BigBug

“The M&Ms prefer fresh meat but they will eat processed sausage if there is nothing else. They call it Prison Pie.” PP. The Bigbug paused and gave Seamus a knowing wink and a nod. “The Technicals working down there though they love the prison pie. No choice really we made them without teeth. And, as you will see, they are kitted out with just the one hi tech eye. It is all they need. It can magnify up to 500x. Automatic, self-focusing, and it works in the dark. Of course. Oh yes. All raw materials go into front line M&Ms. All other clones are made with just,” and it began to sing, “the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, the simple bare necessities of life.”

Seamus realized that it was explaining all this macabre science not for his benefit but for Moon. It was trying to impress Moon. Seamus didn’t know why but he knew this bombast was something important. He continued to silently pray. A great calm was given to him in that hell and it brought with it a determined unshakable resolve that blotted out the stench of evil. He could smell roses and incense. He could smell his wife. Seamus looked at Moon, smiled, and gave him the thumbs up. Moon winked at him.

“I’ll give you a more detailed tour later,” says the Bigbug to Moon, “but we really have to get along. We need to discuss the recovery of the other meteorite and DADA is waiting for us.”

Great thought Seamus. I cannot wait. He fingered his penknife and mouthed a silent prayer, "Dear Lord, give me the means to destroy this monster." He knew he had the strength. They were ushered along the gantry turning left and went through double fire- blast doors. The scene that greeted them was almost too much for Seamus’s traumatized mind to cope with. They were standing on a jetty at the edge of another great cavern. They could just vaguely make out on the other side of the cavern the gates to what looked like a temple. Seamus guessed this was the entrance to DADA headquarters. The cavern was vast, one hundred metres high with a floor space of a square kilometre, maybe more. It contained hundreds of massive transparent tanks.

“No,” said the Bigbug, “it is not a fish farm Mr Moon. It is a clone farm. Look over there.” The skeletons from the prison pie cavern were coming through the opening in the wall on the mechanised rails. They descended and Technical clones took them off and deposited the bones in several of the great tanks.

“How did you make this place?” asked Moon, the awe in him evident. It was very hard not to be impressed. This was engineering on a gargantuan scale. How did this go unnoticed not more than 10 kilometres from Amsterdam? Where did they get the manpower and machinery? What power source was being used here? Where did they dump all the spoil?

Bigbug noticed Moon's interest and replied to his unspoken questions. ”It’s all made by molecular rearrangement. Programme the size and shape you want. Our machinery excavates and vaporizes the rock. We rearrange the rubble and muck on a subatomic level and expel it out above the waves. We turn the spoil into pure clean air. You are now under the great North Sea gentlemen.” It waved a bony hand expansively. “It’s very basic.” Pause for awe and admiration. “To us.”

“How did you manage to keep all of this secret?’ asked Seamus.

“The Technical clones who run this facility will never talk.”

“Why is that?”

“We made them without tongues or voice boxes and besides a Cyclops is hardly going to go for a pint in the Blarney Stone.” This was Moon’s and Seamus local in the centre of Amsterdam. The Bigbug said in a perfect impersonation of Moon’s voice. “Pint of Guinness and a large Jameson for the dummy, gummy, cannibalistic Cyclops. With a large straw, please.” It paused pleased with its performance. “And even if they did try and leave they are programmed to fall down dead if they move more than one hundred metres from their work station. Instant and irreversible cardiac arrest. Easy peasy. As you know gentlemen in war time ‘careless talk costs lives’.” Churchill accent. “Come.” They followed the Bigbug down onto the jetty where several large gondolas were floating on what appeared to be thin air. They got into the lead gondola with the Bigbug. The four M&Ms got into the second gondola. “I’ll give you a quick tour of the facility.” The gondola rose and flew over the tanks. The Bigbug stopped the gondola hovering over a tank. The tank was full of slimy transparent jelly liquid.

“Clone Spawn.” explained the Bigbug. “Our clones,” he was talking to Moon as if they were Moon’s clones too, “are fleshed out in the clone spawn. It’s remarkable stuff. Quite remarkable. It grows a clone in ten days. The clones are pure grown. They are immune from all known human and animal diseases and afflictions. Look down there. Those cute little creatures you see swimming in the sludge? Scavenger eels. They eat any impurities that are excreted from the growing clones. New species of wriggle we designed and built for the task. You wouldn’t want to fall in there. I’ll show you.” He talked quietly to himself. On the side of the cavern, two M&Ms dragged along a docile naked Cyclops. It had no genitals. The Bigbug flew closer so they could have a better view. It nodded and the M&Ms threw the Cyclops into the clone spawn. There was a rush of activity. The water churned. Hundreds of small worm like creatures, thin tadpole shaped bodies with massive heads full of teeth jumped from their tanks into that tank to help attack the Cyclops. The water turned red. Seamus and Moon saw the savage monster wriggles eat their way rapidly into the body of the Cyclops and devour it from the inside. “They have come to help you see,” explained the Bigbug, “Normally they only eat bacteria and clone pooh and scraps of prison pie but they are remarkably efficient. They will devour anything and leave not a jot of contamination behind. Not one jot. Now, look at that.” He pointed at the skeleton. It was hauled out of the pool on a boat hook and taken off by some other Technical clones to be reused. Seamus was gagging. He wanted to be sick.

