BigBug

The Bigbug fed them Sushi in part to confirm its own data that humans were attacking sea species purely for gastronomic pleasure. Seamus refused to eat. Food, was the last thing on his mind but Moon wolfed the Sushi down. He had super munchies, relishing every morsel, and he ate like a man who had been starved for weeks. The Bigbug always had a glass of Bug juice in its hand and was continually taking small breath-like sips. It spoke to Seamus but it was staring at Moon.

“I notice,” remarked Bigbug to Seamus, “that you have recognised this piece of slag.” He reached across and tapped the rock on its desk with a long bony claw like-finger. “A devious ploy. Typical devious errant human behaviour.”

“What’s he talking about?” asks Moon spraying Seamus with California roll particles.

“I don’t know what it is talking about.”

“O didn’t he tell you, Mr Moon,” says Bigbug, delighted to be stirring up malice and distrust between them,” this is the rock he gave to the lawyer Kraal. He has hidden your meteorite somewhere for himself. You have been double crossed by this dirty snake in the grass. He wants it all and he wants it now.”

Moon jumped up went to the desk and picked up the rock. The M&M Marine standing behind and to the side of the Bigbug aimed his assault rifle at Moon's chest and slipped off the safety catch. The Bigbug raised his hand, “Raise your weapon marine. Any hostile acts will result in this office, being filled with a very powerful knock out gas in less time it would take one to pull a trigger. The effect is instantaneous and very distressing. I, of course, am immune.” The marine snapped the safety back on and raised his weapon up.

“This is not my rock,” shouts Moon. “What have you done with my meteorite you rotten thieving bastard?”

It was time to negotiate.

“I knew we were being followed,” sighed Seamus, “and not by the police. They were real pros from some government intelligence department. I knew the rock would not be safe in Kraals office. Not from these type of people who were on our case. The spooks can do whatever they want, whenever they want, with governmental immunity. Your rock was obviously something very special to warrant this level of surveillance. I thought it might even be a radioactive part of a weapon or a very rare ore. I didn’t know. So until I did know what we had, and what was creating such a huge fuss, I laid a decoy.” He looked at the Bigbug. “I put in place some safeguards. I know what these people are like.”

“You sold us a pasty,” said the Bigbug.

“It’s my meteorite. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because, Moon, you have a big mouth. You would have told everyone in Finnegan’s before you finished your first pint.”

“That’s big time bollox. I never told anyone you were shagging Marks missus. Did I? I never said a word, for years.”

“That’s because you were shagging her too.”

“I never did, cross me heart and hope to die. How do you know that?”

“She told me. Moon you cannot trust people with important secrets. One other person knows and it’s not a secret anymore. It's become a worrying risk.”

“And where is the rock now?” asked the Bigbug and then it asked in an impeccable Laurence Olivier voice,” Is it safe?”

“It is very safe and if we don’t turn up back home, safe and sound, I have made arrangements that it will disappear. Forever. But, you let us go, and I will take you to the rock.”

Moon was not listening to the conversation. He was staring at the warrior figures. They were all so life like. Bigbug noticed.

“I have here all known human despots of note,” said Bigbug to Moon. “ Listen to them.” It switched them on and they all began screaming abuse at each other. The Bigbug smiled. “ They all hate each other so much. They are morons and they all at various times controlled this planet. They remind me this planet is and will always be controlled by morons. Humans all. That’s why I made them.”

“ You made them?” asked Moon. He was awestruck. He thought this was so cool.

“ Yes. I made them with a BPIMR/4D.” It saw the confusion in Moon’s eyes.“ A bionic printer enhanced with internal matter resolution. A 4D printer?”

“ Must order one from the Argos.”

“ You can make people?” asked Seamus.

“ They are toys,” replied Bigbug. “ Let me demonstrate.” It scanned the rock, the piece of slag on the table, with its right forefinger. It stood up and opened up a tall cabinet behind the desk, a cabinet with frosted glass door, tall and wide enough to accommodate a human toy, and took out a duplicate piece of slag and placed it on the table beside the original. “You see they are identical,” it raised its voice, “and even though one cannot tell them apart, one is real and the other is not! One is a fake! What defines originality?” It lifted up the duplicate piece of slag and hurled it with tremendous force at Ivan the Terrible. The duplicate rock smashed into Ivan’s head. The toy human fell over its cranium smashed open. It lay on the floor groaning its brains and blood running onto the Persian carpet. It let out a death rattle and lay still. Bigbug threw the slag piece so quickly and with such force, Seamus never even saw it move.“ I never did like that bollox,” said Bigbug in Moon’s Dublin accent. It tapped the remaining piece of slag on the table. “Let us get back to business at hand. I have a much better proposal. You were hoping this rock might be a rare meteorite perhaps from the Moon or Mars?”

