Big girls don't cry

Aleida’s POV

I can’t look at them... Or even feel their scent right now; I know this happened a long time ago, and I don’t have a right to feel the pain that I carry in my heart. I have tried to push away the nagging feeling of betrayal that pulsates within me every time I see my mates. It’s a humiliation to me that they haven’t told me this before. Would I be mad? Yes. Would I have been hurt? Definitely. Could I have moved on? No doubt. But now... I don’t really know. Had the words come from my mates instead of that woman who touched my mates before I had the opportunity to do so, I would probably have been more comfortable forgiving them for their lies. Life is a soup, and I have a fork; at least, that’s how I feel. Darkness and pain that makes me want to finish everything once and for all take over my mind. However, it isn’t something I can implement; this isn’t about me wanting attention or sympathy. I don’t want to end my life, but at the same time, I don’t want to exist either; I’m more afraid to live than I am to die. My self-harm behavior, depression, and anxiety aren’t always manageable. I can’t control it all the time, and it’s when I don’t have the control that these thoughts break in to build nests in my mind. Where they lie and germinate until it’s time to strike, and I’m the one who again gets hurt. Because that’s the way it is, it’s always me who suffers. For once, can’t anyone else take over my pain, if only for a day? Can I not live a single day of my life without feeling defective and in constant torment? The memories that haunt me every night, the nightmares that eat me from within... Why can no one understand this and help me out of it? My eyes are still on the ceiling; my body tells me to get up; otherwise, there’ll be an accident in bed. While my brain tells me to stay here, there’s no reason to get up.

Our mates are awake and want to talk to us.

I’m grunting and pushing my head down between the pillows, trying desperately to disappear between all the softness and hopefully forget about their disloyalty.

Come on, Aleida. Haven’t they suffered enough? Even I begin to forgive them, so why can’t you?

I don’t know, Lisa! It hurts me to look at them, to know that they have been inside another person when they knew they have a mate out there. It pains me to the level that I don’t know if I can take it anymore…

You shouldn’t do anything stupid! I need to talk to Jax and Ryan about this.

Don’t; they’ll just tell Miliano and Kian; that’s a conversation I can happily envision to avoid.

How do you intend to stop me?

She turns off our link and walks away. I sigh soundly from my place in the soft bed and finally decide to stop torturing my poor full bladder; I twitch when the cold surface of the toilet seat meets my warm skin. When I wash my hands, I take the opportunity to look in the mirror. My markings are virtually gone, which confuses me. Because I don’t feel weaker or tired in any way that I do the day my mates have to take me to the pack hospital, can it be that Hailey’s curse died when I killed her or is that just wishful thinking? I throw on a pair of gray sweatpants and a thick black sweater with a hood that I pull over my head in an effort to signal my need to be alone. Not that it’ll help me when I get into the kitchen. That’s where both of my mates are in a heated discussion. Quiet as a little mouse, I manage to fill a mug with piping hot black coffee; I even succeed in getting the newspaper off the table when I walk out the back to sit down at the white café table under the parasol. My eyes close, and I’m enjoying the scent of the forest, the wind, the animals, and the water. It’s a fantastic experience to just get to inhaling these scents. With raised knees, I put the wrapped newspaper over them as a support and begin reading. I’m entirely in my own world when my mates clear their throats and sit down on the other side of the table from me.

“Can I at least finish reading this article before you start asking for forgiveness for the thousandth time?” I ask with a severe face, without looking up from the newspaper.

Silence prevails during the time I read, and I can only embrace these quiet minutes before the storm. I fold the paper together and slam it down on the table.

“So, gentlemen. What can I do for you today?” I ask dramatically and sip from my coffee; I get two smiles for my comment; apparently, they think it was funny.

“Your sense of humor hasn’t disappeared anyway,” Miliano says, grinning.

“No, but my patience has. Out with it!” I growl; he looks shocked at my apparent shifting mood and pulls a hand through his hair while sighing.

“We just want you to talk to us. Scream, punch us, call us things, anything! But not this silent treatment... It takes a lot out of us that you don’t want to hear our part of history at all,” Miliano explains, and my guilty conscience eats at me; I know I should at least give them an explanation of why I can’t even if I want to.

