Beautiful Hue

Dreaming of self love

It’s dark: I walk around a blank space searching for a way out. I walk into a space that looks like my home. I approach three doors and three words slowly appear in gold letters: Self, love and money.

The first door I approach is money. As I walk close to it, it opens up on it’s own. I walk into the room and I see a check for thirty million dollars sitting on a table. I walk closer to the check and I see my Oscar sitting behind it. Screens slowly begin to turn on and suddenly I am surrounded by clips of my movies playing. I close my eyes and cover my ears attempting to block out the overwhelming sound of my voice, everything stops. I open my eyes and I see the clip of me from the Letterman show pop up on the screens. Those screens then change to a reflection of me. I raise my right arm and the images mock me. I quickly run out of the room and I run directly into the room of self.

As I enter the room, I see photos of myself and my family. I see a picture of me holding Blair and another one of my dad holding me. I walk deeper into the room, I look around and I notice a mirror floating in thin air. I approach the mirror and I stare back at my reflection. I touch my worn-out face, I wipe my eyes and I am disgusted with the image that I see. I punch the mirror and the glass cracks. I stand back and the glass makes a design that I’ve see before. The darkness seeps in and covers the mirror. I can’t move, I’m stuck staring at this design creating itself in the mirror.

I close my eyes tightly, I take a deep breath and count to ten. I open my eyes and I see an image of a black rose. It resembles one of the flowers from the museum. I walk closer to the rose, I reach out to it and it disappears. Suddenly I am in front of the door of love.

I see Bridget crying. As I approach her, memories flood my head, I fall to my knees and I scream into the air. I want it to stop, but it doesn’t. I look at Bridget crying and I see a figure approach her that looks like me. She reaches out to him, but he turns away and picks up a check off of the table. He runs toward me. As I stand up I stare into my own eyes. His pupils resemble a small black rose with something gold in the center.

He walks through me. I feel my body. I look up and I notice Bridget no longer in the room.

“Make it stop!” I yell into the space.

Memories of every major event in my life, flashes before my eyes. I watch myself drink my sorrows away inside of my guest house. I hate who I’ve become. I take a seat in front of my body, I see the check for thirty-million-dollars and my Oscar sitting on my coffee table. I see Bridget’s name pop up on my phone screen and I watch myself ignore it. I curl against the wall I close my eyes and for one last time I see the black rose before I wake.

REALITY

I wake up in my guest house, laid out on the couch. I look around and see my couch is wet from a bottle of liquor I spilled. I stand up staggered and go to the closet to grab something to scrub the mess.

I walk back into the room. I get on my hands and knees. I scrub the floor and the couch. I clean the room and throw the bottle away. I walk into the bathroom of the guest house and I notice my reflection. My eyes are red and my hair needs cut. I rub my scruffy face and I leave the bathroom. I slowly walk across the yard. I walk up the patio, enter my home and go upstairs to shower.

As the water falls onto my body, memories of Bridget flood my head forcing me to get choked up. I think of her touch her sweet voice, her lips and her presence. With the shower being too much, I quickly get out and I go to my bedroom.

I look around at the mess she made when she was here two weeks ago. I get dressed and I walk past the mess like a zombie, fixed on getting rest.

I walk to the couch and I grab my phone. As I lay down. As my head hits the cushion I slowly drift asleep. As I fade out into rest, I hear a voice on my intercom that sounds like Blair. I fall asleep as she demands to be let in.

* * * *

As I slowly wake up, I hear the sound of my television. My head rests in someone’s lap and I smell food next to me. I open my eyes and feel someone touching my head.

“Bridget?” I ask quietly.

“No.” The person says, as I sit up.

I rub my temple, as my eyes come into focus. I see my sister Blair sitting beside me.

“Mom wanted me to come and check on you with everything going on. We haven’t heard from you in two weeks.” She says to me.

I look around and notice that she cleaned up the living room. I look at a food tray that has water and soup on top of it. I quickly grab the water and gulp it down.

“Slow down now. You don’t want to drown over a drink do you.” She says.

As I finish the water. I sit down the glass, I look at her and shake my head.

“I fucked up.” I say to her.

“You did. The good thing is that the world only knows half of the story.”

“What half is that?” I ask.

“The half where you were in character: Method acting.” She says.

“But I wasn’t.” I say to her.