“Yeah,” replied Moon. Seamus remained tight lipped.

“And you were hoping to sell this great find and make your fortune?”

“Yeah,” replied Moon. “Something like that.” He was smiling and nodding his head in agreement with Bigbug.

“I propose an exchange gentleman.”

“A swap?” asked Moon. The Bigbug nodded. “He thinks it’s a Martian marble.” Moon became very enthusiastic. “Do you,” Moon asked Bigbug “also collect Pokémon? I have-”

“Shut up,” barked Seamus at the Moon. “I am trying to get us out of here. What do you have to exchange?”

“Oh, I suppose I could let you have a chunk of the Moon or Mars. A sample from one of the other planets in this solar system is worthless to you because you will never get them classified. Come gentlemen and I will show you my mineral and rock collection. You can have a look at my meteorite and planetary rock specimens. Pick your choice.” It rose from behind the desk walked to the door, opened it, and beckoned them through. They walked behind the Bigbug a short distance down the corridor. Seamus did not notice any emergency exits. The Bigbug opened a door and they entered the Bigbug’s rock collection. It was a long room containing many thousands of rocks ranging from several grams’ pea size to large boulder size meteorites weighing several tons. The collection in there put the meteorite collections of the world to fade away. It also contained exquisite museum standard specimens of all the known precious and semi- precious stones and all the Earths' minerals. Many thousands of specimens. At the end of the long gallery and off to the left squatted a huge meteorite three or four metres in diameter almost touching the high ceiling.

“That specimen is a stony-iron meteorite from the Pacific Ocean. Most meteorites on Earth end up in the oceans. It’s nothing special, a Pallasite, just nickel iron, and olivine. I only recovered it because it is the heaviest meteorite on the planet.”

Moon was drooling. He was fascinated. He loved meteorites. The meteorites were arranged either side of the walkway leading to the Bigbug’s labs. One had to walk through and past the meteorites and planetary samples to get to the labs and work areas. As they walked towards the Bigbug’s labs the Bigbug stopped and talked about his collection.

“This collection was first started by my father van Zoete who was, as you know, a brilliant scientist.” When this didn’t register on Moon the Bigbug prompted. “The van Zoete cloud that surrounds the planet? Look here are some of the specimens I have brought back from there. They are all mainly the composition of stony meteorites but of course strictly speaking they are not meteorites as they did not come through the Earth’s or any other planets atmosphere.”

Seamus read the information, which defined the samples, printed on a couple of the cards. Some read van Zoete 1999 and one read van Zoete 1954. This strange geologist had been rock hunting in space for more than 60 years.

“What are you specifically looking for on your rock hunting expeditions?” asked Seamus.

“My father was an avid meteorite collector. Just before the outbreak of the Second World War, my father discovered extra-terrestrial life. In a meteorite. This was only possible because van Zoete had one of the most powerful microscopes in the world and the bugs loved honey. They stuck to the honey coated teaspoon in his lab and he stirred his tea with it and hey presto. Here we are.” The Bigbug tapped its head. “He discovered DATA. He found us and released us from the rock. We have been searching ever since for similar rocks. We know they exist. We know, on the day Jesus Christ was born, a meteorite shower hit the Earth and Moon. Possibly even Mars. We are searching for our species. You have one of our rocks. You have DATA.”

“I knew it was a meteorite,” says Moon. “I knew it from the moment I first held it in my hands. A meteorite full of little cosmic creepy crawlies. Wait until they read this in the Meteorite Times!”

The Bigbug began to laugh, “Cosmic creepy crawlies indeed. Yes, the CCCs of the United Bug Planets. The UBP. ” The Bigbug was pandering to Moon and it was so obvious. “Let me show you something you may be interested in.” The Bigbug walked to a section simply marked Mars. “Mars was once teeming with biological life but it could not sustain its atmosphere, it has no viable metallic core, and after several calamitous impacts, the atmosphere went. Look here.” It handed Moon a large Martian fossil and explained. “This was a fish like a creature that teemed in the Martian oceans and lakes. It had, as you may observe, six gills instead of two, to cope, I suspect, with a differing atmosphere and to process and purify the liquid in which it existed.”

