SWNOVELS Beyond the Game: Chapter 6
Pregnant.
I’m pregnant.
Four tests last night and six new ones this morning and every single one of them says the same thing.
I have less than nine months to figure out how the hell I’m going to handle this newfound situation. Before I do anything else I run to the calendar hanging on my fridge and count back. I was with the mystery man also known as Ben Dover in May, which should put me at, “Eleven weeks? How the hell did I not know for eleven weeks? Shit.” It also means this baby will be here by the end of February or beginning of March.
Slowly, I back up and stumble into one of my two kitchen chairs. I don’t even have a reason to own two kitchen chairs except the table came with two chairs so here I am with an empty seat next to me. Like this table knew one day I was going to need a second chair and now look at me.
“Eleven weeks.”
How could this even be?
I watched him put that condom on.
Did it break and he didn’t tell me?
Is he that kind of guy?
How would I know? I barely knew him.
Sighing in my chair, I know in the grand scheme of things, I can question all I want, but it changes nothing.
I am now a future single mother.
My baby will never know its father…because I don’t even know its father.
“How could I have been so stupid?”
Instinctively, I lower my hand to my stomach. I’m not a skinny rail so I wonder if it’s possible I might look pregnant to someone if I were naked. I don’t feel like I look different, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel any different.
In hindsight, I’ve been ignoring symptoms for a while now. Not on purpose, obviously, but had I really been paying attention, maybe I would’ve caught this earlier. I was super tired for much of June but I chalked that up to having to move to a new town and getting situated. I’ve been nauseous for at least the last three weeks assuming it was new job, new town, new life nerves. And my boobs…yep. They’ve been busting out of my bras a bit but once again, I knew I had been eating more fast food than usual as I was getting all my stuff moved and organized. I was giving myself a little grace until the school year started.
Tears spring to my eyes as worry and fear set in. I knew I was strong enough to finally walk away from my lying, cheating ex. I knew I was strong enough to move to a new town and start a new job. But this…
I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this.
___
“What am I going to do?” After navigating through an entire morning of teacher training that included emergency scenarios like intruders in the building, school shootings, and natural disasters, my brain is overloaded. All I could think about while watching those training videos was what I would do if my own kid had to experience any of these moments.
What if I can’t get to them?
How do I keep them safe?
How do I send them off to school feeling safe when in reality, I’ll fear for their safety every day?
The water works explode the minute my butt hits the chair at my lunch table, my three new friends watching and waiting for what I might have to say.
“I’m really sorry I’m having a weak moment right now, you guys, but I need a quick pity party for just a few minutes.” I bow my head into my hands and allow myself to cry out my fears and frustrations.
“Let it out, Tate.” Rory pats my shoulder. “Even Shelly here remembers what it was like to be pregnant for the first time. It’s exciting and scary all at the same time.”
I lift my head. “When does the exciting part start? Because the last twenty-four hours have been nothing but a horribly bad dream that I wish I could wake up from and never dream again.”
Shelly crunches down on an apple. “Listen, the exciting part comes at the end when you’re finally holding that little bundle of joy that destroys your body and your mind and your heart in your hands. The little miracle that you grew all by yourself.” She points to my stomach. “That little one in there will know nothing of your fears and inhibitions because the moment he or she comes into this world, they will have eyes for nobody else but you. And you’ll fall in love so hard, you’ll forget every sad and scary moment you ever had during these next few months. That’s the exciting part.”
I blow out a staggered breath. “You make it all sound so wonderful, Shelly.”
“Yeah, yeah. I won’t mention what happens when that kid’s head rips your lady bits apart on its evacuation or the sleepless nights you’ll have for weeks at a time. Or how hard and painful your nipples will—”
“I think she gets it, Shell.” Rory shakes her head, giving Shelly that face that says shut the fuck up.
Pushing my fingers through my hair, I comb a few layers away from my face. “Like, who even lives this kind of life? How did I get here? In the past four months, I have officially divorced my husband, interviewed for a new job, gone on vacation to celebrate my divorce and new job, had the best sex I have seriously ever had with a man I don’t even know, and now I’m pregnant with his kid and will never be able to tell him about it. And now my kid will never know its father.” Sniffle. “What the ever-loving hell did I do to deserve this?”
A sympathetic smile tugs at the corner of Nina’s lips. “You know, if my mom were here right now, she would probably say you’re looking at things all wrong.”
“All wrong? Nothing is going right!”
