ll have no problem telling me all about it.”

The look in his eyes tells me he won’t let this go, and I look down in defeat. “He said that I… I… sucked, um, that I—”

“That you sucked his dick?”

Heat rushes to my cheeks, no doubt turning them rosy. “Yeah,” I whisper.

“Did you?”

I look up, shocked. “No, of course not!”

Silas chuckles, his thumb drawing circles on the back of my hand. Does he realize he’s still holding my hand? “Have you ever sucked dick, sweet girl?”

I swallow hard, unable to calm my racing heart. I’m so flustered, and I have no idea how to answer. For some irrational reason, I want to lie and say yes, so I don’t seem as young and naïve as Silas seems to think I am.

“I didn’t think so,” he murmurs, his eyes briefly dropping to my lips before he looks away.

“What makes you think I’ve never done that before?”

Silas smiles before facing me. “Besides the fact that you can’t even say the words?”

There’s something different in his gaze now, and it makes him look sexier than he ever has before. Something about the way he looks at me has my heart thumping loudly.

“I… I…”

“Don’t be in such a rush to grow up, Alanna. Take your time. Firsts are important, whether that be your first kiss, or the first time you do anything sexual. You’ll remember every one of those instances for the rest of your life. Make them count.”

I pull my hand out of his, unable to suppress my annoyance. He’s treating me like a child again, and I hate it, but that’s not all. My annoyance is fueled by the irrational anger I feel at the thought of him remembering some other girl that he had his firsts with. Knowing that there’s someone who will always have that place in his memories irritates me.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, his voice soft.

I shake my head and wrap my arms around myself. “So you remember all of those firsts?”

Silas smiles at me and nods. “Yep. I had most of my firsts on the same night, with a girl I’d met at a house party. Linda.” He smiles when he says her name, and my heart squeezes painfully. “Girl had a sinfully wonderful mouth and an even hungrier—” he stops talking abruptly and shakes his head. “Anyway, my firsts were rushed and not with anyone special. If I could go back in time, I’d have saved them for someone I actually wanted to share those memories with, you know?”

I nod, but my mood is entirely ruined. I know he sees me as a child, and I know he isn’t someone I should be interested in, but I can’t help myself. I hate that his firsts are all gone, that they’ll never be mine.

I bite down on my lip and focus on adding cartons of fruit juice to our food packets, trying my hardest to keep my attention off Silas, but I can’t. I keep wondering what he might be like with a woman. What would it be like to date him?

“You’re quiet,” he murmurs eventually, and I look up at him. “Penny for your thoughts?”

I chuckle and shake my head. “My thoughts are worth a whole lot more than that.”

He takes a penny out of his pocket and pushes it toward me. “Penny is all I’ve got, my love.”

My eyes widen as realization dawns. I never should’ve said that… not when I know he’s homeless. It was thoughtless and insensitive, and I should’ve known better. “I was joking,” I whisper, pushing the coin back to him. I force a smile onto my face and lean against the table that separates us. “My thoughts can’t be purchased, Silas. They have to be exchanged. I’ll give you mine if you give me yours.”

He looks into my eyes for a moment, and I worry that he’s seeing straight through me, that he can see the embarrassment I’m trying to hide. He nods, and I exhale shakily.

“Very well. What is it going to cost me?”

I smirk, relief rushing over me. “One question, and you have to answer honestly.”

He pauses, as though he’s going to decline my request, but then he smiles, his dimples making an appearance. “Okay. Tell me what you were thinking just now, Alanna.”

I look into his emerald eyes, taking in that intense look of his. “I was thinking of you, and how unfair it is that every one of your firsts was taken by someone who won’t cherish them.” It isn’t the full truth, and the way he smiles tells me he knows it. He stares me down and lifts his brow, indicating for me to continue. I sigh as I drag my gaze away. “I want them for myself, Silas. I want your firsts. I want to be someone you’ll always remember. I don’t know why, okay? I just do.”