Moon weighed the fossil gauging it up. It was heavy weighing maybe fifteen kilos. The fossil itself was beautiful and preserved in great detail. It looked to Moon like a giant Piranha. Each one of its saw blade teeth was there and not a one chipped or missing. It even had its petrified eyes, now two big black musket balls, glaring out at Moon. It was both magnificent and malevolent. Moon knew he was holding an artefact of earth shaking importance. “Remind me not to go skinny dipping next time we go to Mars for the weekend.”

“What I can do then is let you have one of these. In exchange.” The Bigbug pointed to a collection of rocks marked Martian fossils. The rocks were nothing much to look at just a collection of dusty boulders about the size of big pumpkins going down to tennis ball size. “Inside each of these is a Martian fossil also containing, of course, ample biological sedimentary remnants of the rich liquid system in which they existed. They are all the same fish type creatures you hold in your hand.”

“How do we know they are not empty?” asked Moon. “They might be duds.” He looked at Seamus his eyes going out of focus. “Could be bleeding ah, what’s it, you know, palm trees, coconuts? Martian coconuts. Don’t know what I am bleeding saying…” Moon was looking pale. He was shivering. The drug was wearing off. Moon was coming down to earth. Seamus was worried about him. Moon had been given a super drug. Seamus hoped he didn’t suffer super withdrawal symptoms.

“I will provide all necessary proof. I determined the composition of these rocks on Mars. I examined them all by non-invasive investigative methods before I brought them back. I was not going to bring back duds from Mars. Or I might add, Martian coconuts, but duds from Mars? I note that. Might write a song and send it to David.”

“They are not meteorites,” said Seamus.

“But you see they are. These creatures were swimming about when an impact took place, an impact of massive power and rapid duration. The creatures were encased in molten rock and hurled up into space where they rapidly cooled, preserving the fossils, and then they re-entered Mars, which at that time had an atmosphere. On their way through the Martian atmosphere, they were subjected to high temperature and were fusion crusted. They are meteorites. I discovered them because, in my scan of the area, in which I found them, my instruments read a high Iridium anomaly. Like the Earth and Moon, there is no Iridium to speak off located in the Martian crust or lower mantle. The iridium had to be of extra-Martian origin. These rocks contain up to 500 parts per billion Iridium deposited in the rocks on impact by a colossal mesosiderite meteorite. Earth’s greatest scientists will be delighted to claim this as a meteorite when you discover it. Be of no doubt. It is a meteorite and it will be the greatest find, the greatest discovery of mankind.”

The impact, the consequences, of what the Bigbug was telling them was sinking in. Even on Moon who was muttering with blue cold lips, “billions, billions, billions.”

“What do you say? Do we have a deal?”

“Well,” says Moon, hesitating, for he was at a want for words for once. He sat on a bench. He was not well. Behind him modestly displayed, as GOLD NUGGET PLUTO was a 200 kilo plus lump of pure gold.

“I don’t know,” says Seamus who thought it much too good to be true. A Martian meteorite that contained a beautiful complete fossil of a Martian fish/ creature? He was well enough versed in science, geology, and archaeology to know that, if this alien creature were telling the truth, they would have the greatest and most valuable treasure of all time and quite literally priceless. For billions read peanuts.

The Bigbug saw their hesitation and mistook their shock and amazement for greed. The humans wanted more. They always wanted more. Greed, the great human motor.

“Tell you what I’ll do my old Cocker's.” The Bigbug was now talking like a London East Enders market trader trying to clinch a deal. “Tell you what I’ll do. I’ll throw in a nice lunar meteorite which is, my lively lads, heavier than any of the rocks brought back by any of the Apollo moon missions.” It walked down to the lunar meteorites and rocks collection. He tapped a big rock, black and shiny, and studded with characteristic thumbprint indentations caused by ablation as the meteorite plunged through the earth’s atmosphere. “We give you a 74 kilos lunar anorthosite breccia at no extra cost. Purely as an honest gesture of our good will and our good intentions. What do you say, Paddy? Ireland forever! Cor, strewth, stone the crows and up the apples and pears, sure wasn’t me granny born in the old County Muldoon.”

