Behind Closed Doors: A Novel

It’s the day of Millie’s party. Just as I’m beginning to think that Jack is never going to come and let me into the bedroom next door so that I can get ready, I hear him coming up the stairs.

‘Party time!’ he says, throwing open the door. He seems so excited that I wonder what he has up his sleeve. But I can’t afford to worry about it. Although I’m happy with the progress I’ve made over the last two weeks, it’s important that today, of all days, I keep calm.

I go into my old bedroom and open the wardrobe, hoping that Jack will choose something pretty for me to wear in honour of Millie’s birthday. The dress Jack picks out for me was already a little big for me, so when I put it on it highlights how thin I am now. I see Jack frowning, but, as he doesn’t tell me to change out of it, I guess it’s my appearance in general that concerns him. My face, when I look in the mirror, looks gaunt, making my eyes seem enormous.

I put on a little make-up and, when I’m ready, I follow Jack downstairs. He has prepared the lunch we are to have with Millie and Janice, and has had caterers prepare the food for the party this afternoon rather than allow me to make it, as I had wanted. It all looks perfect. He checks the time on his watch and we go into the hall. He types a code into the keypad on the wall and the front gates whir open. Minutes later, we hear the sound of a car approaching. Jack walks to the front door and opens it just as Janice brings her car to a stop.

Janice and Millie get out of the car. Millie rushes towards me wearing a pretty pink dress with a matching ribbon in her hair while Janice follows at a more leisurely pace, looking around her, taking everything in.

‘You look lovely, Millie,’ I tell her, giving her a hug.

‘Love house, Grace!’ she cries, her eyes shining. ‘Is beautiful!’

‘It certainly is, ‘Janice says admiringly, coming up behind her. She shakes Jack’s hand, then mine.

Millie turns to Jack. ‘House beautiful.’

He gives a gracious bow. ‘I’m very glad you like it. Why don’t we go in and I’ll show you around. But perhaps you’d like a drink first. I thought we could have it on the terrace, unless you feel it’s too cold.’

‘The terrace will be lovely,’ says Janice. ‘We should make the most of this gorgeous weather, especially as it’s not going to last.’

We go through the hall, into the kitchen and out onto the terrace, where cans of cold drinks and fruit juices are sitting in ice. The glasses are already on the table; there will be no going back inside to fetch them and leaving me alone with Janice and Millie. With so many people joining us this afternoon, Jack is going to have his work cut out keeping an eye on me.

We sip our drinks and make polite conversation. Millie doesn’t sit still for long; she’s far too excited and goes off to explore the garden. We catch up with her while we’re showing Janice around.

‘Would you like to see your bedroom, Millie?’ Jack asks.

She nods enthusiastically. ‘Yes please, Jack.’

‘I hope you’re going to like it.’

‘I like yellow,’ she says happily.

The four of us go upstairs and Jack opens the door to the master bedroom where he sleeps and where, this time, items I have never seen before but which are obviously meant to belong to me—a silk dressing gown, bottles of perfume and some magazines—give the impression that I sleep there too. When Millie shakes her head and tells him that it’s not her bedroom, he shows her one of the guest bedrooms, which is decorated in blue and white.

‘What do you think?’ he asks.

She hesitates. ‘Is pretty, but not yellow.’

He moves on to the room I used to inhabit. ‘What about this one?’

Millie shakes her head. ‘Don’t like green.’

Jack smiles. ‘It’s just as well it’s not your room then.’ Janice joins in the game. ‘Maybe it’s over there,’ she says, pointing to the door further down the landing. Millie runs and opens it and finds a bathroom.

‘Why don’t you try that door?’ suggests Jack, pointing to the door to my box room.

She does as he says. ‘Is horrible.’ She frowns, peering inside. ‘I not like it.’

‘It is horrible, isn’t it?’ I agree.

‘Don’t worry, Millie, I’m only teasing,’ Jack laughs. ‘There’s still one door that you haven’t tried, opposite the master bedroom. Why don’t you have a look in there?’

She runs back down the landing, opens the door and lets out a squeal of delight. By the time we’ve caught up with her, she’s bouncing up and down on the bed, the skirt of her pink dress billowing around her, and she looks so happy that tears well up inside me. I swallow them down quickly, reminding myself of all that is at stake.

‘I think she likes it,’ Jack says, turning to Janice.