He nods and pulls a hand through his thick, dark hair. “You’re young,” he murmurs. “It’s only—”

“Don’t,” I cut him off. “Don’t dismiss my feelings by bringing up my age. You asked me for my thoughts, and I gave them to you. Take them for what they are, without trying to distort them into something you find easier to handle. If you can’t do that, then don’t ask me what I’m thinking.”

He looks thrown-aback, and I regret my words instantly. I shouldn’t have lashed out at him. Why is it that I’m always making a fool of myself in front of him?

“You’re right,” he says, surprising me. “I apologize, Alanna.”

I nod and pick up a six-pack of fruit juice to tear off the plastic holding the small cartons together. I’m flustered, and I hate feeling this way. I was excited to be spending the day with him, but I shouldn’t have been. Every time we’re together, he makes it clear he doesn’t actually want to be around me. I suppose it’s about time I accept that.

“Ask your question,” he tells me.

I shake my head, dismissing him. “It’s fine.”

Silas reaches over the table and takes the juice cartons from me, placing his hand in mine. “I’m sorry, Alanna. You’re right. I have been treating you the way I would others your age, but it’s undeserved and unwarranted. I won’t do it again, okay?” I nod, and he squeezes my hand. “So ask me your question.”

I look into his eyes and inhale deeply as I gather the courage to ask the one question I’ve been wanting to ask him ever since I ran into him again. “Why are you here?”

Silas pulls his hand off mine and looks away, his smile melting away. “It’s a long story,” he says, his voice soft.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I whisper. I’m being intrusive, and I know it, but I can’t help but be curious about him. He was clearly well off when I first met him, so how did he find himself in this situation?

“The day I first met you? That was also the day that I lost everything. That’s why I avoided you when you first started volunteering here. You were just a reminder of my past, of the person I used to be.”

He falls silent for a moment, his gaze apologetic.

“That day? It was my father’s funeral. I’d just turned eighteen, and it hit me hard. My father was my last remaining family. I have a stepmother and a half-brother, but it always felt different with them. My stepmother and I never got along, you know? Even when I was little, I could feel that she never really liked me.”

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, seemingly lost in thought for a moment.

“When my father passed away, he left everything to my stepmother. Days after the funeral, she kicked me out, leaving me with nothing but my car and whatever cash I had in my account. I couch surfed for a while, staying with friends and acquaintances, but once it became clear that I’d lost everything and would be of no further use to them, they all cast me aside. None of the friendships I thought I had were real, and that realization paired with the loss of everything I’d ever known sent me spiraling down a path I wish I’d never embarked on. If not for Ricardo finding me one day, I’m not sure where I’d be. It’s taking me some time, but I’m putting myself through college. I have every intention of regaining everything I’ve lost. I’ll turn my life back around, one step at a time. When my father passed away, I made him a promise, and it’s one I still want to keep. I’m in no position to do so right now, but I will keep that promise.”

I nod at him, a strange sense of pride washing over me. “I didn’t know you were in college.”

Silas smirks at me. “Where did you think I go most days? I attend classes in the morning and help out around here afterward. Ricardo and I came to an agreement when he first found me. He told me he’d let me have a bed here if I could get into college, and in return for a guaranteed place to stay, I help as much as I can. My student loans are outrageous as it is, so this arrangement has been a blessing to me. I can’t afford to rent a room. I know it’s not ideal, but it works for me. This place is more of a rehabilitation centre than a shelter. They really want you to never come back here once you leave, and they really do support you until you’re ready to stand on your own two feet. It’s a strange thing to say, but in a way, I’m lucky I found myself here.”

“And it won’t be forever,” I tell him. “I have no doubt you’ve got an amazing future ahead of you, Si.”

He smiles at me. “You really believe that, don’t you?”

“I do.” I’ve known it from the moment I met him. Silas is going to leave his mark, and it’ll be a sight to behold.