Behind Closed Doors: A Novel

As we drive to Millie’s school on Sunday morning, I’m so stressed about why Mrs Goodrich has asked to see us that it’s a relief Jack didn’t bring me breakfast before leaving. He didn’t bring any food yesterday either, which means I’ve had nothing to eat since lunch in the restaurant on Friday. I don’t know why he chose not to feed me but it was probably because Esther helped me finish my dessert, which he would consider as cheating, knowing all too well that I wouldn’t have been able to eat it after the reference he made to Millie’s bedroom. In the sick world that Jack has created for me, there are many things I’m not allowed to do and wasting food is one of them.

My heart starts hammering as soon as we’re ushered into Mrs Goodrich’s office, especially when Janice sits down with us, her face grave. We haven’t seen Millie yet, so I presume that she doesn’t know Jack and I are already here. But I needn’t have worried; all they want to tell us is that because she’s been having trouble sleeping, which makes her irritable during the day, the school doctor has prescribed something to calm her before bedtime.

‘Do you mean sleeping pills?’ I ask.

‘Yes,’ Mrs Goodrich says. ‘To be administered—with your permission, of course—as and when she needs them.’

‘I don’t have a problem with that, do you, darling?’ Jack asks, turning to me. ‘If it’s in Millie’s interest.’

‘No, not if the doctor thinks she needs them,’ I say slowly. ‘It’s just that I don’t particularly want her to become dependent on drugs to help her sleep.’

‘He hasn’t prescribed anything too strong, I hope?’ Jack enquires.

‘No, not at all, they can be bought over the counter.’ Mrs Goodrich opens a folder on the desk in front of her, takes out a piece of paper and hands it to him.

‘Thank you. I’ll just make a note of the name, if you don’t mind.’

‘I actually gave her one last night because she seemed particularly disturbed,’ Janice says as he types the name of the pills into his phone. ‘I hope that was all right.’

‘Of course,’ I say, reassuringly. ‘You already have my written permission to take any action you see fit in my absence.’

‘What we are wondering,’ Mrs Goodrich goes on, ‘is if there is any reason why Millie should suddenly have trouble sleeping.’ She pauses delicately. ‘Did she seem anxious, or unhappy, when you visited last weekend, for example?’

Jack shakes his head. ‘She just seemed her usual self to me.’

‘To me too—although she was a little put out that we didn’t go to the hotel for lunch,’ I say. ‘For some reason, it’s her favourite place, although Jack and I prefer the restaurant by the lake. But she soon rallied round.’

Mrs Goodrich exchanges a glance with Janice. ‘We rather wondered if it’s because she hasn’t seen the house yet,’ she says.

‘I doubt it,’ I say quickly. ‘I mean, she understands that we prefer her to see it once it’s completely finished rather than with half of it covered in dust sheets and ladders—unless she mentioned something to you, darling?’

‘Nothing at all,’ Jack confirms. ‘But if it’s bothering her, I’m perfectly happy for her to come and see it as soon as her bedroom’s finished. The only danger is that she’ll probably fall in love with it and won’t want to leave,’ he adds with a laugh.

‘I think it’s probably the thought of leaving here that is weighing heavily on her mind,’ I suggest, ignoring the way my heart has suddenly plummeted. ‘After all, it has been her home for the last seven years and she’s been very, very happy here.’

‘You’re right, of course.’ Janice nods. ‘I should have thought of that.’

‘And she’s particularly attached to you. Perhaps you could reassure her that you’ll always keep in touch, that you’ll continue to see her once she’s left,’ I go on. ‘If you want to, that is.’

‘Of course I do! Millie has become like a little sister to me.’

‘Well, if you can tell her that you’ll come and see her regularly once she’s moved in with us, I’m sure that will be enough to allay any fears she may have.’

Jack smiles, understanding only too well what I’ve just done. ‘And if Millie says anything, anything at all, no matter how insignificant it may seem, that gives you cause for concern, please let us know,’ he says. ‘All we want is for Millie to be happy.’

‘Well, may I say once again how fortunate Millie is to have you both,’ says Mrs Goodrich.

‘It is we who are fortunate,’ Jack corrects modestly. ‘In fact, with both Grace and Millie in my life, I count myself as the most fortunate man in the world.’ He gets to his feet. ‘Now, perhaps we can take Millie to lunch. Although she’ll probably be disappointed that we won’t be going to the hotel—I’ve reserved a table at a new restaurant. It’s meant to have the most wonderful food.’

I don’t bother getting my hopes up. If Jack is taking us somewhere new, it means he’s already checked it out.

‘We go hotel today?’ Millie asks hopefully, when we go to fetch her.

‘Actually, there’s a new restaurant I’d like to take you to,’ Jack says.

‘I like hotel best,’ she scowls.

‘Another day. Come on, let’s go.’

Millie’s face is glum as we make our way to the car, the frustration of not being able to go to the hotel evident. I manage to give her hand a squeeze as we get into the car and, understanding that I’m telling her to be careful, she makes an effort to perk up a bit.

During lunch, Jack asks Millie why she can’t sleep at night and she tells him that she can hear flies buzzing around in her head. He asks if the pill that Janice had given her the night before had helped and she says that it did, that she slept very well, ‘like baby’, so he tells her that we’ve given our permission for her to carry on taking them whenever she needs them. She asks if Molly has come back yet and, because my throat has suddenly tightened, as it always does when I think of Molly, it is Jack who tells her gently that it is unlikely she will, that she was probably found by a little girl who doesn’t know that she’s a runaway and loves her very much. He promises that as soon as she moves in with us, he’ll take her to choose a puppy of her own and, when Millie’s face lights up with happiness, the urge to grab a knife off the table and stick it deep into his heart is overwhelming. Sensing this perhaps, Jack reaches out and covers my hand with his, making the waitress who has come to take away our plates smile at this display of affection between us.

When we’ve finished our desserts, Millie says she needs to go to the toilet.

‘Go on, then,’ says Jack.

Millie looks at me. ‘You come, Grace?’

I stand up. ‘Yes, I need to go too.’

‘We’ll all go,’ says Jack.

We follow him along to the toilets, which are exactly as I thought they’d be, a single one for women and a single one for men, the two doors side by side. The Ladies’ is engaged, so we wait on either side of Jack for it to become vacant. A lady comes out and Jack’s hand grips my elbow tightly as a reminder that I’m not to tell her my husband is a psychopath.

As Millie disappears into the cubicle, the lady turns and smiles at us, and I know that all she sees is a charming young couple standing so close to each other that they must be very much in love, which makes me realise, once again, how hopeless my situation is. I’m beginning to despair of anyone ever questioning the absolute perfectness of our lives and, whenever we are with friends, I marvel at their stupidity in believing that Jack and I never argue, that we agree about absolutely everything, that I, an intelligent thirty-two-year-old woman with no children, could be content to sit at home all day and play house.

I long for somebody to ask questions, to be suspicious. My thoughts turn immediately to Esther and I wonder if I should be more careful what I wish for. If Jack becomes suspicious of her constant questioning, he may decide that I’ve encouraged her in some way and my life will be even less worth living. Were it not for Millie, I would gladly exchange death for this new life that I lead. But were it not for Millie, I wouldn’t be here. As Jack has already told me, it is Millie he wants, not me.