‘Who wouldn’t? It’s gorgeous!’

He only gets Millie to leave the room with the promise of lunch. We go downstairs and, on the way to the dining room, where we are to eat, Jack shows Millie and Janice the rest of the house.

‘What in here?’ Millie asks, trying the door to the basement. ‘Why it locked?’

‘It leads to the basement,’ Jack tells her.

‘What the basement?’

‘It’s where I like to keep things,’ he says.

‘Can I see?’

‘Not now.’ He pauses a moment. ‘But, when you come and live with us, I’ll be more than happy to show you.’

It’s hard to carry on, but with his hand hard on my back I don’t have much choice. We eat an informal lunch of cold meats and salads and, while we’re having coffee, Millie asks if she can explore the garden again, so we carry our cups out onto the terrace.

‘I hope you approve of the home we’ve provided for Millie,’ Jack says, pulling out chairs for us to sit on.

‘Definitely.’ Janice nods. ‘I can see why you wanted to wait until the work was finished before Millie saw the house. It really is marvellous. It must have been a huge undertaking.’

‘Well, it wasn’t exactly easy living with building work going on the whole time, but it was worth it, wasn’t it, darling?’

‘Yes,’ I agree. ‘Where are we going to have Millie’s party, outside or in?’

‘I had intended to set it up in the dining room, but it’s such lovely weather perhaps we could have it here on the terrace. That way Millie and the other children can play in the garden.’

‘I didn’t realise you’d invited anyone else,’ Janice exclaims.

‘We wanted to make it a real celebration for Millie and we thought it important that she meets our friends,’ Jack explains. ‘And, although the other children are younger than Millie, I’m hoping they’ll treat her as a big sister.’ He looks at his watch. ‘We invited them for three, so would you mind keeping an eye on Millie while Grace and I get everything ready?’

Janice nods. ‘I’ll go and get her tidied up a bit.’

‘Before you go, I have something for her.’ Jack calls Millie up from the bottom of the garden. ‘Millie, if you go into the sitting room, you’ll find a big box behind one of the chairs. Do you think you could bring it to me?’

She disappears into the house and I try not to worry about what it is he has for her, telling myself that he wouldn’t do anything stupid in front of Janice. Still, I can’t help feeling relieved when Millie opens the box and takes out a yellow satin dress with a full skirt and a wide belt.

‘It’s lovely, Jack,’ I say, hating my gratitude, and, when Millie throws her arms around his neck, I feel the same pang of regret that I always feel whenever I’m reminded of how it could have been.

‘I’m glad you approve.’

Janice looks at me in surprise. ‘You didn’t help him choose it?’

‘No, I’m afraid Jack quite took over the preparations for Millie’s party. But, as you can see, he’s perfectly capable of managing on his own.’

‘Why don’t you take Millie up to her room and get her changed there?’ Jack suggests. ‘Go on, Millie, go with Janice.’

As they leave, he turns to me. ‘She may as well enjoy it while she can—somehow, I don’t think she’s going to like her real bedroom quite as much, do you? Right, time to get the table ready.’

He extends the already large wooden table to its maximum length so that it will seat everybody—nine adults and five children—without too much trouble. As we move between kitchen and terrace, carrying plates and glasses, I try not to let his reference to Millie’s bedroom detract from what I have to do this afternoon.

‘What do you think?’ asks Jack, looking at the table heaving with food.

‘It’s lovely,’ I say, admiring the banner and balloons he has strung around the terrace. ‘Millie will love it.’

As if on cue, she and Janice appear, Millie radiant in her new dress and a ribbon in her hair.

‘What a beautiful young lady!’ Jack exclaims, making Millie blush with pleasure. I look at her anxiously, hoping that she isn’t going to start being taken in by Jack.

‘Thank you, Jack.’ She looks around at everything in awe. ‘It beautiful!’ she breathes.

‘You look lovely, Millie,’ I say going over to her.

She throws her arms around my neck. ‘I not forget he bad man,’ she whispers in my ear.

‘You’re right, Millie, Jack is a very nice man,’ I laugh, knowing that Jack will have seen the whisper.

She nods in agreement. ‘Jack nice.’ The doorbell peals. ‘Party start!’ she says delightedly.

Jack takes my hand in a gesture that is anything but affectionate and we go to open the door, leaving Janice and Millie on the terrace. We usher Esther and Rufus and their two children through the kitchen and make the necessary introductions. They’ve just finished telling Millie how pretty she looks when Moira and Giles arrive, followed soon after by Diane, Adam and their children.