“Don’t you dare spew in my goo,” laughed the Bigbug. He flew the gondola across the tanks. “The tanks move as the clones grow. Here you can see a batch about to be harvested. Watch.” The gondola stopped not very far from the DADA portal and they watched the clones climb up out of the slime. They slithered dripping green slimy clone spawn onto the bank. They walked through showers and were led off by the hand by the Technical clones. “They are going to be programmed and then placed in storage until the Great Cull begins.”

“I can’t wait,” says Moon.

“How many in one tank.”

“One hundred,” replied the Bigbug, “One hundred clones in one hundred tanks. A harvest of ten thousand clones. We have facilities like this all over the planet just waiting to be activated. All we need to begin production are a couple of DADA rocks and then -ACTIVATION! The clones will rise up out from their caverns and destroy the human parasites.” It was delighted. “The clones are programmed and fitted out with suitable teeth and infused with a programmed pathological hatred of females. And all the other sort of stuff a good cannibal needs to get on in life. But you can see it all later.” It looked at Moon fondly. “After you have been modified,” it added. It turned the gondola and headed towards the DADA gates. The craft flew, and, like all moving mechanical parts in the place, made no noise. The Bigbug was homing in on Moon’s curiosity. “You are wondering what this craft is made from.” It's done something and the gondola disappeared. “You are riding on compressed air. A bit unnerving until one gets used to it.” They were gliding on air a couple of metres above the clone spawn tanks. As they moved along the wriggles in the tanks raced after them. Seamus considered this was a good opportunity to stab the Bigbug and chuck it down to its pets but it was not the right time. The gondola became visible again and they hovered at the gateway to DADA.

They landed and walked along a small yellow brick road and came to the gates. The gates were straight out of Oz. “One of my favourite movies,” confided the Bigbug, “I love the lion without a heart and those funny life forms – the munchkins?” They will be spared. This I promise you but Dorothy? She is much too pretty and fertile. She will be recycled.” Bigbug was talking to Moon again and ignoring Seamus. The M&Ms stomped along the yellow brick road behind them.

“Ok let’s go and meet the great wizard.” It pointed a finger at the doors shouting “Open Sesame!” Perfect Sinbad. The great door swung open.

“Wait here,” Bigbug ordered the M&Ms.

Warm, odd smelling, sickly air wafted out from inside. They went in. It was dark in the tunnel. The door closed behind them. Soft lighting illuminated a door a few metres away. Joseph Locke was singing ‘Come to Me in My Gondola.’

“DADA will be so pleased to meet you. Oh yes, happy as a bug in a bucket of blood.” Bigbug noticed Seamus silently praying mouthing the words of the Our Father. It mocked in a chanting voice, “Oh the Lord loves me, I am as happy as can be, my planets full and brimming over. And the good Lord said, let there be light, and there was light, and a flash wave, a heat wave, and a blast wave fell down illuminating the dark earth, and all the believers were blinded.” It began to sing, “ I’m in pieces, bits, and pieces.” They stopped at the door. It silently opened. “Ah here come the servants.” The servants were Cyclops. Ten of them. They were dressed in immaculate white robes but when they came close they stank of rotten meat. Bad corned beef. They were horrible things, their great eye staring at Moon and Seamus, registering, recording and storing every detail of them in their memory banks. They didn’t really have brains as such but a biological program organ. On one of them, its eye became a screen and it flashed a message in a very odd language at Bigbug. Bigbug nodded. The Cyclops grabbed Seamus and Moon and handcuffed their hands behind their backs.

“Standard procedure for guests. Actually, we have never had humans in here before. You are the first. “It stared at Seamus boring into his mind. “ Abandon all hope ye humans who enter here for is it not written in the good book,” said the Bigbug in its Archbishop of Canterbury's voice, “Blessed is the good man who expecteth nothing for he shall receive fuck all.” Moon thought the Bigbug was very funny and the Cyclops all made clicking noises of appreciation with Bigbug. “Yes, you are the first humans to enter here. A great honour,” added Bigbug. More clicking. The Cyclopes were, like the M&Ms, five times stronger than an average human man. They almost lifted Seamus and Moon off their feet as they walked with Bigbug up to the door of the great hive. Bigbug opened the door and went through. Moon and Seamus were gently but very firmly pushed through the door.

“We are in,” whispered Moon.