She shakes her head. “But that’s where you’re wrong. You left a deceitful, selfish, unloving man, you not only interviewed but were granted a new job, you moved yourself to a new town, met three new pretty fantastic friends if I do say so myself…”
“Agreed.” Rory winks.
“And you were granted the opportunity to bring a child into this world as a loving, caring, compassionate mother. Did you not want kids?”
“Of course, I wanted kids. I just…” I slouch in my chair, releasing a heavy sigh. “This just wasn’t how I pictured it.”
“Is any of the last four months how you pictured it though?” she asks me. “Did you wake up even a year ago and say, ‘I think today I will divorce my husband, go on vacation, fuck a hot guy, and carry his child all while starting a new job in a new state’?”
Her query makes me chuckle. “Alright, you got me. No, I guess not.”
“See? Life isn’t something you can plan for,” she explains. “Life is an experience. Something you live wholeheartedly and with passion…until you die.”
Shelly gestures toward Nina. “Spoken like a true hippie.”
“Maybe.” Nina shrugs. “My mom was always a very spiritual person. Always told me if I don’t choose to get busy living, I may as well get busy dying.”
Well, that’s a perspective I hadn’t considered.
I suppose there’s some good truth to that statement.
“Thanks Nina.”
“Anytime, babe. I really think you’re going to be just fine. And we’ll all be here to help you through the next few months. Don’t sweat it.”
“Do you have family back home?” Rory asks me.
“Yeah. I do. A wonderfully supportive family.”
“Have you told any of them yet?”
I shake my head. “No. I need to process this first, you know? Make sure I’m in the right mindset.”
“Do you think they’ll be supportive of you?”
“They may be a little disappointed or sad that the father isn’t in the picture, but I know they’ll support me without a doubt. My parents have been there for me every step of the way. They won’t shove my fuckups in my face. They saw how broken I was when Michael cheated on me with my best friend.”
The ladies gasp and Rory nearly chokes on her water. “Whaaaat? Your best friend?”
I nod.
“Giiirl, no.” Shelly waves her hand. “I’m going to tell you what this is because ain’t nobody gonna tell my girl, Tate, here, that she fucked up. So, this is how it is.”
“Okay…”
“Honey, you left that man and your bitch best friend high and dry and you took yourself out of the equation for good.” She gives me a high five.
“Then, like the badass woman you are, you got yourself a brand-new job, and a brand-new home, in a brand-new state all by your fuckin’ self. Nobody could do that for you.” She points to me. “You did that.” She high fives me again.
“Then you took yourself on vacation and had the best fuck of your life with a man who clearly knew how to rock your body in ways your dumbass loser of a husband never did and you enjoyed every fuckin’ minute of it, am I right?”
Thoughts of Ben with his hands on my body, his tongue between my legs, his cock warm in my mouth float through my mind as I nod. “Ooooh yes.”
“That’s right, girl. You enjoyed it. And now you’re carrying this man’s baby and you are going to be the best badass mother this kid has ever known and you’re going to look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how strong you are because you can do all those things. You’re a fighter. You’re a lover. You’re a goddamn overcomer, Tate Lowe. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”
Rory and Nina begin a slow clap. “Wow!” Rory says with amusement in her voice. “That was an inspiring speech if I ever heard one.”
“Hey, if I don’t practice my daily affirmations, I’ll die in a sea of needy children,” she laughs. “And that is a sad way to die.”
Once our laughter dies down, Rory asks about prenatal care. “I don’t have a doctor yet. I guess now I need to do some searching.”
“Okay.” She grabs my hand. “Why don’t we get together after our last meeting today and we can talk through everything so your mind isn’t a huge blur. How does that sound?”
“Oh, my God, that would be great. Thank you, Rory.”
“It’s the least I can do. I can go through and show you which doctors the ladies around here prefer, and we can kind of make a plan for the next few months at least, so you’re comfortable. We’ll need to think about things like maternity leave and plans for when that happens and all that stuff we don’t always think about. I’m more than willing to be by your side every step of the way. If you need someone for an appointment, I’m there. You need a Lamaze coach? Count me in. You need me to bitch slap the old woman at the grocery store who thinks she has the right to touch your baby bump? I will bitch slap her all the way to kingdom come.”
I squeeze her fingers wrapped around my hand and inhale a deep breath.
I can do this.
I can do hard things.
Everything is going to be fine.
“I like that plan. Let’s rip off the Band-Aid, right?”
Rory nods with a smile. “Right.”