‘We heard you out here, so we didn’t bother ringing at the door,’ Diane explains, kissing me.

There are so many people for Jack to greet, so many introductions to be made that he has no option but to take his eyes off me and it occurs to me that I have ample time to whisper ‘Help me, Jack’s a maniac’ into Diane’s ear. But, even with the note of urgency in my voice, she would think I was joking, or referring to the obvious expense Jack has gone to to give Millie a perfect party. He takes me with him into the kitchen to fetch champagne for the adults and colourful drinks for the children and, when I sit down at the table, the pressure of his hand in mine warns me that he is listening to everything I say while making conversation of his own, as only he can.

Millie begins to open her presents. I’ve no idea what we’ve bought Millie as I didn’t dare ask in case I upset the relative calm I’ve managed to achieve over the last two weeks. As usual, Jack has come up trumps, buying her a pretty silver locket engraved with an ‘M’.

‘Pretty!’ Millie beams, holding it up so everyone can see it.

‘It’s actually from me because Grace has her own special present for you,’ Jack says. Millie looks at me questioningly and I smile back at her, hoping he has chosen something nice. ‘She’s done some lovely paintings for your new bedroom, haven’t you, darling?’

I feel the colour wash from my face and grip the edge of the table hard.

Millie claps her hands excitedly. ‘I can see?’

‘Not just yet,’ Jack says apologetically. ‘But they’ll be hanging in your room by the time you move in, I promise.’

‘What sort of paintings are they?’ Rufus asks.

‘Portraits,’ Jack tells him. ‘And very realistic ones at that—Grace has a wonderful eye for detail.’

‘Are you all right, Grace?’ Esther looks at me in concern.

‘The heat,’ I manage. ‘I’m not used to it.’

Jack hands me a glass of water. ‘Have a drink, darling,’ he says solicitously. ‘It’ll make you feel better.’

Aware of Millie looking at me anxiously, I take a sip of water. ‘That’s better,’ I tell her. ‘Open your other presents, then you can play some games.’

There’s a silver bangle from Moira and Giles, and a silver trinket box from Diane and Adam, but I barely see them because it’s an effort to keep myself together. I sense Esther looking curiously at me, but for once I don’t care that she’s seen I’m upset.

‘Esther, aren’t you going to give Millie our present?’ Rufus asks.

‘Of course.’ Esther rallies herself and hands Millie a beautifully wrapped present. ‘I hope you like it,’ she says, smiling at her.

Millie opens it and finds a large red velvet box, its lid prettily decorated with sequins and glass beads. It’s exactly the sort of thing that Millie loves and, as she gasps in delight, I take a grip on myself and smile gratefully across at Esther.

‘It’s to keep things in,’ Esther tells her. ‘I bought it to match your new bedroom.’

Millie beams at her. ‘Is yellow,’ she says proudly. ‘My bedroom is yellow.’

Esther looks puzzled. ‘It’s red, isn’t it?’

Millie shakes her head. ‘Yellow. It my favourite colour.’

‘I thought your favourite colour was red.’

‘Yellow.’

Esther turns to Jack. ‘Didn’t you say that you were decorating Millie’s bedroom red because it was her favourite colour?’

‘No, I don’t think so.’

‘Yes, Jack, you did,’ Diane confirms. ‘At least, that’s what you told us that time you gatecrashed our lunch in town.’

‘Well, if I did, I’m very sorry. I must have been thinking of something else at the time.’

‘But you said it on more than one occasion,’ Esther insists. ‘When you came to dinner at ours you said that you couldn’t wait for Millie to see her red bedroom.’ She looks over at me. ‘Isn’t that what he said, Grace?’

‘I’m afraid I don’t remember,’ I mumble.

‘Does it really matter?’ Jack nods at Millie who is busy putting her other presents into the box. ‘Look, she loves it.’

‘But it’s strange to have made the same mistake twice,’ Esther says, genuinely puzzled.

‘I wasn’t aware that I had.’

‘Well, I could take it back and change it for a yellow one, I suppose,’ she says doubtfully.

‘Please don’t,’ I tell her. ‘Jack’s right, Millie loves it.’

