SWNOVELS Beautiful Sinner: Chapter 16
MY SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE is coming in the form of Tullamore Dew.
The pub down the street from my Father Markus’s church is just as holy in my eyes. And considering I backed the fuck out before walking in today, I had to find the next best thing.
Her text came two shots in.
Fuck you.
I deserve that.
What happened last night scared the shit out of me. My dick wouldn’t calm the fuck down for hours after our little hallway rendezvous, even after I gave it what it wanted. Well, not exactly what it wanted, but the closest thing. The thought of her spread out on the bed in front of me, open and begging for me played in my mind as I jacked off three times. It did nothing for my guilty conscience.
It didn’t stop me from wanting to break down her door and ignore my vows for one night.
I knew this would happen. I treat my faith like it falls somewhere in the middle of my hierarchy of priorities. The farm comes first. The church. The house. Then my faith. So I’m not surprised that it’s falling apart. The first pretty thing with tits and an ass comes in and I crumble.
Shocker.
Cadence deserves better than this. A little space between us for a few days should calm things down. We need clarity. At least, I know I do. I just hope she’s getting clarity and not running to the first dick that presents itself while I’m gone.
“I should have known I’d find you here.” A deep voice behind me shocks me, and I turn to find Father Markus walk in and take the seat next to me.
Markus is about twenty years older than me, but has been in his priesthood for the same exact time I have. He and I went through seminary together, and he was granted a parish just an hour from mine. He is my mentor in many ways. I used to look up to him, how he could toe the line between well-behaved and spiritual. He drinks with his congregation, sits down with them at dinner, helps them pray, and takes their hand through every moment of their lives. He used to give me so much shit about taking my vows because he was sure that I was too wild to tame.
He raises a hand to the bartender who brings him a Guinness without him even having to ask.
I gave him a heads up this morning that I was coming, and now I guess my plans of cancelling my trip are gone.
“Oh yeah? How did you know that?” I ask.
“You never were the type to face your problems head on.”
I guess that’s true. Too true.
“How can we be so sure of God’s plan?” I ask over my glass of whiskey soaked ice.
He laughs in that hearty way he used to when we would study together, and he was convinced I took everything too seriously. At first, I thought I would hate him. The condescending way he would brush my concerns aside, but as time went on, I started to wonder if Markus wasn’t somehow more in tune with God, like they spoke about me behind my back. From then on, I leaned on him for guidance. And for a break. Seminary was exhausting, and for a bitter old sinner like me, I found myself trying to force everything that was meant to come naturally.
Like faith.
“It’s called faith, Callum. It’s not about following His plan, but asking how you can serve His plan. What part do we play? How do we best serve our flock?”
“Some days I don’t think I’ve served Him at all.”
Markus laughs. “Of course you have. If you struggle with your purpose, you must be doing it right.”
“How about this?” I ask, turning toward him. “If I can bring one person closer to God, but I have to sin to do it, is it worth it?”
His eyes widen, and he strokes his bare chin with one hand while he thinks. His folded arms rest on his round belly, and I wait patiently for his response.
Father Mark loves ethical questions. It was a constant game while we were in seminary. There was never a clear answer, and rarely a correct one. But each one made me think and understand my value as a man of God. If this is truly what God created me for, then I would be able to answer them with more questions than answers.
“Our souls are not immune, Father Callum. We pay the same penance for our sins, and I would say that if you think sinning is the only way to bring this child of God to salvation, you haven’t explored other options yet.”
By ‘other options’, I know he’s referring to a chaste relationship and not what my mind wants to consider, which are acts not technically qualifying as sex. I know that is not what he means in the slightest.
After a couple more drinks together, Markus and I walk back to his rectory where he gets me set up for a three-day visit. He wants me to sit in on his service tomorrow and spend my time here praying and being alone with God to find my clarity. I take this to mean we will also be spending time down the street in the pub to find our own clarity, and as much as the idea of being so far from Cadence literally pains me, I know this is exactly what I need. I can be back in Ennis by Sunday for service.
The days go by slower than I thought possible. I never text her back and decide to make the distance real by turning my phone off completely. It doesn’t help. While I pray, I tend to get distracted with thoughts of her, missing her and reliving every moment together since she arrived. But by the time I drive back home, I have three truths solidified in my mind:
One: Cadence was sent to me for a reason. And the reason is not for me. It’s for her. She came here lost and alone. She is the lamb that wandered from the flock and into danger. It’s my job to bring her back to where she needs to be, whether that be closer to God or where God wants her to be.
Two: I cannot touch her like I did that night before I left. For her soul and mine. God is testing me. Not with temptation but with the chance to be the priest I always wanted to be.
Three: I am already in love with her. I confessed this to Markus, and he admitted that he already knew this much without ever having met her. He could see it on my face and claimed that it was bound to happen to me eventually.
It was more of a revelation to me. I have never fallen in love with someone before, but I know this feeling can only be described as love. I am a priest, meant to serve God’s creation. And out of all of God’s creations, she is by far my favorite.