“Does it have any creepy crawlies or fossils in it?” asked Moon. He was lying down on the bench with his hands over his eyes. He was developing one of his vicious headaches. He sat up and searched his pockets for Aspirin. He found a small bag. Inside were a plastic pillbox and a note written on a paper napkin. These had been hidden in his pocket as he was dressed in the torture clinic. The note was from the Hungarian major and written in English.

“I hope you make it ok Mr Moon. I am sorry the way we treated you. We were given false orders by a creature who has now invaded this place and who is going to take you away. We are powerless to stop it. I don’t think we are going to survive so I give you a box of 100 GUSH pills. Enjoy but use them sparingly. If you take three or more GUSH you will pass away in extraordinary bliss. God bless you and keep you safe.”

“What’s that you have?” asked the Bigbug. It walked across to where Moon was and sat on the bench beside him. It placed its glass of Bug juice on the small marble table. Bigbug’s bodyguard the big M&M Marine followed and stood behind Bigbug and Moon.

“Nothing,” says Moon. He blew his nose on the tissue and put the GUSH pills back in his pocket. “Looking for an Aspirin. I have a headache, a migraine, coming on.” He stood up and threw the note into the waste paper bin. He was feeling now the pain of his torture. He looked at the Bigbug. So that’s the alien bollox had me tortured and almost executed. I’d better find out what’s going on in its head reasoned Moon and he swallowed the GUSH tab. “Aspirin,” lied the Moon, “never go to a party or a police station without it.”

“Let me get you a glass of water,” said the Bigbug and, feigning concern, rushed off to get it. The M&M stayed behind watching Seamus and Moon.

Moon beckoned over Seamus. He whispered in his ear. “Cause a distraction. Get this goon off my back. I only need a minute. Cause a distraction if you want to get out of here.”

Seamus walked off down the gallery and stopped at DIAMONDS. He picked up a diamond the size of a good decent Irish spud before it was peeled, boiled, and consumed by the accursed stranger from across the sea.

“Put that down,” growled the M&M. It marched forward towards Seamus. “Put it down.” It moved its head very close to Seamus’s neck. It's mouth stank of rotten flesh. It snapped its stainless steel blood stained teeth in warning. “Don’t touch anything unless the Professor says so.”

“Sorry. Sorry, just taking a look.” The M&M snarled - a frightening inhuman sound. Seamus dropped the big diamond. It made a loud noise and fractured a marble tile. Seamus was shocked and scared. The M&M snapped its pointed serrated stainless steel teeth, teeth designed for ripping tearing and eating raw flesh. Seamus quickly picked up the diamond and put it back. “Sorry.”

“That will come out of your pay,” snapped the M&M, “now get back to your accomplice.”

Seamus staggered back to Moon and sat beside him. He was terrified with this M&M creature. He knew it was a monstrous cannibal who wanted to rip him to pieces. He was shocked and shaking. He had also pissed himself. He was overwhelmed with fear, humiliation and shame. He knew he was on the verge of complete breakdown. The M&M Marine stood in front of them looking at them with hatred and contempt and something else. A diabolical yearning in its cold eyes. The colour was back in Moon’s face and his eyes flashed with devilment and excitement. Moon whispered to Seamus. “The Hungarians slipped a note in my pocket and a box of GUSH super pills. That alien bastard had me tortured. I want to thank you. If you hadn’t hidden the meteorite we would now be dead. As long as we have the rock we will live. Now I know you think I’m a wee bit mad, and completely off the head, but you have to trust me. If you want to know what’s going on take one of these.” He slipped Seamus a GUSH tab. “Otherwise we will never get out of here. We have to find out what these aliens are up to. These pills are trippingly truthful and mind-bogglingly marvellous. Trust me. Take the trip. To free the people, you must first free yourself. Swallow the tab. Let your mind work it all out in the great harmony with mankind’s amazing all.”

“Leave me alone you crazy bastard.”

Seamus held his head in his hands and closed his eyes. He was scared, lonely, and depressed as a solitary unwanted ice cube, the last one of his deep freeze, stuck atop an uncaring glazier, brain melting to cold sludge, dripping melancholic icicles from his nostrils, drifting into a freezing murky fog, cursing the tardy sadistic sun to come out and do its job. This was as low as he could go. Fuck it. Nothing to lose but his life. Seamus swallowed the GUSH tab.