For the next ten minutes, I watch her watching Jack, and I’m glad that in his efforts to destabilise me, he has overplayed his hand—not that anyone except Esther seems to have noticed. At one moment, she looks from Jack to the red box, a frown on her face. Suddenly, she turns her attention back to me.

‘I hope you don’t mind me asking, Grace,’ she says, ‘but are you sure you’re all right? You look very pale.’

‘I’m fine,’ I reassure her.

‘I’ve noticed it too.’ Diane nods. ‘And you’ve lost weight—you haven’t been dieting, have you?’

‘No, it’s just that I don’t seem to have much appetite at the moment.’

‘Maybe you should go and see your doctor.’

‘I will,’ I promise.

‘You really need to take more care of her, Jack.’ Esther looks at him appraisingly.

‘I intend to.’ Smiling, he slips his hand into the inside pocket of his jacket and draws out an envelope. ‘I didn’t see why Millie should be the only one to have a present today.’

‘Adam, please take note,’ Diane groans.

‘Here we are, darling,’ Jack hands me the envelope. ‘Open it.’

I do as he says and find myself looking at a pair of plane tickets.

‘Come on, Grace, don’t keep us in suspense,’ Diane implores. ‘Where’s Jack taking you?’

‘Thailand,’ I say slowly, horribly aware that everything I’ve managed to put in place since Millie gave me the pills will all have been for nothing if we go away.

‘What a lucky girl,’ says Moira, smiling at me.

‘I think you’re meant to say something, Grace,’ Esther prompts.

I raise my head quickly. ‘It’s just such a shock. I mean, it’s a lovely thought, Jack, but do we really have time to go away?’

‘You did say that you wanted one last holiday in Thailand before Millie comes to live with us,’ he reminds me, making it sound as if I think of Millie as some sort of burden.

‘But you said we wouldn’t be able to—didn’t you say that you had the Tomasin case coming up?’

‘Yes, but I’m working hard to make sure it’ll be over by then.’

‘When are you going?’ Giles asks.

‘I’ve booked tickets for the fifth of June.’

Adam looks at him in surprise. ‘Will the Tomasin case be finished so soon?’

‘I hope so—it’s going to court next week.’

‘Even so. I mean, it’s not so clear-cut this time, is it? From what the papers are saying, her husband is squeaky clean.’

Jack raises his eyebrows. ‘Don’t tell me you believe what you read in the papers.’

‘No, but the theory that it’s a set-up and that she’s out to frame her husband because she has a lover is an interesting one.’

‘It’s also total fabrication.’

‘So you’re confident of winning?’

‘Absolutely—I’ve never lost a case yet and I don’t intend to start now.’

Adam turns to me. ‘What do you think, Grace? You must have read the papers.’

‘Me? I think the husband is as guilty as hell,’ I say, wondering what they would say if they knew that I barely know what they’re talking about.

‘Sorry, but I can’t imagine him as a wife-beater,’ says Diane. ‘He just doesn’t look the type.’

‘Jack tells me that they’re the worst kind,’ I say lightly.

Esther’s eyes flicker towards me. ‘It must be exciting having a husband who deals with such high-profile cases,’ she says, holding my gaze.

‘Actually, Jack rarely talks about his work when he comes home and especially not the details of his cases, for reasons of client confidentiality—I’m sure it’s the same for you, Diane.’ I turn to Jack with pretended anxiousness. ‘But to get back to our holiday—wouldn’t it be better to postpone it until Millie can come with us?’

‘Why?’

‘Well, if there’s a risk that your case might not be over in time.’

‘It will be.’

‘But what if it isn’t?’ I insist.

‘Then you’ll go on ahead and I’ll join you.’

I stare at him.

‘We’re not cancelling the holiday, Grace. As everybody has pointed out, you need a rest.’

‘You’d really let me go on ahead without you?’ I say, knowing he would never allow such a thing.

‘Of course.’

Esther looks at him approvingly. ‘That’s very generous of you, Jack.’

‘Not at all. I mean, why would I deprive my beautiful wife of a holiday just because I can’t go?’

‘I’d be more than happy to keep her company until you arrive,’ Diane offers.

‘Sorry to disappoint you, but I have no intention of not being able to make it,’ Jack tells her, getting to his feet. ‘Grace, I need your help in the kitchen, darling.’

I follow him in, stunned at how wrong everything seems to be going.

‘You don’t seem very keen to go to Thailand,’ he says, handing me candles to stick in the cake. ‘Yet you were the one who suggested it.’