“Okay, here’s the thing. I want to be able to listen to you and understand, but I know I can’t. At least not yet. Lisa has been lecturing me repeatedly that I shouldn’t be so hard on you, and believe me when I say that I try not to. For me, who has saved myself all these years with my first kiss, among other things, it hurts to know that there was someone else in your life before me. I know that it shouldn’t bother me, you are both at such an age that it would be a wonder if you didn’t, but the fact remains, and it’s that I’m hurt neither you mean it or not,” I explain, and they both are silent, processing the words; Kian is the first to break the silence.

“Have I ever told you about what I liked about you at our first meeting?” he asks, and I shake my head, ‘no.’ ”I had to double-check that the creature in front of me was actually for real and not a manifestation of my imagination. You were so beautiful. My heart almost stopped in my chest when our glances met, and I realized that the moon goddess had grace enough to give me this amazing person I had in front of me. A light, a guide in the darkness I called my life. You made me whole that day, and you keep doing it every day; you’re an admirable person and help the people around you without even being aware of it. Just being in your presence gives us all peace and radiates warmth to our peers. You have all the luna qualities, and I can’t do much else but thank you for tumbling into my life. You messed up my whole world, and all I can say is ‘welcome inside.’”

A tear slips down my cheek and lands on my knee. I can’t explain the warmth I feel inside me. Laughter bubbles out of me in pure joy when I wrap my arms around his neck and hugs him hard.

“Thank you,” is all I can say at this moment.

Because I know words can’t describe what I want to say. Kian smiles at me and sits down again. Miliano looks like he’s thinking hard about something and is in his own little world. I wave my hand before his eyes, and it’s only now that he reacts.

“What?” Miliano asks.

I laugh softly at his visible confusion. My hand moves up to his cheek, and before I have time to think, I kiss his forehead with such love as a mother has for her child.

“I’m going to be all right, just not today, okay?” I ask.

They both nod, and Kian gets up from the table. He kisses my forehead before entering the house. I turn to Miliano, who still doesn’t seem able to let go of his thoughts.

“Do you know how happy I am that I have you in my life?” I ask softly; he looks up at me with his blue-green eyes. “Even though you both are a massive pain in my ass at regular intervals, I wouldn’t trade you for everything in the world. I may have said that I would leave you and search for my second chance, and let me tell you, that won’t happen. You need me at least as much as I need you. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and that I was hurt is no excuse for what I did and made you feel. From the bottom of my heart, forgive me, Milo.”

Without a word, he rises, walks up to me, and lifts me from the chair. With me in his arms, he sits down on the place I have been sitting on and hugs me.

“Thank you, Aleida,” he answers and nuzzle my neck.

We don’t say anything else; we don’t need to. The love between us as good as crackles.

You see, it wasn’t that hard, was it?

Shut up, Lisa, don’t test my patience.

It would help if you, my dear Aleida, took the opportunity to enjoy the peace. Because I’ve talked to both Ryan and Jax, they’ll tell their humans to know soon. Then you’re the one in the crossfire and not me. You’re going to need me, just like I need you alive; you mean a lot to me, and I can’t just stand by to watch you bury yourself in the dark. You must get out of it, neither you want to nor not.

Thank you, Lisa.

I break the link and return to our cuddle session. Miliano nuzzles my neck and kisses me where my mark should be.

“It’s completely gone,” he states.

“I know.”

“Should we do it again?” he asks, excited.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea until we know with certainty that it won’t happen again. It almost broke my body down the last time, and I can’t say with confidence that I can fight through it again.”

“I understand, all in due time, baby girl.”

I smile at his words. Both my mates are like those lollipops you could buy before. Hard on the inside but soft on the inside; my marshmallows.

“Where’s Kian?” I ask.

“Packhouse. He takes over my duties for the day so that I can be with you,” my mate answers; I give him a mischievous smile, and he laughs when he sees it. “What’s going on inside that filthy mind of yours, my dear?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Of course, I would love that.”

“Why tell you when I can show you?”

I get up from his lap and drag him with me into the house. We sprint up the stairs, and my bedroom door doesn’t even have time to close before he presses me against it. Miliano’s tongue rubs against mine inside my mouth. His hands slide over my body and make my skin scream ‘want.’ We tear off each other’s clothes, and I can’t help but groan when our bodies meet each other in a hot meeting. However, we don’t get far because Kian roars out my name downstairs. We quickly dress again and hurry down the stairs. Miliano suddenly stops, and his gaze dims over. My eye lands on Kian standing in front of the front door; oh, moon goddess, he is pissed.

“Would you like to explain to me why Jax says Lisa told him that you’re suicidal and you haven’t told us anything?” he asks with mad eyes.

Oh, shit...