“William tried to protect your image. So you were.” She says to me. “I responded to emails messages and let people know that you weren’t feeling well.” She says to me. As she stands up and takes my phone off of the charger.

“Thank you. How did you get in?” I ask her.

“You gave Sarah a spare a while ago. I went to her place and got the key from her house sitter.”

“I forgot about that.” I say to her.

“You forgot about a lot of things big brother. Most importantly I think somehow you forgot about yourself.” She says to me.

I look at her as my heart sinks and for a second it becomes hard to breath.

“When was the last time you did something that you loved, without thinking about consequences or who’s watching? That had nothing to do with your career, or making money?” She asks. “I mean something that makes you smile just because it’s what you love with no effort? Something you didn’t have to think about it, you just did it and you were happy.”

I listen to her, unable to answer her question. I shrug, as she continues to talk.

“I’ve noticed changes in you for a while. Especially after your break-up with Kennedy years ago.” She says, as she looks into my sad eyes. “Did you heal?” She asks.

I shake my head unsure of an answer.

“Let’s go.” She says to me.

“Where?” I ask her.

“To the beach.” She says.

Blair grabs my jacket for me and we walk outside to my car. As she drives her rental car, I stare out of the window, as thoughts run through my mind. Blair drives smoothly down PCH and we go to a beach in Malibu. I look around at the empty parking lot and we walk toward the sand. Blair takes her shoes off and runs towards the water. I stare at her, as she runs through the sand like we did when we were kids.

“Come on Benny!” She yells.

I take my shoes off and I follow her into the sand. As I walk closer to her, we stare out into the sunset.

“How are you feeling?” She asks.

“Better.” I say, as I look at her.

“Ben. Let that hurt go. I don’t want to see anything happen to you. You’re not a failure if things don’t go your way. It makes you human.”

I take in the air, as my sister continues to talk.

“I hear you.” I say to her.

“But are you listening?” She asks.

I nod at her and she wraps her right arm around my body.

“I want you to do something for me before you step on any set, or get into any relationship.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“First, I want you to forgive yourself for what happened with Kennedy.”

“OK.” I respond sarcastically.

“No, I want you to say it. ‘Ben I forgive you.’ Your turn.”

“This is ridiculous.” I say laughing.

“Say it.” She demands.

“Ben, I forgive you.” I say.

She looks at me with a smirk.

“Now say it like you mean it.” She says.

I look at her and notice the seriousness on her face. I look out into the water I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I feel the sand underneath my toes, as I listen to the sound of the ocean.

“Benjamin... I forgive you.” I say to myself. I try to hold back my emotions, but a tear falls down my cheek.

Blair looks at me and nods.

“Benjamin, I love you.” She suggests.

I look at her trying not to smile.

“I close my eyes again and repeat the motions.

“Benjamin… I love you.” I say to myself.

“Keep your eyes closed.” She says to me.

Blair releases me and takes my hands. She stands in front of me and holds both of my hands in hers.

“Take a deep breath.” She says.

I take a deep breath.

“Release.” She says.

I breath out and continue to hold my eyes closed.

“Benjamin, I know this is going to be hard but I need you to do what I ask.” She says. “I don’t want you to accept another role, until you’re ready.”

“Why not?” I ask with my eyes still closed.

“Because you don’t love yourself enough to take on the pressures of fame and relationships.” She says to me. “Take as long as you need. I want you to fall in love with you, before you attempt to fall in love with anyone else. Can you do that?” She asks.

I nod my head, open my eyes, grab my sister and hold her. As I hold her I clinch my eyes tight. The first image that pops up into my head is of the black rose from my dream and the museum.

Suddenly I’m reminded, that the rose from my dream truly was me. Blairs words allowed me to see the damage I allowed myself to accept. I never healed, I never forgave and if I want to get better at loving others loving myself and loving my work. I need to forgive myself, heal myself and love myself. Maybe in the future things will be better, for now... I have to get better for me.

~The End~

A message from the author:

I hope you all enjoyed this story of Benjamin and his discovery of self-love. I had a wonderful time creating these characters and writing this journey. As I said before, I would really love your feedback and reviews. Do not hesitate to reach out to me. I would love to answer questions and hear your thoughts. Lastly, you can expect another story from Benjamin in the future until then take care, stay safe and keep up the social distancing. God Bless.