‘It’s just that it doesn’t seem such a good idea with your court case coming up.’

‘So you think it would be better for me to cancel it?’

Blessed relief floods through me. ‘Definitely’.

‘Then do you think Millie will be able to move in with us earlier, next week, for example? In fact, she could even stay behind today and I could drive up and collect her things during the week while she settles into her lovely red bedroom. What do you think, Grace? Shall I go out and suggest it? Or shall we go to Thailand next month?’

‘We’ll go to Thailand next month,’ I say stonily.

‘I thought that’s what you would say. Now, where are the matches?’

It’s hard not to give in to the desperation I feel as I sing ‘Happy Birthday’ along with the others and applaud as Millie blows out her candles. I look around at everybody laughing and joking together and struggle to understand how my life has become a living hell that nobody present could even begin to imagine. If I were to suddenly demand their attention and tell them that Millie is in great danger from Jack, that he intends to keep her locked up in a terrifying room until she goes mad with fear, that he is in reality a murderer who has kept me prisoner for the last fifteen months, nobody would believe it. And what would Jack tell them in return? That he only realised once we were married that I had a history of mental illness, that it only became apparent on our honeymoon when I accused him of keeping me a prisoner in front of a lobby full of people, that the hotel manager, our local doctor and the police would be happy to confirm that I am unbalanced. That the last fifteen months have been a terrible strain on him, especially as he has to accompany me everywhere for fear of what I’ll say in public. Even if Millie were to come to my defence and accuse him of pushing her down the stairs, he would look appalled and say that I must have put the idea into her mind. Why would the people gathered here today believe my version over Jack’s when his sounds so much more plausible?

We eat the cake, drink more champagne. Millie and the children resume their games and the rest of us sit around chatting. I have trouble concentrating, but when I hear Janice saying that she’ll enjoy coming to see Millie in our beautiful house, I seize the chance to make it a reality.

‘Why don’t we fix a date now?’ I turn to the others. ‘And maybe we could take Millie and the children to the music festival and have a picnic there—they seem to be getting along well. Doesn’t it start at the beginning of July?’

‘What a good idea!’ Diane exclaims. ‘And is anybody interested in a trip to the zoo? I’ve promised to take mine as soon as school breaks up.’

‘Millie would love that,’ I say, eager to fill her diary.

‘Before you get carried away, Grace,’ Jack interrupts, ‘I have another surprise for you. Well, for you and Millie actually.’

I feel myself go cold. ‘Another surprise?’

‘Don’t look so worried,’ Moira jokes. ‘Knowing Jack, I’m sure it’ll be something nice.’

‘I didn’t really want to tell you yet,’ Jack says apologetically to me, ‘but, as you’re making all these arrangements for the summer holidays, I think you should know that I’m taking you and Millie to New Zealand, to see your parents.’

‘New Zealand!’ breathes Diane. ‘Gosh, I’ve always wanted to go to New Zealand.’

‘When?’ I stammer.

‘Well, I thought we’d give Millie a few days to settle in and leave around the middle of July,’ he says.

‘But Millie’s meant to be starting work at the garden centre in August,’ I say, wondering what he’s playing at. ‘It’s a long way to go for a couple of weeks.’

‘I’m sure they won’t mind if she starts a week or two later, especially if we explain why.’

‘Don’t you think it’ll be too much for Millie, going to New Zealand so soon after moving in? Surely it would be better to wait until Christmas?’

‘I think she’ll be thrilled,’ Janice intervenes. ‘She’s been dreaming of going since we did a class project on New Zealand, just after your parents moved there.’

‘If I went to New Zealand, I’m not sure I’d want to come back,’ says Diane. ‘It’s meant to be quite beautiful.’

‘That’s one of the dangers, of course,’ agrees Jack. ‘Millie could end up loving it so much that she might ask to stay there permanently, with her parents.’

The pennies begin to drop and I realise that he’s preparing Millie’s exit from society. ‘She would never do that,’ I say fiercely. ‘For a start, she would never leave me.’

‘But what if you decided to stay there too?’ Jack asks. His tone is playful, but I understand only too well that he’s preparing the ground for my exit as well.

‘I wouldn’t,’ I say. ‘I could never leave you, Jack, surely you know that?’

But I could kill you, I add silently. In fact, I’m going to have to.