Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits)

I look up into the most beautiful dark green eyes I’ve ever seen, surprised to find no pity in them… there’s only understanding.

I take the handkerchief with trembling hands and sniff as I wipe away my tears. “Thank you,” I tell him, my voice hoarse. My heart is aching so badly that I think I might be sick, and I clench the fabric in my hands, as though I’m hoping it’ll give me the strength I need today.

“What’s your name?” he asks.

I look into his eyes, and something about his gaze takes the edge off my pain. He’s kneeling in front of me, no doubt ruining his suit pants, yet his entire focus is on me. “Alanna,” I whisper before looking down again.

I trace over the embroidery on his handkerchief absentmindedly, feeling numb. “Psi?” I ask, referring to the greek letter on the fabric.

He nods. “You’re a clever one, aren’t you? I’m surprised you know what letter that is.”

I look up at him indignantly. It’s clear he thinks I’m a child, and it annoys me. “Why Psi?”

He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s my name. Or, well, it’s a nickname. It’s interesting that you pronounced it the same as sigh. Most people pronounce the P too.”

Psi. What is that short for? Simon, I assume. It’s a bit of an old-fashioned name, so I’m not surprised he’d abbreviate it.

“It’s Ancient Greek,” I murmur. “None of us truly know how it’s pronounced, right? As far as I’m aware, both pronunciations are considered correct.”

Si sits down next to me and smiles, startling me. Until now, I hadn’t even realized just how handsome he is. “Now, where did you learn that, little girl?”

I narrow my eyes at him. “I’m thirteen, I’m not a little girl. I’ll be fourteen next week.”

He chuckles and shakes his head. “Yeah, I remember being your age and feeling the same way. I’d tell you to enjoy being so young, but I always hated it when people said that to me. All I wanted to do was grow up already. But let me tell you a secret: even when you get to my age, you’ll still feel like a child.”

I roll my eyes at him, my previous grief melting away. “Okay, Grandpa. How old are you?”

He crosses his legs and smiles. “I’m eighteen. Much older than you.”

I shake my head and huff. “Five years, or probably more like four and a half years. You act like you’re ancient, but you can’t even buy a drink yet.”

Si bursts out laughing, startling me once again. He’s so handsome that he could fit right into every single one of my favorite boy bands. That thick dark hair that’s in the same style as a few of my favorite Korean actors, and those cheekbones should be in magazines… he’s the kind of guy I’d never dare speak to at school.

“You’re clever and sassy, huh?”

I smirk at him, and he stares at me for a moment.

“I’m glad you’re smiling now, Alanna. Considering where we are, I can only imagine how much pain you must be in. I’m sure you found yourself sitting here because it was all too much and you didn’t want anyone to see you fall apart. It’s how I feel too… but don’t forget that sometimes, letting others be there for us is a way of offering consolation too. Whoever you ran away from might need you more than you think. Sometimes, having someone who shares your grief makes it more bearable.”

I look into his eyes, recognizing the pain in them. “Do you have someone who you can share your grief with?”

He shakes his head and looks away. “Not anymore.”

I reach for him without thinking and grab his hand, my grip tight. “You’ve got me now, Si.”

He chuckles and tightens his grip on my hand. “Has no one ever warned you about strange men?”

I pout and look away. “You’re hardly a man.”

Si coughs, and I look back at him to find him looking at me with an outraged expression.

“Little girl,” he says. “If you weren’t so young, I’d feel inclined to defend my honor.”

I burst out laughing, my hand still in his. “Defend your honor… honestly, it’s like you stepped out of one of my tv shows.”

He smiles and leans in, tenderly brushing my hair behind my ear in an almost brotherly way. “I’m serious, though, Alanna. Please be careful around people you don’t know, okay? It’s when we’re hurting most that people are most likely to take advantage of us. Keep that in mind, okay?”

I nod, my smile melting away. “Does that mean I should be worried about you speaking to me?”

He shakes his head. “Never me, sweet girl.”

Si pulls his hand out of mine and looks away. “I need to head back, and you should, too. Your family is probably looking for you. Today must feel incredibly hard for you, and I can tell you from experience that the pain never truly fades, but you’ll learn to live with it, Alanna. Each day, it’ll get a little easier to breathe, until one day, you find yourself smiling at the same memories that once made you cry.”

He rises to his feet and offers me his hand. I take it, and he pulls me up, making me stumble forward. Si catches me and steadies me, his hands on my shoulders.

“Thank you,” I murmur, feeling oddly flustered. I’ve never had a crush on anyone other than celebrities, but I think I might be developing one now.

I stare at Si’s handkerchief for a moment, unsure whether I should give it back to him or not. It’s filthy now, and I’m too embarrassed to hand it to him.

“Keep it,” he says, his voice soft. “If we ever meet again, you can return it to me.”

I nod and fold the fabric carefully. “Thank you, Si. Not just for the handkerchief, but also for sitting here and talking to me without asking me who I lost or what happened. It’s… it just…”

“I know,” he says, a cute smirk on his face. “I know, because I’m in just as much pain, and I definitely don’t want to talk about it either. Remember what I said, okay? Don’t lose yourself in your grief. Let the people who love you be there for you.”

“Yes,” I murmur, nodding. I hadn’t really thought of it that way before, and he’s probably right. Dad must be hurting too, and maybe the two of us will get through this together.

Si turns and walks away, looking back at me once he’s a few steps away. I don’t want him to leave, but I don’t know how to ask him to stay. “See you around, Alanna.”

I bite down on my lip and wave at him before he walks in the opposite direction of where I need to be. I stare at his back for a few moments as I try to gather my courage.

Normally it’d be Mom I’d turn to when I’m as upset as I am today. But how can I, when it’s her I lost?

I’m absentminded as I walk back to her grave, not wanting to face the fact that we’re burying her today. I wish I could just go home and pretend this isn’t happening, but I can’t.

“Alanna!” Dad rushes up to me, his eyes red from the endless tears he’s shed, his expression worried. “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Dad wraps his arms around me, hugging me tightly, and I hug him back with all my strength. “No,” I admit. “I’m not okay, Dad. It feels like I’ll never be okay again.”

He rests his chin on top of my head, his body trembling just as mine is. “I know, sweetie. I feel the same way, but we will be fine. So long as we’ve got each other, we’ll be okay, won’t we?”

I nod. “Yeah,” I whisper. “I just don’t understand. Why weren’t we enough, Dad? Why would she… why didn’t she stay for me? Didn’t Mom love me? Why wasn’t I enough?”

Dad tightens his grip on me. “She did, Alanna. Mom was just very sick, and the medication never made her better. It just… It just made her more depressed. It isn’t anything you did, my love. It isn’t your fault at all, okay?”

I nod, but I can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done to prevent my mother’s death. If I’d told her that I love her more often, would that have prevented her from taking her own life?